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Conferences, Retreats, ADHD, and Food

Conferences, Retreats, ADHD, and Food     Sun broke out when I got home tonight and its warmer so I had a nice walk. But I'm aching. I really prefer walking in the morning, I don't hurt nearly as much as I do when I walk after work. Gotta do my laundry. Didn't get to it last night and I need it for my retreat tomorrow, my conferences Thurs. and Fri., and my retreat Friday night and Saturday.Aargh.   Sleeping in hotels, sitting through long presentations. I'm going to have to velcro my butt to the seat to get thru some of this. I get a fill next Tues. I can really tell I need one again. I can eat dense meats in much larger quantities and no trouble eating anything else except bread.   I need more clothes but am in between a 16 and a 14. Don't want to spend till I'm down. Shopping--I'm a Kohls and thrift store shopper. I know Kohls well and they've always got deals going. I don't like thrift store shopping but I can afford it. I pretty much dislike shopping. I also hate manicures and purses. I never get my hair done. I cut and style it myself. I dislike shopping for Christmas, too. Shopping overwhelms me. Online seems like an unbelievable hassle to me. Everytime I've ever ordered something from a catelog I've ended up returning it. That's more work than I care to do.   I buy one practical leather purse, as small as I can get away with, and use it till it falls apart. I only wear the most comfortable shoes, stuff like sketchers. I've never been fond of heels, pointed toes, or boots (unless they're for walking thru snow).   I think it has a lot to do with ADHD. I have no patience for shopping, or watching a hairdresser butcher my hair while I'm stuck in a seat, or not doing anything for hours while waiting for a manicure that will only be good for a day to dry. Forget pedicures. Not relaxing. Make me unbelievably tense. I feel totally trapped with all those things. Feeling trapped makes me want to eat.   I am also no domestic goddess. I avoid crafts like the plague. My closets overflow. I seldom cook, or entertain, or clean. I crave being outdoors. Teaching is a great occupation for me because I don't have to sit still and I'm constantly changing what I'm doing. Food helps me sit and get through stuff. It quite literally drugs me.   I've got 4 days of sitting ahead of me and I've got to try to do it without food. My band is no longer providing much restriction. So this will not be easy--4 days of sitting. I'd actually rather be teaching.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Celebration! Fun Without Fighting Fat and Food!

Sunday, October 11, 2009   Celebration! Fun Without Fighting Fat and Food!     Went to 125th Anniversary celebration of Roseland Christian School yesterday. Sang in the gospel choir and led the congregation in a song as an alto in a women's trio. Great speaker, great music. The 5th grade girls did a praise dance that was beautiful.   I had to wear a black bottom and bright top for the choir. I wore form fitting low rise charcoal pants and a form fitting sweet-heart necked top. I couldn't believe it fit and I looked good. I had to wear an old strapless bra I never thought I'd fit in again.   Then I went straight to my 40th class reunion. Fun in a different sort of way. However, hardly anybody I ever hung out with was there. I was not exactly Miss Popularity back in high school. However, three people I'm friends with on Facebook (though I never hung out with them in high school) did come up and mention how much they enjoy my blog. One of them is having LAP-BAND®® himself in December. His wife had a band which had to be removed and now she has a sleeve. She looked great. Like me, it was only 70 lbs but it was killing her emotionally as well as physically.   I did my 2 protein shakes and nothing else so that I could eat normally at the banquet. By which I do not mean I ate the way I used to. But I ate some of everything served that I liked and went ahead and drank punch, water, and coffee while I ate, took tiny bites, and thoroughly enjoyed my food. No weight gain this morning so I must have done well. However, I will walk again today (once it warms up, brrrr) and will really watch my food as well.   I'm going to tell the Dr. on my next fill that I want it filled to point where the food squeaks on its way through. I have no desire to ever go back to the old me.   Celebration! What fun when you're not fighting fat and food!
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Taking the Good with the Bad

Friday, October 9, 2009   Taking the Good with the Bad     I spent a lot of time this week feeling somewhat depressed. That's the bad news. The good news is I didn't eat. In fact I'm down to a 50 lb. weight loss. Twenty to go.   I still have some restriction, as long as I follow the food protocol. I have my protein shake in the morning, usually 3oz of tuna or chicken for lunch, and various meats and a veggie for supper. I have a Kashie bar (choc. and cherry) for a snack at night. Sometimes I have applesauce and/or a small V8 for an afternoon snack. If there's a treat at school I take a small portion.   I seem to have a special event almost every weekend and I eat 2 protein shakes that day and go ahead and eat everything at the event. I just don't pig out.   I'm walking as much as the weather permits. I'm going to have to clean off the treadmill which currently is full of cement and other dust down in our stripped to bare bones, newly drain-tiled basement. I can't say I'm looking forword to walking on it when the weather gets even worse, but it's cheap excercise.   The depression was caused by news about the financial condition of Roseland Christian School. The other teachers are depressed over the expansion of their responsibilities in order to help the school financially. The school board is depressed because previous boards allowed the mess to happen and now they have to clean it up.   I think its doable and I'm working with the promotions committee to bring in the financial support we need. The school does great work with the kids. Seven or eight blocks from the school a young man was recently beaten to death, which made a change from all the children shot to death, and therefore made the news all over the world. RCS gives kids a safe environment, an excellent education, and a Christian foundation that gives them hope and stability and a good chance to make a better life for themselves that doesn't involve violence.   I have kids who've shown me scars of bullet wounds they received as young children in drivebys. I have students who have fathers shot dead or in prison. I have students who were born crack addicted.   I have students whose parents are dead because of poverty--poor access to timely health care.   I have students whose instincts and brain development have been geared to survival, and not to academics.   I work hard to make my room a safe, loving, nurturing environment, where students can make progress academically, discover their strengths, and begin to visualize a future that goes beyond mere survival.   So do the other teachers at Roseland.   Pray for us, support us.   Tomorrow we have our final celebration of our 125th year. It's a worship service at a church near Roseland. I'm singing in the gospel choir and in a trio.   Then I'm going to my 40th high school reunion at a Christian high school a half hour's journey from where I teach. It will be like traveling from one country to another. I expect to experience culture shock walking back into my all Dutch highly traditional conservative roots.   I walk between two worlds, each with their strengths and weaknesses, not really belonging to either one of them. This makes it very difficult to form deep, lasting friendships.   This is partly caused by my ADHD, as I let slip things better left unsaid, or I avoid deep friendship in order to avoid saying things that might be hurtful or misinterpreted. I've always had to fight recurring bouts of foot-in-mouth disease.   But I will open my mouth and fight for my kids, my Roseland kids. I love them fiercely. During the time I have them, they become my kids. I pour myself into teaching them, guiding them, seeking to improve the school environment and the academic skills and materials available to all the teachers teaching them, and to use my writing and storytelling skills to help bring in fianancial support.   I don't have a whole lot of time for much else besides seeing my own chidren and grandchildren. Singing in the church choir spiritually sustains me. My husband and I try to do some fun things together that don't cost much on weekends.   But Roseland Christian School has become my cause, my passion. Please pray that I will still find myself working there next year and in the years to come.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Dancing!

