I clean when I get nervous or frustrated and right now my house is spotless, my plants have been replanted, and if it wasn't so cold out, the cars would be washed. I have ONE more day and a wake up before my surgery. Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited, but I'm really nervous because even though I lost on the pre-op diet, I'm still dangerously close to my cut-off. My body is just rebellious! As soon as she figures out I'm on some kind of diet, she shuts down all weight loss. Story of my life!
Meanwhile, going to find something else to clean.
Wow, so where do I start? Let's go backwards
Yesterday I was in the ER. I hadn't had an appetite for 4 days. I'm really dehydrated and I've barely been able to look at any food, let alone stomach it. Around 5pm I started having really bad pains across my stomach and I got really dizzy and nauseated and if I had anything in my stomach it would have been all over the floor.. My heart was racing, I was really hot and that was scary because I'm always cold, and I was hyperventilating. I didn't want to go to the ER because they are HORRIBLE but he made me because I had symptoms of a leak.
Long story short, I left AMA, I mean just walked right out with an IV still in my arm. I waited 3 HOURs for pain/nausea meds and never got them. I was so livid I just walke out. So, I don't know if I have a leak. During those 3 HOURs, my symptoms subsided and I felt a little better and I thought if there was something really wrong, they would have seen it on the xray and I would have been up in the OR by now.
I know I'll probably get some flack for walking out, but I work in medical and let me tell you Bethesda Naval medical center is by far THE WORST facade of a hospital I've ever seen. 3 hours is unacceptable to wait in pain.
I don't know what is going on with me. The first 26 days was great. I was eating well getting in my protein and water and once my period hit, everything went downhill. Is this normal? Does this ever go away and will I ever get my appetite back? I hate being nauseous at the smell of food.
It's not really about the liquid pre-op diet or the fact that my husband has chosen to cook ribs for dinner ( my favorite). I'm pissed at my surgeon right now.
This is how I think. If I could loose weight on my own and keep it off, I wouldn't be getting this surgery. It took me months to lose the required 10lbs to qualify for surgery. And to my credit, I've held that weight off plus or minus 2 since November.
Ok, next. I gain massive amounts of weight with my period. Always have. 5-8 lbs at least. I have PCOS, the wacky hormones come with the territory. The morning of pre-op I was 270. and severely bloated. I told him that. and do you know what he tells me???
"If you aren't at your pre-op weight of 266 on the day of surgery, we won't operate." Iwent from to "you're kidding right?" to to and finally i'm at WTF
You're a physician, why would you put more stress on me knowing my issues with weight and that stress increases the amount of cortisol in your body, hampering weight loss efforts?? Why the hell would you say that to me? And for the past 4 days I've done nothing but obsess over what I eat, what I drink. I swear, I weigh myself every time I go to the bathroom to pee!
Better to have said, Hey, good job maintaining your weight. I understand your period is coming and I'm sure you're a little stressed out from your upcoming surgery. Just stick to your pre-op diet, and you should loose extra pounds before your surgery. Wouldn't that be great? you could jump start your loses with the pre-op diet!
I'm getting surgery so that I don't have to stress like this anymore. I should be entering into this surgery as calm as possible, not worried up to the morning of if I'm going to be cancelled.
The more I think about it the more
I get....
Yesterday marked 60 days post sleeve. Sometimes I forget that I lost 80% of my stomach until I eat a bite too many. Life is pretty much the same as before, but Im much more active adn happy. I've had so much going on in the past 2 months. I'm down 49 pounds since the start of this journey. I'm almost HALFWAY to my goal!!! I'm graduating from Nursing school in 2 weeks and hopefully I will start my job in June.
Despite the rough times, despite missing soda, and despite the second surgery I had to have for my gallbladder, this is the best thing I've ever done for myself.
I still haven't told anyone in my family except for my husband and mother in law and I plan to keep it that way. When people ask me what I've been doing, I'll just say exercising and watching my portions. I still eat the same except for bread, pasta, and sodas, so technically I'm not lying
Great news! I have some NSV's to share
1. my replacement wedding band no longer fits, but I'm still holding out for the big one, so this will have to do for now
2. My BMI dropped from 42 to 39.5. I'm still Morbidly obese, but hey, at least its coming down!
3. My fasting blood sugar usually runs 100-110. It's been 89!
4. I kinda sorta in a way can see my waist now! Thats always exciting!
5. I have so much more energy!! It's 3 AM and I'm up and ready for the day. Insomnia you say? Maybe, but at least I'm energetic!!
