Well, I should have known I would have jinxed myself with all these positive entries. I hit a plateau a few weeks ago and I'm ready to scream! I started exercising more regularly and I thought that maybe I was suffering from some water retention. Then I went on vacation for a few days. My band was really tight on vacation and I was eating less so I figured "Yeah! I bet I lost some weight!" I came back home, hopped on the scale, and NOTHING. I wanted to throw it out the window. Not to mention it's that special TOM and I always retain water anyway, so that never helps. Hopefully my surgeon will give me an adjustment today and I'll start seeing some results soon. I wouldn't feel so pissed off if my clothes fit different at least, or if I felt different. I just feel like a fat bloated mess right now and it's all I can do to keep from giving up. I'm just hoping this is a little bump in the road and not an indicator of things to come.
Like most people who are trying to lose weight, I've hit some bumps in the road. My weight loss has slowed and even stalled a few times, and sometimes it's hard not to get frustrated. I will never go back to my old mindset of just giving up, but I do beat myself up occasionally when that scale just won't budge. Not as much as I used to, but sometimes I feel like I'll never reach my goal weight, and I have just so much farther to go. Even my weight loss of 43 pounds seems like nothing when I started out over 100 pounds overweight.
Last weekend, my fiance and I hosted a BBQ and we went to a beer distributor to get ice. We got a "party pack" that weighed 42 pounds and I thought to myself "Wow, that's about how much I've lost so far." I asked my fiance if I could carry it to the backyard when we got home so I could see how heavy it felt. I picked it up, walked a few steps, and put it down. I couldn't do it. Just imagine, I was carrying that around on my body all day, every day! It really put things in perspective for me.
My journey is far from over, but I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far...I've lost a giant bag of ice! No more beating myself up and thinking my weight loss isn't good enough. Soon enough, i'll have lost two of those bags...and I'm sure as heck not trying to carry those!
The other day I was eating dinner with my fiance and I'm looking down at my plate thinking "Wow this is way too much food! Should I be eating so much?" Meanwhile it was about 3-4 ounces of chicken and 2 tablespoons of macaroni. To my post banded brain, it looked like a thanksgiving feast. Then of course I look over at my fiance's plate and actually felt slightly nauseous...I used to be able to eat that much, and it's hard for me to believe. I actually asked him if it looked like I was eating a lot and he gave me a look like I'd lost my mind.
It's interesting to me how having the band has kind of "reset" my idea of what a portion is. I think that's an important battle to win in my weight loss journey. I hated all the diets I was on because I felt deprived, that I wasn't getting enough food and I felt the loss. I wanted to eat until I couldn't possibly fit one more bite in my stomach...now that would cause me unbearable pain and damage to the band. It's kind of like learning to eat all over again, and although it was a struggle physically and emotionally at first, it's really been a wonderful thing for me. Soon my fiance will have a band too and we'll both think "Ugh, I can't believe I used to eat so much!"
I think this is a lesson that I have needed to learn for a long time, and will probably always struggle with. I have such a fear of being hungry that as soon as my stomach growls even a little bit, I'm ready to run to the kitchen. Not to mention I get very hangry if my blood sugar drops too low. This has been a constant problem and a huge source of my past failures.
My weight loss had stalled for a couple weeks because I was grazing almost constantly. I decided to try an experiment where I would force myself to ignore my growling stomach for a hour or two and see what happened. Lo and behold, I didn't die of starvation, the world didn't end, and I made it to my next meal unscathed. It's OK to be hungry! My band helps somewhat in this department but I realized all over again the necessity for some form of willpower. I was sick of being stuck at the same weight for weeks and starting to feel my old feelings of failure and the "Screw it, I'm going to eat a box of cookies since I'm not losing weight anyway" mentality. Then I went to the mirror, lifted my shirt, and looked at my surgical scar. I didn't go through all this pain, the post op diet from hell, and weeks of recovery to fail now. I knew I was in this for life when I had this surgery and there are going to be ups and downs in this journey, but so far I've been heading in the right direction.