Saturday, October 3, 2009   Dancing!     I danced for an hour and a half last night and barely sat down! I didn't get winded either. I'm sore but my joints held together, my muscles had no problems, and I breathed easily. I'm 2 lbs away from a 50 lb weight loss. I've got 22 lbs to go. I'm amazed at how much the weight loss has already accomplished.   Last night was great. I attended the 50th anniversary of Trinity Christian College held in the Grand Ballroom of Navy Pier in downtown Chicago--one of my favorite places in Chicago.   I wore the designer winter pantsuit I got married in 10 years ago come February. Let's call it vintage. The suitcoat is very uniquely styled, very clean, modern, elegant, shoulder pads, nipped in at the waist, draped long over the hips, wide leg pants, and its a dusty pale rose or pink. Stood out like a sore thumb in a room of mostly black-clad middle-aged and elderly women. Lacy, subdued print, boxy jackets, or shawls, over black or dark dresses. Most of the college age girls wore shortened length, halter top, shiny, former(maybe) bridesmaids dresses in dark greens and golds and purples.   But I felt great in my suit. I looked great in my suit. I sang in a combo alumni and student choir, I ate delicious food (for which I'd prepared by having only 2 protein shakes that day), I greeted a lot of people I hadn't seen for a while, I saw a great 10 minute fireworks display shivering outside on the pier in the unseasonably cold weather, and danced my heart out with my huband.   This coming Saturday I'll be attending my 40th high school reunion. I don't think anyone I actually hung out with will be there but I'm going anyway. Can't say I really fit in in high school among any of the groups. So it should be interesting. I can't believe its been 40 years. I was only 17 years old, one of the youngest in my class. I was just coming into my own as a senior, but I really blossomed in college at Trinity. Being a little different was an asset. My off-beat way of looking at things gave me a perspective the professors appreciated. I was in top physical shape, my hair was down to my waist (like Cher who was big at the time). I performed in plays, enjoyed intramural sports, stayed up late in the dorm, went home weekends with my laundry, which my mother (bless her heart) did.   Various boys were definitely showing an interest in me but my former husband had kind of cut me out of the crowd before I ever got to Trinity. We were not exclusive but he had a tendancy to be hanging around when other boys took me to informal events on campus. I had dated a little in high school when I became a lifeguard during the summers. Public school boys appreciated me a whole lot more than the boys from my own Christian high school.   But I never did get much chance to experience the whole teenage dating thing. After my divorce, when I started going to a Christian "Helpmates" singles group, I had some of that experience but in my late 40's. I had a blast having men hanging around me and dancing with all of them. I had lost weight after the divorce and my hysterectomy and was looking quite good. In fact, I was down to my current goal weight. Then, once again, I got cut out of the crowd by my current husband, whom I met on the dance floor.   Onc thing about being free from men. I seemed to better be able to ignore food and have fun and stay in shape. Something about being tied down, even willingly, by another human being--and I think that includes my children, is not healthy for me. I stop taking care of myself when I start taking care of others. I am mildly claustrophobic. I need physical space where I live. I love being outdoors walking where I want. I love dancing where I can physically release and shed all confinement. I suspect this is related to my ADHD.   I work in a culture very different from the one I was raised in. I feel much more free to be myself there than when I'm with the more rigid, highly conservative, tradition based Dutch Christian community I was raised in. I attend a church that's multi-cultural that's much less rigid in its worship as well as its preaching and general attitude. I feel like I can breathe there.   Sometimes I think I encased myself in fat in order to help me remain and survive in confining situations. It will be interesting to see how I do without the fat. My personality tends to leak out more strongly and I'm less likely to keep my opinions to myself. I get a little more boisterous and make people laugh but also step on more toes.   Hopefully, maturity will take the place of fat in giving me judgement. I want the freedom to be myself but I don't want trouble either. I'll make mistakes, say the wrong thing, apologize and hope people don't hold grudges and give me the benefit of the doubt, since my intentions are never to hurt anyone.   I think it was Abe Lincoln who said that most people are as happy as they want to be. I'm choosing happiness. Being myself makes me happy. Not letting other's ideas of who I should be dictate my behavior and cause me to eat makes me happy. I want to dance inside even when I can't dance outside.   Bit by bit, I'm becoming more and more the person God meant me to be. Somedays more than others. I'm planning on having a good time at my reunion, just like I had at the Trinity event last night. I'm planning on being me, dancing on the inside.
 

Life is difficult, life is busy, life is good.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009     I am really tied down teaching this year. By which I mean I have to stay in my seat period after period working intensively with some very needy kids who can't be left to work independantly. Many of my groups are smaller, but I only have an assistant two days a week, so I'm having to take the iron bladder option the other three days.   This is where the limits of the NCLB program for my school become more obvious. I am supposed to be a supplemental program for reading and math, remedial not special ed. But many of my kids are probably special ed level though Chicago Public Schools would do their best to make sure they get no services. One child I have is actually from a special ed setting but was getting bullied in his school so the mother sent him to us, knowing we can't provide him with the intensive services he qualifies for, but also knowing that he won't make that much progress anyway. He's functioning at a first grade level though age-wise he's a fifth grader. I see him every chance I can get, but he's usually with a fairly large group of kids which makes the one on one teaching he needs impossible.   I have a number of students who test below the 10th percentile, meaning they need intense remediation and close to one on one teaching. Especially since several are in the first and second grades and are not yet reading, they have to sound out almost every word of every work page out loud to me. Incredibly time consuming. Having two of these children together totally ties me down.   My older groups have students who are also really low. It's hard to get to them and give them the extra time they need. I have one break period everyday except Tuesday but I'm working with kids before school and after school. So its straight sit-down-next-to-the-child teaching from 8 a.m. till 4 p.m.   Since I see these kids year after year I do see progress over time. In fact, the average increase in test scores over the years I see the children is @15%.   A number of the fourth graders I see are making great progress. Several have graduated from the reading program and are coming only for math. They are eager beavers and a pleasure to work with. They have sweet natures and are very loving. They absolutely love me and love to come to my classroom. All the fourth grade girls I see are in after school care and I made my after school class out of this group of girls. I figured they'd be the easiest and most rewarding group I could teach when I'm starting to run out of teaching gas. I was right.   It is dfficult to come home and not eat a lot and get my excercise, too. I'm getting home later, I'm really hungry by then and mentally tired. Writing in this blog is becoming more difficult.   Plus my son and his 3 year old have been coming over almost every night to shower and bathe respectively since their bathroom has been dismantled. I can't ignore my granddaughter. So the blog is taking a back seat for a while. I am still doing well with the food, though I can't exercise as much as during the summer.   I've also got a few conventions to go to and a couple of reunions.   Life is busy. Life is difficult. Life is good.   I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
 

