On the throne of self-pity

So tomorrow is my 7 year Bandiversary - Unbelievable! I feel good in that I have maintained a 100 pound weight loss from my pre-surgery weight. However - I am still up 40 pounds from my lowest weight.

It is so easy to lose focus and get lazy. I'm really quite insistent on having things the way I want them - even if it contradicts my ultimate goal. I'm one of those people who has always been fat - I remember wanting to be thinner in second grade. As long as I can remember, I have had an ultimate goal of being thin. (And I don't define thin by magazine standards - just want to be "normal size"). After I got my band, I was ecstatic! I did not know how to defeat it yet, so I lost weight almost effortlessly, it seemed. I actually got there! For a brief shining moment, I felt like I was where I wanted to be. I was still about 20 pounds over what the BMI charts said my "ideal weight" was, but I was happy with it.

Then I got cocky and decided I could do what I wanted - and I did.

So now I have come full circle - staring myself squarely in the eye and forcing myself to take responsibility for all of it. The truth is, I can't eat what I want and be the size I want to be. I have to chose one or the other. I must exercise, even though I don't enjoy it and it's always work. Nope - not fair. Doesn't matter whether it's fair or not. Those are the facts. I have spent the vast majority of my life wishing for (and pretending I had) a different reality. I slam my head into that brick wall over and over and over, and come away each time with nothing but a sore head. That wall - reality - never budges! Reality does not care about my preferences.

So it's time to stop sniveling and live life on life's terms. I have been blessed beyond measure and certainly more than I deserve. I had a wonderful childhood and healthy family. I never experienced abuse or neglect. Although we were certainly not rolling in money, I had everything I needed. I have never really experienced any kind of trauma or tragedy. I have achieved most of my career goals and have a wonderful husband and family. In the grand scheme of things, when all is put into perspective - I'm quite the spoiled brat. With all I've been given (including the tool to achieve the one thing I don't have) I continue to whine that I actually have to be uncomfortable to get where I want. I behave as though it is unthinkable that I should have to have less than I want (not less than I need, or even none of what I want - just less than all). It's unthinkable that I should have to do something I don't enjoy for 30 whole minutes a day. Poor me!

I am the only one who is responsible for my life. The universe does not "owe" me. I am not "entitled" to have everything I want, just because I want it that way. The rules do apply to me. Perhaps I should focus on being grateful for having been given so much. Gratitude can go a long way in reducing self-pity.

Shelly