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104Lbs? You Should Be Losing That In Like 4 Months.

RahRahRah

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Im so mad- I wrote this whole emotional explanation about what was going on and during preview a virus notification came up and I lost the whole darn thing!!!! I will have to sum up my emotions briefly here.

 

Husband met me when I weighed 212. I gained weight as our relationship grew. Then our sex life got crappy because of my body issues and no stamina, aka cardio ability to participate. well.. Basically I had become a starfish!

 

Did the LBS, he was supportive despite admitting to sabotaging me in a previous diet. He lamented in the beginning that he would die and I would look awesome and someone else would get to benefit from my hard work.

 

When Ive mentioned the 2lb a week weight loss- nothing- dont expect a parade , but geez, no atta girl??

 

then I mentioned from another weight loss area this woman that lost 104 in a year! and his respnose was, 104, you should lose that in 4 months with this surgery because if not then why did you even get it. I told him 2lbs a week is good to which he replied, you could have done that on your own without the surgery, aka not spending the money...

 

He has commented several times about my portion control and bought stuff for me that I cannot and should not eat, like ice cream and muffin cookies.

 

I love him, but I now keep my daily struggle to stay on track to myself. I had hoped for a more supportive partner, but thats what Lap Band Talk is for.

 

Sorry- I just wanted to vent and now that I lost my original post I am livid.



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Have you told your husband firmly to stop buying the crap for you? Sometimes this change can be rough for our partners- they somehow get it in their minds that when we lose the weight, we will suddenly become new people who will move on to bigger and better fish.

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I suggest you try not to harbor the anger and sit down and have an open and honest discussion about how you need his support and the things he is doing to sabbotage it. Perhaps some reassurance that you love him, etc. and your love will grow stronger by him being supportive and encouraging. If you aren't able to have that conversation, perhaps some couples' counseling? Not to sound extreme but you deserve that.

When I was married, my husband did similar things. He would want me to lose weight but sabbotage my efforts by foods he would buy or prepare, etc. If he was serving my plate, he would pile it high. It eventually became evident to me that, yah, he would love to have a "thin" me but was very insecure in himself and felt I would become more attractive to others. It was actually very subtle and controlling behavior in my situation.

When I went for my pre-op appts, this also came up with the pyschologist. He said some men will get jealous as the woman loses weight (or vice versa) and as the other gets more attention, feels better about themself, etc. It sounds like your husband's comments, food purchases, etc. now are a subtle way of him trying to sabbotage this new lifestyle again.

I hope you are able to stay strong, stay focused and not let his insecurities get the best of you. This isn't just for appearance, it is your health at stake. I hope you have a strong support system around you if he cannot be that for you, such as close family, friends, local support group, etc. Sorry you are going through this and perhaps you continuing to persevere and avoid those "muffins and icecream" too will help you feel good inside about what a strong person you have become!

You deserve this - and yes, 2 lbs. a week is a great goal! Best of luck to you.

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I can sympathize... I haven't even told my bf about my surgery plans and I am 48 days out!!

"luckily" we aren't married, but I know he would say I am beng ridiculous and do not need it. My psych thought it was very strange, but as I told her...

We are a little uneven and at times I definitely can't see us lasting long term.

Bottom line - this surgery is for ME. I am an emotional eater b/c I put everyone else first. I am going to be selfish with this. My health - heck, my LIFE - is worth more than his issues with it.

I am sorry you are going thru this, but thank goodness you are cognizant of what's going on. It's an unfortunate extra hurdle for you. And I hope and pray I lose two pounds a week consistently!!

Please always feel free to reach out to me and we will push through together!

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I'm so sorry for you that don't have support at home,that sucks! I don't have a lot of support at home but i haven't had surgery yet so we'll see. But i can hear my husband saying things like "aren't you suppose to lose weight faster than this?" "or you could've done this without surgery if you just tried harder" Then i tell him to fall off the face of the earth if you don't shut the _ _ _ _ up! for real, i don't tolerate talk like that. I hope you husbands, boyfriends all come around. People are mean to us bandsters sometimes,and not just at home...

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Rahrah.... you just described over half the situation on this LB site. My husband was one of the ones that sabotaged my diet efforts in the past and still does to this day. He is 6'4" and has no weight problem. Will eat and i'm not kidding a half gallon in one sitting and not gain anything. Yesterday he polished off half bag of oatmeal cookies and 1/4 bag of Oreos.... then was still hungry and ate a plate of Pad-ti noodles.

