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Going About It The Wrong Way

Okay, so this is my problem. I was on the right course to losing weight and about a year I lost my motivation due to a very bad break up which left me in a state of depression for many months. Afterwards I started school while working which left me no time to go back to the gym. While I haven't gained any of the weight back, I'm determined that I would like to lose about another 39 more lbs. Currently, I weigh about 220. I actually like the way I look. I'm pretty chunky which has given me a whole new confidence boost and way more attention from men then what I was used to. But, I decided that I want to weigh less because I cannot for the life of me ever remember being under that 200 lb mark. Life is definitely better for me now than it was many years ago.   Here's the thing: While my eating habits have completely changed since the surgery, and since joining the gym, I CANNOT lose the weight. My usual calories burned at the gym ranges between 500-600. And since noticing no weight loss, I have upped my calories burned to about 750. My question is: Am I am eating enough? With the amount of calories I'm eating, how do I know if i'm eating enough or just simply doing something wrong?   Example:   Breakfast: 1 egg with cheddar cheese   Lunch Tuna fish sandwich on whole wheat   Dinner: Caesar salad with croutons, caesar dressing, bacon bits (not a lot) and once in a while with chicken   Snacks (not every day) Smart foods White Cheddar Popcorn Honey BBQ chips (I never finish the whole bag in one round)   What can I do to confuse my body. It's been 3 weeks but clearly I should've seen a difference.   If anyone has any input I'd greatly appreciate it. Shold i go back to 3 shakes a day and a salad?   Sigh, wishing I knew....

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

Is it just me?

In about 2 weeks I'll be marking my 6th month surgiversary and have lost about 85 pounds altogether. Not totally what I would have liked, but I am definitely not complaining. I just recently bought some jeans at a size 20... something I can say I never was. I skipped that size on the way up in weight. And it feels good to know that I'll never be a 26/28 again. My arms have gotten smaller. Definitely not as flabby as they used to be. But I have noticed the elasticity of my skin in the legs area. My legs, while they have become toned, are hanging with the excess skin that I have. I'm kinda hoping that with the additional weight loss that they'll go down a good bit. I feel better about myself and when I look at old pictures of me, I can't believe just how fat my face was or how huge my legs were. I feel disgusted at everything that makes me, well me. And my hair has been falling out. At first, I attributed my hair loss to some pills I had been taking only to realize that it's the surgery. But now I find myself obsessing about my hair a little bit more each day because it's gotten to the point where I've begun seeing my scalp. Seriously, at what point do i say it's not just the surgery anymore? And at what point will the doctors stop using it as an excuse? I've lost so much hair, that my long curly hair, hardly gets knotted up. I'm scared to wash it, scared to brush, scared to dye it and switch it up. I've started taking all the hair and nail vitamins which seems to be working on my legs and underarms but not the top of my head. I'm feeling hopeless... It's so crazy how weight loss can just intertwine feelings of good and bad. One minute, I can love myself and just feel on top of the world and the next, I'm still feeling how I did when I was at my heaviest.. like I hate myself and the world. My hormones have been so crazy these past few months that I don't know how to act and react to my surroundings. I get into these terrible mood swings and I say and do stuff that isn't me. The worst thing about it is that I don't care about what I've done 'til days later. That's when the remorse starts to kick in. It's crazy. I am definitely not the same person I was when I began this journey. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll become a better person. I'm having a terrible time adjusting. If anyone can give me some insight, I would really appreciate it. I need to regain control and some level of normalcy.

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

Honey, I've shrunk...