Happily, I broke my plateau this morning and I'm down three pounds! My new mantra: It's OK to be hungry!
In a few minutes, I will be picking up my dad from the airport to go to my brother's rehearsal dinner tonight. He lives in North Carolina and I haven't seen him since a few days after the surgery. I hit the 39 pound mark today and I'm curious to see what he will say. He has seen me at all my ups and downs (weightwise and otherwise) and I know he was very proud of me when I decided to go through with the surgery. Frankly, I'm pretty damn proud of myself too! Lap band surgery is not easy, no matter what anyone says about it, and I know I've done the right thing for myself. Not just for my looks and self esteem, but more importantly, for my health and my ability to stay around longer to bug my future husband
Weight has always been a touchy subject with my parents and me. I've been on countless diet and exercise plans throughout my childhood and teenage years and always felt that they wouldn't accept me if I was fat. It's hard to be 8 or 9 years old and having your pediatrician tell your parents to buy you toys as a reward for when you lose weight. Most kids get toys for getting good grades or behaving well, but not me. Kind of screwed up now that I look back on it. I always felt like less of a person the heavier I got and thought that my parents were ashamed of me. I never had the guts to actually come out and ask but it was kind of obvious. My late mother was never as bad as my father, who I am convinced felt guilty for overfeeding me as a baby and probably thinks that if I'm thin in my adult years that it will absolve him of all wrongdoing. Again, these aren't facts but just my assumptions. Someday I'll work up the courage to ask him. I just wish I could have one conversation that doesn't revolve around my weight, either what I'm doing to lose it or why have I gained so much, etc. Someday I hope it will be a nonissue altogether. I want to worry about who I am as a person and what I'm doing to grow and nurture myself, not what I'm doing to make the numbers on the scale lower. With Bandy's help I know I can get to that place and it's a happy feeling.
I haven't been making the best choices lately and today I noticed that the scale is creeping up on me. Normally my next thought would be "Oh great, I've failed again. Where are the Girl Scout cookies?" This time I'm not going to let it get to me. Instead I'm thinking about what I need to do differently:
1. I've been slacking off on my water intake. Bottoms up!
2. I have to start journaling my food again. It keeps me accountable.
3. I'm drinking too many of my calories. Gotta indulge less at happy hour.
4. I'm not moving enough. There's a gym right by my house I'm going to try out.
My weight loss is a journey, not a destination. As long as I keep learning from my mistakes I know I will continue to grow. I'm going to be ok.
Lane Bryant was having a sale so I figured I'd stop in since most of my shirts and jeans are falling off of me. As I stopped at the first table of cropped pants there was a size 16 on top of the pile. I thought "Dare I?" and then figured "Ah what the hell, it couldn't hurt." I took an 18 in the same size just in case. After making my rounds I went into the fitting room, my heart beating fast. I can't even remember the last time I could fit into a 16. I couldn't believe I was even daring to try them on.
I pulled them on, zipped them up, and they fit! A little snug around the tummy area (everything is for me) but who cares? They fit! I have officially dropped two dress sizes since surgery! The lap band has exceeded my wildest dreams. A few months ago, I was terrified that I would go through the rigors of surgery only to fail as I have so many times before, afraid that I would be one of the ones that the surgery didn't work for. Now two and a half months later, I'm stepping into a size I haven't fit into in years and feeling great. I love you Bandy!!!
Had a second fill on Wednesday. The fill nurse was very impressed with my weight loss so far (which is great for the old ego!) and asked the usual questions about portion sizes, satiety, etc. I had a little fluid added to the band so I was put on the normal post fill diet of 24-48 hours of full liquids and 24-48 hours of soft foods. No biggie.