They want you to be thin, but are afraid of you finding some one else. He makes commits all the time about me wanting to find other men. I tell him, if i wanted another man i could have one and could have had one at 223lbs. A lot of relationships don't survive WLS. The "other" person usually can't handle the attention that they are getting now that the weight has come off.

my average was 2lb a month..... but i don't care. i now weight 145 and i'm happy and i feel great.... And so will you....

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Wow, sorry to be harsh but your husband sucks and not only is he an unsupported d**k he sounds like a bully. He is obviously uneducated on what the band does and how it works.

Good luck to you. You have a long journey ahead of you with that kind of support system.

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Im sorry for you ....Maybe you can find a support group Im sure that would help you...and were all here for you when you need us....hugs

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Hey RahRah,

Being able to vent in this way is a healthy way to handle this pressure. My hubby got banded last year, so we have a really exciting journey ahead of us, as I have only been banded for almost two weeks. Before I was banded, I don't think I purposely sabotaged his efforts. I'm certain, however, the fact that I could eat anything, as much as I wanted, while he had a more difficult time with certain foods was not easy for him.

There is nothing like the support of a significant other to provide encouragement, but always remember, you do have a community that can relate to your victories, stumbles and issues concern WLS, and that counts for a lot when you need it.

Congrats on your weight loss and keep up the great work!

Evelyn

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It's that kind of attitude that makes women leave men when they loose weight. The whole thinking back over your journey after you loose weight and realizing how unsupportive your partner is can really change how you feel about yourself and your relationship. Men will be men they mostly like us barefoot and cooking for them in the kitchen. Unfortunately not even the ones closest to us have to be in our support team. I choose to kind of keep my other half out of it because I want to do this for me and not him (even though he'll eventually benifit from it I'm sure). Just tell him that you hope by the time you loose your weight you hope he won't have E.D. hehehe...seriously though take what you need from him to heart and let everything else come with a grain of salt. He'll either come around or he won't but you may feel more empowered at the end of the day knowing you didn't need his support to be healthy.

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RahRahRah, hey threre. Hang in there. Sometimes they do things that are stupid but don't realize they are being stupid. I just make sure I have other options for food avaliable. My biggest problem was with my best friend not my husband. She kept trying to get me to eat things i wasn't suppose to talk me out of surgery. Turn out she was jealous and worried. Worried I lose all this weight and she won't. Now that I weight less than her( took me 60 pounds) she is get agitated again. She is depressed and not sure what to do with this role reversal. She had alway been lighter. Small stuff like, buying me starbucks- but switching a sugar-free skim latte for a sugar full one with whole milk. ( I gagged on first sip-it was so sweet and rich) She said I didn't realize but I gotten same coffee for years- she buys one time I buy the next. Or ordering takeout, my favorite foods at chinese resturant and with dessert, when we come over for movie night. I started just showing up with my protein shake or a bottle of water- so won't be tempted. ( sorry can't eat and drink same time). I tell her she killing me here, and she apologizes, or says, I hope this won't bother you, or offers me some.Yesturday she tell me she really need to lose weight, but can't seem to make it work. I told her I would help her and we could work together. We set up a gym schedule for fall, when kids are back in school. So hopefully we can get by this and help each other. Good luck with you husband. Hopefully he will realize how much this all means to you and him as a couple and work with you. Take care

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Thank you all for the kind support and words of encouragement. I know my husband can be a d**k. Sometimes in 100% of what he says and sometimes in 1% of what he says. I know he is insecure, ugg, and despite my flip flopping back and forth I have stayed and we have worked stuff out together.

i wont make excuses for him. I have wondered and asked him who screwed him over to give him this attitude but have moved on as I want to remain as positive with him. Last Christmas when I was in the approval stages he bought me many gradually getting smaller items of clothing like work out stuff and sexy stuff too and said it was something he looked forward to. So he does flip flop too. He wants to me be healthy and look great but doesnt want me to run away. Im not offended if you think he is a d**k, haha, I think he's a d**k on occasion as well.

I will talk with him again about how much it hurts me when he comments like that. Just last week when he had a heart to heart with me about fast food choices that he thought would disappear (and to my fault, did not) he said he was concerned with telling me because I always become upset about it. And to be honest, its probably because I need to be truthful with myself about how inconsistent I am being (because I am embarrassed to admit I have slipped up) but also the way he bluntly tells me that I could have lost the weight on my own.

I hate to sound like those abused woman that make escuses and say "but he loves me" but I agree about him having serious self esteem issues.

I am so glad I joined this group- your support helps. I hope this blog helped someone reevaluate how they take non supporters and remember to BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!