So... while the weight isn't coming off the way I'd like, something I've already accepted, the inches are. Something noticeably different I've been feeling? My bones. They seem to be protruding more, and lord, if it don't hurt while I lay down in bed. It feels like I'm constantly getting poked; and I'm having more trouble sleeping on my belly because I'm feeling my ribs more and more. What a difference when I had the cushioning to help me fall asleep. Along with my weight, I had a matching set of buttocks to go with it. I'm not gonna lie. My butt is huge... enough to make it it the "butt" of many jokes. hehe. But, now that I'm losing the inches, I'm happy to report that I'm begining to lose my butt. And the difference has become very noticeable in that it hurts to be seated for long periods of time. At the moment, I can only manage to sit for about an hour or so before I begin to feel the aches and pains. Then I'll reposition myself until I can't stand it anymore. I end up having to get up just to give my butt some relief. I have to say, when I was heavier that certainly never happened. And my jelly rolls are getting smaller (yay!). The last thing I want to do is put myself on the spot but this is my therapy.. i.e: F*@# it! Now, one knows that when you're already heavy and a heavyweight on top, that we'll all tend to have the "breast extender." You know, the roll of excess that follows AFTER the breast and extends to underneath the armpits. Ugh, right? Well, I've lost enough of my breast extender to the point that my bra now slides out of place. And I now have pockets in my bra cups to realize that it's time for a change. It is time to go shopping for..(drum roll , please) A NEW, SMALLER BRA! Now, I'm not really sure if I should be bragging about my breasts getting smaller. Most women talk about having big ones, but when you've had 'em all your life, I'm ready to say good-bye. Just leave me with a lil suttin suttin and I'll be good... (Making lemonade with oranges, heh) Well, that's it for now. I know I've said a lil too much in this entry but that's fine by me. Hope this made somebody laugh

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

I'm good...

Well, currently my weight is 275. At first I wasn't happy, what with the slow progress I've had to endure, but then, I realized I'm not the same person. My clothes don't fit right anymore; and it's crazy because they were close to snug before and now they're just big. I bypassed the "just right" phase. I'm still refusing to buy new clothes as of yet because I can't seem to see myself wasting money on clothes I won't be able to wear for long. The one thing that has worked well for me is my body shape. I may weigh 275 but I don't look it. I look about 240 which is quite all right with me. I'm waiting to lose at least another 30-40 pounds which might be by the upcoming springtime. That would be perfect because then I'll be able to buy cheap summer clothes. I've finally accepted that my weight loss isn't going to be quick n easy as I had always assumed. It seems that my body's going to fight me all the way. And who can blame it, right? It's been so used to lugging all the extra heavy weight for soooo many years. But, I have noticed a trend in my weight loss. I'll stalll for like a month and then BAM! I'll lose ten pounds then stall again and here we go losing again. Knowing how my body's choosing to lose the weight is not what I would have chosen for myself but I can accept it. I haven't been this weight since I was in my early 20s. I'm feeling good about myself. The exercise in the gym and the weight loss combined have made it easy for me to even be able to walk fast without getting all out of breath. I used to walk so slow and now my boyfriend can't even keep up with me. This is a whole new feeling for me and I'm loving the fact that I'm able to enjoy it. It feels like a whole new natural high.   But it's a challenge, also. Don't get me wrong. There have been times that I've cried just because I wasn't able to eat everything that was on my dinner plate. There were times when I was craving a certain food and not to be able to even finish half of it has brought to my knees a times. It's been a real struggle adjusting to the fact that food cannot control my life as it used to. Hell, I'm still struggling and it's not something that I think will ever completely go away but I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm healthier, weigh less and what could've been high blood pressure is no more. I'm turning my life around around and even though it's a slow process I can see the finish line.    

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

(Sigh)...

So another month has gone by and I'm still at 284 pounds. I get the results of my blood tests next week. At this point, I'm kinds hoping that they'll find somnething with my thyroid or that I do have PCOS. It's frustrating and a lil bit scary the moods that I get into. I go from being happy to sad to angry to just wantin to give up on myself and the whole world. And I'm beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, all the emotions I'm feeling have to do with more than just having gotten this operation. It's not easy. My boyfriend and I have been arguing and disagreeing more often. The only thing I've kept a tight hold on is going to the gym. All together, I usually do like 45 minutes of the elliptical and then 30-40 minutes weight training. At the end of each workout, I feel good about myself. As if I'm accomplishing something big, which I am.

