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Pirates, Ninjas and Sleeves, The Quirky Rollercoaster Ride of Life

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Mirror Mirror On The Wall....Wow! Has It Really Been 10 Months?!?

It's been about 10 months since my surgery and I've lost 109.5 pounds total with about 30-40 more to go. It's...strange...being on the downswing of this rather amazing journey. Looking back over everything it's crazy to see how much life has changed in less than a year. I mean, I started out at 280+ pounds and plagued with constant exhaustion of all that extra weight on a 5'5 frame. Now I'm at 171.4 and I run 3+ miles at a time, zumba, kickbox, yoga and am looking into joining a climbing club. Some of the issues over the last 10 months have been harder to deal with than others. For example, I intellectually knew that my hair was probably going to thin but actually standing in the shower with practically hunks of my hair in my hand was....emotionally hard to deal with. For all of those who are just starting this process I highly, highly HIGHLY recommend using Bosley shampoo/conditioner/hair serum to help prevent loss and regrow hair. Expensive, yes, but worth it. It not only slowed the hair loss down but my hair is growing in thicker than ever!   Another interesting aspect to deal with has been the body/mind disconect. It's just plan weird to go into a store and have no clue where to go or what to start trying on. Your body is melting away so fast (especially in the beginning) that its shocking and you feel like your mind says one thing, the mirror says another, and your body lost 5 lbs during the 2 minutes you were trying on pants and now you have to go back into the store and find a smaller size. Fun, sure, frustrating, definitely.   In the beginning my weight loss was meteoric. It seemed the only thing I had to do was sneeze and I lost a pound. Once I hit 6 months, it started to slow and while that is sometimes frustrating I think it's also better mentally. I now have a chance to get to know my own body and to actually see where I'm losing weight. I measure inches lost once a month and it's been a great way to see that I'm still making progress even if the scale hasn't really moved. I basically take everything in 10 lb blocks and have little mini goals set to help keep my spirits up during stalls. Oh, and I also need to thank pneumonia. The 170's will always be The Pneumonia 10 since I pretty much zipped through them during 1 week. I finally went to the doctor thinking I had a bad ear infection/sinus infection and found out that I actually had that AND a bad case of pneumonia. Oops? While I wouldn't lie and say that I'm sorry that the 170s kinda just melted away from my fever and lack of interest in food, I would also have preferred not to have the plague. Gotta look on the bright side though, right? At least I now know why I've been so exhausted for the last week.   So I'm in the bottom bit of the 170s and I can actually see what my body is going to look like. I've been overweight for so long and since before puberty finally let go of me that I'm not exactly sure what my body type is. Hourglass? Lean runner physique? Pear? Delicate southern blossom? Hunchback of Notre Dame? *amused*. Yet now when I look in the mirror I can actually see the line definition of where muscle ends and the layer of chub begins. I can tell that my legs/arms/face are thinning faster than my middle and that the last 20 lbs will all be in my stomach area. My mom carries weight the same way and so it's not that big of a surprise. I have a feeling that those last 20 will be the true "Battle of the Bulge" and will be both frustrating and delightful. I'm actally rather pleased that I think I'm going to get the body type I've always secretly wanted, which is more lean runner with enough feminine curves to be interesting but not be Jessica Rabbit. Both delicate and strong.   My mind/body disconect has lessened over time and it's getting easier to know that this is me. That when I go out in public that people don't look at me and think "look at that fat girl". When I go to the doctors now I dont get the automatic "you are so obese you have to lose weight" talks from a doctor that is also oftentimes also overweight. (Yeah, anbody else ever notice the double standard of that?). I feel strong within myself and more confident every day. I've learned how to deal with what people say about my weight loss and how to deflect or disregard their comments. Its amazing how many people feel they have a right to comment on weight loss and tell you that it's either 'too fast to be healthy' or that 'you are turning into skin and bones and need to stop'. That last always makes me laugh because I look so thin in comparison to how I looked before, but it's still obvious that I'm carrying extra weight. My basic response to most questions on how I've managed to lose weight is that I had a "Lifeystle change". While I'm not ashamed about having had the surgery I also don't think it's every Tom, D.ick and Harry's business to know. I neither require, nor want, a casual aquiantance's judgement on my choices. And trust me, people have strong opinions one way or the other on having weight loss surgery. There are so many changes in my life that I want to make and this has helped give me the confidence to go after what I want. I want to look back in another year and be as amazed as I am now about how much life can change in a short amount of time.   For everyone who is thinking about doing this...you will be amazed at how great life can become. I'm not going to lie and say that it was always easy, but it has been worth it and I would do it all over again.
Lyra

Lyra

5
 

Minion Assassin Garden Gnomes

Did anybody get the number of the semi that just ran me over? My feet look like sausages that are about to bust out of their stuffing....they also kinda look like that time I thought I would be able to fit into this dress that I wore in college and ended up getting kinda stuck and having to do some advanced yoga moves (of which I don't know), and practically roll around in Crisco (just kidding...or am I? *waggles eyebrows*) to get myself out of it.   The alarm rang yesterday morning and up I popped with a whistle and a bounce in my step. We were ahead of orders at work and today was going to be a great day! Granted, I kind of had a budget-making panic attack the night before, but my mom talked me off the metaphorical ledge. Anyway, off I go to work and I'm there for a couple of hours when my boss runs up to me and asks me if I'm willing to go to another store 1.5 hours away because they need a cake decorator. The store had just opened and their cake decorator had an accident (not job related) so they were going through grand opening with nothing. Needless to say I wasn't exactly jumping at as I had PLANS for that evening (nefarious, minion-assassin-garden-gnome-needing plans for world domination!) and didn't want to drive 3 hours round trip. So then she sweetened the pot and said that our store manager would have me get paid time-and-a-half. Which is nice, but still not enough. Then she said they would also give me a non-taxed bonus. *grin*. Yeah, so I can be bought for that, plus paying my traveling expenses! I race to the other store and proceed to work a 13 hour day. Sheesh, my feet are STILL killing me!   Tomorrow I work and then drive to VA to spend the night as my last class and pre-op doctor's appointment starts at 7am on Tuesday. It's hard to believe that my surgery is week after next! WOOT WOOT!   Ladies and gentlemen, I would continue but I'm about to fall over I'm so sleepy. May you all have a fantastic Monday full of fun, adventure, and dragon hunting!
Lyra

Lyra

1
 

It's Not Onederland, But...

