True Confessions....

So today is a mix of emotions... first let me say I am not a patient person and if this process has taught me something it's that I must be patient... but like I said that's difficult. Got a call from the surgeons office and I need a formal dietician visit for insurance review.. I finished my 6 month (7 visit) on March 15. i anticipated being banded in April... I am hoping it happens in May but am unsure...Now I am wondering if the dietician visit was required with the 6 month supervised, I was going to Weight Watchers the entire time.. but dang another bump in the road, but I shall persevere!!

Where to start.. well let me bare the craziest thing about this whole journey... 4 years ago i attended a weight loss surgery seminar with a friend as her moral supprt... I was not judgemental but swore up and down that this was not for me, BECAUSE i love food.. well duh, I guess I am not the brightest bulb on the tree... Over the last 4 years I have lost and gained over 200 pounds.. the most being 80 pound loss. I wonder some days why I can't keep my weight under control. I remember saying at the time to myslef "I would never do this, I would feel deprived, I would hate to live without eating anything I want".... the irony is that now I can not wait to be limited... I love structure and am (I know this is weird but) am already following the pre-op diet because I can't wait anymore.... but it's a matter of being ready and knowing you have tried everything... I hadn't had enough failure then to concede that I needed a better tool to help me.

It's not that I can't diet... I can and do, and have my whole life. I can spout fat, calories, carbs, protein and fiber of most any food you can name. I know what good nutrition is and I understand input/output. I can tell you how many calories I burn in 30 minutes of many exercises... I am not dumb... I am not lazy... I am not weak.... I AM ALWAYS HUNGRY!!! I know that sounds silly but that is really what it comes down to.

I really feel that many of us are in the same boat. I have accomplished so much... and am a prefectionist in many ways, (OK, it may seem like I'm bragging here but I am making a point).. I have three fabulous, successful, athletic children who never get in trouble, they are respectful and kind, I have a great marriage, I graduated college with a great GPA, was great at my job when I worked, love staying at home now and caring for home/children, did the PTA president thing, always a homeroom mom, always volunterring at church.. and can do anything I set my mind to BUT keep a healthy weight. I find it embarrassing at times... that's a lie... I find it embarrassing most of the time. As unfair as it is we all know the fat discrimination... it sucks and it makes me feel "less than" in certain situations. I know that is more my problem than society.. but I also know how I am viewed compared to my size 4/6 friends...

I hope I have not rambled too long... I feel myself purging all the negative and finally getting in touch with my feelings.... this process has been great for intraspective analysis, and I am getting there... and believe it or not, am already feeling much lighter!