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Morbidly What?   This is where I keep my blog. I just posted a few minutes ago, not all entries are public, but some are.
pandagirl

pandagirl

2
 

Got a Date

I got my date for surgery, September 15th,2008. Of course, it's not officially confirmed yet. I was scheduled last Thursday and it's now Tuesday. I know the office is busy and they have to go through certain procedures, but I'm getting kind of impatient about it.   I suppose that's natural giving that this is a big thing. This surgery is huge and it's going to change my life.   I know we hear that all of the time "It's going to change my life." I know that I'm the one who is actually doing all of that, but the surgery is pretty much the finalization of that commitment to change. It's not as permanent as say the gastric bypass, but it's a long term if not permanent commitment to changing the way I eat. Which I really, really want to do.   I've been on this liquid diet for so long that I really don't know how to eat anymore. I have no idea what to eat and when to eat. I have low sugar issues, which I know is contrversial to many, but the issue is still there. I haven't had to deal with it on my liquid diet though. I get plenty of protein.   I've been wondering how the hell am I going to get enough protein after the surgery? My tummy will be so small. I wonder if I'll have to eat all day. Sometimes I worry that food will become an obsession.   Right now it isn't. Right now I occassionally crave certain things, but I don't get worked up over it. In the past my diets led me to a level of obsession becuase I had to be cosntantly vigilant of what I was putting in my mouth, when I was doing it, if the "right" foods were available, what would be my back up plan if it wasn't, how much water have I had today, will I be near a bathroom if I have to pee a lot, etc.   Living like that sucks.   And I'm wondering if the band will alleviate this or if I will go through the same kind of thing? I dislike not knowing how my body will react and how my mind will deal with it. I want to prepare now. I want to be ready now. I want to go into my surgery knowing exactly what I need to do.   But I can't seem to figure it out. I can't know until I'm doing it. Every bit of knowledge I have is conjecture based on the myriad experiences around me. None of them are mine, nobody is me and one thing I have learned and am certain about is that everyone handles the band differently.   The combination of possibilities is staggering. Though I'm beginning to think I'm worry too much over nothing. What will be will be. I will do what I have to do and I will learn it when it's time.   That sounds positive right? It's not fake, but it's not quite ready to come out. Give me about five minutes and I'll be there. :smile:
pandagirl

pandagirl

1
 

309.6

309.6 This morning!!!!!! I hope it's not a fluke. It might be water weight? Who knows I'm on the tail end of my time of month and my body has never been fully cooperative in that area. It's at least a moody bitch.   309.6 sounds good in any case. It's a start and I'm hoping I can do this and be 300lbs by 6-22-08. If I'm really at 309 though I might be there by the 20th. ( With the 1 pound a day loss.)   Hmmm, I'm thinking too hard on this. You know no plans. I'll just worry about today and get through this one. Whatever comes off, comes off.
pandagirl

pandagirl

3
 

This blog thing!!!

Okay. I have to stop there for a minute because this interface is driving me batty. Maybe it's due to the fact that I'm on my period and started the straight liquid diet again, yeah again.   Yesterday I went in for my weigh-in and only lost 2 pounds. I knew it was going to be next to nothing, better than nothing, but not by much.   So I asked Dr. Machado to write out a contract for me and have me sign it. I told her I'm kind of like a puppy who needs her face shoved into the poo. I mean, I don't know why this is suddenly soooo hard.   The contract was "drawn" up. I signed it. My next appointment is 6-27-2008. I need to be near/at/below 300 lbs. by then. I need to have my surgery scheduled before the end of August. I can't keep doing this and remain sane. I can't let myself sabotage myself either.   I don't know. It's not like I'm fucking up, not badly. I'm jus not....what am I not doing?   You know I'm a bit testy today, on edge to say the least. Perhaps this isn't the best time to attempt a calm discussion with myself. I already want to tell myself to shut up so I will politely say, "Bitch you ain't getting a sammich for dinner or a salad or a slab o' meat. Too bad you're on your period. You signed up for this. Do it or walk away, but don't spend the next two weeks complaining about what you have to do."     You know, sometimes I want to flip myself off.   I'm gone to stare at recipes because I still need to learn how to eat when I can again.
pandagirl

pandagirl

3
 

Failed....