So for the last few years I've gone up and down the same 10-15 pounds. The lowest I've been is 260 and that's when I've dieted until life had no joy, but if I so much as looked at a piece of bacon I immediately jumped to 270-275ish. And, man, you can really feel a difference in your body at that weight! Yet today I jumped on the scale and it read 257.4!! It might not be onederland, but I'm just as happy! Go Lyra! *happy dance*
Lyra

Lyra

1
 

Invasion Of The Body Snatcher

Today I went to Zumba again for the first time since surgery and having dropped 53 pounds. For some reason I thought that I would be more graceful and more able to swing my hips and do my thing but I'm still gonna have to work on that. Thank god I 'dance' in the back of the class! Before I dropped this weight I had actually gotten pretty good at Zumba, but now I feel like my body is going nuts. My center of gravity is shot to hell, I drop everything and I just generally feel off. Not bad, as I actually feel pretty good, but different. Lighter, in some ways, and both stronger and weaker in others. I feel like I have a greater range of movement without all the previous fat globbed onto my bones, but I kinda feel like I'm 13 again and had just grown 3 inches overnight. Where do all the knees and elbows go?!?   I sometimes find myself shocked when I can sit cross-legged in a chair that I use to wedge myself into. Or when I cross my legs without thinking. Or when I put on that shirt that hasn't fit in 3 years. Little blasts of shocked pleasure and then I remember that my body is radically different right now. I almost feel like I'm going through puberty and having to relearn a drastically changing body landscape. Just today I realized that I needed a smaller sports bra. Of course, this realization happened during a particularily energetic Zumba song, but I was still surprised as I often remember it being almost too tight. Strange. I catch myself on those memories fairly frequently.   I also wonder what my body is going to feel like in another 90ish pounds when I get down to my goal weight. I sometimes feel like my body is melting away around me (totally not complaining!!) while my mind is off somewhere in an Irish pub singing bawdy sailor songs only to come back to a totally redocorated house. It's strange, and lovely, but so very confusing at the same time.
Lyra

Lyra

1
 

Insensitivity And Spider-Alien Love Spore Removal

Once again I was battling the Evil Denizens Of Cake and kicking some fabulous creativity butt when one of my coworkers come into The Batcave (a very, very small windowless room that the baking and decorating magic happens in. While the Receiving team may say that THEY have The Batcave and we're The Fortress of Solitude, they're wrong. So ha!) So there I was in The Batcave when a coworker of mine decides to chill out and talk to me. I love to talk and so normally I'm up for a good conversation except this guy is so socially inept and awkward that all the girls in the department cringe. Because he and I are the only people in the department currently not married or dating I think he thinks we have this 'bond of whatever' between us. Kinda like the two amigos against the big, bad world in our search for love and marriage. Except...no. While I would like to be in a relationship, right now I'm crazy busy and I also don't hang my self-worth on whether or not I have a man. Plus, he's really, really socially inept. Anyway, he starts drilling me on why I'm going to be out of work for 2 weeks, that he heard I was having surgery and what was it, etc. Since I have to work with him, and am more of a "Rudeness As A Last Defense" sort of girl, I tried to politely change the subject. Nope, the guy was like a friggin' blood hound. By this time a couple other coworkers had come back to The Batcave and were listening in. Which irritated me to no end. Hello, rude much?!   Well, the week before I had perfected my reply to people like him and so decided to see if it would work a second time. What I ended up doing was first I said that I was getting wings so I could flit around bringing cake to everyone. Instead of taking it as "Def-Con 1 Mind Your Own Bloody Business Or There Will Be Consequences" he asked me again. So what I did was lean forward and say, "It's actually really upsetting ((dramatic pause)). You see I woke up the other night with this spider-alien thing stuck to my face with a tube down my throat ((fake voice tremble)). They have to do surgery in order to rip out the alien love spore before I do my best Sigourney Weaver impersonation from Aliens 3." Yep, it worked again! When in doubt pull out amazing silliness and people tend to edge away from you and leave you alone. Or laugh. Either way they go away and stop asking intrusive questions. Niiiiiice!
Lyra

Lyra

0
 

Impatience X A Zillion= Stir Crazy

Time seems to be just meandering along, and in some cases, I think the clock is being moved backwards. I just started on this journey a few months ago and I have my first required class on Wednesday, then psych and nutrition on 2/15, then a support group 3/8, followed by my pre-op class. The most probable month of surgery is in April and I'm already stressed out trying to figure out HOW I'm going to schedule this around work. I'm a cake decorator so I can't be out of work on Easter, and the only other decorator is going on vacation 4/21. So unless the surgeon can do the operation around 4/9 then I might have to wait until MAY to be able to take the 2 weeks he wants off of work. Yes, I know I'm whining and that I should be happy I'm making forward momentum in this and that it's not like I'm not BUSY otherwise....but I'm just frustrated. I also know that I'm putting the cart before the horse and that everything will work out...but I'm just frustrated! It's funny in that I'm pouting about this and feeling so frustrated that I'm almost laughing at MYSELF in how ridiculous I am being. *sigh*   As I said before I have a rather long "To Do" list before I have the surgery. Goals that I want to meet before it happens: I'm going to do a 5K Mud Run/Walk with my bff before I have VSG, yoga training, weight lifting, wedding cakes, plan a wedding shower (not mine), etc so it's not like I'm bored. Perhaps I should use this opportunity to work on my patience...read a few books...work on my patience...   Did anybody else have Hurry-the-hell-up-gitis that I'm experiencing? What was your way of dealing with it?
Lyra