47 Lbs Down, 23 to Go

Sunday, September 27, 2009   47 Lbs Down, 23 to Go     My body has changed so much since the last time I weighed this much. I've totally lost my butt and now have the typical Dutch flat wide back end of a bus hind end.I also had a fat abdomen but not a tummy. Now I've got 2 rolls and the bigger one is on top My waist is thicker, my hips are thinner and so are my thighs. If it fits my waist it bags on my butt and thighs. So what suits me is not currently in the stores. LOL. But I still look better in clothes than before, and want more of them.   A week ago I went shopping. I'm in between an XL and an L. Neither looked right. The mirrors and lighting in the fitting rooms are absolutely unforgiving. My body's fat distribution has changed so much from the last time I lost weight. My upper stomach sticks out more than my abdomen, but the abdomen has the hanging skin. My thighs are thinner but unbelievably flabby and flappy. My legs are full of varicose veins. My butt has become the typical Dutch butt--wide and flat like the back end of a bus. Once upon a time my figure was hourglass. That was depressing. I left the store and didn't buy anything.   Makes me want plastic surgery but I'll never be able to afford it. And I'm scared of the pain. Sounds worse than my knee surgeries, neck surgery, and my hysterectomy combined..Gettin' old is a real bitch.   My hysterectomy 10 years ago is partially responsible for the redistribution of my weight. Pregnancies, nursing, age and weight loss have warped the rest.   I went back a few days later. Bought some XLs and hope they shrink a little when I wash them so they'll fit a while. Today I used my cash back bucks to buy a really great pair of pants. My guess is nobody my age except the very rich looks very good without their clothes. I feel like I'm starting to look good in my clothes. That's a good thing.   My goal is to reach goal by my birthday, Dec. 30. Forty-seven lbs. down, 23 to go.   In my quest to remain thin and fight my food addiction I used and did a lot of things.     Weight Watchers Dexatrim Slimfast Atkins Jenny Craig Hypnosis Thyroid with an unknown appetite suppressant Overeaters Anonymous TOPS exercising like a maniac a religious group (lasted 2 meetings, too many rules, too much talk about gluttony, figured Jesus would not have attended either) various supplements which I believe had extreme amounts of caffeine and who knows what in them.   I've lived 57 years. I don't even remember all the things I did and tried.   But I'm looking much better. 47 lbs off, 23 to go. Whoo hoo! Not there yet. This is the weight I was at the end of my pregnancies.   But my health is so much better. No more blood pressure meds or supplements. No more reflux meds since the Dr. fixed my hiatal hernia when he put in the lapband. I'm thinking soon no more cholesterol meds.   I've discovered Miralax and am no longer eating fiber like a madwoman to counteract the constipation I've suffered since a baby.   I walk 2-3 mi/day at least 5 days a week. Its the only exercise I can really do. Walk outside as much as possible to enjoy the view, fresh air and the sunshine when available. I do have a treadmill I picked up at a garage sale for $35 that I use when the weather gets bad. I can also go to the community center and walk for free on their walking track.   I have a lot more energy, which I need to keep up with the kids I teach and my grandkids. I have some issues, but with the help of the band, they're not driving me into the food.   God is good, all the time, All the time, God is good.   And I can do all things, through him who strengthens me.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Trimming the Fat

Tuesday, September 22, 2009   Trimming the Fat     Well, what can I say. I'm back at work full blast. I see kids before school and a large number of kids after school in order to bring up the number of contacts with the kids, both for their sake and for mine. If they qualify, I can see them 5x a week for math, 5x for reading. But fitting that many contacts into the school day is extremely difficult, especially with a lot of the scheduling changes to accommodate the smaller population at RCS. But my program brings in money based on the number of contacts I have with the kids. Also, the kids really need the extra help.   I'm really glad I have the weight off, or I would never be able to handle that many straight periods of teaching. I think I teach for 10 or 11 periods a day. Then I go home and eat and then try over the next 2 hours to get out and walk for at least an hour. I check out Facebook and Lapbandtalk, play a little Mafia Wars while I watch a little TV. I think about writing in my blog--and sometimes I still do--then I go to bed.   Food is going well despite loss of restriction. I can't get in to get a fill until Oct. 27. So I'm back dieting until then. That's a royal pain. It was so nice knowing the band wasn't going to let me overeat. Now its hanging on by my fingernails time again.   One thing thats actually helping right now is the fact that I've divested myself of all church commitments except for choir. I spend time with my grandchildren, but other than that I haven't much of a life. I'm not a phone person, so spend very little time talking to people. The lack of things to do, instead of always running, actually allows me some structure and predictability in my life--especially my evenings, which is a friend to dealing with food. My days have never been that much of a problem because work has a routine. It's always been evenings and weekends that the food gets out of control because there are no routines to act a external controls.   I feel like God is preparing me for something. I just don't know what. I think about getting involved with certain things and then I think--do I really want to? I'm becoming somewhat reclusive, a loner, in my personal life. I think I appear gregarious in public but there's always a certain level of discomfort in a public setting. Will I put my foot in my mouth? Will I talk more than I should? Will I accidentally hurt someone's feelings? Will I get pulled into gossip? Will I express myself poorly and will someone take what I said the wrong way and try to cause trouble for me? Will I unknowingly lose a friendship?   Those are the fears of an ADHD adult woman. Fears founded in reality for all those things have happened to me. Frequently.   I still chat on lapbandtalk. I've poured out a lot of myself into this blog. I respond to other's comments on Facebook, but have very little to say myself. I'm running out of words for this blog. I've been emptied in some ways. As the food takes more of a back seat in my life, and I run out of words, and the committments to all but family have been dropping away, I'm wondering what's going to replace it.   Even my job could end after this year. I can feel myself withdrawing slightly from all the things I did at RCS-letting go of RCS' future. I've planted a lot of seeds, now its in other's hands. I'm seeing the fruit of some of those seeds which makes me feel incredibly humble that God has used and is continuing to use those ideas.   God is changing me. Removing baggage. Trimming the fat (LOL) in more ways than one. I'm waiting for the next great passion to hit. The thing that will grab me and motivate me and give me vision and trigger my problem solving ideas. If I could get paid for having ideas, I'd be rich.   By the way, I'm up to a 44 lb weight loss. That leaves 26 to go.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Sometimes Reality Bites

Tuesday, September 15, 2009   Sometimes Reality Bites     So, my husband is looking for part time work to supplement his Social Security. Probably Best Buy again. Its crazy that a 62 year old highly competent man can't get full time work--mostly because employers don't want to pay health care for an older worker.     It feels like this is no longer the land of opportunity. So many workers being kept part-time to avoid paying health care. I wonder if all the companies outsourcing to other countries and paying as little as possible to workers in this country realize they've created an underclass of people who can't afford the products and services they're providing? So they cut even more creating a vicious cycle of increasing near-poverty.     I'm so full of arthritis. Even with the weight loss the extra excercise keeps me in constant pain--especially at night when it wakes me up. Mostly its my hip waking me up. I think the steps at work are whats killing the hip. Walking doesn't seem to irritate it much, but add the stairs and its too much. I've adjusted my classroom to accommodate my arthritis. I sit mostly while teaching. I have a flat overhead I use with some materials (it lies only a half inch higher than the table) so I can use it sitting without having to raise my arm to write on it. My assistant does most of the paperwork which relieves me of enormous stress on my neck. But the school is not handicapped accessible and I do climb stairs a lot. I frequently need to speak to a teacher who might be two stories up or go fetch a class that's running late or that the teacher forgot to send.   I wish I could work out more so that when I hit goal I won't have to stay at 1000-1200 calories to maintain but I don't think that's going to happen. Just ate some Cheetos, not a lot, but that tells you what kind of mood I'm in. Haven't had those in months. Not since before surgery.   My job may not exist next year and the thought of finding another teaching job where I can adjust things to accommodate both my arthritis and my ADHD is quite overwhelming. It took me a number of years to get everything running so smoothly.   I've lost jobs before but I wasn't 57. Oh well, the Lord will have to provide if I can't. He's always opened a door for me, but I see all kinds of believers struggling desperately because of the economy and a broken health care system.   Kind of a downer, eh?   I'm not sure I can "10-10-10" this. I'm not sure there's a decision to be made at this point. I really don't want to go back to school which I think I'd need to do to get another teaching job. I probably could do a pros and cons on that. To stay in teaching or not, to go back to school or not, to look at other careers and receive training or try to break into those, or not. Or I may just be buying trouble and the new vendor next year will hire me without making me go back to school or changing my program so it no longer fits me.   For the next 10 minutes it doesn't impact me. In 10 months I'll know and I should have a back up plan in place. In 10 years I'll be retired and the amount of income I'll have depends on my choices now as well as a whole lot of things beyond my control--like the economy, my meager retirement fund, the decreasing value of my house, etc. I have to overcome this inertia that's paralyzing me, but my ADHD works against me. It needs the overwhelming pressure of an immediate crisis to focus on a problem and solve it.   Sorry about that. Once in a while the "what ifs" start to overwhelm me. Life is never easy. But my band is working and I'm working it and the weight is dropping.   Praise God.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years