As I'm sitting here eating my pudding, it occurred to me that most people would probably FREAK if they couldn't eat solid foods for four days, but for us bandsters it's nothing. After going two weeks on full liquids and two weeks on mushies, a couple days is no problem. It makes me realize that the band has made me stronger than I could ever have thought possible. And people think it's "taking the easy way out." Easy? I'd like to see a non banded person try the post op diet sometime. Then you tell me how easy it is!
I don't know what it is about the band and my cycle, but everything seems to be really off kilter since the surgery. I have been using birth control for years since being diagnosed with polycystic ovaries, so my cycle has been somewhat regular. After surgery, I had breakthrough bleeding for the first time in years that lasted for almost two weeks. I was so scared I went to my GYN, but she said everything was fine. She said it was the IV antibiotics and the stress from surgery that threw me out of whack.
This month has been the worst yet. I've had cramps, fatigue, breakouts, and horrible chocolate cravings. I feel like a teenager again. It's almost like the birth control stopped working or something. The mood swings are terrible too...my poor fiance doesn't know how I'll be from one minute to the next. I thought I'd grown out of all this nonsense years ago, but here it is again to make one week out of the month miserable. I'm hoping my body will adjust and I'll go back to normal, but right now it's just hard to deal with on top of all the other things that have changed in my life recently. I'm just scared that these cravings for chocolate will throw my weight loss in reverse and all my hard work will be for nothing. I know I'd have to eat an awful lot of chocolate for that to happen, but one bad decision usually leads to another with me. I'm trying to stay strong and not fall off the wagon completely like I have so many other times. This time it's different though. I'm not technically on a diet anymore. I'm using the band as a tool to help me make good decisions and keep my portions and hunger under control. I know it will help keep me strong where my willpower failed me so many times. I'm just having a brief moment of weakness and need to acknowledge it so I won't go back to my "all or nothing" attitude that I've always had about weight loss. Maybe this PMS junk is just a test to show how strong I've become since having the surgery and that I will continue to succeed no matter what. I can and will lose this weight and keep it off for good this time. For my health, my self esteem, and my well being. I can do this!
This afternoon my fiance went to a christening for his cousin's daughter. We took some pictures and after looking at them later on I thought to myself "Hey, I don't look half bad!" It's amazing I actually let myself have my picture taken in the first place because normally I hide from the camera at all costs. Definitely an NSV for me!
It's getting to be that TOM and I'm sure some of you ladies can relate to the evil chocolate cravings we sometimes get. Truth be told, I don't really crave sweets like I used to but for some reason I pigged out on chocolate yesterday. I'm not going to beat myself up about it because what's done is done and I'm not doing to undo my weight loss in one moment of weakness. It just reminds me to be more diligent about what I put in my mouth and that one Hershey kiss leads to another (and another and another!). Why can't we crave brussel sprouts or something when we're PMSing? Oh well, today is another day and I'm doing fine.
Before the band, I was a serious coffee addict. Tons of coffee, Red Bull, soda and any other form of caffeine flying down my throat all day long. I couldn't understand why I was so tired all the time. The more caffeine I had, the more tired I was, so the more caffeine I wanted. I was trapped in a vicious cycle of exhaustion. I could literally drink a cup of coffee and then go right to sleep.
After the surgery, my nutritionist told me to avoid caffeine, or at least replace what water I was losing from drinking it. I thought "Oh god, how am I going to get through the day without my precious coffee?" So I started drinking lots of water to flush out the caffeine and whatever other nasties were hanging around in my body, and I couldn't believe it...I actually had energy again! I mean, I wasn't bouncing off the walls or anything, but I definitely noticed an improvement. I should have realized with my medical background, but my exhaustion was coming from dehydration. Duh!
Nowadays I definitely notice a difference if I'm not getting adequate water. I feel down, like I'm dragging myself to do anything or go anywhere. Instead of reaching for the coffee, I'll have a few glasses of water and I feel better almost immediately. I love you water! Where have you been all my life?