Lyra

3
 

Ignorance Is Not Bliss

So I had my first class today and it was full of a lot of important information, but I was shocked on how many people had obviously never read the book the doctors gave out or even did a standard google search. Granted, I'm kind of obsessive when I'm researching something...but this is a surgery that will change your life on so many fundamental levels. This isn't some magical wand that will go POOF and the weight will just fall off onto the floor, while you walk off into the sunset whistlin' dixie in your new size 6 pants. Example of questions:   1. "You mean we can't eat sugar, like cookies?" 2. "What do you mean there are small portion sizes?" 3. "But I love eating the The Texas Roadhouse 23oz Prime Rib!"   .....right, and those little telling questions are WHY we are all sitting in a weight loss surgery informational class.   I was just so surprised that seemingly intelligent adults wouldn't fully research something before allowing a doctor to cut out parts of their body. No wonder the Powers That Be make you go through all these classes before getting it done!   Also, a funny story. So my doctor also did the surgery on my dad. Last night dad told me that when he was in the operating room, but before they put him under, Dr. W came in and asked the nurses if it was okay to put a small computer on the edge of the bed. He looked at my dad and said, "It's so I can watch how to do the surgery on Youtube!" *grin*   One class down, four more to go, and onward I march!
Lyra

Lyra

5
 

I Hear Tell There's Gonna Be A New Sheriff In Town!

HA! I have vanquished my evil foe, Ye Olde Insurance Company and it quivers under the might of my Sword of Righteousness! We have parleyed and it has given over approval for my surgery! Huzzah, I tell you! Huzzah and Woot!   That's right, boys and girls, Lyra is going under the knife on April 25! Ladies and Gents, there will be a new Sheriff in town! My stomach, who will soon be called "The Sheriff" is gonna be a spur-and-chaps wearin', six shooter tottin', topped with a ten-gallon cowboy hat fighter of fat! Together we shall eradicate my engorged lipid cells to the far reaches of the planet, never to be seen or heard from again!   And now, I am off to watch some Monty Python: The Search for the Holy Grail! Or perhaps a giant, mutant alligator going crazy and attacking townspeople movie!   Thank you to all and to all a kick-ass night!
Lyra

Lyra

3
 

I Did What To My Hair?

This isn't specifically VSG related, but in honor of deciding to do this life changing procedure I cut my hair. I've had long (down to the bottom of my shoulder blades) hair for years and I told the stylist to cut it off. Yeah, I told her to Cut. My. Hair. Off. I didn't think I would panic, but when she started snipping it off my heart started to pound like crazy! The women out there totally know where I'm coming from on this! Everyone always said how pretty my hair was, and I think I grew it long because subconsciously I thought it would take the focus away from my weight. It's kinda weird how crazy our minds can get. So now my hair is a little bit longer than my chin and curly as all get out! When it was long the weight just made it very wavy, but now I have shirley temple-style curls. Who would have thought? Another upside is that the cut also makes me look a little older. Granted, it is nice to be told that I look like I'm in college (I turn 30 this year), but after awhile it gets irritating having to constantly prove how old I am.   Even though I'm still in shock that I did this, I also feel strangely free.   Did anybody else do soemthing life affirming, celebratory, or crazy before your surgery?   ~Lyra
Lyra

Lyra

5
 

I Am More Than Just A Weight Loss Surgery!

Okay, venting shall now occur and I consider this fair warning!   So I realize that I should be grateful that (for the most part) my friends, coworkers, and family are behind my 100% on this surgery. It definitely takes down the stress level and for those who look down on me for it I have no problem walking away. I've been going through the hoops and am almost done with all my classes/tests. In fact, all I have is the EKG (Monday!) and the support group meeting (3/8!) and I'm done pending final clearance by the insurance company. So why am I all "bitchy Lyra" right now? For the last few weeks all any of my friends want to talk about is the surgery. Again, I tell myself that I am happy that they're so curious and supportive...but it feels that anytime we get together somebody brings it up and they continually ask me if I'm scared/nervous/excited. They can't seem to believe me that no, I'm not scared. They ask me if I'm going to miss eating, etc. I dont really want to talk about how I'm worried that I might have emotional upheavel for awhile afterwards as I go from food being my emotional blankie to just something that I eat to survive. I feel so mean spirited and hypocritical, but I'm getting really frustrated with them. I am more than just a weight loss surgery. Talk to me about horrible monster/zombie movies, my art classes, work, my hobbies, my bucket list, my desire to play the violin...anything other than my surgery. I have this nagging fear that after it they're going to want daily updates on my weight loss. I know that it's up to me to have boundaries but this is just maddening. I love these people dearly and don't want to snap at them but I'm so irritated right now. Perhaps there is such a thing as being too supportive? God, what an oxymoron. Anybody else have this happen to them?   Okay, rant over. On the flip side I had my chest xray done yesterday and had a funny conversation with the technician.   Tech: So this is pre-op for gastric bypass? Me: No, it's for the vertical sleeve gastrectomy of the stomach. Tech: So its for the bypass. Me: No, there is no bypassing. It's a VSG. Tech: So its a lapband. Me: ....no.   Personally I think it's more disturbing for them to totally bypass your stomach or to have a plastic thingy in your side where a surgeon can influence a choke-collar on your stomach. This woman was horrified at the idea of someone cutting part of your stomach out, which to me was the saner choice. Po-tay-toe, po-tah-to.
Lyra

Lyra

7
 

Huh, Weird...but Strangely Cool...

Before I got the sleeve I had a ever so slight (more like OMG I can't help myself more more more!) addiction to anything peanut butter flavored. My favorite cookie? Peanut Butter chocolate chip. And yeah, there couldn't be just one. I loved peanut butter.   Fast forward 2 weeks and I'm struggling to get down protein drinks. My sleeve, The Sheriff, is very stern and very strict. He loathes lactose and anything sweet which means I've barely been able to stomach anything thats not watered down crystal light. My dad, however, decided to change up the protein mix for me and used soy milk and some reduced fat peanut butter. Which scared the crap out of me because what if I suddenly found myself launching through the space/time continuum in search of my favorite peanut butter choc chip cookie?   So, hesitantly I took a sip...then another sip...and guess what?!? Yeah, I could eat it because peanut butter no longer tastes sweet to me. It's okay, and kinda chalky, but it's nothing that I would write home about! I would rather eat something crisp and fresh tasting instead! Isn't this awesome! I'm totally uninterested in tracking down the nearest PB confection like a blood hound! YIPPPEEEE!   I LOVE The Sheriff!
Lyra

Lyra

3
 

Have You Done Your 5 Min. Of Cardiovascular Swashbuckling Today?