Monday, September 14, 2009   10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years     Talked with my 7th grade girls group about the 10,10,10 principle, which is a way of helping you make decisions. We make decisions just about every moment and we need to ask ourselves what would the results be, good and bad, 10 minutes from now, 10 months from now, and 10 years from now.   I thought about how that applied to food and how something that looks good right now and would satisfy our craving right now (or maybe not) ends up cumulatively as weight gain 10 months down the road which 10 years down the road puts us on the path of high blood pressure, high, cholesterol, high blood sugar, and prone to heart disease, strokes, Alzheimers, breast and colon cancer, Dr.s' bills, food bills, wardrobe bills, loss of income from not being able to work as well or at all, shame, etc.,etc., etc.   Of course, for my kids, the consequences of bad decisions now, like just going outside and walking around at night in high risk neighborhoods, can be fatal. Told them I didn't want to be visiting their graves, or their jail cells, or them struggling to raise 3 babies from 3 different fathers.   None of them thinks any of that could ever happen to them, but they were almost all telling about dangerous situations with kids showing them guns, bangers trying to sweet talk them, predators trying to talk them into their vehicles, and they find it very exciting.   The part of their brain that foresees the potential consequences of their actions is not fully developed until the mid-20s, but stupid actions we all took when we were young didn't usually have the severe consequences that my 7th graders are more likely to experience. Some of these consequences for bad choices didn't exist. HIV, getting shot, crack cocaine, meth--its not like there weren't drugs available but they weren't so instantly addictive. Teenage pregnancy existed but it wasn't as widespread, nor was it an accepted way of life.   I'm hoping to give these kids a tool, 10-10-10 to get these kids to think beyond immediate gratification.   10 minutes from now, 10 months from now, 10 years from now. Puts things in perspective. For me, for them.  
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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More Cause for Rejoicing

Sunday, September 13, 2009   More Cause for Rejoicing     Lost 2 more pounds. I had a feeling I was about to lose it. My band is looser and I'm feeling less restriction. That's because the fat pad around the stomach that the band rests on is shrinking. But my scale was not yet showing it because fat weight is often replaced temporarily by water weight. So I've now lost 42 lbs.   So now I've got to be careful till my next fill. I have to go in for my three month check-up. I'll try to coordinate a fill to go with it. I really need some new clothes. Fall clothes. I'm going to have to run to a thrift shop. Hopefully next week won't be so crazy busy. I hate shopping, especially at thrift shops.   I spent most of today playing outdoors with my grandsons. Beautiful day. Beautiful kids. This was definitely a day that the Lord made, and I rejoiced in it.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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ENFP-Extraversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Perception

Saturday, September 12, 2009   ENFP-Extraversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Perception     Took one of those tests on Facebook. Sometimes they are eerily accurate. This one was a personality type test. I am an:   ENFP (Extraversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Perception) You are warmly enthusiastic and imaginative. You see life as full of possibilities. You make connections between events and information very quickly, and confidently proceed based on the patterns you see. You want a lot of affirmation from others, and readily give appreciation and support. You are spontaneous and flexible, and often rely on your ability to improvise and verbal fluency. Famous people with your same ENFP personality include: Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, Andy Kaufman, Bill Cosby, Robin Williams, Sandra Bullock, and Robert Downey Jr.   Then again I also took one test called What Lord of the Rings Character are You and I got this:   You are Aragorn, expert tracker, long hidden hope of the free-world, destined to inherit your kingdom. You engender loyalty, members of both sexes hang around you, and you have *excellent* hair!   Well, I do like my hair.   The first test described an outgoing, right-brained, ADHD person with verbal fluency. That's spot on. I am also very spontaneous and flexible. I change lesson plans at the drop of a hat if they're not working. I'm always up for an adventure-anything that will get me out of the house.   I am highly articulate on subjects that engage me. My journey with the lapband is a topic that engages me, and I've had many people comment on how interesting and well-written my posts are.   However, ENFP's, can struggle with fitting into a world that demands organization, precision, and steady production. And, of course, I struggle with food. I still see so many recommendations to record everything put in the mouth. People use an internet source called The Daily Plate. Or they carry a little notebook.   That just wouldn't work for me. I can't remember what I ate or drank long enough to get it into a chart on the computer at night, and I'd lose that notebook within hours.   I worked for 2 1/2 years as a public relations writer at my former college. Everytime I had an idea percolating for an article I'd wander the offices looking for my coffee cup. When I lost my job due to cut backs, my co-workers took me out to eat for a farewell lunch and handcuffed a coffee cup to my wrist. My boss told me she always knew when I was coming up with a great idea when I started losing my coffee cup.   So I have to accept that record-keeping is not going to be one of the tools that works for me in this weight loss process. Instead of trying to do what I'm not good at, I'm using what I'm good at: writing. I chat with others on lapbandtalk and I write in this blog.   This is also what I try to use with the children I teach. I'm honest with them about their challenges but I also tell them what their strengths are. We need to strengthen our strengths and then use them to help us compensate for our weaknesses.   Thank goodness our Heavenly Father generally gives us a mixture of strengths and weaknesses. That personality type of ENFP sounds wonderful but can be very hard to live with. It can feel like a gift and a curse. I love it and I hate it. But the one who made me loves me the way he made me. And he'll guide me through this phase of my life and walk through every step of it with me. I just have to hang on to his hand.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Post-goal fears