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

Must be cause I've been drinkin

It must be 'cause I've been drinkin but I'm feelin so disgusted with myself. Do you know that I've busted my ass, literally, this week, n I haven't ost a freakin pound. I'm to the point that I'm freakin disgusted with myself.. I'm beginning to feel hateful n jealous of those that seem to be losing weight like nothing. Yeah, I know it's wrong and I'm truly wishing you the best to all that are accomplishing their mission), but I'm feeling stuck. For the past twp weeks I've been exercising my ASS off, literally. And I don't know why but I'm not losing any weight whatsoever. What's left for me to do? I just don't know anymore. I'm beginning to feel like perhaps I've wasted my time on this whole operation. Of course I'm hating on those who're doing so good. I wan to be where they are. I'm so frustrated right now. Well, on the good side is that I went to my doctor n explained it to her, She's begun testing ...me on my thyroid to see if anything's up. Will let u know.

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

Kickin it up a notch

I had a doctor's appt on October 18. According to their scales, I managed to lose about 16 pounds since my last appt on Sept.13. I should be ecstatic to see that I am losing weight but I'm not. I can only say that I think my expectations are too high or that my body just isn't willing to part with the fat. Or maybe I'm just not doing something right. I have noticed a trend with me and that's that I've taken to being a complainer and a worry wort. I seem to never be satisfied with myself and I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I'm pushing myself. I've been going to the gym almost everyday and I work out for an hour and a half each time (includes strength training). I wake up so early to be able to go the gym that by the end of the day, I'm more than drained and exhausted. I'm starting to get bags under my eyes and can barely go up a flight of stairs. And I can't let up because I'm so afraid I'll give up and I have never felt as motivated as I do now. I'm trying to find my way in being able to adjust my schedule so I can get things done and be able to rest and relax. but it seems to me that this schedule is the one that works for me even though it is exhausting.   On the plus side, I've noticed that my body isn't looking so bulky. My "boobies" have started to slowly disappear and I'm finding that my bra isn't fitting right anymore. My sister even had the gall to stuff her hand in my bra through my shirt because she felt the need to show me just how much of a gap I had. Apparently, my bra sticks out to the point that she can see the lining through my shirt. Grreeeaattt*t!.... And my huge dome of an ass went from a fat filled, pork rind, jelly stuffed, behemoth to an almost flabby, gelatin like distorted picture (think Picasso's portrait of all the distorted clocks that look like as if they're melting). It's gotten to the point that my ass will actually start hurtin if I sit down too long (as is the case now since I'm sitting wrtiing this entry). *sigh* No more cushion for the pushin, I guess. Ah well, my boyfriend's gonna have to worry about that more than me.   The one place I don't seem to be getting any kind of good feedback are my arms. Lawd, they are looking so nasty. I've taken to calling them my batwings because while they have gotten slightly thinner, the backs of my upper arms droop like a bag of molasses. Disgusting. I never did like my arms... betcha if I flap my arms I'll end up flying around the room like Dumbo. Ugh. I'm attempting to do more arm exercises but I already know that once I've reached my goal weight, I'll still end up needing surgery to fix them babies.   Well, this has been my latest update. In another couple of months, I'll be posting some after pics. Then you'll see what I mean...

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

The Rebirth

It's a long time coming but I've begun the process of reinventing myself. I went out and bought hair dye, am FINALLY going to the gym tomorrow (I'm going to have to be carried home), APPLIED to go back to school in January for my bachelor's degree (WOOHOO!) and am looking for a job already. I've also decided to get another tattoo and what better way to symbolize a rebirth of myself than to get a tattoo of a phoenix. I'm excited and my goal here is not to only feel and look better about myself in a healthy, positive way but to really enjoy life. A huge part of being happy is accepting myself now and loving myself even though I'm changing for the better. I'm working hard on changing my whole mindset and not just because of the whole weight issue but for me. I deserve to have purpose in my life, to feel secure, accomplished, confident. I want to begin believing in myself again. I'm going to conquer that person inside of me that loves to critique (or at least lock 'em within the deep recesses of my mind). The next stop for me is Halloween. I bought a Goddess' costume that I was too ashamed to wear last year because I would've been forced to show a part of my big, flabby arms. Now, I'm counting the days til I can go out and have fun. Go to the village and watch the parade while sneaking a few drinks hoping I don't get caught doing it. Ah, reminds me of when I was a 20-something girl. Those were the days... :biggrin0: If anyone has any suggestions on ways to reinvent myself, I would appreciate any feedback. Take care!