Things I plan to do after surgery:   1) Jet skiing in an actual bathing suit 2) Go to an amusement park and not fear being too fat for the rides 3) SHOPPING 4) Buy knee high boots (the ones without the 'expansion panel') 5) Restart taking martial arts and ballroom dancing. I miss them! 6) Get the tattoo I've been wanting for my 30th birthday- but have it also mean victory over being fat 7) White Water rafting and ziplining 8) Go on dates, Meet men. Have a real relationship. Have Sex. All. Night. Long. 9) Not be scared to flirt with someone because 'how could they be interested in someone like me' 10) Take a glass blowing class. Standing next to the furnace sucks when you come equipped with your own plushy, non-removable insulation!   11)...well, 11 is the hardest one. I've realized while going through this process some uncomfortable home truths about myself. That my attitude has kept me from really connecting with people who haven't known me for years. It was hard telling my friends why I wanted to do this. To open myself up to them in that way. It made me realize that I've used humor to keep my distance from people. To distract them from my weight and my insecurities. Don't get me wrong, I love making people laugh. I like the fact that I can make someone smile and perhaps brighten their day. I've been called quirky, funny, witty, and individual. I'm the one making the crazy puns, singing even though my voice is horrible, dancing just because I can and laughing at the world around me. I adore life and all its myriad craziness. I love causing people to rise above the humdrum of everyday life and to smile when I ask, "Have they done their five minutes of cardiovascular swashbuckling today?" or "What is their philosophical standpoint on foam in their latte?" Why be sad when you can smile? Except somehow the philosophy changed and morphed into something less wholesome. It became my defense and barrier because who looks deeper into someone who is laughing and smiling? Who notices the fat when someone is funny? One of my oldest friends put it best when he said, "You've always laughed, smiled, and dared the world...but there was always this undercurrent of sadness that you rarely let anybody touch."   There was this feeling of sadness that I buried so deep inside of myself that I rarely acknowledged it. I wasn't (and am not) depressed or miserable, but sometimes I would feel wistful. Is this how my life would be, slowly slipping by? I had friends, but many of the things I wanted to do were denied to me. Where was the life of love, family, and adventure that I felt sure would be mine when I was in high school or even college? Would I have to let pieces of myself die as I slowly became resigned that this is all there was? Would I let my fear of failure rule over my entire life? One of my biggest fears was always that I would become one of those people whose spark has been beaten down by life. I do not want to become one of the faceless ones who have given up all hope. Life is so beautiful, and I dreaded becoming bitter because I felt trapped.   Yet it is hard to open yourself up to the world. Even with our friends, because they have the power to hurt us the most. Our culture eats the weak and it is rare when personal pain is able to touch the hearts of others and bring help instead of humiliation; Understanding and hope, instead of sneering and cruelty. Even with my closest friends sometimes it's easier to make a quip instead of talking about emotions. I also think I learned early that if society would not value me for my looks (and would often be actively cruel about them) then I would be valued for my personality and my mind. That I would not be ignored as insignificant and shoved into a corner. That my brain was not somehow worthless because my body was not a size 6. I would not be ignored! And I'm not. I would not change my quirkiness, but I would like to be someone who can be more open to other people. I would like to know the woman who can be both funny and thoughtful. I would like to know what it feels like to not feel confined by a prison made of flesh. To not feel like I have to smile, smile smile. To actually believe, to the very depths of myself, that I am beautiful and worthy of a life of love and adventure. To be physically able to live that life. To actually know that life is not over, that it's just begun, and that there is an entire world waiting for me.   The hope for a better future is a powerful thing. It's gonna be hard, but that's okay. I have a lot of work to do on the inside as well. I am thankful ever day that I heard of this surgery, that I qualify, and that I'm schedule to have it April 25.   ~Lyra   ps- Dear Site Designers: Once again I had to rewrite my entire post (I am seriously pissed at myself about that) because I clicked Add Entry (I tend to write the title of the post last and the button is right there) and my entire post was deleted. Hitting backpage did nada to retrieve my entry and I think my scream hit the stratosphere. Is there any way that ya'll can add in a line of code that allows you to retrieve your unpublished post (instead of just deleting it) if Add Entry is accidentally hit?   Thanks!
Lyra

Lyra

0
 

Hair? What Hair?!?

Wow, when they said I might have hair loss they weren't kidding! I just started my Bosley shampoo/conditioner/hair regrowth treatments and I hope that they kick in soon. Every time I shower I literally have hunks of hair falling out into my hands. Yuck! I'm not exactly happy about this, but I'm resigned that its happening and will continue to happen for awhile. On the other hand, I'm so DAMNED excited that I'm 9 itty bitty pounds away from ONEDERLAND! I haven't been this weight since college. I went shopping the other day and was able to find clothing in the regular section of the store. I about started to cry! Actually my friends had to keep pulling me away from the plus size clothes because I kept thinking that's where I needed to be. I actually where between a L and a XL in shirts and am a 14 in pants. Not bad since I started at almost a 3XL and a size 24! I look into the mirror and I think "I look pretty". It's been sooooo long since I thought that. I'm still flabbergasted about how much my life has changed in a little over 3 months. This is the BEST decision I've ever made. I'm hoping to lose a full 100 pounds by my sixth month surgiversary. That will put me at the weight I was my senior year of high school at 180. Then I just need to lose 40 more itty bitty pounds and will be at my doctor's suggested weight for my height and body build. I'm going on a rockin' vacation in February and hope to be, if not at my goal weight, to be within spitting distance of it.   Thank GOD I decided to do this. I don't regret a moment of the pain, crazy hormones, or stress that I've gone through over the last few months. Literally this has been the best decision EVER.   Now, if only my hair would stop falling out.....*amused*
Lyra

