Fighting A Battle Within Myself

The first step toward change begins with me. I took mine two weeks ago when I met with my doctor to discuss bariatric surgery options. She was encouraging and asked me to call the surgeon. I did and got an appointment for the next day. I met with the surgeon, got more encouragement, a lot of information and told I should hear something within 3-4 weeks. The first week of waiting went well. The second... not so well.

The inside of my head is pretty crowded right now.This has been a tough but typical week. Whenever I reach up to climb out of the hole I have dug for myself (looks a lot like a grave, come to think of it) something always manages to grab hold and pull me back. It's as if there are other people inhabiting me. They have been with me for much of my life and they are not shy. I find them as attention hogs; arrogant, controlling, negative. (Funny how similar they are to my mother, not that I want to blame her).

Sabotage, Anxiety and Doubt...that's their names. They tend to wait until I'm alone to do their work. They are cunning and determined.

I believe in standing in my truth and being accountable for my actions. I know I am strong enough to follow the requirements for success. Why am I vulnerable to these three? Constant good intentions that are forgotten in an instant and replaced with thoughts as if I am choosing my last meal in the next minute. I find this battle accelerates within me the more I think of what's ahead. I am concerned about complications and disappointment both with myself and with others. I'm tired and I've lived without hope for awhile.

I pray both Sabotage and Doubt will shut up and leave me alone. I know I can do this. I embrace the idea of having support and guidance to walk the path with me.

Dammit. Anxiety must have decided to come visit me as well, eh?