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

75% and getting stronger

A month has passed and I'm finally feeling better. I hardly have any real pain anymore. All I've been feeling lately is a tightness in the left part of my abdomen that's gone from severe to moderate. I'm hoping that I'll be good to go (with no help) within two weeks. And then off to the gym I go. I was actually able to really laugh (to the point of tears) today for the first time in a month with no pain. I'm actually feeling excited and am looking forward to the road ahead. I took a picture of myself today and my face looked slimmer than I've ever seen it look. Those wannabe chipmunk cheeks are disappearing so now all I see are the two headlights for eyes that I have just protruding from my face. Ah well, que sera sera. It's so funny, too, because I've been reading the posts about how the breasts begin to deflate once the weight starts going down and I can't help but notice my own and ... laugh. A couple of days ago, I marched in the living room to ask my boyfriend if he noticed any changes on me and the first thing he does is walk up to me, grab my breasts, gives me an amused look and tell me that my breasts are soft. :001_wub: Now mind you, he didn't mean soft as in a baby's tush. He meant I've lost the wholesome goodness and it's time for me to go to the gym and start lifting weights if I wanna try and salvage the pair I have right now. I let him laugh it up but revenge will be mines! :thumbup1: To all those awaiting surgery, good luck to all of you!!

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

About to blow a gasket (RANT)

That's it. I'm so mad I could just scream! I had my surgery on August 17, almost a month ago and I can still barely walk. There are some days when I begin to feel good that I start doing things around the house. All this just to end up going to bed crying or waking up in the morning in such pain that I end up laying on my sofa all day. I'm getting infuriated with this already. I knew it was going to take some time but this is getting ridiculous. I want out of this house! I'm tired of being home. I want to go back out there and find a job already. It's upsetting. If I would've had a job, I would've been fired by now. I'm forced to do things I know I can't really handle that involves bending over and lifting things, but I'm starting to feel like I'm alone here. If I ask for help, I get told I'm asking for too much. How the hell am I supposed to get better? I'm frustrated AND hurting...

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

Almost through

Today, I'm feeling pretty good. I woke up kinda dreading today because my boyfriend wanted to go to Targets. For those who've read my blog, I've been having trouble with the stitching in my abdomen area so I wasn't particularly in the mood to go shopping. But I sucked it up 'cause I can't stand being a hermit anymore. I drank like 5 ibuprofen's and went on my my way. I'm happy to report that even though i felt a lil pain, it was no where near enough for me to want to stop shopping. Any time I felt any beginnings of real pain I took a sip of my tylenol with codeine. I was doing great and I walked ALOT. After the shopping, we went to Buffalo Wild Wings to eat. We decided to share some boneless chicken which comes in different flavored marinades depending on what we wanted. I took a piece, ate it and gave the rest back. My stomach started acting up and I wasn't about to keep messing it up. I think the grease from the chicken didn't agree with me. So, I stayed with my fruit punch and watched my boyfriend eat all the food. That's one thing, though. My boyfriend has one of those endless, black hole stomachs. He can eat just about anything and only gets full once he sees the plate is empty. A couple of months before I had my operation, I had realized I was turning into him. Stuffing my mouth with all this food. Sometimes it would take me an hour or more to eat my dinner (that's how slow I was). And I didn't seem to mind because we usually watch a movie while we eat so I never really noticed how long it took me to finish a meal. My boyfriend was always the one to point out that I ate like a snail. Oh, well. At that point I decided to limit my food intake, eat earlier, and just a lil bit healthier. But prior to this, bout 6 months ago, I stopped frying everything and began baking everything. The flavor is basically the same so why not? So.. getting back on topic, I sipped on my fruit punch until it was time to go. By this time, I was exhausted and so sleepy. Since I barely go out, my body's adjusted to not doing anything and resting all day. I am so tired of that. I've never had my big ole butt hurt so much from just sitting. The sad thing is that I really do feel pain from just sitting. Ain't that something? Well, when we finally got home, I was in a lil pain, more tired than anything though. But, I felt good and still do. I laid down for half an hour and found myself getting up to unpack the bags of stuff we had bought. I got the laundry and garbage sorted out. Not much, but it's a good start for me. Tomorrow, I'm going shopping for groceries. I'm hoping this good feeling is going to last. I think I'm finally getting past the point of pain to where I can begin enjoying having had this operation. And it's beginning to feel good. I put on one of my shirts today. And you know what? My boyfriend actually told me that it was too big on me. What a way to make a girl smile, right? I was happier than a pig in sh-t. No pun intended. :thumbup1:

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

Losing the twin chins

Today hasn't been such a bad day. Even though I have pain in my abdomen, it's nothing compared to what the past few days have been like. The pain with the stitches has gone down some, but I've recently begun experiencing a different kind of pain now; and it's all in my belly button. It feels like my belly button is being stretched, pulled and yanked. And while it's not a constant pain, the suddenness of the pain feels like a stabbing motion. At times, it catches me so unawares that I'll end up screaming out loud. I took a look at it yesterday and it looks like it's beginning to separate where its healed which has me a little worried. I started putting neosporin on it in the hopes that it'll heal just a bit faster. But I'm especially pleased when I decided to look at myself in the mirror today and saw that my second chin is finally starting to disappear! It's become just a little thing. My face is definitely thinner, too. I've also weighed myself and it's in the 290s. Can't wait to see it in the 280s and hopefully soon. :001_wub: The one thing that I have noticed is my lack of interest in food. I barely think about eating real food (except when I see a commercial or two on tv). I mean my doctor has put me on mushies already and after all the complaining I've done about being hungry before and after the surgery, I can't bring myself to even wanting a baked potato. I drink all day long and I've eaten string cheese and soup (only because my mother made it). I can't seem to find my appetite. Wonder how long that'll take to find. :thumbup1: Ah well, I'm not going to worry about anything until I have to. Now, I'm off to watch my tv marathon of two and a half men. Have a good day.

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

WooHoo! Score 1 for the weight loss team!

Yay me! I went to my post-op appt today and they weighed me before my actual meet with the doctor. I officially now weigh 300.3 lbs. I've lost 16 lbs in 2 weeks! I'm ecstatic! I knew I had lost weight but I hadn't expected it to be so much. But... I am nearing the third week and if I'm not mistaken that's when the stall begins. But, it's okay. I've lost more in this month than I would've ever dared to dream. I've been so preoccupied about the slow rate of healing I apparently thought was happening that when I went to the clinic I was met with surprise. One of the same women whom I had shared a hospital room with had come to her appt and was being pushed around in a wheelchair. Damn. And I thought I had it bad. I finally met with the doctor who told me that there's nothing I can do about my stitching problem unless, somewhere down the line, I elect to have minor surgery to fix my stitching. 'Perhaps in 2 years when I come back for the plastic surgery' is what she said like I'm really about to go through this pain for two years. Besides, after experiencing this pain, I'm kinda thinking about not getting that surgery. I'm still not entirely convinced it's really worth it. And, as soon as I can, I plan on going to the gym and becoming ms.musclegirl. I'm going to throw myself into it. Anyway, she prescribed me more tylenol codeine (thank god) and told me I can begin my mushies on Sunday. I'm already planning on having a baked potato that day. :drool5: I was given another appt for next month. Let's see how much I can manage to lose by then. Of course, the bit of walking I did to get there made me feel a slightly better than I've felt in a longtime. So, needless to say, I took advantage only to have it bite me in the butt even before I got home. When I got to my neighborhood, I got my prescription, then went to the supermarket. By the time we left the supermarket I was dying from the pain. All I could feel was the pain just hitting my abdomen. By the time I had crossed the street, I was walking crooked, breathing hard and about ready to faint. My poor boyfriend :001_wub: couldn't do much and didn't know what was going on. He had been carrying like 6 bags of grocery so it was pretty hard for him to hold my hand. He ended up leaving the bags halfway down the block (I had told him to go ahead) to come get me. First thing he did was give me water followed by a big gulp of the tylenol codeine. Phew! It started to work almost immediately and soon I was feeling drunk. But, thanks to his quick thinking, we got home in one piece AND without me kissing the sidewalk. Never again. But I'm happy today and as much as I've bitched and moaned and cried tears of frustration, I certainly wouldn't change a thing. :thumbup1:

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

Post-Op Appt.. Again

Last week, my sister's car died on us just as she was about to take me to the clinic for my follow up. I ended up having to reschedule for tomorrow, Sept.1 @ 10am. I've opted on taking public trransportation over there because I don't want to ask my sister for another ride even though I'm almost sure she'd have no problem. But still, I've resolved to doing most things by myself simply because I want to get better. But, of course, there's this persistent stomach problem I have with my stitches; and instead of focusing on it, I'm going to work around it. I do plan on asking the doctors if anything can be done about it. A question I most likely know the answer to anyway. I've noticed for the past few days that my abdomen has become hard. It doesn't really sink in when I poke it or anything but I feel it pulling on my stitches even when I'm laying down. I guess I have to drink more water or something, but I am going to point it out to the doctors. It could also mean that I'm just bloated due to my "Aunt" coming for a visit. But I'm prertty sure it's nothing big. I weighed myself today and was pretty surprised that with swollen tummy and all, how much weight I've lost. Well, it's not like I've been eating alot. I usually do a protein shake in the morning and drink liquids in the afternoon and then nothing in the evening. Not healthy, I know, but I've lost my appetite lately. I feel at times like I'm full just from the liquids alone. Anyhow, I'm not going to post my weight until I weigh myself at the clinic. I don't trust my scale at all. It gives me so many different numbers that I'm reluctant to believe anything I see. But I will post my weight tomorrow. I'm just hoping that it's closer to what my scale's been showing. On a good note, I've started working on my arms with a heavy resistance band I had bought prior to the operation. They're pretty toned but one wouldn't be able to notice because my arms are still fat. And those morning protein shakes are doing wonders, too. My legs are not as big as before. They're not as fatty as they use to be. They're actually a lil bit thinner and look better than they have in years. The results are beginning to show. So, while I wait for my abdomen to heal, I'll continue working with the band until I'm able to ride my bike again. Adios til tomorrow!:huh0:

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

Grrrr..

I went out today; first time in a long time. I put on the baggiest clothes I have, rolled my pants under my belly and walked. It took me almost an hour to go 2 blocks but I did. I bit my lower lip as my stitches threatened to burst, stopping on occasion to lean against a lamp post. And for all my effort, everything was going good. Right towards the end, my pain started to really kick up. At times I would feel like crying. My boyfriend, who was with me, was good... until the end when he insisted that I "just do it" and stop being a "baby." Aside from fighting the urge to tell him to "f--k off" I told him that this was my pain and I wasn't about to rush for him or for anybody else. I took my time, pain and all. I'm happy though I went out because since I came home, I've had only minimal pain. I feel better than I have in days. I plan on going out tomorrow again. See if I can get better. BF's being a pain in my arse.