Lyra

4
 

Following The Yellow Brick Road

I went to my Wellness and NUT class yesterday and I have to say that I was shocked. Once again I go to these mandatory classes and I sit there and think, "Does anybody actually know how to google?" Hell, the moment that the idea of VSG tickled my brain I immediately powered up my trusty laptop for some quality web time. Thats how I found all you lovely men and women on this site! Yet here I was, months later sitting in my W&NUT class and listening to this one gentleman say, "You mean I have to give up my McDonald's Deluxe Breakfasts?". And he wasn't being sarcastic, he was actually dismayed. *sigh*   On another note, I also passed my Psych(o) exam yesterday! $345 for 50 minutes that involved a conversation and a test to determine my mental wellbeing. Obviously I went into the wrong line of business as this sure beats my hourly wage!   I'm having friends over for dinner on Saturday and my bff told me that her husband isn't really getting why I'm having this surgery. Basically he's worried about me having surgery, as all surgery is dangerous. Also, he thinks that you can lose weight just by trying harder and using will power. Luckily my bff said that she thinks thats bs. I dont think that if you've been thin your entire life that you can understand how hard it is to lose weight and keep it off. So dinner should be interesting. Basically my mantra is, "You can be supportive without actually agreeing" and "Bring on the questions as long as the conversations are respectful". I'm not worried about it as its my choice, my family is behind me, and the effects speak for themselves. Also I know his questions come out of concern for me, and that it's not coming from a mean or judgemental place. Sometimes I forget that those who have never had surgery or health problems view surgery so suspiciously. I'm only 29 but I've had my appendix and tonsils removed, pins put into my foot, two surgeries on my legs to fix a brown recluse bite gone bad, wisdom teeth removed, and breast reduction surgery. Surgery itself does not scare me...and I think you get to a point in your life that you are willing to risk everything in order to gain a healthier and better life.   One more class to go on March 7 and then everything can be submitted to the insurance. Woohoo!   "If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance." ~ Unknown
Lyra

Lyra

0
 

First Appointment And Stress And Guilt...oh My!

So today was my first doctor's appointment with Dr. W and he was fantastic! I felt very comfortable and he answered all of my questions without making me feel like I was just another faceless paycheck. His staff are also a bunch of supremely competent and amazing nurses who went to the extra mile to help me schedule some other appointments. Overall, it was amazing and I wouldn't be so stressed except for one thing...my insurance does not cover gastric surgery. At all. Zip, zilch, nada. So unless the doctors and hospitals go back to accepting chickens as a payment method myself and my family (who rock!) are going to have to come up with the money before I 'go under the knife'. That part definitely creates a ball of stress in my stomach, along with an unhealthy amount of guilt. The fact that my folks are willing to scrimp and save along with me for this makes me feel so unworthy. My mom almost brought me to tears saying that this was important for her, because it is important to me and that she would do what she could to help me pay for this. She keeps reminding me that 'where there is a will there is a way' but golly, I sure do wish that the way was a lot easier!   Adios, ya'll and if anybody knows how much a kidney goes for on the black market, let me know! (joke)   ~Lyra
Lyra

Lyra

2
 

Feeling Yoda-Like Calmness, And A Letter To My Stomach

So I'm here at the hospital in one of their 'hotel-style' rooms. Very comfy. My check-in is at 7am for a 10am surgery and I know that this is right for me. My feet are on the right path and my head is in the right place. I don't know whats going to happen after surgery and what life will be like, but I have faith that everything will work out. I am calm. I am ready. Bring on the scapel, Doc, and let's do this.   Tomorrow is the day, thank you to everyone who has been with me so far on this journey and I'll keep ya'll posted.   See ya on the flip side!   ~Lyra   PS: A Note To My Stomach   Dear Stomach-   We've been together through thick and thin, literally. We've had good times, great times, and "how many tequila shots and burritos did I actually eat" times. Looking back on it, we've had a good run over the last 29 years. Granted, you were always a little bit finicky about lactose, and good at making epically loud grumbly noises that were better suited for the soundtrack of Star Wars (the part where the Death Star exploded, to be exact) but overall our relationship has been just a bit too good. For whatever reason you didn't have any boundaries, and I was a champion at crossing mine. So, in all due respect for services rendered...I want a divorce. Don't worry, though, my dear stomach, part of you will live on inside of me. We will still have a relationship, albeit a much healthier one. Remember the humiliation I felt when I couldn't get on the rides at the state fair? Yeah. I'm not saying it was all you, I definitely had a hand in it, but we're just not good together. You're just too much stomach for me to handle.   Please don't look at this 'divorce' as a forever goodbye. We will still enjoy food, just in smaller and much healthier amounts. Overall my happiness and future will be brighter because of this decision. Together we will strive for a better future. Together we will succeed, and together we will ROCK OUR SLEEVE!   So, goodbye dear stomach. In the morning we will go to sleep and when I awake I will no longer have a demanding and lazy stomach. Instead The Sheriff will be born, and a new sheriff will indeed be in town.   With love for the last 29 years of overly dedicated service, and with hope and faith for the future-   ~Lyra
Lyra

Lyra

0
 

Fat Pounds, Meet Your Match!

So my first VSG blog entry, how exciting! A chronicle of the minutiae of a pre-sleevers journey towards a new life...and oh how I want that new life. To excuse a bad pun, I want it so much that I can practically taste it. I figured even if I'm only talking to myself and sending these blogs out into the ether, then at least I can get how I feel on this journey down on paper. It may be interesting to look at a year from now and actually know what I felt and how I changed without the rose tinted glasses that time often gives our recollections. Or perhaps at the end of this journey, when I've met all my goals I will ceremoniously hit 'Delete'. *grin*.   Right now I'm a 29 years old woman, 5'5" ant 270 lbs, no kids, no SO, but with a ton of friends and a close family who are being (for the most part) very supportive. I do have a rather crazy cat, but I personally think she would be horrified at a reduction in cushy lap space. My deepest desires are to run marathons, complete Tough Mudders, join canine Search and Rescue, become a published writer, and to get married and have kids. I don't know about the other ladies out there, but I'm damned sick and tired of being "the girl with the hilarious personality" with the unspoken "too bad she's fat" tacked on the end. There is more to me than my weight and I finally reached the breaking point where I could give up and accept that my dreams would forever only be dreams...or I could take the bull by the horns, pull up my big-girl panties and figure out how to become a woman that can forge her own path. To that end I left a job that made me miserable, moved to a different state and now have a job and friends that make me smile and actually dance at work. As my dad found his courage to go through a surgery he was terrified of, I in turn found mine to take the next step.   To that end, my first bariatric doctor's appointment is Tuesday and I can't wait. I've been working hard at proper nutrition, weight lifting, yoga, and running to get my body in the best shape possible to tolerate surgery and to kick tail once I'm through it. I'm reading books to figure out why I eat what I do and how emotions dictate my eating. I'm calling it the three-pronged attack so that I am ready emotionally, mentally, and physically for what is to come.   Life is good, and with better health it can only get better!   Feeling Five by Five! ~Lyra   "Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels. " ~Faith Whittlesey
Lyra