March 6th 2008… This Thursday was a long time coming. The journey to get there started years before and failed attempt after another found me switching insurance companies and finally, finally committing to the whole idea. On January 7th, 2007 I was on my way to this day, the day that was going to change my life. I went to bed rather late, but didn’t worry too much about my 5:30am arrival time. I was going to be sleeping most of the day anyway right? Well, I did the no food or drink after 9am thing which is traditional. I packed light and wore baggy clothes, jammy pants and a t-shirt to be exact. Unfortunately for me, it was also my time of the month (this doesn’t affect the surgery). First thing I learned. Just because they told me to be on time didn’t mean they would be. My boyfriend and I were there 15 minutes early and waited another 30 before he prep-crew opened the doors. They made up for it by being nice. I was assigned a bed and asked to change into hospital wear which included their underwear and their feminine pads. I hope to god I’m not on my period the next time I have surgery!!!! And though I packed light, none of it stayed with me. It all went with my boyfriend. My clothes, my book, my glasses, all the things I brought for my one night stay, gone!!! No big, but it was kind of weird not having my glasses. (You can’t wear contacts, the anesthesia can dry your eyes out to the point the contacts will glue to your eyes.) During prep, the nurses hooked up IVs, talked to me a little about my surgery and what I was having done. They answered all of my questions and then I waited and waited until being moved to another room. There, a nurse checked my tubes, got me a warm blanket and basically double checked me and my information. My Anesthesiologist also came by and asked me a few questions about my medical history, my reactions to anesthesia and made sure my C-PAP pressure was right. ( I was told not to bring mine, they would take care of it. Some places ask you to bring your c-papa). All in all it was very smooth and every one made me feel safe. I had no doubt they were paying attention and I wouldn’t accidentally get the wrong surgery or anything like that. ( I would go nuts if I got the bypass by mistake). They wheeled me into surgery and I was out before I new it. When I woke up I could hear voices. I felt people touching me, checking my pulse and things like that. It took some time for me to come back fully to my senses and I’m not sure I actually did until another hour later. As I laid there I could feel my incisions, just slightly, like a itty bitty sting. I also thought that I didn’t feel that much different. Somehow I thought it’d feel like something was inside of me. I was thinking this as my Surgeon came up to me. She was smiling and jubilant. I smiled back the best I could. She looked away for a moment then said ‘We didn’t get the band in.” I heard her clearly. I asked why not and she explained to me what had happened. To tell you the truth I really didn’t hear what she said, just bits and pieces of it. “I have to lose 30 more pounds don’t I?” “Yeah.”, she said. Was she surprised I knew that? Was she just humoring the numbers I tossed out? I don’t know. But I was right and that’s what I had to do. I wasn’t upset at that moment. I took it all in stride and said “I got to do what I got to do and what’s the difference? I’m still losing weight.” I was sent back to the original staging area and there I was in the way. I called my Mom to come get me because I had sent my boyfriend to work, thinking I’d rather have him take the next day off rather than this one. The nursing staff was still nice, but it was hard not to notice to them I was now taking up space. They needed the bed I was in. They needed to get other patients into their surgeries. I did my best to be patient and you know what I did? As soon as my Mom got me I asked to go out to eat. I think it was a fuck you, a bit of anger, a bit of something bubbling inside of me. I started healing that day physically. My incisions weren’t so bad. If I swallowed too much, too fast I just stopped eating or drinking and it would pass. I imagine having the band will feel similar to that. I spent the next few days thinking, ignoring the failed surgery, then I allowed myself to get angry. I took a few days off of my “diet”. I reset myself and got ready to give it all another go. It’s May 29th now. I haven’t lost the weight as quickly as I would’ve liked. There are many factors to that, some medical, some psychological. I’m getting there though. I’m doing what I need to and I know I will have a second chance. Hey isn’t this all about second chances? (x-posted to surgery stories thread)
pandagirl

pandagirl

3
 

Updating....

I rarely post here because all of my entries are on live journal. I find that forum easier to write in that this one.   I don't have many friends over there, but that's not the point of my journal.   I wonder if it would do better over here, if I should be connecting to people going through the same thing as I am rather than "go it alone"?   I'm not alone really. I have family and friends supporting me in this, but there are times they can't get the full grasp of what I'm going through because they are not experiecing it.   Anyway...I'll think on it and see how I feel about opening up over here. It shouldn't be hard, but I'm finding that it is.
pandagirl

pandagirl

2
 

Week Three: Liquid Diet

The bitch is the next cubicle is eating bacon.   Is it wrong to want her dead?   I feel like I have to repent for the thought.   I know the bacon will make me toss my cookies, but still. It smells good, real good. I have to remember the McDonalds fiasco. How long before I stopped throwing up? 45 minutes. How long until my tummy settled? 4 hours. Was it worth it? No and niether is the bacon. :sick
pandagirl

