My life is caos. I can only influence what happens in my life, but I cannot control it. The only thing I feel like I can control is what goes into my mouth. Before lapband, my control issues with food was eating as much as humanly possible. If I saw food I ate it. Food didn't make me happy, but it numbed me. It took away the stress, anxiety, anger, frustration, etc. By having the band I figured that it would help me lose weight (and it did). The only thing it didn't do is take away my issues with food.

I can control food. I can control how much I stuff into my mouth (binge) and I can decide to not eat at all (starve). I can control my weight. I can control how many inches I've lost and how much/little I eat. I have so much power when it comes to food. I'm constantly trying to balance on the tight rope of disaster. I have no safety net. If I lean too much on the side of not eating I could easily fall to my death toward anorexia. If I lean too much on the side of binging then I could (yet again) easily fall to my death toward heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. Yet, if I can keep my balance and stay focused, I can reach the other side. I can be lean and healthy. I could have the opportunity of living a long life. I just have to keep my balance.

This self-discovery is devistating yet enlightening. It is important to constantly self-assess your mind. To be in denial is self-destructive. Never lie to yourself. Constantly work on yourself. We are all under construction, not just our bodies but also our minds. I'm working on myself. I still have alot of work to do and there is always room for improvement. I strive for perfection, yet I know it is unattainable. I must remind myself to shoot for the stars and feel comfort in the fact that if I don't make it, then at least I'll land somewhere in the sky.

Until next time,

Angrybaby signing out.