Friday, September 11, 2009   Post-goal fears     I'm really afraid of reaching goal and starting to gain because Im no longer focused on losing. That's what happened to me every time I lost in the past. Once I really got seriously dieting I'd go into hyperfocus on the goal, something ADHD people are good at doing, but once I reached my goal that focus was gone and so was my control.   That's why I'm planning on really tight restriction and getting as much support as I can. I'm hoping to reach goal by Christmas or my birthday (DEC.30) which is all my weight loss in 7 months time, not long enough to have really adopted and adapted to permanant lifestyle change.   My fear is very real and has a basis in reality. The tales of those with WLS (weight loss surgery)who've lost and regained are legend. So I musn't minimize the danger to myself. Perhaps I'll regularly pretend I just got a fill everytime I do gain some weight and do liquids for two days. That seems to get me back on track and will probably result in the scale going down. I usually drop 2 lbs. Then I work to maintain.   I went to Navy Pier with my daughter and two grandsons after school. Took the boys on a boat ride down the Chicago River. Great fun. Tomorrow I'm in an all day praise and worship training seminar or whatever you call it. Should be singing a lot of gospel and contemporary praise songs. Sunday I'm taking care of my grandson's while my daughter runs a mini-marathon in Chicago. Think I'll take some food along tomorrow since I don't know what's being planned for meals.I can usually find something at my daughter's. She doesn't keep treats in the house either. Have a great weekend everyone.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Life After Lapband

Thursday, September 10, 2009   Life After Lapband     I've been so busy!! I don't even know what to talk about. We had our school open house tonight. I had to talk a little bit about my program and introduce someone. Mostly I had to introduce our school's fall project,AOK, Acts of Kindness. Roseland Christian School is having the children do 125 acts of kindness to celebrate its 125th birthday. I also introduced it to the students at a special assembly at the end of the school day and we did a little skit. While I was talking to the kids about the project, a homeless woman (former teacher) came from behind the stage and sat down on the stairs to the stage. Of course, the children's attention was taken from me and I started asking what they were looking at when the homeless woman shook her money can. I turned around, saw her, and asked, "Who's that? What's she doing here?" I kind of shook my head and went back to explaining the Acts of Kindness when she shook her can again. This went on a little bit before I finally debated out loud about giving her my cup of coffee. Then I had a child give her my cup and then I had another child bring a dollar for her can. I finished explaining the acts of kindness and told the kids that when we help or give to others, we might be entertaining angels unawares. It was pretty cool.   I got some great complements from parents I hadn't seen a while. A former student ran into my room to give me a hug and also commented on how skinny I am. I knew I looked pretty good. I had my hair up in its Pebbles Flinstone reincarnation which is like giving myself a natural facelift. I had on blouse that shaded from pink to fucshia and a long skirt that made me look skinnier.   I've stocked my food "pantry" at school with 3 oz. peel-top cans of tuna and chicken as well as protein shakes, peel-top all-natural no-sugar added applesauce and small pop top cans of low-sodium V-8. I also found this Madras lentil and red bean soup in a pouch that you put in a bowl and heat in the microwave. Delicious. I come home not real hungry and have meat and a vegetable for supper. I eat a Kashi bar in the evening for a snack. I drink my decaf lattes throughout the day, and don't crave much. I did have a few cravings last weekend and one day this week. Not having anything in the house to pig out on really helps. I'm not willing to run to the store to get something.   For a while today I was thinking about eating this way the rest of my life and got a little nostalgic for the "good old days." But those days weren't that good. I'm just off the last of my bp meds. Gotta call the Dr. to see what the results of my chem panel were. Maybe I can get off my Crestor and just take my Niacin to help keep my good cholesterol up.   I like looking good; I like feeling good. I like climbing slides and monkey bars with my grandchildren. I like pushing them in their little cars all over the sidewalk and driveways. I like going for long walks along the edge of the forest preserve and watching the deer. I like having the energy to climb stairs at work. I like having great breath control while singing. I like being able to make it through the whole set during the church service without the front of my leg going numb.   When the food calls me I need to weigh what I've got now vs the ephemeral satisfaction of food. I can be so visionary in so many ways and a real big picture person, but with food I could never see beyond the end of my tongue. Maybe if I keep listing all the good things that have happened and give God the thanks every day, I'll be able to think outside the stomach and continue in this lapband journey.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Greek Food and Monkey Bars!

Saturday, September 5, 2009   Greek Food and Monkey Bars!     My first full week of school really kicked my butt--need the extended weekend to recover. Lost a couple more pounds. I brought several items to stock up at school. I love the peel-a-can tunas and chicken. I have some applesauces and low-sodium V-8s. I also have some protein shakes. None of them need refrigerating, they're all pre-measured amounts. So far, that's working great.   Whoo hoo! I'm at a 40 lb weight loss--30 more to go. I tried on the outfit I got married in in 2000 and it fits! Its very elegant and will fit even better by my October reunions.   Went to a Greek restaurant tonight and had my first glass of wine in forever. It tasted really good and I used it to moisten my appetizers since I'm so restricted and I did want to enjoy my food without pb-ing. Had some flaming Greek cheese, some stuffed vine leaves(pork and rice) with yoghurt, and ate some of the spinach filling out of some spanokopitakia or something like that. My husband also ordered a salad and I had a few bites of that. I love sharing appetizers.   My husband is a very slow eater and I used to gobble my food and then have to sit there and wait while he finished eating. It took forever. Now, I'm eating more slowly and much smaller bites than him. I actually ate for an hour and didn't eat too much! What a change.Wonderful food. I only had 2 protein shakes all day so I could enjoy my meal out without guilt. Then we parked where we could walk to downtown Chicago and just walked around enjoying the crowds and the sights. I had walked in the morning for an hour, too, so got plenty of exercise.   I got called to sing on the praise team tomorrow morning so I'll be up bright and early since we practice before the early service. That's always a great start to my Sundays.   Had a granddaughter (3yrs.) demand that her dad take her over to see me, so she was over a few hrs. today. She's a stitch. Talks non-stop. Huge words. Took her to the park and was actually able to go down the slide with her. Haven't done that in a long time. Haven't been able to do that in a long time. I also climbed up a sloping set of monkey bars with railings to show her how to do it. Never thought I'd do anything like that ever again either. I also crawled through a tunnel, but that killed my fake knees.   Hope to see a few more grandchildren this weekend. My mildly autistic grandson is very dear to my heart. He's 4yrs old and I see him and his little brother (2yrs) a lot. They get so excited when they see me. Grandkids are the best therapy.   And now I can play with them better than ever. I think I'll take them to the park and go down the slides with them and climb up the monkey bars (but no tunnels.) I love the new designs for playground equipment. So cool. I'm really into this second childhood thing. Whoo hoo!   God is good, all the time, All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Onederland, Baby!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009   Onederland, Baby!     So I'm now less than 200 lbs. I'm in the 100's. Whoo hoo! Onederland is onederful. I have a college reunion and high school reunion next month and people might actually recognize me without the weight. I feel like I got my face back. It was being held hostage by double chins and fat cheeks. My eyes looked smaller and now they're becoming a bigger, more dominant part of my face the way they used to be. I had long, long hair back in the day and now its at least shoulder length whereas a year ago it was pixie length.   Today, my husband also finished getting the toilet, shower stall, and sink out of the downstairs bathroom, three of the hardest things we needed to get out of the basement preparatory to having Permaseal come in and make us that moat. He also got all the paneling and wallboard and ceiling panels down and got it all hauled away for free by a guy who wanted our old cabinet and sink and helped remove them as well as taking a heavy metal shelf set we got rid of out of the garage. My husband's probably saved us about $2000 by demolishing the whole basement himself. He's saved us the cost of renting a dumpster by making this deal with the garbage picker who wanted our metal shelves. What a relief!   Now I've just got to figure out how to pay for the basement makeover, which job Ken is not even close to qualifying for. First we have to treat the walls with bleach before we cover them up again. Maybe I'll finally be rid of the smell of mold wafting up from the basement. It's not nearly as bad, but its still there.   Taking layers off me, taking layers off the basement. Hope what's under my layers is a lot more attractive than what we've found under the basement layers. Eeuw!   I have blinders on my eyes when it comes to the basement. I just don't look when I go down there and I try very hard not to smell. I think I put blinders on when I looked at myself in the mirror, too. Just don't see what you don't want to see. Lately, my church has been having slide shows of last year's events in order to promote this year's version of those events. There I am, magnified on large screen in all my plump glory in front of the whole congregation. Somehow, I never thought of myself as that fat.   I need those reminders of how bad it got. I know I look much better than before. I don't always trust my eyes because I'm so capable of wearing those blinders. Its a relief when someone notices and confirms what my eyes are telling me.   My body is telling me things are much better. I'm running up and down almost 50 steps at work without getting winded. I walk an hour most days. What used to take me 50 minutes to walk now takes me 40. My blood pressure is wonderful. I think I'll be off all meds for my bp very shortly. Hoping the same for my cholesterol. I feel great. I look a lot better.   For today, that's enough. Onederland, baby.   God is good all the time. All the time God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

