How I feel today!

I feel uuk! I have definity dun lapped over my jeans and feeling like I'm definitly going to have the surgery.... If nothing happens between now and then.... like loss of job, insurance, etc.... Sometimes I can't wait.... I see people in cute cloths and I think, hey one day hopefully soon I can go and buy cute cloths to where... not just something to cover up my fat body. My husband sometimes is supporting and others times he isn't. I'm not for sure if it's cause of the money or because of afraid of me being skinny... I definite say if he loved me while I was fat I would never leave him when I get skinny(hopefully) unless he does something to deserve it. I think when a man can love you no matter what size you are then he really loves u.... I think he just gets mad sometimes and he wants to hurt me so he will say stuff like; I'm too lazy to loose wait.... I don't think I'm lazy, I work everyday don't miss, I go to all of my childrens school funtions and the only thing is when I am home I don't feel like doing anything.... and that makes me feel LAZY!,,, but I'm always going and I feel like I'm so tired all of the time... I hope when I do hopefully loose weight I'll have more energy... I have been walking about 4 times a week for around 6 to 7 weeks now,,, I should start feeling better,,, but I think I don't because of ALL of this weight I'm dragging around. This sight is very addictive.... I really catch myself going thru alot of emotions since dicided to have this surgery.... I have cried 3 or 4 times this last week... I usually don't do that.... I figure this surgery will cost me about 2,700 and I have problems feeling guilty because of spending that money on myself just because I'm FAT and can't loose weight. Then on the other hand I tell myself, I WORK TOO, I earn just as much money as my husband. Why can't I spend some money to hopefully give me my life back and make me feel good about myself in those jeans.... We are going to spend the money any how,,, why not spend it on something life changing... maybe for the good... I'm about to cry right now.... see I get so emotionally on the debat.... I'm ready to just do it and get it done..... so I don't have to debat,,,, :think