Banded 5/20/08 & Starting Over...

So, here's my story... My 3 year bandiversary is coming up and I feel like I've just wasted the past 2 years battling my food addiction.

I am looking for help on how to start again...

When I was first banded, all was wonderful. The weight was melting off, I was working out, I felt amazing. The one thing that didn't happen for me was self-confidence. I woke up every day thinking, "Is today the day I'm going to mess this all up" or if I didn't show a loss on the scale, I would instantly feel like giving up!

I took a trip to visit my family in NY and go to my 20 yr high school reunion. I had a great time- but guess what? 2 weeks in NY made me gain 6lbs b/c I fell right back into my old habits. I love my family, but there's something there that just makes me want to eat ALL THE TIME!

When I returned home, I had my band filled a couple of times. In complete denial that I had fallen back into my old ways - I taught myself how to eat around my band.

After I gained about 20lbs, I started getting sick. I wasn't taking any vitamins, not eating healthy. My band was so tight that I was throwing up 2-3 times a day. I started getting kidney infections & stones and am always always always tired...

Today, I've gained back 40 of the 80lbs I had lost and need to put a stop to it NOW!

I'm so disgusted with myself... What's crazier is that I'm still making payments for the surgery!!! UGH!

So here's where I'm at now...

I have spent the last 2 weeks crying, journaling, eating bad things--- I'm in a deep depression.

Yesterday, I still woke up depressed - but there was a different feeling. I decided to stop making bad choices & bad excuses for my eating.

I went into the kitchen and threw away about $100 worth of junk food/processed crap. I went to work, had eggs for breakfast, steak for lunch. On the way home- I bought turkey, chicken, & salad and made a healthy delicious dinner for the family. I didn't snack, I didn't pick--- nothing.

My husband called on his way home from work- not knowing about my recent tirade in the kitchen and asked me what kind of cake should he bring home. I started crying uncontrollably & begged him Not to. He got it- for the 1st time in a long time- he got it! I told him, if you want to keep junk in the house, please buy stuff that I won't touch... (He's never had a weight problem in his life)

He didn't bring anything home but a hug and understanding!!!

When I went to bed I thought about eating- but asked myself, "Am I Hungry or Bored?"- decided it was nothing and went to sleep!

I woke up feeling a little happier with my decision to skip the snacks and am doing the same thing today... I did work out 4x's this week- trying to get out of the funk I've been in. Maybe it's working?

I'm going to try taking it one bite at a time, then move up to one meal at a time, and eventually one day at a time...

All I'm asking for is some support. I need somewhere to go to keep me accountable.

The strange thing is that I can see myself getting thinner & actually enjoying a good workout. It's just getting there that's the problem.

What I know for a fact now is that:

1. Sugar (Carbs) & Salt are the enemy- they make me sick & fat

2. I can never drink enough water

3. I have to work out -- every single day!

I'm not saying that those 3 things are true for everyone- it's just what I've learned about myself...

The other thing I need to work on is my mental health. Getting more confident in ME and dealing with some issues that tend to keep me down...

This website seemed like a step in the right direction-- I hope I'm in the right place. If I'm not- some guidence on where to turn would be awesome!