I am normal.

I went back to see the LPC that my dr. uses for his bariatric patients yesterday. She thinks I should go with the sleeve. I am feeking more positive after talking with her. I think the sleeve is the right surgery for me.

My GFs are in support of me doing the surgery. My husband... not so much. I have not told him I want the sleeve - he still thinks I want the band. I am worried about him not wanting me to do it, since it is drastic and permanent. Also, with a 33 BMI, I will be self pay. We can afford it, but I know my DH would rather not spend the money (cheapskate).

The therapist, Deborah, taled to me about my inertia. I had been feeling so shameful about my "laziness" and feeling like it was a permanent character flaw, like it was all that I am. She told me she did not see me as lazy. And she's right. When it is something I want to do, I am NOT lazy. I have 2 master's degrees and am accomplished at my job. How could I do those things if I was "lazy"?

I have been internalizing my husband's values - you have to work hard, if it's too easy it's not worth it, don't pay for something you can do yourself, etc. I had to fight to get a maid, because he thinks we should do all of the stuff she does (I HATE cleaning). And by looking for my self worth from my husband, I felt like a failure, since I am not doing the things he thinks are valuable. Wow. What a revelation that was!

I have to start doing things for me. I can say that we will pay someone to landscape the yard, or paint the living room, or wash my car. He might not agree, but that doesn't mean that I can't still do those things. We don't have to agree on everything (again, what a revelation!).

And now the power in the relationship is changing. I inherited $ from my mom (died Feb. 09) which allows me to have more freedom. I am almost to the point of thinking that he can't say no to me anymore!

So I will take care of myself. I will have the surgery. YAY for ME!!!