4
 

Making a Difference-Why I Got Banded.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009   Making a Difference-Why I Got Banded.     I love having restriction. After a few bites, which I tend to go just a little too fast with because I'm hungry, I feel constriction with some pain. My hint to slow down and eat tiny, well-chewed bites. So I eat a little, wait for a burp, eat a little, wait for a burp. Eventually I get the hiccups, and I wait for them to pass. Now the food is cold. I've begun to lose my taste for it. It's been over 20 minutes since I started to eat so my brain is starting to register fullness. I take another small bite just to see if I want anymore. I have totally lost interest.   I've lost a few more lbs., 38. This morning I hit onederland (when you're under 200 and are in the one hundreds you are in onederland.) I'll officially announce it tomorrow if the scale tells me this was not an aberration. I am down to 1 blood pressure med, 1 cholesterol med, and my anti-inflammatory.   I've been climbing all kinds of steps at the school throughout the day without even thinking about it. Not winded at all. So many advantages to not being able to eat.   School is going well. I'm slowly increasing the number of children I see. Hopefully I'll be able to keep my assistant for two days a week.   Let me tell you the story of one of my former students. Graduated last spring. Came from a difficult home situation. Raised by a foster mother in her 70's who slowly went blind and handicapped from diabetes. Number of other foster kids in family. Foster mom died when he was in 7th grade. One of her relatives took him in, thank God.   Got a request from him to be my friend on facebook. Went to his profile page. Most of his friends so far are former RCS teachers and classmates.   We were one of the most stable parts of his life for most of his young life. That's why I see so many kids at RCS. Many of the chidren I see year after year after year. I build a relationship with them. They don't care about my weight, they just care that I'm there.   Losing the weight makes me more available for them. Please pray that I'll be able to keep working with these kids. Roseland Christian is where my heart is, where my passion lies.   Today we had an unplanned fire drill. I was outside with 2 of my students when the fourth grade class came out. I see a majority of the children from that class. They mobbed me. Almost knocked me over as they all tried to hug me at once.   I love my job.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Educating Primary Care Physicians about Lapband

Sunday, August 30, 2009   Educating Primary Care Physicians about Lapband     As with all surgeries, lapband can result in complications. The band can slip, infection can occur, some people are so good at eating around the band (using slider food) that they gain weight back, or they never go in for their fills. Some Dr.s don't seem to give very good advice to their patients about sticking to higher density proteins and not turning them into slider food by adding things like gravy to them. Some actually recommend that people "prime the pump" with liquid before they eat. Some Dr.s take forever to give their patients a fill that actually acheives restriction.   Not all patients make sure they get the kind of support system they need to achieve success nor do their Dr.s The lapband is a tool not a cure. Other issues need to be dealt with simultaneously. If they're not, the band isn't as successful.   So some primary care physicians seem to only be aware of the failures and are unwilling to recommend their patients for the lapband. They also don't distinguish between gastric bypass which is much more drastic and has many more severe complications and the lapband. They confuse the statistics for the two.   I think a lot of these Dr.s really don't understand the nature of compulsive overeating. They keep thinking that if their patients just listened to them and followed the diets they hand them and had better nutritional education they'd lose the weight. But time and again, nutritional information and closely supervised diets don't help their patients.   Over the years some have prescribed drugs that haven't helped and have actually harmed overweight patients.   When I think of the money and time I spent on Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Tops, OA, Atkins, and some wierd combination of thyroid and speed one Dr. put me on, it makes me angry. I had a Dr. who didn't believe in the band. She thought I could do it myself. I knew I couldn't. I had to go to a new Dr. anyway because of insurance so I tested the next Dr. to see if he recommended the band. With two co-morbidities he took it seriously. He had Dr. friends who did lapband surgery with great success. So he went ahead and recommended me for the surgery which started the year long process of jumping through hoops to get the band.   I'm blessed that I had the persistance to get through that year and that I had a cooperative Dr. My insurance company also sent me to a top-of-the-line specialist. Some insurance companies won't cover the surgery at all. Although I have access to a nutritionist at my surgeon's office, I've found even greater support on lapbandtalk, especially on a thread called I'm here to help...This blog has also proved to be an invaluable ally in my recovery.   A lady at my church who is in much worse shape than me has not been able to get her primary care physician to recommend the lapband. Meanwhile, the meds she's on for her co-morbidities have made her gain even more weight.   People need to explore the risks, the failures, and the successes of lapband surgery before they make a decision. They need to know that its still hard work to lose the weight and keep it off. Their Dr.s should be helping them explore their options and get set up for success if the option for lapband is chosen.   I think the primary physicians need to get more educated, not only about lapband surgery, but about compulsive overeating itself. It is an eating disorder, an addiction, with genetic, biological, emotional, psychological, and spiritual componants that all need to be addressed. The band helps relieve the person of enough of the addiction aspect to let them work on the other aspects.   I had worked for years on all the other componants with counseling, 12-step meetings for food addiction, 12-step meetings for codependency issues, not to mention prayer and Bible reading and Bible study groups. I'd come to pretty good terms with my ADHD/ADD and still I could not succeed in losing and keeping off the weight.   I had a medical condition that needed a medical solution. I hope the woman in my church gets the help she needs. I hope the lapband, if she gets recommended, proves to be the tool she needs like it has for me. She's a precious soul and very much loved and appreciated in my church community. I want her to be around yet for a long time.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

