Stress And The "c" Word

Yes, the "C" word = CANCER! Bare with me as this will be a long post....

My dad was diagnosed with colon & liver cancer back in Feb of 2011. He was given 6 - 9 months to live. He had the large mass from his colon removed the following month after his original diagnosis, and since the cancer had matasticised (spelling?), or should I just say spread, having chemo would have been fruitless. That was "20".... yes, I said "20" months ago. Dad i now 86.

Dad keeps himself busy, and his original response to the cancer, was that he had lived 84 yrs at the time, and I guess it's his time. What a frigin great attitude man. Dad is also my mom's caregiver. Even though she complains about him, and fights with him, he adores her & takes great care of her. She's not in the best of health, her memory is really starting to go (84 yrs old) and really isn't able to take care of herself (taking meds, running errands, driving...). Dad makes sure she is taken care of. In addition, he ALWAYS keeps himself busy, ALWAYS! While mom can't walk around a lot, dad enjoys doing projects. Earlier this year, he built my 19 yr old son a desk for college. A homemade desk! At 86! With Stage 4 cancer!

We've gotten used to the idea that dad has cancer, but since he's beaten the odds thus far, it's hard to think that one day he will be taken. It was hard, that is, until recently.

You see my husband & I were trying to figure out why I've been suddenly struggling with tracking my food intake, getting enough protein every single day, and eating enough overall. What caused this sudden change?

Dad went to the Dr 2 weeks ago for a cough he couldn't get rid of. The Dr decided to take an x-ray knowing he had cancer & to make sure everything was OK. It wasn't OK. I'll be damned if the frigin' "C" word spread to his lungs... :-(

He has an apt with his oncologist on the 30th, where we'll find out how far it's spread. He's still in good shape & "looks" ok, but you can see he's starting to get a little more tired. He takes pain med every morning for the pain in his stomach area (liver).

With that said, I've been pretty stressed out, but not really letting it show. I have a difficult time sleeping soundly at night because I worry about my mom when my dad goes, and my dad having to deal with all the pain & suffering that comes with... with that #$%^&* "C" word.

Obviously, it's having a bigger impact on me than I realized. It breaks my heart, and I worry. I'm no longer really focused on myself as much as I should be. I want my dad to go peacefully when his time comes. I want my mom to be ok.

I'm not ready for this. I HATE THE "C" WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!