Lyra

2
 

Escaped Marbles And The Vapors

I consider myself an intelligent woman, but sometimes I really wonder where my marbles are! So I decided that I was going to be 'Proactive Girl' and start weaning myself off of solid food now instead of going cold turkey on Tuesday. Of course, I was more of the philosophy of "I got this" and jumped in with both feet. That scream you heard yesterday at about 3pm? That was my metaphorical chicken broth parachute getting a hole in it and metaphorically dropping me on my a$$.   So yesterday starts and I'm feeling all virtuous that I replaced both breakfast and lunch with one of my approved food groups. I can have things like broth, carnation instant breakfast, sugar/fat free pudding, under 5g sugar/fat free yogurt, cream of whatever soups etc. I just can't go over 20g of protein so that my liver shrinks away to nada. Of course I had run out of time the day before to get anything from the above list, which would make you think that I would just put it off for a day. Me, do something like that? Surely you jest! Luckily I had chicken broth that I had doctored with some cream of whatever and strained. So I had that for breakfast and lunch. Now I work in a busy store where I'm on my feet all day, work next to a hot convection oven which turns 'The Batcave' into 'The Alcove Of Despair From Over 100 Degree Temp', constantly moving, carrying 50 lb bags of whatnot and I've pedometered myself at walking about 3.5 miles at work in the course of an easy day. Can anybody guess what happened? Yep, all of a sudden the world got nice and bright and kinda floaty. No, I didn't faint or have the vapors (southern women don't faint, we engage in mortal combat with the floor) but I did get so birdbrained that when I got done putting gas in my car I forgot to put the lid and hatch back on the gas tank. Or I would forget what I was going to the back of the store for. So after talking to my dad, who had this surgery 2 months ago he kinda clued me that it was not one of my better ideas. Also, more water is needed when your body doesn't have enough fuel.   So today starts Day 2 of Easing Into The Liquid Diet. I went to the grocery store yesterday and got provisions so that I don't do my best Gone With The Wind impression at work. It's my long shift today so here's to hoping!   I hope everybody is having a phenomenal day and that your weekend is bright and shiny!
Lyra

Lyra

4
 

Emotional Eating, Thy Name Is Lyra

Hello, my name is Lyra, and I'm an emotional eater. Strange, isn't it, that as soon as stress and emotions run high food becomes my bff. Salty, sweet, and spicy...all if it is amazing. I love food, and I love creating food as well. Hell, I even went to culinary school. There is something amazingly satisfying about combining ingredients and watching as a meal takes shape. To truly create something that appeals to all the senses, seduces the palate, and exposes the soul to foods from around the world. To be fair, a good portion of my delight in cooking is feeding others, but I would by lying if I said that the siren song of food does not call to me. As soon as stress mounts I find myself whipping up Indian, Morrocan, Asian or Italian food. The problem isn't my delight in cooking, my problem is using food as a crutch when I get stressed. My problem is the fact that I have major issues with portion control. It's frustrating that I'm strong willed in other aspects of my life but not in this. It's frustrating that so much of our culture seems to revolve around talking about, cooking, and eating food. I'm ready for this surgery, and resolved to give up this unhealthy relationship with food. I'm scared/nervous too but I have to do this. I want a healthier life, and a life where I can try new things and travel and actually LIVE. I have to reprogram my brain, and have surgery in order to have such a life. What shocks and amuses me is that some people think that THIS is the easy way out. Easy...right. *rolls eyes* This is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I haven't even had surgery yet!   So my question is, how did (or do) all of ya'll deal with emotional/stress eating and snacking?
Lyra

Lyra

5
 

Ekg Done, Huzzah!

So off I toddled today to get my EKG (my last test!) done. I had to wait 1.5 hours for a 5 minute test. I'm a rather energetic lady and so when I be-bopped into the cardiac waiting room I got the "what the hell are YOU doing here" stares from about 85% of the waiting room. For some reason I thought the EKG would involve diode glue and having to chill out for at least an hour. Nope. It was peel and stick stickers and barely getting comfortable when I was told that I was done. Weird.   My support group meeting is 3/8 (only 10 days!) and then they can schedule me for surgery! Whoop whoop!
Lyra

