My future ex wife?

Category: Blogging

Brandi and I have a running joke about how, later in life, I'd try to marry her (because she's hot, she can cook like crazy, and she's one of the few people I feel comfortable with). Well, as amusing as this little joke is, I was suddenly struck by the fact that it will probably never come to pass. Why? I glad you asked, dear reader. Without further ado, here are the top 10 reasons B & I would never last as a couple:

10) - Ches and Cissy will probably live to be 120, whereas I only have, like, 60-70 days until that massive coronary hits.

9) - B is not a music lover. That, my friends, is blasphemy. BTW, I don't consider Flo Rider music.

8) - "Heart O' Stone" Liles is unaffected by my romantic poetry.

7) - The time it takes to go from being amused by my weird trivia recall to being weirded out by it is approximately 14.7 hours

6) - B is a social butterfly....I'm as social as the unibomber.

5) - I don't have any qualities that B would consider attractive (ie, I'm not rich, short, dark, or gay).

4) - Although I intensely dislike Chris Simms, that whole "Chris Simms is a p*ssy" shout kinda weirds me out. This leads me directly to:

3) - B can drink me under the table

2) - She has weird cousins (totally unlike mine)

And the number one reason why Brandi and I would never last as a couple...

1) - I know sexual techniques that would blow her Lutherian mind, and might possibly cause her to be excommunicated.

So, as much as it saddens me, I have to be realistic about these things. Ladies, I'm now taking applications (yes, you're gonna need references).