5
 

A Great Weekend

Saturday, August 29, 2009   A Great Weekend     My husband and I went to the Taste of Greece today. The weather was perfect. Not hot at all. Sweater weather with a jacket for evening. We ate some interesting food (spanokopita, saganaki, chicken kabob, gelato) listened to some Greek music, and watched some Greek dancing and a belly dancer. She was not skinny and she was not young but she looked great. All her plumper areas were in the right places and jiggled nicely. She was very graceful and the dance was not overtly sexual. Fun.   The circle dances that those with Greek heritage (and a few without) danced were fun to watch and I loved seeing the Greek costumed dancers do their thing. We also saw the Jesse White tumblers. What a treat. Those kids just flew through the air and wowed the crowd.   It was just plain fun. We were going to stay home and do nothing but then I found out this was happening and we decided to go, spur of the moment.   Its so important to incorporate fun stuff into your life. Spontaneous or planned, it sure beats staying home and smelling the mold drifting up from your basement.   Last night I went to a Tastefully Simple party. I knew there would be some former colleagues attending as well as a few current colleagues. I wanted to connect rather than stay home another Friday night and watch lint grow in my navel. Well, I don't actually do that, but sometimes it feels that way.   So both times I had some food outside my food protocol, but I did not overeat. The band is not meant to keep me from participating in life, and good food is part of life. Its just meant to stop me from going overboard and it did its job.   Meanwhile, my blood pressure continues to drop and I was so excited to wear this really cute pair of jeans I picked up at a thrift store a month ago when they were still too tight for me. Now they're just right. I haven't worn flattering jeans for such a long time. I had a really pretty lavender sweater (that matched the flowers on the jeans) that I picked up at a resale shop a couple of weeks ago--a never worn Ralph Lauren.   Tomorrow morning I'm subbing on a praise team at our church. I haven't hardly sung all summer at church and I was so happy to be asked to sing. I'm probably going to get to sing tenor instead of alto, at least on some songs, and that's exciting, too.   I've been hibernating most of the summer, doing a few fun things here and there but limited by my surgery and getting my food protocol established and, of course, having very limited funds with every extra dollar being spent on getting my basement fixed.   This is just a great weekend.   Last night there was an incident that could have sabotaged some of it, but I spoke up for myself and salvaged a good night's sleep. I had been awakened by neighbors playing loud music and talking and laughing loudly at 4 a.m. in the morning. This house has been empty for over a year but it was recently purchased and the buyer has his kids rehabbing the place. Well, one of the kids decided to have a party. I debated what to do and finally decided to put on my housecoat and flipflops and talk to them. It took a lot of pounding on the door before they even heard me.   Fortunately, the girl was quite embarrassed for waking me up and grateful I hadn't called the police. She immediately turned the music off and made everyone shut up. Maybe they all went home. Anyway, I was able to go back to sleep and, for the first time in a long time, I actually was able to sleep in on a Saturday morning. I had taken extended relief Tylenol the night before in addition to my anti-inflammatory and slept and woke up without pain for a change.   If I hadn't taken the Tylenol, even though the kids had quieted down, I would have had trouble getting back to sleep because by then it was almost 5 a.m. and that's when the discomfort normally starts waking me up.   So I get to sing praise to God tomorrow morning early (7:45 a.m. practice) but I should still be well rested. My blog post is finished and I can go to bed on time. Its only 10:30 p.m. instead of 12 midnight, which is when I usually finished posting all summer long.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
 

Its All Relative

Thursday, August 27, 2009   Its All Relative     Tonight I had my first solid food since getting my fill last Tues. I chewed my chicken to death and did moisten it with gravy. I could feel tightness when I swallowed unless I chewed tiny bites into mush and swallowed only a little at a time. A couple of times I could feel a pb trying to start (productive cough, or as I call it puke back). I wiped the extra saliva out of my mouth and waited it out before cautiously resuming eating.   In case you forgot, food can plug the stoma the band creates and stuff comes back up--especially saliva. The band feels much tighter in the morning so I'll probably do liquids tomorrow but try to eat real food again for supper.   My weight loss has started again. We also realized our blood pressure machine was wrong. We got a new one and its in line with the Dr.s now, and my blood pressure is in normal range with a lot less drugs. My husband found out his blood sugar was higher than mine. Still in the borderline range but barely. So he's cutting way back on carbs and will probably lose more weight.   It is absolutely not fair that men can lose weight so easily. My husband and I are about the same height, I may have half an inch on him, but he has a very slight build. When he gains weight its all in his tummy. The rest of him stays skinny. He also has some of the worst eating habits, barely eating during the day and then eating supper for an hour and dessert or snacks all evenings. (He has modified this because I couldn't take being around so much food all night long.)   His blood pressure and cholesterol are great. The blood sugar is the first sign that his eating habits are starting to cause him trouble. So he threw out all the carbs he had hidden in the house to eat when I'm not around.   When I met him he was a heavy smoker and barely ate except for his snacks. He was so skinny his ribs would poke me when we hugged. I was at a relatively skinny point in my life and was in top shape, walking, swimming, and working the machines at the gym. I went dancing at least once a week. I was still 20 lbs. heavier than he.   He gave up the smoking for me and turned to food and now he's giving up the food. Go Ken!   He's also been dismantling the basement, demolishing all the paneling and ceiling tiles, so that we can get a draintile moat put under the floor to eliminate our water and mold problems. Ken would be the first to admit he's not handy. So far he's stepped on three nails. Fortunately, you only need one tetanus shot. He's doing this for me, too, since I refuse to pay money to have it done. We need the money to pay for the drain tile and possibly a new roof since my current one is leaking again after two days of rain.   That'll pretty much wipe us out and we'll have to slowly redo the basement as savings permit. As long as I have a job, that is. But I can't project too far into the future. We help pay for a child in Kenya to attend school, have a mattress and a lantern to study by, school supplies, a uniform, and one meal a day.   I've walked on Mount Trashmore in the Phillipines and watched the children combing through the trash in unbelievable heat, stench, and humidity for things that could be sold to support their family. These are not people who have to worry about getting a lapband to keep them from eating too much.   Its pretty hard to complain after that. Even when we think we're living in want, we're living in plenty.   Its all relative.   I am content, no matter what my circumstance.
 

