Bad, Bad, and Worse

I was a bad, bad girl today. I mean swat my wrist, spank me with a switch, over the knee and everything (in a non-kinky way) bad.

I know... one week clear liquids, one week thick liquid, one week soft food, and one week introducing regular food. I may have deliberately skipped a few weeks. Bad, bad girl.

I had this craving starting yesterday. I'd have given anything just to bite into something. And just walking around Kohl's made me feel like I would faint from the lack of calories I've consumed over the last week. So today, I was naughty... in a bad way.

I was picking up KFC for my mom and my little brother... and I had a little. I know! I KNOW!

I had one small popcorn chicken (chewed until it was unrecognizable) and half a serving of mashed potatos. I felt so satisfied... it was incredible. It didn't take much... and I didn't drink like the doctor said... But to eat... even just a little.

I'm back on the wagon tomorrow. I'm supposed to officially start the thick liquids, which means protein shakes and more calories. I plan to spluge a little for my birthday and have a bite of cake (mostly frosting ... and only ONE) before filling up on water. But I'm going back on the wagon. I just... needed the calorie boost. And it went fine. I digested everything without complication (which probably means I'm definitely going to be having that fill at 4 weeks) and I felt satisfied (e.g. not hungry) for hours. And I didn't eat anymore as soon as I didn't feel hungry, which is a plus... as overeating has always been my problem.

Now, I can't wait for week 4. Grilled chicken and broccoli. Peas and spinach. Fruit! I know it doesn't sound like much, but I'd kill for a nice grapefruit right now. No more pushing it though... I caved out of pure desperation for calories. I will have enough calories in protien shakes to sustain me. No excuses for further failures. I probably shouldn't even have frosting at my party. I'd be harrassed endlessly, but it's probably for the best. I don't know. I have a few days left to think about it. Is half a bite of icing falling off the wagon, or an acceptable exception to the rule? If I stick to protein shakes and water (and juice and vitamins), can I reward myself with a little icing as long as I don't go overboard? I'm walking, I'm taking my meds, I'm talking to my NP about my concerns, I'm doing what I'm supposed to... but it's a question nontheless... to have icing (1/2 of on table spoon) or not? That's a question that's harder for me tonight than the to be or not to be nonsense...

The pain... overall the pain is getting better. The gas is still an issue, and an extremely annoying one at that. I'm taking chewable Gas X, which let me just say: Yuck. Mint chalk is still chalk. Most of the time the gas is gathered right under my left collar bone, but tonight it's decided to take residence under my left lung. Breathe in - ow! Breathe out - damn! And I've tried walking. I've even tried - gulp - ... how do I put this... hell, you guys probably understand this better than most of my friends... I've even tried jiggling my fat.

I seriously cannot BELIEVE I just wrote that on a public forum. Ugh.

Anyway... it's still there. I've tried taking deep breaths... everything I can think of... actually, when I'm done here, I'm off to try laying upside down on my bed. When I got up to take my nightly meds and to put a bandage on my big incision (kind of seeping a little, and I rather like my pjs) I could barely stand. I was breathing so heavily from the pain I started to sweat. Awful.

For the most part though, aside from tonight (which could be a product of the mashed potato cheating ... karma can be a cruel mistress), it's been ok.

The only real pain from the incision is when I get up or down from a seated position. Otherwise, no pain. I'm off pain meds (which is great because before the surgery I was in physical therapy for my back for months and on serious pain meds for 6 months... I was worried about addiction like you wouldn't believe). I didn't even take Advil tonight. I think I'll be fine without it.

Was this a bad idea? This surgery... was this really the road I should have taken... It's such a major change, and I know it has long term benefits... but is this really me? Am I really struggling over whether or not to have a bite of icing on my birthday... my husband is in Afghanistan and is going to miss my birthday for the 4th time in 5 years and I'm worried about icing... and starting to tear up is making my lower lung ache worse. Fabulous.

Laying upside down it is. Perhaps it'll give me a different perspective.

Hi Italics, you know I have had a few issues too. I probably ate to soon, like 6 days after preop, and like you i crave solids that are delicous. We both know that by eating solids can be harmful to the band right now, but our disease of eating anything in site is somewhat stronger than medical advice, hmmmm. I am on mushies right now and will be trying my best to beat this, get skinny and feel better health wise and confidence wise. I lost 31 lbs in 29 days and feel a whole lot better in some ways. I want to run to the fridge and at the same time I ask myself, 'what are you doing?" I need to do this for me and for my family, you need to question who you are doing this for and why. What it a bad idea, maybe it was, only you can answer this, but be honest with yourself. We all have problems in life and its those who fight fight fight, who come out ahead. I hurt from the gas too, life sucks at times, thats life. But I would rather live than lay down and die.