I've discovered a strength this week that I didn't know I had. I'm learning patience, perserverance, but most of all I'm learning to step outside of myself. I read Holly's blog (300 pounds gone, check it out, I love her writing) a couple of weeks ago, and she challenged her readers to help themselves by helping others. I may have paraphrased that all wrong, but that is the message I got out of it. Each of us is so caught up in the scale, the NSV's, our pain and suffering, that our focus is internal. I'm working on remembering to pull myself out of my own head and reach out to others. It's been fulfilling to give encouragement without expecting any in return
This surgery is not only good for the physical aspect of ourselves, but also the mental and spiritual. Then again, it is what you make it.
Have a great week everyone!!
I've always said, I will not listen to anyone giving me advice who hasn't been through the same journey. I hope that my story will add some credibility to my posts and inspire someone considered WLS.
I'm on a quest to find the woman I lost years ago. She's somewhere in this body, I know that, I just haven't seen here in almost a decade. I'm almost 300 pounds on a 5 foot 7 frame. My family medical history is like Wal-Mart, you name it someone has it. I want to break the cycle of high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, cancer, etc. . I can't get back the years I've already lost, but I can make the years I have left that much better.
I have a carb addiction, disillusion about the amount of food I should be eating, and an emotional eating habit. I was taught as a child to clean my plate, I remember at 8 years old looking forward to going to my grandma's because she always had pound cake made, and dinner consisted of meat, a few veggies, heaping mounds of carbs (rice/potatos) and rolls. 20 Years I've been addicted to carbs. My mom and I could go to a restaurant and finish an entire basket of rolls before our food came and still eat everything on our plate, plus another basket of rolls. Needless to say, I've never had a good example when it came to eating.
Fast forward through middle school, when at 5"7 and 130 lbs I was the tallest girl in my entire school. Talk about a complex. At 9 I thought I was fat. Junior high, I'm still tall and muscular but everyone else is catching up. Rumors start that I'm taking steroids. Hence another complex about being "thick" and muscular.
High School, the Revolution Years. I rebelled against EVERYTHING! Stress at home= emotional eating. I remember coming home from school and eating half a loaf of bread, toasted with butter and jelly because it made me feel better. Nutrition? What's that? It wasn't taught at our school. Lunch for 4 years, FOUR YEARS, consisted of chili cheese fries with extra cheese and sweet and sour dipping sauce, juice or soda, and some other high carb or fried food. FOUR. YEARS. I do remember a salad but it was far and few in-between. I think back on this and I cringe. What the heck are we doing to our kids??? My saving grace was band. The amount of practice we did counteracted some of the weight gain. I stayed around 180-200 lbs.
College, the fittest years of my life. I decided to major in Nutrition, the one thing I had no knowledge of. Freedom to come and go as I pleased means more time in the gym. HBCU band practice consisted of intense PT at 5 am and intense practice from 3-7. I was at my fittest ever. I wouldn't believe it myself if I didn't have pics to prove it.
Grad school I continued my good gym habits, but even a nutrition degree can't combat the psychological condition of emotional eating. I started gaining weight. Then I got pregnant. My weight shot up to 230 with the first pregnancy and miscarriage and I gained 20 more from the stress. Pregnant again at 260 with the help of pills. I went up to 285. Lost 20 and have been stuck at 270 for 3 years.
This brings us to today. 10 days from VSG surgery and positive about where my life is heading. I'm not one for sharing a lot of personal information, but I will try to keep this "blog" updated as I progress through. I need to learn how to let people in and break down this brick wall that I've built.
My how time flies. I think this is week 6 for me! I'm dealing with a few hiccups but overall I'm doing very well.
I've been stalled for about 2 weeks now. It has a lot to do with my gallbladder issues and I'm going to see the surgeon about it tomorrow.
Now here is the kicker. I gained like half an inch on my arms and chest while stuck at 237 but I had to remind myself that it will pass. PLUS I've been working out like crazy and lifting weights so OF COURSE I'm gaining inches of muscle! I just wonder will it sabatoge this golden window everytone speaks of the first 6 months being for weight loss.
Back to the gallbladder. I don't want to go into the appointment like "I told you so" but I did ask him to take it out with my sleeve and he told me it was not neccesary because most patients don't have issues. I should have insisted on it, but you live and you learn. It really does lower my respect of his opinion. I swear sometimes I feel like I know more about this surgery than him or my NUT.....
On a good note, my confidence is through the roof. It's such an eye opening to feel good about myself and realize just how much I turned down chances to hang out or try different things when I was 40 pounds heavier. I've been running, playing basketball, going to bootcamp classes on campus, and tonight I'm going to a Zumba class. I can get through an hour or dancing without realizing how much time has gone by.
