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a day by day journey

Entries in this blog

 

Pre-opping, scared or not to be scared?

Keeping my cool is not what I am or have been known for. Having Pcos, a difficult childhood and addictions to food, nicotine and caffiene are not excuses to behave badly, but they certainly do not help you stay on an even keel! I am sitting here getting ready to go to work for the day... the procrastinator in me is giving the rest of me a big fat I told you so talking to right now. You see I have not only managed to wait until I was 347lbs and 33 years old to decide that I want to be a mother, I have also waited until 3 weeks before surgery to quit smoking, give a liquid diet a try and just for kicks increase my workout routine! What kind of sadistic fool am I???   Work will be a nice distraction today, I care for Seniors in a continuing care facility. It is actually the only time I get away from my big brain thinking about everything too hard! I love the way caring for others makes me feel. Today as I down numer 2 of 3 protien based drinks I will have to face today, I am can't help but remind myself ...... why I am doing this. I will face the day and not smoke ( is it possible to not smoke while driving??? guess I will find out!) I will keep my cool because I am practicing a new me, one that cares about me and my future. I should just go ahead and apologize to all of you right now.... there will be a lot of blog entries in the next 3 weeks. With out Food and Cigarettes, My fingers will be looking for something to do.......
prettygirlhiding

prettygirlhiding

5
 

Coming out of the Lap Band Closet.......

So I was not sure how I was going to tell my family that I was going to have this amazing surgery to change my life. So we had a fantastic meal and while eating dessert my brother in law was talking about his last work trip to Toronto and I started asking him questions about the locale...... he asked why? you goin' there or sumthin?...... I blurted Yes I am!!!! I gently explained that I was going for lapband surgery and prepared for an enslaught of questions to commence!   I was so surprised! My Husbands family was so supportive. They have watched me for the last 10 years balloon from 230 lbs to 347lbs. They supported me when I decided to go to therapy 6 years ago to deal with abuse I went through as a child. They have always met with enthusiasm my ventures at weight loss over the years and never once said anything as I failed each time. My sister in law who has had a 20 lb weight struggle said it best..... you can't give up food right and this will help you change how food is in your life, How do you change a 30 year bad relationship with food? It's not easy.....   They had your standard questions about the logistics of it all, when, with whom are you going?, is it safe, how long will it take to recover. I was proud to say and relieved that I had all the answers. I really have done my research in to this. I have watched a friend almost die from her gastric bypass surgery and it's complications, I have watched another friend lose 180 lbs with her lap band and has told me " don't wait till your 50 like I did" and I have been in and out this forum. I am so thankful for the honesty and openess of all of you today.   What I am really starting to learn is when you move and act from a place where you are trying to better yourself, be honest with yourself, be true to yourself and really want to change yourself for the better. People see that and want to support you to be happy. Of course I have had negative encounters..... one woman I told stated " have you really tried everything? I mean it's a lot of money" I FUMED! My retort? 25,000.00 For IVF, not gauranteed and I would have to lose weight anyway 40,000.00 adoption and 4-5 years 16,000.00 lap band = healthy me, healthy pregnancy and a tool to control my weight for the rest of my life! I asked her to go home to her beautiful little boys, think about how much money she would have paid for just one of her pregnancies, birth experiences, and sons and tell me how to price that out...... cause that is what I am buying!!!   She didn't have anything to say..... I was not trying to be a smart ass, I was trying to remove the stigma. The one that says fat people are lazy, have not tried and are motivated by skinny jeans only..... I am a real person, I am a nurse who cares for others, I have been married and built a life to be a mother. I do not deserve to be judged. That is what my mother in law said to me last night. That was just what I needed to hear........
prettygirlhiding

prettygirlhiding

4
 

Vancouver, Mississauga, driving or flying.... oh my!

What an exhausting few days!! My mind has been spinning and whirling with too much information, too many things to consider, too many people to consider, Enough!!!! This is why I am over 300 lbs! Simply because I stopped considering what I need and wanted so long ago! Instead of worrying about what is best for my work schedule, or who can come with me, or what this person is going to think about my surgery, or ANYONE ELSE!! I stopped and took a deep breath, called MY clinic and made a decision which will be best for ME!!!!!   And now I have a consultation with my original surgeon of choice.... Dr Cobourn for TODAY! Sorry I keep yelling. I have decided that I am not going to wait and I am trying to book my surgery ( self-pay) for the last week of October and fly to Ontario. My head is clear! It is swirling again with all of my normal stuff.... what time will I leave for work today, where will I walk my dogs, what will I make for dinner, you know normal stuff!   One thing I think everyone who has ...... Let themselves go....has in common, is we are too worried about everything but our own happiness. My amazing husband said it best to me last night. Stop worrying about everyone but yourself and do what is best for you. Everything else will fall into place. So simple, but so far removed from what I have become to practice for myself. The truth is, the easiest thing was to decide to have surgery. I have accepted that all the money spent on personal trainers, diet fads, food!, gimmicks HAS NOT WORKED. This little device implanted into my body, that will give me control over how much food I eat will be the best thing I will ever do for myself. I don't fear it one bit. What I have been fearing is how it will effect everyone around me......... and I have been paying for it with my sanity.   Not anymore, not today. Today I chose what will be best for me and my life....... I could get used to this.
prettygirlhiding

prettygirlhiding

6
 

It's time!

For several years now I have been playing an awful head game with myself.... "Today is gonna be perfect, I am going to eat what I am supposed to and exercise for as long as I am supposed to, I am going to have the perfect weight loss day!" I didn't set out to intentionally lie to myself everyday, but I have been. Today while waiting for my consultation, I am forced to reflect on the days, months, years that have been absorbed by this lie. At 33 I am looking for some way out of this lie. I am facing the truth, I am facing the fear. I feel like this is the best decision I will ever make. I am deciding to live! To have children, to be happy, to stop hiding, to live the rest of my life to the fullest!........ I can't wait!
prettygirlhiding

prettygirlhiding

9
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