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About this blog

My VSG Experience Blog

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Why I'm getting the VSG

The first successful gastrectomy was performed by Theodor Billroth in 1881 for cancer of the stomach.

Do I have concerns about cutting out approximately 85% of my stomach? Yes. But I am more concerned about my life would be like if I didn't. The pain I have dealt with for 30+ years, the psychological suffering, the social loneliness, this can be nothing compared with some physical pain and the forebearance required by a 2oz stomach. I will take this path because there is something in the wiring of my brain that doesn't stop when it comes to sugar, there is no "stop" sign on hunger in my body. I don't need a genetic test to know that. I just need a fighting chance.

That's what this is. There's nothing easy about weight loss surgery. Nobody thinks, "oh, sure" I can just take the easy way out. This is not easy. It is not easy to accept that you have an addiction. It is not easy waking up every day and feeling self loathing. It is not easy changing your emotional and psychological crutches. 

This is about living. And that is the hardest thing. 

So instead of buying a gun and putting it in my mouth I bought myself a vacation to Mexico. I'm not telling anyone, I'm telling you, whomever you are that if you're reading this I know how you have felt. I have cried after eating myself sick. I have looked in the mirror with disgust. I have thought of my life as an empty shell, a lifelong ticket for the sidelines. 

I want to play in the game, not just watch from the sides.

I want to dance, not just wallflower.

I want to live.

And I'm willing to fight. 

But I need this fast forward, I need some jolt into success. I'm not asking for the easy way. I will fight. I will fight through the anesthesia, and the pain, and the stitches, and the burning stomach acid, and the gagging nausea, and the inability to swallow down meats that aren't pulverized, and the foregoing of old comfort foods, and no more big floppy pieces of pizza.

Why?

So I can sit on a plane and not feel mortified, so I can walk into a store and buy something off the rack (for the first time in my life), so I can ask someone out and not have to convince them I'm super smart and funny first, so I can go skiing in Breck, so I can go dancing and not have to drink my humiliation away, so I can play golf and tennis with friends, so I can hike, so I can kayak, so I can complete the triathlon I've signed up for three times, so I can sit on the ground and get up without an ordeal, so I can camp and not be exhausted or worried, so I can not be terrified of hurting my leg (again) because of ice, so I can not be ashamed to see family each year, so I can love myself, so I can be free, so I can go snowmobiling, so I can stop being scared of life, so i'm not screaming hateful words at myself everytime I meet someone new, so my life can be about living in the moment and not being worried about the weight. 

So my ex can see me and eat her heart out.
CoffeeGrinDR

CoffeeGrinDR

0
 

A new story...

Before we get started...
 
I grew up in an abusive household and I've done a lot of work with a therapist to get through anger issues but I haven't resolved my weight problems. 
 
I've gone through periods of losing. I have a cycle. I lose weight, I feel better, I meet someone, I get "comfortable", I gain weight, I get upset, I feel worse, I gain weight, the relationship gets rocky, I gain weight, I feel worse, I go through a break up. Repeat. 
 
I'm successful in my career but I have no doubt that I have faced "fat" prejudice in job interviews or with colleagues. I have no doubt that it has held me back in living my life; I have spent so much time getting out of potentially embarrassing situations its what I've lived my life knowing and excelling at: avoiding living. 
 
But when you are the weight I am you worry, you stress, you know that you might not fit in the chair, you worry that you'll bring the wrong seat belt extension; you know it will wind you to have to walk up the hill for the sightseeing, you avoid beach vacations, you would love to sky dive or ride horseback or even run, but you can't; you try to get to meetings early because you worry about having to squeeze into a row for a seat; you don't like being out of breath just from going up two floors with your colleagues when you walk back from lunch; you live in a state where people ski most of the year and you have no ski weekend stories because the thought of even walking in snow is exhausting. 
 
It is so tiring, so exhausting not living. 
 
And so when it is quiet and lonely but safe you are happy but not quite, so you grab that box of swiss rolls and the sugar and the pleasant set of movies make you forget about all the painful moments of being so aware of being the biggest one in the room but being invisible. But the temporary reprieve keeps us caught up where we are.
 
I don't think I've wrapped my mind around what my life looks like "thin" it's more of: what is my life like? I have no idea. I have been on the sidelines. Yes, I got places, I do things, but everything is always buried in these extra 130 pounds and it is tiring. I've lived in three different countries, I've traveled around the world, I go out and yet I do so always aware of my size. 
 
So, it's time to start thinking differently. Or rather, to stop thinking "fat" and start thinking "worthy" or maybe just to not have to plan everything, control the environment, avoid embarrassment. It's not a secret but we never talk about it. It's the most obvious thing but it creates so many walls that make us invisible. 
 
I'm choosing to live. I think I am afraid of what that will bring. No more sidelines. And there will still be difficult days and tough times and lonely Sunday evenings. And then what do I do? Without the food to soothe and the weight to blame, what does my narrative become?
 
It's time to start a new story of my life...
CoffeeGrinDR

CoffeeGrinDR

0

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