I'm making plans this summer to go rafting and hiking with friends. My energy level is through the roof! I'm no longer living, I'm finally Alive!
Since the scale isn't moving, I'm motivating myself by trying to claim as many NSVs as possible.
1. All of my labs are...normal? What is that word? Normal. I don't remember the last time I had normal labs.<--- Wow!
2. I painted my toes. I was even able to rest my knee as I painted! <----That is EPIC!
3. I can cross my legs. I do it without even realizing it now. <---I've NEVER been able to cross my legs comfortably.
4. i went to a international festival and bought a bracelet. It fits!. <----- I couldn't buy normal jewelry for the past 5 years without some kind of extender.
Thank you for reading. I hope each one of you has a wonderful rest of the week!
because I"m starting to get hungry? Whaa I thought this was supposed to be over Im pretty sure its head hunger, then again, I don't know because its been very hard to get anything down the past 3 days. Everytime I swallow, it hurts and I feel so much gas come back up each time. Does this go away? I'd hate to have to feel this for the rest of my life.
I don't know if it's the chewing I miss or just the taste of meat but it's starting to wear on me
I know they say your brain uses more energy when you are studying so I wonder if that is my problem right now.
Any suggestions?
Yea I think I need a verbal spanking. I didn't quite sabatage my weight loss, but I went too long without getting my protein in today trying to meet a presentation deadline for school and I ended up advancing my diet without my surgeons permission. Yes I know. Terrible. I had a small cup of tomato basil soup strained and I ate it over an hour. I'm a horrible, horrible person...
Now here is the kicker.
Not only did I feel horrible for doing this without permission, but it made me question if my restriction is where it should be. I can drink a can of broth over 30 min to an hour. I'm back to taking regular sips of drinks, except in the morining when I first wake. I don't get that full, i'm going to explode feeling unless I drink way too fast or take too many pills at once. Is this normal to be able to get down 8 ounces of soup or broth and not feel like i'm gonna puke?
I know what you're saying, "Rhap, if you had just left the soup alone, you wouldn't be here now obsessing over the size of your sleeve". Yes, you're right, but humor me. I have to make mistakes to learn right?
My hubby said it may be b/c the surgeon used a 34 instead of 32 like most people on here have, but I didn't think it would make that much of a difference this early out.
Please give my my verbal lashing. I deserve it, I know I do. And I promise it won't happen again. I'm trying to be a good example and follow the rules but the old brain took over today. and that is definitely something I'm going to have to work on.
Tomorrow is a new day!!! “Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.” Robert J. Collier (1876-1918);
Writer
Soooooo it's day 3. It's also the last weekday of my spring break and I've done absolutely NOTHING LOL. Back to the surgery. I'm officially post-op. The surgery went very well. Passed the leak test, started my liquids, discharged yesterday. I thought I was prepared for it all. I've had a c section before, I read the forums, blogs, but nothing prepares you for this. The pain is different. My pain was constant. Its not just the incisional pain, its the gas and acid!
It was very hard for me to walk my first day. I was on a dilaudid PCA and I would fall asleep at the drop of a hat, but I tried anyway. The walking does help. Walk, walk, walk!
I overpacked. I couldn't even tell you everything that was in my bag, but I can tell you what I would not have made it without:
1. My heating pad
2. Gax-x strips
3. phone
4. tampons
5. wipes for the ladyparts
6. small pillow to splint your stomach
I'm trying to get all of my fluids in. It's a full time job I tell ya. I try to remind myself to sip and Keep a bottle of something close to me at all times.
Slowly but surely i'm getting it in. Whelp, it's time for the good ol' pain meds again, so I will keep you guys posted on my progress!
Overall, I feel good. I have a lot of energy, I'm healing well, and I'm still feeling restriction.
Scars
I've been using Scarguard MD, but it's only been a few days so I can't tell you if it works. However the reviews have been good so we will see how it goes
Food
My doc advanced me to mushies. I've pretty much been eating exactly how I was eating before surgery but in smaller portions sans carbs, breads, veggies, fruits. I chew until liquid like I'm supposed to and I haven't had any trouble. My tummy tells me when I've eaten too much or when I've eaten something she doesn't like anymore. The biggest change has been lactose intolerance. I switched to GNC Lean Shakes and I haven't had a problem since. The biggest obstacle has been head hunger. I'm physically full but mentally I'm starving
Weight loss
I've hit the infamous stall. I've been stuck at 246 for a week now. I was mentally prepared but it doesn't make it any easier. Taking it a day at a time and hoping it will break soon.
I've been super busy with school. I'm in my last semester of nursing schoola and we have a big comprehensive test this week. Wish me luck!