Lyra

0
 

Dear Hormones, I Want A Divorce. Sincerely, Lyra

Okay.....this is going to be one of those rambling "off your chest" sort of posts. Emotional upchucking at its best (yeah, I know, I put it so delicately, don't I? I'm such a frail southern blossom of femininity.). Seriously, though, sometimes I feel as emotionally hormonal as an adolescent! It directly correlates to a big sudden drop of weight and the release of fat locked hormones into my bloodstream. I intellectually know this, but I hate _feeling_ like this. Combine this with how stupid I feel about how _frustrated_ I feel and I feel like a mess. I guess for all of those who don't speak "Lyra" I should probably explain this....   I've spoken before about how it takes awhile for the mind to catch up to the new body. People treat you differently and suddenly you're dealing with flirting, and come-ons and half the time I'm bloody oblivious to it all because nobody has looked twice at me in years! And no, I'm not complaining, because it's awesome, but I feel like I'm speaking the same language as everybody else, but with a different dialect so that things get lost in translation. It rather reminds me of when I went to England as a teenager and had a little misunderstanding involving biscuits vs. cookies. Basically I need the Rosetta Stone for social situations. I thought I had outgrown my lack of social acumen in my late teens, but apparently not so much. I've gotten myself into some really embarrassing situations because of my oh-so-charming inability to read the bright neon social signs.   Add the above together with the fact that I caught Ebola (translation: the flu) for three days and was a miserable wreck of a human and it's been a crazy week. Literally, if a ninja had suddenly broken into my home I would have gladly asked for a quick beheading. Ya'll, I highly highly HIGHLY recommend getting your flu shot this year because you don't want what I had! Granted the flu got me over my little 189ish lb stall (185 now! huzzah!) but it meant that I lost those four pounds in 3 days. Thus my poor body was inundated with hormones besides having to deal with Bubonic Plague.   Add on that I feel sad (for no reason, life is good!), frustrated, exhausted, and moody and I'm sure my coworkers are loving me right now. I loathe feeling so overly emotional and finding ways to channel it has been interesting. Running seems to be the best method I've found, along with working on my artwork. Strangely enough though I don't think my bosses would like it if I went for a couple mile run when I should be decorating cakes! *amused*.   I know that this too, shall pass and I'm aware enough to be able to reason out why I'm feeling this way and that that it's purely biological. If I follow the normal pattern I should be back to 'normal' within another few days as my body absorbs, processes, and resets...but man, is it aggravating while it's going on!   So my query to all you fine readers out there; Does this happen to you? How do you deal with it when/if it does? Any good stories that may bring a smile to my poor, wan face? *puppy dog eyes*. The flu is good for nobody's complexion, lol!
Lyra

Lyra

3
 

Danger Will Robinson, Danger!

Holy batcrap, Batman! Last night I went to this awards dinner for a friend and the food and wine kept coming...and coming...and coming... I admit it, I ate the hell out of that food. If the food was an enemy army, I not only defeated it, but laughed in the face of it's useless whimpers for mercy. It was amazingly delicious, but at the end of it I was...unimpressed? That's not quite the word that I'm thinking of, but by the end of the meal I got hit with a wave of "this is so not worth it". I'll admit...ever since I've decided to do this surgery I've kinda had an "enjoy it now, within reason, Mr Stomach (I have no idea why my stomach is a dude, since I'm a woman, but eh) 'cause you are gonna be a trim, slim, mushy eating machine soon." Of course, this doesn't give me carte blanche to gorge myself into insensibility...but I did find myself pleased that I'm starting to separate food and emotions. Yeah, it was good (read: scrumptious) but on the scale of "Delcious food vs Lyra's Awesome Life Waiting To Happen" it falls short. Very short. It also isn't as emotionally fulfilling as it used to be. Perhaps it's because I'm taking this step forward to change my life that I've started feeling this way. I still enjoy great food (see pig-like actions above) but it's now more about the taste than "I feel so sad/depressed/angry/bored lets eat a cheeto" that I was (not) rocking before.   So, porky pig-like actions are a thumbs down, but who would have thought an awards banquet would bring about some self-realization? Now I need to go walk a couple of miles and do some (a lot of) "I was a bad, bad Lyra" pilates.
Lyra

Lyra

0
 

Dancing On Tables, Tequila, Turning 30 And.....jumping Off A 60 Ft Tall Platform!?!

I have had an absolutely crazy past few weeks. Not only did I have my sixth month surgiversary where my total weight loss was 90 lbs, but my doctor and I had a touching Hallmark moment where I thanked him for doing the type of job that he does and that it was the best decision of my life. There was also a hug involved. My doctor is really awesome and I swear I saw a glimmer of moisture in his eyes! *grin*   I also turned the BIG 3-0! It's kinda funny because people at work made me show them my license because they didn't believe me. They were convinced I was in my early to mid twenties. Then they couldn't believe the difference between my license picture and what I look like now! I had a big 3 day celebration for my birthday! It was a validation and affirmation of life at its most basic. The first night I went clubbing with friends. I had searched long and hard for a hot outfit and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. My brain still thinks I'm the old overweight and frumpy woman that I was 6 months ago, and not my new curvy size 12/14. Guess what happened yall! *gleeful smile* Men came up to dance with me! Good looking men, too! I was invited up by some of the dancers to dance on this lit dance table in front of the entire club! Apparently I'm "a hot and sexy dancer" who "knows how to move". I might have also gotten my first impromptu lap dance, but a woman has to have SOME secrets, right? *wicked smile*. (HAHA! I just reread this and realized it sounds like I went to a stripclub. It was actually a regular dance club that had platforms that people could dance on.) Swear to god I'm still blushing about this....I always thought men wanted the perfect skinny girls BUT apparently there are many of them out there who are attracted to me even now! It was SUCH a boost to my ego and my sense of sexuality. I know that I shouldn't let other people's opinions define me and blah blah blah, but for someone who has often felt invisible to the opposite gender....it was amazing.   The next day my friends and I traveled to a place where we could zipline, megajump (jumping off a platform 70ft in the air into a controlled fall) and doing obstacle courses set 40-60 ft in the air. We were in climbing gear and it was amazing. I kept expecting things not to fit, or for someone to pull me aside and tell me that I was over the weight limit....but nobody blinked. I don't know when my brain is going to catch up with the rest of me, but I have to say I'm enjoying these little shocks of surprised delight that I keep getting. I've decided to join a rock wall climbing club as I've fallen in love with climbing, ziplining, and jumping from tall places. This is amazing as I'm actually terrified of heights! Again, it was very life affirming.   The third day of celebrations involved going out to dinner and going to a burlesque show. It was awesome and the perfect way to say adios to the 20s and welcome in my new and sexy 30s!   Okay, now for the down and ugly. I had been stalled out at 191.4 for ages. I think the truth of it was that I was tired. I had fought for the last 6 months to lose weight and break 200 and I almost felt like where I was, was okay. Silly, I know, but I was so tired and discouraged when my stall kept going. So I fell off the diet (I still ate small portions, but I didn't make the BEST choices and while I didn't gain weight, I sure as hell wasn't losing it either). It's like my subconscious was saying "eh, you're looking great and this is good. Relax and have another chicken tender". Stupid stupid stupid. I would like to blame my exhaustion and the fact that work has stressed me out beyong all belief to the point of edging into burnout. I had to actually beg my boss for time off or that she would be working me into the ground. But all those are, are excuses. For my birthday I drank and ate whatever I felt like and I realized how much I don't like the way I feel when I do that. Sodas, tequila, and fried foods make me feel heavy and icky. It is definitely not a habit I want to pick back up!   So my birthday put me back on track, ya know? I felt how amazing life was....that I could go to a club and people would WANT to dance with me....that I could overcome my fear and zipline, and that I sure as HELL didn't have surgery and go through all the complications afterward to be satisfied with 191.4. Screw that. So I pulled on my big girl hipster panties and gave a good long look at my current diet. And decided that I needed to switch things up a bit. I've gone back to eating mostly fish and lots of fruit and veggies. Because I work a really odd schedule (and because I work around food) I have a chocolate protein drink as a 'snack' so that a) I'm full and I can have a taste of chocolate and this keeps me away from snacking on brownies or other crap. Even if you only have a bite or two that adds up over time. I'm forcing myself to drink so much water that I'm in danger of turning into a fish and have rededicated myself to running. I ran 20 minutes without stopping tonight and it felt great!   I may have temporarily 'lost' the battle, but I'll be damned if I lose this war. I set some new goals for myself for weight loss and I'm gonna meet them and smash them to itty bitty pieces!   And would you know, when I stepped on the scale today I weighed 188.8? Lyra is back, wearing her fabulous knee high ass kicking boots, and is ready to wage some serious war!
Lyra