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

What a bumpy road

So, I had my surgery on August 17 and it's been hard. The pain was bad and still is sometimes esp. at night. This is certaily not how I pictured this going down. Even though the pain has gone down considerably, that damn stitch on my left side had been everything but good. It's so tight that I"m still having trouble walking much less even walking straight. I walk hunched over because the stitch begins to hurt almost immediately. My left side is still sunken in and I'm begining to think that's how it's going to stay. I've become good friends with my painkillers because of this. I had my follow-up appt this week. After showering, getting dressed (with help of course) I finally made it to my sister's car only for her to tell me that the car's battery had died while waiting for me. Suffice to say, I unstuffed myself from her car, grabbed a hold of my boyfriend and went back upstairs. I would've died if I would've taken public transportation. I had to rescedule my appt for this coming Wednesday. I hope they can tell me something about this stitch problem and my sunken belly. I'm beginning to think that maybe there is something wrong with me. Before the operation, I was already planning amd researching everything from how I would eat to all the types of exercise I would do. My goal is to lose those first hundred pounds in a year's time. Most likely I'm pushing myself; it's only been a week and a half. But when I left the hospital, all the other ladies were already walking just fine.. even using the bathroom with no problems. It's like I'm a slow starter which is frustrating because I want so bad to get on track already. I want to be able to post any changes I've had so far. Lets be honest... I'd like to be one of those people who says they lost 20lbs in the first month. I'm still swollen and then to top it all off, my "friend's" about to come down for a visit, so add bloated to that list. Ugh! I'm frustrated and hurting. :huh0:

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

I knew it'd hurt but...

It's been 4 days since my surgery and I could swear it's been 2 weeks. In my case, though, it's been 2 weeks of pure torture. I've had it so bad that I knowingly forgot the reason I had decided to do it. I can't tell you all how many times I cried into the crook of my boyfriend's neck saying that I shouldn't have done it. Where do i start? To begin with, my first day at the hospital went as good as could've been expected. I came in around 9:30am, registered and sat in the waiting room to be called so I could get prepped. Once I was called, they had me change, took my vitals and walked me on over to the surgery's waiting room floor. I waited there, on a stretcher, for about 45 minutes before the anesthesiologist came to get me. Once I walked in the operating room, they had me get on the operating table, get comfortable and then proceeded to work my hand looking for that perfect IV spot. It took the technician 2 failed tries before he decided to ask the anesthesiologist for help. Newbies! At least I hope he was... I could feel another person prepping my legs with those air casts. Once everything seemed to settle in, the anesthesiologist began the "Small talk" (designed to take away from the real purpose and that's that he's putting you to sleep) Since I already knew what he was doing, I went with the flow and before I knew it, I was being wheeled into the recovery room. Wow! But then it hit me. A thousand knivesof pure fire piercing right into my abdomen. Needless to say, I was pumped full of morphine which decreased the intensity of the pain but I certainly didn't forget it was there. When the doctor finally came aorund to my bedside in the recovery room, he had explained to me that he had found the beginnings of a hernia near my belly button and repaired it as well as the operation having been a success. That night, I stayed in the ICU ward as is customary with all new VSG patients. Only a few hours out of surgery and I was already being asked to walk. Wtf?! Damn, they don't wait. I proved my walking skills at 4 am when I was told I had to walk if I wanted to get back in my bed to sleep. At that time, they had let me rest a bit before putting me on a recliner. So.. I walked myself to sleep. The next few days turned into a constant whirl fo emotions. For 3 straight days, my stomach rumbled for lack of food. The broths and liquids they served were cold and disgusting. Nothing worth even mentioning. But the pain in my stomach wasn't leaving. They stitched my abdomen too tight (in my opinion) because when I get up and walk my abdomen doesn't "hang" the way it should, only my right side does. My left side looks sunken in and any "excess" that should've just fell into place, doesn't. Instead, it hangs over the stitched area like a water balloon. And that is where all my pain is. I told the nurses and doctors about this but they keep telling me it's nothing. My instincts tell me different. I was discharged yesterday and I can still barely walk. When I do walk, which is only to the bathroom, I always have to hold my left side in. And suffice to say, I still can't clean myself. My doting beautiful boyfriend took over my bathroom duties for now and has been taking care of my every need. I'm keepng myself medicated so I won't feel much pain. My first appt is this coming Wednesday and I am absolutely terrified of going simply because it means I have to walk. My boyfriend asked me to wait until then to see what happens. He says I did technically have 2 operations in one and my body is swollen for the most part. Since I can't really disagree with him, I have no choice but to wait. Only good thing to being home, other than my boyfriend, is that the food choices are not so limited and I can actually have some hot broth. Mmmm. Nothing compares to a nice hot bowl of liquid esp. when your boyfriend is eating steak. :huh0: (Sigh)