Last Friday I found out that my grandmother passed away. She lived in Oregon and I'm in NY so I didn't get to visit her often so of course the guilty feelings I always have about everything rose to the surface. I was happy to find out that she got the flowers I sent her for Mother's Day before she died, so that made me feel a little better. Still, the impulse to run out and stuff myself with every form of junk food on the planet reared its ugly head. I just told myself "That's not going to make me feel any better or bring Grandma back, so what's the point?" Instead I spoke with my family about my feelings and found out they felt the same way about the situation, so I knew I was not alone. Then we talked about happy memories that we had with her and that we were happy she was with Grandpa again. I felt better and didn't want to eat anymore.
You didn't win this time, food! Boo ya!
After a few well meaning kicks in the butt from my fellow bandsters (thank you!), I realize that I'm being very impatient. My weight loss has been a lifelong struggle and I will not win the battle overnight. The purpose of getting the band was not so I could wave a magic wand and instantly be at my goal weight, it was to give me a tool to help me where I've failed so many times before.
Besides, how will I learn anything if all I want is rapid results? I'm supposed to be learning how to fuel my body with the right foods and exercise, not whining that the scale isn't moving or I'm not a size 2 by now. My ultimate goal is to live a healthier life without all this weight dragging me down, and that's not a simple goal. I knew that when I decided to get the band, but I slipped back into my old mindset for a little while there. No more of this all or nothing, "I want results NOW" bullcrap. Slow and steady wins the race!
I knew this would happen eventually since this has been my pattern for years, but I'm starting to lose motivation. I haven't worked out in almost a week. Drinking the bare minimum water intake. I'm keeping my calories low but that will probably go out the window at some point as well. This all reminds me why I'm fat in the first place. Even losing 31 pounds in two months hasn't been enough to keep me going.
Worst of all, I had my fiance take some pictures to commemorate my reaching 1/3 of my goal weight and all I could think was "Wow, I don't look much different. I'm still really fat." It was kind of a nasty wake up call for me and made me feel pretty down. I thought I must be looking pretty fabulous because I was getting so many compliments from his family but I don't see it. Why can't I give myself a break?
Just got back from the doctor after my first fill. They were very impressed with my weight loss, even though I have been feeling frustrated lately, so that was very encouraging. Also it turns out that my port is in a totally different place than I thought! What I was feeling was actually scar tissue! Silly me.<div> Now it's two days of full liquids and two days of mushies, then back to solids. I'm hoping this will give me the push I need to keep my weight loss going!</div>
I'm a month post op today (yay me!). I've lost 25 pounds between the pre op diet and recovery period, but now it seems like my weight loss has stalled. I know it's probably a combination of being super sick with a sinus infection and subsequently being on 10,000 medications, not being able to exercise due to said infection, and taking in more calories (never more than 1200 though). Still, it's hard not to be frustrated when you don't see the number on the scale change. Not to mention my scale is schizo and gives me a different reading each and every time so I really don't always know what I weigh anyway. Every time I look in the mirror I can see my weight loss and I'm proud of myself for that, but I guess I'm too impatient. Always have been. I have to remember that I didn't put this weight on overnight, although sometimes it seems that way!
I also know I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself because I'm getting married next summer and I want to look sexy and svelte in my wedding dress. They have to be ordered a long way in advance and I get anxiety just thinking about it...ugh. I wonder if my fat knows that and is purposely hanging around to piss me off. Screw you fat, I'm winning this battle and there's nothing you can do about it! I'll try to take a walk today and see if I can get my metabolism going without my sinuses acting up again and sending me into a delightful coughing fit. Also trying to up my water intake to flush myself out. Just gotta keep on trucking and pray this weight comes off!
It's been a long time coming...I start solid foods tomorrow! As happy as I am to start eating like a normal (banded) person, I must admit I'm also pretty nervous. Eating regular food is what got my in trouble in the first place with my weight. I also worry that some of my favorite foods may not agree with my band, but if they don't it's something I'll just have to learn to live with. This is where the real journey starts!
