aknaturelvr's Blog

Fighting A Battle Within Myself

The first step toward change begins with me. I took mine two weeks ago when I met with my doctor to discuss bariatric surgery options. She was encouraging and asked me to call the surgeon. I did and got an appointment for the next day. I met with the surgeon, got more encouragement, a lot of information and told I should hear something within 3-4 weeks. The first week of waiting went well. The second... not so well. The inside of my head is pretty crowded right now.This has been a tough but typical week. Whenever I reach up to climb out of the hole I have dug for myself (looks a lot like a grave, come to think of it) something always manages to grab hold and pull me back. It's as if there are other people inhabiting me. They have been with me for much of my life and they are not shy. I find them as attention hogs; arrogant, controlling, negative. (Funny how similar they are to my mother, not that I want to blame her). Sabotage, Anxiety and Doubt...that's their names. They tend to wait until I'm alone to do their work. They are cunning and determined. I believe in standing in my truth and being accountable for my actions. I know I am strong enough to follow the requirements for success. Why am I vulnerable to these three? Constant good intentions that are forgotten in an instant and replaced with thoughts as if I am choosing my last meal in the next minute. I find this battle accelerates within me the more I think of what's ahead. I am concerned about complications and disappointment both with myself and with others. I'm tired and I've lived without hope for awhile. I pray both Sabotage and Doubt will shut up and leave me alone. I know I can do this. I embrace the idea of having support and guidance to walk the path with me. Dammit. Anxiety must have decided to come visit me as well, eh?

aknaturelvr

September 16, 2012

Waiting For Approval

Four years ago I was recommended for gastric bypass surgery by the neurologist who reviewed my sleep study results as part of a full physical I was having. I will never forget how stunned I was to be told I needed this surgery and how poor my chances were if I didn't have this. I was stunned because I thought only extremely fat people had this done. I always saw myself as a large boned, well proportioned but generously built woman. Not what anyone would consider morbidly obese. Morbid is such a dreadful adjective, don't you think? Obese is bad enough, but morbidly so? With a BMI over 43, I see now I was in denial. Most of my life, I've heard I don't look my age and I sure don't look like I weigh as much as I do. I've been over 200 pounds since my mid 20s. There was a point in my 30s I was able to lose down to 180, but my beloved husband did not like the self confidence I was attaining.. bitchiness is what he called it at the time. By the time I was 37, I managed to lose 185 pounds... of husband.(It was my choice, not his). Within a year I met the man of every woman's dream and not only loved him, but I was deeply and unconditionally loved by him. We were together nearly 10 years before he was taken from me by colon cancer. It was the best 10 years of my life. My weight shot up to 283 during those final months with him in 1997. The past 15 years, my weight has stayed between 250 and 275. I've gone through a lot of trauma, I don't wish to discuss right now, but I do believe the low points caused some physical changes to my body's functioning. I'd always been able to lose weight by eating healthy and plenty of exercise. Then I began to notice changes... belly fat, flabby arms, a loss of strength in my muscles, Type II diabetes was diagnosed and I went on a very structured eating plan plus decided to move away from the big city toward a small town peaceful life style near my grandchildren. I did alright for the first year, then accepted a job offer that promised a good paycheck in return for my management expertise. Ha! The joke was on me. I inherited a dysfunctional staff in an office that was so far behind in work and meeting statutory requirements, as well as my own personal micromanaging, boss who had run the previous four predecessors of mine off due to his mean spirited ways. Within months I went from controlled diabetes and steady weight loss to having all my labs go off the charts. The stress has been relentless until this past year with the retirement of my old boss and my overhauling of my entire staff to a new, improved group of dedicated professionals who actually enjoy working as a team. Unfortunately, my health has declined into a black hole place, no amount of effort on my part has been able to reverse. Damage to my low back and knees has pretty much sidelined me this past year. All due to my morbid obesity. I've been dealing with a level of depression turned into hopelessness that has me emotionally more trapped than if I weighed much more than I do now. Last month Dr Oz re ran a show he'd had on gastric bypass effect for reversal of diabetes. I listened. and decided to finally face the reality of my circumstances. I am 60 years old. I've been living as though my life is already over and wasting precious time that can't be brought back. I can either be a victim of my own making or I can do something about this. I spoke to my doctor and got her blessing and encouragement to meet with my surgeon here in Juneau. I am in the waiting process and hopeful I will know something before the end of this month. In the meantime I am being proactive in learning everything I can, practicing how I will need to eat afterward and listening to the wonderful support network on this site.

aknaturelvr

September 10, 2012

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