pandagirl

1
 

14 pounds

I started the liquid diet on August 31st, 2007. As of yesterday, September 12th, I lost 14 pounds!!!!   Super yay!!   My only issue though is that my surgeon stated she wanted me to get to 350 before the surgery. Yesterday my Dietician stated the paperwork says 340/330. It bothers me that I wasn't told that. It pushes my potential surgery date closer to the holidays and my birthday. I was hoping to be functional by Christmas and not worrying about my body during what can be a stressful time. I wonder now if I should start my christmas shopping now. I am not sure if I will have the enegry during November and December.   Anyway, 14 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
pandagirl

pandagirl

1
 

Started Liquid Diet

I started my liquid diet last night. I was going to wait until after the Labor Day holiday, but saw that once again I was putting social eating above my health. So, I blended my first official liquid diet shake last night.   I put more milk than recommended and it was the wrong thing to do. I felt sooooo bloated. I had been using Unjury, which I love and a cup of milk with that leaves me wanting to snack in about three hours. The Doc told me to get Pro-rated (www.wellements.com) and it has 27g of protien per serving and that extra 7 makes a difference to my tummy. I had a shake at 6:30 this morning and it is now 15 before 9 and I still feel full. I hope I will feel this way for a solid 6 hours, but 4 will do.   My diet plan is 3 shakes a day plus a salad with protien and low-fat dressing. Getting to have the meat for dinner will help a great deal.   I want to tell you my starting weight, but it has flucuated like mad in the last two weeks.   8-16-2007:Surgery Consult: 377 8-21-2007:Dietician Appt: 385 8-29-2007:Labs:381   I will go with the 381, but my period is about to start and in the past, I always bump around 10 pounds gained, but after lose all of it.   My goal is 350 pre-surgery. Though, 340 would be awesome, but I am not sure how doable. Right now, I just want to lose as much weight as I can before the surgery. It will be healthier and get me closer to my goal of 170.
pandagirl

pandagirl

3
 

All Good

The approval issue has been taken care of. I have been approved for the consultation and my appointment with Dr. Machado is 8-14-2007.   I did start the exercise program anyway. I don't want anyone telling me that I didn't try to follow requirements. Besides, the refferal co-ordinator suggested as such. She didn't think I had to do it, but couldn't say for sure. I do have my approval letter stuck to my fridge. I hope that is all on that end.   Now, I have my consultation to look forward to. I think that will involve a psych evaluation and I will have to tell them about my gall bladder. I am assuming they will need blood work and all of that jazz. I wish I knew what they wanted, I might be able to start the process? Or not, maybe they have a special process for WLS?   I don't know. I really wish the site for Dr. Machado had more information for pre-consult patients. I suppose they'd be overwhelmed with questions though.   I am just happy to get this far. I hope that I will have the surgery before the end of the year. Well, if it isn't until January I can save more leave time?
pandagirl

pandagirl

1
 

Approved!! Kind of...

I went to my first supervised diet appointment in February 2007. I went to my last one on July 19th,2007. I was told that was it. I would get approved or not then get my paperwork sent to my surgeon, Dr. Laura Machado.   Today, I get a call. You are approved!!! I think yay!!! They give me a number to call and I am a little confused. It is the # for the main hospital that my clinic is attached to. I call the # leave a message. They call back and want to set me up for "Bariatric Screening".   What? I thought I just did that?   I tell them I just went through that. They tell me to call my doctor. I call and I am told that they just started a 6 month exercise program requirement in June of this year. I have to sign up for it though I will not have to wait for the 6 months to be up, because they are not going to make me wait another 6 months, etc. But I have to sign up for it, I have to go through it even though I will probably have surgery prior, if I am approved by my surgeon.   I thought this was going to be easier than Kaiser who sent me to a bartiatric seminar and never told me what to do next. My doctor was against the surgery, they who machine seemed to be against just informing me about it. I left Kaiser.   I had a friend who told me that if I go to her doctor, they will send me straight there,no problems. I siad no, I want to go through the screening. I want to make sure I am ready for this.   I am ready. It's been three years since I have thought about it. Two years since I seriously pursued it. Six months since I changed health plans so that I could go to a local facility and and a little over a week since I finished the 6 month supervised diet.   Now this? This is annoying. I am in the middle of a learning curve and becoming frustrated. I do not want to spend another summer with my skin probllems. It is getting worse and worse and I cannot for the life of me exercise without exacerbating the issue. I have exercised though. I have changed my diet. I have changed my whole outlook on food. I am ready, I have done all they initially asked. This feels like a bait and switc even though I know they are dong this to weed out all of the people who don't really need this surgery.   I know this, yet... I just want to have the surgery before the holidays. I want to start the new year with the life change. I want to do it now that I am ready not when I am beaten down with redtape.   I will do as they say. I will jump through all of the hoops, but by god I hope I don't suffer more than I have to.
pandagirl

pandagirl

1
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