On Monday it will be three weeks since my surgery. It hasn't been easy but I've made it this far, which feels like a great accomplishment. The first two weeks were hell on Earth and I seriously considered at one point going back to the surgeon and tell him I made a huge mistake. I cried a few times when I had to drink protein shakes while everyone around me was enjoying their meal. Every day felt like an eternity of misery that would never end. When you're as addict to food as I am, it's pretty rough without it.<div> But I made it. Somehow, by sheer force of will, I made it. Now I'm in the soft food phase at last and I'm starting to get my rhythm. Staying hydrated, making good food choices, trying to move my butt a few times a week (working up to every day) and realizing that food is starting to relax its grip on me. I'm starting to learn that I need to eat to live, not the other way around. The only way to go now is forward. I can't guarantee I won't screw up once in a while, but I have to forgive myself and move on. I'm only human after all. Well, more of a bionic human now I guess. Me and Bandy against the world!</div>
Today I had my 2 week post op appointment. I was given the all clear to start soft foods (yay!) and was told my incisions look "fantastic". I can also start exercising a little now too. My first soft meal consisted of crackers, feta cheese and hummus. Boy is chewing a strange sensation after not doing it for almost a month! I'm just happy things are moving along and I'm healing well. To all you bandsters still in your liquid diet phase...there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
Hello, my name is Jenn and I'm a food addict.
I'm not really sure how this unhealthy relationship with food started, but it has been a lifelong battle. I believe my parents overfed me as a baby because they were afraid I wasn't eating enough, and their fears soon passed on to me. Some of my earliest memories are of my pediatrician telling my parents I needed to lose weight and to buy me toys as a reward when I did. Of being scolded in front of others when I tried to eat something I shouldn't. Of hiding my eating from my family because I was so ashamed of what they would say if they saw me. My weight has been up and down all my iife. I would win the battle for a few years at the most, at the least a few months before the weight crept back on again. It was always the same: get gungho about a new diet, lose some weight, get sick of the diet and gain all the weight back plus more. Every failure made me feel less and less hopeful that I would ever succeed and win my family's approval. Every conversation with my father somehow went to my weight and every time I hung up the phone I felt worse than ever. I even had a coworker ask me once, "What happened to that diet you were on? You look heavier than when you first started." I felt defined by the numbers on the scale and on my jeans, not what was inside.
Food was my main source of comfort, even though it always caused me so much pain and embarrassment. Any time I had any stress in my life, it was off to the fridge or the nearest fast food restaurant for 10 minutes of happiness and an entire day of shame and guilt. The bigger the problem, the more weight I gained. The death of my mother, my stepmother's suicide, my abusive relationship with my ex boyfriend, all reasons to eat and eat and eat. The more I ate, the worse I felt. The worse I felt, the more I ate. I was trapped in a vicious cycle I couldn't escape from. I didn't feel human anymore. I felt constantly empty, physically and emotionally. I just wanted to be invisible, and for the most part I got my wish. I had few friends, if any, and men wouldn't look twice at me. My fat was like a wall separating me from everyone else, and I guess subconsciously I wanted it that way.
Besides the heavy emotional burden food put on me, I have physical problems stemming from my weight. My back hurts almost constantly, I can't stand for long periods because my knees and feet hurt, I have PCOS, acid reflux, and depression. Yet all that couldn't stop me from eating. My body was crying out for me to stop and I didn't listen.
I met my fiance in August of 2009 and while it has been a very happy time for me, my weight has suffered because of it. He is obese too and we often fueled each other's bad eating habits. Meeting him made me realize that I want to be around to have a life with him and I knew I had to do something I hadn't done before. I decided to look into the Lap Band, and on March 14th I had the procedure. The physical recovery is coming along well but I know my emotional recovery will take much longer. I'm hoping that sharing my feelings here will help. Every day without my drug of choice is a struggle...but now I realize it's not only a struggle for my self esteem, but for my health and my life. Let the battle begin!