Lyra

5
 

Computer Problems And Patronizing Family Members

Sorry I haven't been around a lot, but I'm battling evil computer gremlins right now. Do not fear though, as I shall be triumphant. As for the rest of my life, things are going better. I'm stalled again, but it's giving me time to get my act together at work. Also I'm trying to be careful and not think that I've only lost 42 pounds in 5 weeks because I lost 42 lbs in 5 weeks! Yes, I am breaking out the Hammer moves!   I'm finally back to full 8 hour shifts (thank god) and my naps are getting shorter and shorter. I am getting somewhat tired of my family always trying to figure out how I feel about everything, though. They seem to expect me to be stressed or having all sorts of problems and don't believe me when I say that I'm fine. My dad had this surgery and went through crazy emotions after he started to lose weight and it's like they expect me to be going through the same thing. It's kinda frustrating, honestly. I about lost it when they kept saying how "they knew that I had to be going through a lot, because they had been there with my dad, and I just didn't realize that I was going through it.". If I wasn't pissed before THAT little bit of patronizing family trivia then I definitely wanted to make short, pithy statements that would have made a sailor blush! They keep telling me I was withdrawn and not telling them everything and I kept telling them that I was in agonizing pain for 4 weeks after surgery (I had major suture complications so it felt like my side was being ripped apart every time I breathed) and wasn't chatty because I was in pain. *rolls eyes*. Nothing is more annoying than having people tell you how you should be feeling and then patting you on the head when you say that no, you don't feel like that at all. Hence why I wasn't calling them and thus started the vicious cycle. I've never been very communicative when not feeling well and I would think that after 29 years they would know that.   Alas life is pretty good, though. My ego and self-confidence is increasing and I'm even thinking about hitting on the cute guy at work. This weekend I'm going shopping with my BFF because out of all my clothes I have about 3 things that fit. Also, I've never been happier that I need a new, smaller bra! Oh the inhumanity!! *grin*
Lyra

Lyra

0
 

Cannibalism And Spandex

Ahhh, exercise! Those wacky movements that cause our muscles to ache and for a voice deep down to scream "Take that!" to the world at large who says that big people are just lazy. So I work in what is (not) affectionately known as "The Batcave" or "The Fortress of Solitude". Basically it's a very, very small windowless room next to a giant convection oven that is sweltering even in the depths of winter. So while I am far, far away from being nature girl (I hate bugs, being dirty, trees, and those bushes that always cling to your legs and are currently spludging pollen like it's an Olympic sport) a friend and I decided to picnic and hike at Umstead State Park. So off we hike (amble) on a nice 2 mile trail. Yet a good gossip later we found ourselves having taken a switchback and somehow jumped trails to the 7 MILE LONG ONE! Now this Plumptious Lady is good for about 3-4 mile up and down trail hiking but not for any more than that! So we continued walking and stumbled across this dude jogging. We asked him but he had no clue how to help us, which was okay because he was shirtless and hot and I enjoyed the eye candy. We then wandered across this couple who were dressed as "serious hikers" and while she tried to help us he was a total jerk and kept on walking. Also, I would like to take this time for an aside comment, "Hey, fella, karma's a b**ch and I hope you enjoyed your hike while knowing that two bodacious babes were more lost than Hansel and Gretel. May a good Samaritan be scarce when you need one".   All we wanted to know was where an intersecting trail was to take us the fastest route back to the cars so my friend could get to work on time. So, basically when I decided that it was going to have to be cannibalism and my friend would have to take one for the team we found a superhero dressed in black workout spandex! (She also goes by 'Carmen' in her day-to-day life) This wonderful lady walked us to her car and gave us a lift back to our cars. Thanks, Superhero Carmen! My friend will never know how close she came to being lunch meat...   Well, now I'm back home with my legs wrapped and elevated (stupid surgery scars) and my feet singin' the blues. Yet deep, deep inside is this skinny person standing on top of a rock (like in that credit card commercial) with her hands up Richard Nixon-style screaming, "Ha! I did it, I kicked hiking left butt cheek! Mwahaha! The world is my oyster and all I need is a lemon slice!" I couldn't have done this multi-mile hike a few months ago and it's nice to see that the jogging and weight lifting has paid off even pre-surgery!   I think, however, that next time I want to experience some of the 'great outdoors' I'll just go walk around one of those open air malls. They have restaurants as I really don't think that my friends would taste good without either tabasco or A1. And who carries condiments on a day-hike....? *grin*     (I had to re-type this from memory. Apparently the "Add Entry" button doesn't add the entry to your blog, but deletes what you have written and opens a new blank entry page. Awesome. Not.)
Lyra

Lyra

3

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