I'm thinking like a selfish a-hole right now... Posted 10-15-2009 at 02:16 AM

(Continued from previous post...)

I'm feeling all sorts of guilt/shame tonight as I type because if I'm honest with myself, I'm irritated. I'm annoyed that now that I'm ready for surgery, dh isn't working. We can financially survive due to responsible savings but DH doesn't want to get a credit line or use our savings right now for lapband because he doesn't have a paycheck coming in.

Its so my luck. In my head I'm sayin: 'Get a job! Hook me up! I need this dude! I want to get healthy so we can have that other baby we are ready for and I don't want to get further in my 30's to do it!!!'! Arghhhhhhh!!!!

Ridiculous. Selfish. Childish. There are people out there with real problems.. cancer, death, poverty, crime... and I'm pissed off dh isn't making my life any cushier that he already has.

I can't explain why my brain is throwing tantrums all day about it but it is & so I've been eating junk in retaliation. It occurred to me tonight as I was getting ready for bed that I had been eating perhaps to subconsciously tell my dh 'ok- if you don't get me that band, I'm gonna get as big as possible!!'

I don't want that & he doesn't either. If he could, he would get me the band. I know it. I'm just mad its gonna not happen right away.

I dream about it & try to think of ways to come up with even $1000. I dunno. I'm at the mercy of him finding a spot. He is looking but also apparently enjoying staying home. (Sigh) I enjoy it too but it just makes me feel shameful that I want him to get a check & start making my dreams come true.

I'm hoping my brain will stop being a brat & get it together. Thank GOD I haven't voiced my annoyance to dh. That's all the poor guy needs. I have, incidentally, been throwing out how much I need to get it done & how time really is of the essence since we want at least 1 more baby.

Ugh... Thanks for letting me rant & vent. I feel like a big a-hole but maybe it'll help me just get over it & be patient.