I read your blog and was thinking to myself that it's interesting reading all the thoughts that are just coming out of those fingertips and it all makes me wonder what it will be like for me when I get there. I am one month into my six month weightloss program.

And then there was the paragraph at the end. And then it all clicked.

So here's what I say. If you can have one little tiny 1/2 of a table spoon of icing - it's your birthday. But do you want the icing because you want the icing or do you want the icing because you miss your husband so very much?

Either way - It IS ok! But be careful of letting 1/2 tbsp turn into 1 tbsp into 1/4 cup...and so on and so forth. Cause those will NOT be satisfying calories.

And something else to think about. At least you are HAVING a birthday. Yes, without your hubby, they aren't as special, in a way - you miss him. But you will have future birthdays that you can share with him because you are taking control. So start now! (Don't eat the icing.) And think of what your hubby will see when he comes home. Imagine the surprise and the pride that he will exude. Think of how you will feel when THAT happens?

Is the icing worth it?

I can be idealistic cause I'm not banded yet. But was that bite of chicken worth the possible problems that might have caused? Be very careful, I'd say. You are on this path to make changes - so embrace those changes. YOU are changing your life - not this band.

I should admit there are forces outside the band that are influencing my thoughts. I have a mental disease called bi-polar disorder (and was diagnosed before it was cool and everyone thought they knew what it meant). I've been on heavy drugs for years, and in the last five days, I stopped taking two of my meds because of a mix-up at the pharm. Yep... that easy to throw me off course with this problem. Anyway, I'll restart the drugs tonight... to be honest, it's probably the reason I haven't been writing more and didn't come here before eating solids.

The lack of drugs make me revert back to a time in my life... the fun times that got me here... when I felt like I was a burden to everyone around me. Why celebrate the birth of a burden? Why work so a burden on others can have a better life? A burden doesn't deserve.

Mind you, I'm aware, in my lucid moments, that the disease--the chemicals in my brain--are causing these thoughts. It's just a lot harder to fight to live when you've lost your will.

I'll get it back though... gross crushed pills and all.

I read your blog and was thinking to myself that it's interesting reading all the thoughts that are just coming out of those fingertips and it all makes me wonder what it will be like for me when I get there. I am one month into my six month weightloss program.

And then there was the paragraph at the end. And then it all clicked.

So here's what I say. If you can have one little tiny 1/2 of a table spoon of icing - it's your birthday. But do you want the icing because you want the icing or do you want the icing because you miss your husband so very much?

Either way - It IS ok! But be careful of letting 1/2 tbsp turn into 1 tbsp into 1/4 cup...and so on and so forth. Cause those will NOT be satisfying calories.

And something else to think about. At least you are HAVING a birthday. Yes' date=' without your hubby, they aren't as special, in a way - you miss him. But you will have future birthdays that you can share with him because you are taking control. So start now! (Don't eat the icing.) And think of what your hubby will see when he comes home. Imagine the surprise and the pride that he will exude. Think of how you will feel when THAT happens?

Is the icing worth it?

I can be idealistic cause I'm not banded yet. But was that bite of chicken worth the possible problems that might have caused? Be very careful, I'd say. You are on this path to make changes - so embrace those changes. YOU are changing your life - not this band.[/quote']

It sounds totally stupid, but it is actually the icing. It's celebrating... having everyone stand around and woot because I had my one bite... and then move on to something else. I went to a party before the band. My mom had made stuffed shells and there was cake and chips and dip... you name it... and it was the weekend before surgery! I didn't waver. I wasn't interested in the food, because the event wasn't about me. But now it is.

I struggle with the fact that my husband is gone, but I have never overeaten because of it. I come from a long line of military women who understand what it means to support a husband who is supporting his country (even if my husband isn't exactly military).

I eat because I love food. My family is truly southern. We celebrate, grieve, and live by food. So, at my birthday, one small bite of frosting -- which someone wil probably put on my nose to take a picture of:blink: -- is about celebration. And the thing I have to reconcile is changing the portions ... because I can't change my family. And frankly, I wouldn't want to...