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Finding myself for the first time

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Day 13 - I can hear myself

Take away the vice - food, cigarettes - and listen to my body, observe my body and the cravings and moment when my body says "gimme!!"   Driving to work - there were at least 3 times when my body screamed "it's time to smoke. let me smoke". But rather than giving in to that subconsious scream, I stopped and thought about it, thought about what I was doing - driving, breathing - and realize that smoking has nothing to do with it, its not neccessary or productive. Besides that, I have to quit for surgery.   Yesterday -since I took my diet more seriously - when my body would scream for food and I'd say no, it would immediatly scream for a cigarette. Very interesting.....Funny how I can "hear" my body now that I've taken away the distractions.   I'm down to 248! Total of 7 lbs. I'd like to lose 12 before surgery on the 16th. I think I can....I think I can....
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Day 6 - fear and cake

I have 21 days to surgery and I'm scared. Fear is the body's way to keep change at bay - we get comfortable in every sense of the word and change is a threat. I know this. I'm not going to give in to fear. Some one said having LapBand is like "freedom" and thats what I'm going to believe.   Having already lost some weight - I think "I can just do this on my own" but then I remember how many times I've been down that road and it all comes back.   I went to AA last night - haven't been in a while. Someone suggested I should tell my sponsor my plans, so I went with that in mind. I was pushed away - for real, not just my perception. I was told "don't let life get in the way of AA". Wow. That was the last place I expected to be judged for not meeting someone elses expectations. It's ok. I'll get my support elsewhere.   On another note - they had cake - very moist yummy cake - I thought "I can't eat that!!", but then I had a celebration of sorts. I decided this may very well be the last cake I ever eat. I took the smallest piece and savored every bite - cream cheese frosting and rasperries with chocolate....I told myself to feel no guilt and just enjoy the flavor knowing it was the last for a very long time. So I did.   I feel strong in my decision (in spite of fear) and every time I think about it - it comes in flashes of excitement and anticipation throughout the day - I get that little jolt of adreneline...you know the one??
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Day 7 - commitment and peaches

I got my loan docs today. I realize I paid a deposit and purchased airline tickets, but in the back of my head, I keep saying - if I change my mind, it'll be ok - not too much money on the line....with these loan docs I'm commiting 100%.   Signing and going to get copies of everything to fax then overnight to them. Not having the highest credit score (which I still don't understand! I've worked so hard the last 4 years and its still low!) my finance options were limited. The rate is not the greatest and there is a loan fee that is ludicrus, but even if I don't pay it off early, I'll still be paying much less than having a US surgery I'm thinking of it like a car loan....besides I'm going to save money every month on food and not buying cigarettes! I haven't quit smoking yet. August 1st is the day....   I'm down another pound. Could be more, but my scale is screwy so I'm being conservative. I know the Atkins induction doesn't include fruit, but my DH stopped at the produce stand and got fresh peaches - I had one for breakfast. There is nothing like the taste of that juicy fruit as it drips down your chin - it was so refreshing....   Walked again last night - 1.25 miles at about 3 MPH. Slow I know, but I don't have anyone to impress. I just want to build on a regime I know I'll stick to and keep progressing.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Day one - Lose weight and quit smoking, FUN

I scheduled surgery yesterday with Dr. Ortiz in Mexico. I'm scheduled for Aug. 16th. I booked airline tickets for me and hubby last night after work. I paid my deposit. There is no turning back now!   Since I need to lose 10lbs before the surgery date, I figured I might as well get started so today I'm reverting back to Atkins low carb eating.   Much to my suprise I was told you can't smoke 2 weeks before the surgery. GREAT! Quit smoking AND lose 10 lbs. I guess if I'm going to quit, this is the best time since my focus is on weight LOSS at the same time. I did warn my hubby that I might be bitchy though!   I'm feeling scared, a little Foggy - like "I'm just moving forward" can't over think it. I know it'll be a great decision and I have to trust my instinct. I'm sad thinking of the foods I won't be able to enjoy - like those flaky dinner rolls that come in a can.....   I weighed yesterday. I'm at a whopping 255. I HATE that, but I can rest assured this will be my highest weight and I'm never going back there!
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Day 9 - birthday

My girlfriend turned 34 yesterday and invited my DH and I out. We went. It was a nice time, however everyone kept saying how worried they are about me going to Mexico for surgery. It's frustrating when people don't know anything about a subject and still have an opinion on it....Her BF put his arm around me and said "You know it all comes down to diet and excercise" No kidding?! I'm glad he told me - and to think I thought you could lose weight magically....
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Day 5 - the treadmill

I've been faithfully doing the low carb diet - the one I love - for a week or two anyway - until anything green makes me want to run and hide! The good news is I've lost 5 lbs in the few days I've been doing it. Considering that is the first time the scale has moved THAT direction in about 6 months, thats a real high for me.   Taking in less carbs I feel my energy slowing coming back...Enought that I dusted off my treadmill and took a "walk" last night. Did just over a mile - slowly so as not to overdo it - overall with warm up and warm down I walked about 27 minutes. Now the trick is to keep that up -every day!   My dad is having a breakdown about the surgery. He is sending me some article from USA today. I looked it up online. It's an article primarly about Gastric Bypass surgery that is based on old data and stats. I don't need his approval, but his attitude is frustrating. If I had cancer would he tell me not to do chemo?? I don't think he realizes LapBand and Gastric Bypass are totally different things.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
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