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About this blog

Taking each day in stride.

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Depression Issues

In addition to being obese I suffer from very, very severe depression. It's embarassing and shameful. I'm having a few very difficult days where nothing seems to be working out for me. I can't eat food without feeling sick and I get that feeling as if the food is stuck in my chest and won't move. I got that feeling for the first time yesterday morning after eating a bit of an egg and it was terrifying. I was at a wedding and chose to eat some soft food, even though I'm not finished with the liquid diet yet, and that was a miserable mistake. I just felt sick and ill. Being depressed on top of struggling with this surgery is miserable. There is nothing positive about life right now. I am very upset and currently regret my decision to have this surgery.   I am not losing weight like I should be. I don't even make an effort to get in protein because any kind of food, liquid, etc. makes me ill. I didn't have this problem a week ago and now it's just making me miserable.   I am sure that I'm dehydrated and lacking in Vitamin B12, which can't be helping my situation. I need to get in the protein without wanting to vomit (which I'm scared to death of, BTW... vomiting. I'm scared I will tear a hole in my stomach or something, or there will be blood in the bile, etc.).   I suppose I'm very sad because of my depression and the surgery complications just aren't helping anything. I need something about my health to go right.
Sarah S

Sarah S

0
 

Day 13

This is getting easier every day, but I still can't decide if that is a good thing. Sitting with my coworker at In-n-Out eating yogurt while he eats a gorgeous double double just kills me. I look forward to the "mushies" stage, which is next. I've been eating yogurt, apple sauce, and baby food but plan on introducing more soup and mashed potatoes in a day or so. I really want something solid in my stomach. But I know that my stitches/sutures are healing and I am definitely not willing to compromise in that regard. But goodness, I can't wait for a month to go by so I can eat a darn taco! Or at least taco meat, cheese, and lettuce!   Someone on here said that "mushies" can include beans and mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes sound SO GOOD right now. The cream of broccoli soup is satisfying but just is not enough. I'm also not doing great with the protein. I'm getting my liquids in via tea and water but that's about it. I don't quite understand the extreme need for protein. Maybe it just helps with these hunger pangs.   I wonder how people do with jamba juice, robeks, juice-it-up, etc? I would love to have one of their "lite" smoothies. I think the fruit might be too much sugar. At least it's natural sugar rather than processed crap.   Occassionally my side hurts, near my far right suture, but it's a fleeting feeling. I know the muscle under there is still healing so I need to be careful. I'm still worried about a hernia.   In news other than food/surgery, my friends are wildly successful in their respective far away places and I'm anxiously awaiting news from my graduate school of choice. I should be getting a yes or no for my masters program any day now, and the anxiety is just killing me! If I don't get in I will feel like an absolute failure.   I think I'm down approximately 15 lbs. Probably more now because I weighed myself yesterday. That's a nice feeling, but I can't wait to exercise and wear smaller clothing. When I start to exercise I will feel better overall, I think.   My Mom is super supportive, which is great. She sees this as an investment... an investment in everything, I suppose.   OH I'm having major issues with my period! I've been on it for over a week now and it should continue through this week (according to my pill box). I'm used to my period being expected and predictable but it came on suddenly and just won't stop. This happened to me when I started the pill years ago and my period lasted for A MONTH. Can you believe that!? I hope that doesn't happen again!
Sarah S

Sarah S

2
 

brief entry from the 10 freeway

I am driving home with my mother after going to AZ (I am from CA) for the Lady Gaga concert. I have seen her twice now and she is PHENOMENAL. I had surgery 10 days ago. I was standing on the ground floor and spent the entire concert with my arms wrapped around my tummy out of fear of getting shoved in the stomach, which happened once. I had a great time. Watching everyone drink and eat was very difficult. It would have been nice to have a beer or margarita.   I packed yogurt, baby food, and apple sauce in a cooler and that was my food all weekend.   We stopped at a subway in a truck stop and I got some soup. I teared up watching them build sandwiches. I can't wait for two more weeks to go by.
Sarah S

Sarah S

0
 

First day of blogging, Day 9 post-op

I'm not sure if anyone will read this, but I don't really care- I need a place to write down and journal my everyday experiences as a new, and ultimately permanent, VSG patient.   Day 9 is better. I have felt like myself since about day 5. I've been going to work since Monday, 4 days after surgery. I think this was a smart idea because it keeps me busy and I don't have time to sit around and think about my decision. I have found myself questioning the significance of having this surgery. It is PERMANENT and that is terrifying to me. I can't go back to my old lifestyle. I think and dream about all of my favorite foods that I ultimately cannot fully enjoy anymore. I told my friend the other day that I enjoy eating food and that I enjoy eating A LOT of food. It makes me happy. Unfortunately, I don't have this safety net anymore. I decided somewhere in my mind that being skinny and healthy was more important than enjoying large amounts of food. I am currently having this debate in my head, even though my decision is permanent and I can never go back to eating large quantities ever again. I'm excited about the prospect of eating real food again in a few weeks. I already know the first thing I'm going to have and drool just thinking about it.   I feel silly, walking around with only a piece of my stomach left. Like I made some kind of material, superficial decision and abused my body for ridiculous reasons. Could I have lost all the weight on my own? Probably. Would the process have been long, defeating, excruciating, and depressing? Probably. Would I have gained the weight back? Yes, probably, especially since I like food.   And now I'm sad because I want to eat something, but can't.   At least I can express myself on here. So far I'm not happy with my decision. I pray for my sanity that these feelings change.
Sarah S

Sarah S

6
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