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you hubbys attitude "that you could lose weight on your own " is ridiculous ! If that was the case there wouldnt be a billion dollar diet industry ! (yes, i said "billion dollar !") Thats like telling a diabetic that she could cure her diabetes "on her own !!" if she just ate right. Ummmmm. no. The weight doesnt always magically fall off just because you diet and exercise. Your body doesnt always cooperate. Ask the hubby if certain parts of his body have a mind of its own ! (Yeah, i said it !!) well hubby , welcome to the world of obesity !! Having a positive partner is very important, but your not obligated to change his small minded attitude. Do this for yourself ! good luck !

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So i take it some of his insicurites are comming out as you thin down?

is he maybe insecure about something within himself(is he a bit heavier then when you two where younger?). Maybe you should ask him what is truly eating at him and tell him that you won't get mad or upset but you just want to know what is bothering him and causing him to try to sabotage your efforts.

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ohy I can empathize!

I love my husband dearly but any time I have attempted weight loss he has done his best to make me feel guily. I've only lost a few lbs since my surgery at the end of June and he says it's a failure, I've wasted my money, I'm not going to succeed. That i should have lost a lot more already and that I should be at goal within a year if this thing is worth it.

He wants to go out for dinner all the time and when i only eat a half portion and bring the rest home he says it's a waste and

I've ruined going out for dinner which is something we used to enjoy doing together.

He also says he's getting fat and I'll find other boys if I lose the weight and no one else will want him. I say if he's uncomfortable he should be eatting this healther food with me and he pays for a gym membership so why not come to the gym with me and we can do it together!

It's frustrating and so hard to keep yourself controled when people are seemingly willing you to fail. Just don't give up on yourself, I'm sure he will come around.

I'm going to do this, I WILL be a success story.

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Ditto to all above comments, this is hard enough without fighting the ones who are suppose to support us. You will get there, believe in yourself and to heck with the negativity. I have heard it all from friends and family. First I was fat now I am too thin, have decided that I am the only person I need to please and frankly, I love the new me and who ever doesn't can just..........................kiss......................! Believe in yourself and you will be successful, do this for you and only you, stay focused and develop a healthy life style. It is worth it and you will feel wonderful!

Good luck to you!

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Sounds like your husband needs a consuelor to discus what you're trying to do. You come first because of yoru health, then you can become a better person. Let him pig out and You dont touch the junk he's buying.

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totally sucks...I had the same issue....I am a self pay and we had the money and wasn't going to break our bank account I spoke to my husband about surgery back in March and he dismissed me saying you lost weight before you can do it again (husband is thin and never has been overweight) so I listened to him back in march...however after doing more research I booked and paid for the surgery without telling him in May was banded on July 9th let me just say that it was a rocky road after I booked he told me he was leaving me and we didn't speak for a week or so....however we ended up going to marriage counselling and it helped him understand that I am old enough to make decisions for myself and he has been nothing but supportive but took 6 weeks before surgery for him to come around....I love him more and more each day....

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Sounds like we all got some insecure hubbys. My husband wanted me to have the surgery even though he said "whatever you want honey". he had alot of aprehension and fear. I know he was scared the day i went into the OR and he was so relieved when i came out asking for him after the surgery was over. I think we spend alot of time caring for everyone else and very little time caring for ourselves. We are going to have toask more of our spouses and sometimes I don't think they like that very much. I have some concerns about my husband and his expanding gut, and i think it is falling on deaf ears. I did this for my health now what will he do for his? is what i feel like saying. But you can't make them change if they don't want to.

Go to a counselor and if that don't help things, some folks do divorce and it's sad because a marraige should be strong enough to survive something as simmple as a partner taking care of their health.

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I couldn't imagine going through this with an unsupportive spouse. I hope things are better for you. If not do what you need to do for yourself!

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I just read all of the posts. I thought I was the only one who had a hubby like that. My husband met and married me at my current weight. (Getting banded on Monday, 10/8). But, about a week ago, he told me the reason we didn't have sex, (it's been almost a year) was because he found my body very unattractive, he even flicked my belly. We have only been married 2 1/2 years. He said it is just too hard to have sex with me. I almost told him if he had something a little bigger to work with it wouldn't be so hard. But, I was too devastated to respond. I can barely look at him now...he has tried to hold my hand and I just pull it away. He said he was sorry, but it is too little too late. He says he loves me for me...WTF! I appreciated what all of you had to say. I feel like I am not alone in having a d**k for a husband sometimes. Thank you.

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I could not ever imagine say such a hurtful thing to my Wife. I mean we are not perfect and we have our share of clashes but that is just downright horrible. That is something that cannot be taken back or waved aside with flowers and an apology. Those are the type of things that leave long term scars.

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