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

So close yet so far away

:lol0: Woohoo! 5 days away. I'm so excited. I'm not even scared. The only thing I'm NOT looking forward to is that cold operating room. It's so cold in there, it could be used as a meat freezer. I've already started to think about the things I'm going to be needing for my hospital stay. I don't want to take alot with me but I also don't want to underestimate what I might possibly need. Something always gets left behind... Til next time! :thumbup:

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

2 days away!

I'm getting really excited. My day is coming up on Tuesday. I'm so anxious it seems to be taking forever! I already took my before pics but, as much as I meant to be them online, I just can't. I was soooo disgusted with the way I look that I can't bring myself to post them. I took them wearing a tank top (which I never wear!) and a pair of spandex shorts (only for working out) with the intention of being able to show everyone just exactly how I look. But, I can't even bring myself to look at those pictures again. At least, not for now. It made me feel atrocious. :lol0: I made sure to take all my body measurements from my neck all the way down to my ankles. I plan on remeasuring myself again in about 3 months. I figure it'll be a great way of knowing just how much my body is changing and improving. So, until then, the next time I'll be writing will be on th day of surgery. Bye! :thumbup:

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

What was I thinking?!

So, here it is. I must've been insane on Sunday when I decided to go with my boyfriend to Lake Welch. One week left of having to endure this diet and my butt decides to go to out to a park where everyone is grilling meat from the moment they get there (at 8AM!) What. was. I. thinking. This diet has made me lose my marbles. I'm done for. All I could do was sit there and not only smell, but see all this food being grilled and eaten. Ketchup on burgers, bbq on chicken... I was droolin the entire time. I finally had to get up, get my stuff and go to the beach so I wouldn't be tempted to knock somebody upside the head and steal their burger. The worst part is I had to stay there ALL DAY until his family was ready to leave (almost 7pm!). Needless to say, I've banned myself from any outings until I can actually eat something no matter how small it is. I think the lack of food has depleted my brain cells or something. I'm not thinking right anymore. But on a positive note, I saw the anesthesiologist on Monday and I'm good to go. :thumbup: My surgery is going to be on August 17 @ 10am. I went food shopping today and bought everything I need for the post-op. All that's left for me to do is keep waiting. (sighs) Yay me :lol0:!

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

Officially starting to lose it

Okay, I must be doing something wrong with this pre-op diet. Something happened between Day 1 and now that I must've totally skipped because I broke down crying at the most stupidest thing... I didn't have onions for my salad. So, I yelled at the air as my boyfriend looked on in amazement at the show I was putting on. And then, I proceeded to cry. Took me a few seconds to calm down and realize that I was the one who had chosen this and that I sure as hell wasn't going to die for lack of an onion. Now, to tell my boyfriend the same thing. I had to call my nutrionist and it turns out I need more protein in my diet (at least 3 shakes a day since it helps to stave off the hunger). I'm still determined to see this thru but I'm hoping that lil episode was the first and last one? Can someone give me any insight? :thumbup:

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

The Horror!

So.. I'm on my third day of this liquid diet and not only am I starting to feel the hunger within but I've also had the misfortune of having to run to the bathroom a million times (not to be gross). I'm guessin this is my own version of a colon cleanser. Not good. But, I am counting down the days already.... waiting... waiting... and still waiting. Can't wait!

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

 

Intro

Hey, my name is Moraima. I'm due to go in for surgery on August 17th and I've already started my pre-op diet. I found this site while I was doing my research on the surgery. I'm not really scared of getting the operation as I am about the adjustment period afterwards. But, I'm glad I found this site. It helps me know that I'm not alone in this experience.

Butrcupz622

Butrcupz622

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