New Hope--Second Lapband Fill

Tuesday, August 25, 2009   New Hope--Second Lapband Fill     Had my 2nd fill today. Dr. definitely made sure I'd feel some restriction. I think I'll be on liquids for a few days, until the fat pad around my stomach shrinks enough to loosen the band and let a little food through. Absolutely stopped the cravings I was having. I'm back to sipping tiny little sips. No danger of me eating too much. Protein shakes and water are about all I can get down. Have to drink them very slowly.   I also actually got some work done in my classroom today. I finally got all the class lists, and was relieved to see the number of my students who are returning. I'll be working on the schedule and some testing the next few days. I'll also be contacting parents of kids who were marginal whether they needed to see me or not. It helps my bottom line if I do have at least 2 contacts with them a week, since my program gets paid per contact. But these are parents who don't want their children missing a single thing in order to come to me. Other parents are in denial that their child needs help.   I want to keep an assistant 3 days a week and not have to drop to one or two. There's so much organization and paperwork required and that's not the stuff I'm good at. The more student contacts I have, the more $ come in, the more I can do with and for the students. I have some special computer programs that have been shown to improve kids reading scores by an average of one to two years in just 6-12 weeks. The high number of student contacts I maintain is what has paid for the yearly licenses for those programs and my assistant works with those kids on the computer while I teach the rest of the kids.   I also get parent involvement money and money for group counseling provided for the kids based on the number of students I see.   Its all intertwined. The loss of students at RCS impacts my funding and limits what I can do with the kids.   I know its all in God's hands. I just pray that the NCLB funding will come in and pay for me this year (its not in yet), and that next year the new vendor will hire me.   I've made my classroom such an ADHD/ADD friendly place for myself. A good part of that is my assistant who is really more like my partner. I rely heavily on her advice on how to set things up, and I totally rely on her to keep up with all the forms and files.   Meanwhile thanks to the lapband fill, I'm not eating. I had to fight to get the second fill only two weeks after the first fill. I wanted to start the school year with restriction. I didn't want to have to take off work to get the fill. This fill should last quite a while. It may even be the last one I need. It depends on how loose it gets after I lose the next 35 lbs.   I had a student who didn't recognize me at first today. I had my hair up in it's Pebbles Flintstone do. She's used to me with short hair and a much fatter body. LOL.   I'm also working on my DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) pile of clothes. I'm amazed at how fat women's clothes are designed to accommodate a huge weight range. Most of my pants definitely don't fit me, but the tops don't look too bad. Instead of being stretched around my fat, they now drape around me gracefully. I might invest in a decorative, loose belt to upgrade their style a little. Eventually I'll have to cave and get more clothes but for now I'll make do with these clothes and with my thrift store buys.   Last night I felt somewhat hopeless. The return of my cravings threw me for a loop. In the past they could have been the start of regaining, with interest, all the weight I've lost.   Thank God for the lapband. Life's vicissitudes can't throw me back into the food nearly as easily as they did. My optimism about the school year has returned now that I'm not worrying about the food on top of everything else.   I can do all things, through him who strengthens me, Yes, I can do all things, through him who strengthens me.
 

Discouragement

Monday, August 24, 2009   Discouragement     I'm having a hard time with food tonight. I am absolutely craving chocolate and have eaten two Kashi bars just for the taste of the sprinkling of chocolate chips sprinkled inside them. Before that I had trouble stopping myself from eating chicken. I've been craving chocolate for days. I can't wait for my fill tomorrow. It won't take away the craving but it will help limit the damage. Sometimes I actually overeat good-for-me-stuff in order to avoid pigging out on what I crave.   I've been doing so good. So now I've got to figure out why the cravings are so strong. Well, it seems obvious to me. School starts on Wednesday. I have always used food to help me focus and get on task. I miss my drug. It may be that now that my blood pressure is down and I'm on fewer and fewer meds, I may have to see about going on ADHD meds. They have some new ones out that aren't stimulants.   One of the best adult tests for adult ADHD assesses the following five clusters. These remain in adults as hyperactivity and impulsivity characteristic in childhood ADHD diminish.   •Organizing and activating to work. •Sustaining attention and concentration. •Sustaining energy and effort. •Managing affective interference. •Using working memory and accessing recall.   When I read this yesterday in Psychiatric Times, it was almost more than I could take. I have all five of those symptoms and they are all currently overactive. Chocolate and coffee are particularly effective in self-medicating those symptoms. I drink decaf and I've had very little chocolate since having my lapband surgery. So I'm trying to handle my ADHD without my most effective medicine.   When I was a teenager I lived on chocolate. I never ate breakfast, had a light lunch but ate candy bars whenever available, and ate a hearty supper with chocolate ice cream for dessert. I was very active. When I added coffee in college and as a young mother, chocolate and coffee were my mainstays. I could live my life on chocolate and coffee.   Recently I talked with another bandster who, now that she's lost the weight, lives on chocolate and coffee. She remains very thin. That's an enormous temptation for me. Sometimes I've wondered if I'd mostly eaten that and ate just a little other food, that I might not have gained all the weight. The problem was all the "healthy" food I ate on top of it because I figured I needed the nutrients. And, like today, when I deny myself what I crave, I overeat "healthy" foods.   It's going to be an interesting year. I don't know if there's going to be enough NCLB funding available to keep me and my assistant working. We are paid according to the number of children I see each week. So far, I have no idea how many RCS students are returning. Last year we had 240 total students, this year we are at 140 with school starting in two days. I need my assistant. She does all the paperwork for NCLB, does all the record-keeping and keeps everything organized so I'm free to teach. Last year I cut down to having her two days instead of three, and another assistant two days. This year I won't have the second assistant.   Next year a new vendor will be in charge and is not obligated to hire me. Everytime I walk in my classroom I'm having trouble sitting down and focusing and getting stuff done. I've already talked about how bad my memory's been this summer (and its definitely my working memory, not my longterm that's affected and its affecting my ability to recall information. Well, I can't organize and activate to work, I can't sustain attention and concentration or energy and effort, and I'm not managing affective (emotional) interference.   It will take the pressure of school actually starting to get me to concentrate. That's not unusual for me, to a certain extent it happens every year, but it feels worse this year. So I'm considering medication. Often, for ADHD people, drugs that specifically work on ADHD are necessary to help a person lose weight and maintain weight loss so that they don't use food to self-medicate the ADHD symptoms.   We'll see. I've been on meds before and done very well. But then my blood pressure started going up a little and I panicked. Well, my blood pressure really went up without the ADHD meds as I gained and gained weight. I just hate more Dr.'s visits.   This is my 9th year of teaching at RCS and each year has brought major challenges and I'm constantly adapting to fit the circumstances. The challenge has always helped me to focus. I'm just not sure the challenges I'm facing this year are the kind that will help me focus. I feel like my program is going backwards.   I'm going to see how it goes. I'm scared. All the old feelings of inadequacy about being able to hold down a job are back. So much of my life has been spent hiding my ADHD under a veneer of competency that I couldn't sustain. This job I've done so well because I designed it around my ADHD and haven't tried to disguise it. Now circumstances are changing and its bringing back old fears.   I want to eat.   Lord, I need your help. I'm powerless over food and over my ADHD. I ask you to take over my mind and my stomach. Get me through this time of uncertainty, hold my hand, take care of me. Amen
 

God's Gift of Music

Friday, August 21, 2009   God's Gift of Music     I love to sing. I'm a competent singer. A good choir voice. I can hear harmonies and read harmonies. I'd never embarass myself by going on American or any other Idol. I have a lot of volume in the lower registers and I can sing soprano falsetto. This comes in handy when I sing along with Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons my "song"--Cheri baby.   I don't have a solo voice and I have absolutely no vibrato. My voice has a tendency to crack every once in a while like a teenage boy's voice, right in the middle of a note. I think I damaged my vocal chords yelling too much as a kid. I have to be very careful forcing my voice or I'll end up with a coughing fit. Yet I sing every chance I can get.   Today I went to a special choir practice and my voice really worked for me once it warmed up. I got to sing tenor which I seldom am needed to do, but its probably the best range for my voice. I can't wait for my regular church choir to get started singing. We sing twice a month and I've missed it over the summer. I'm also singing a song with a mass choir of fellow college alumni at Navy Pier in October. How cool is that!   Just think how many singers would never get an opportunity to use their voices if it weren't for church choirs and praise teams. Just think how much less music there would be in the world if it weren't for Christianity and those who celebrate their faith in song.   When I'm singing hymns and praise songs and gospel songs, I don't think about eating at all. When we do worship on Sunday morning, I am always filled with such joy and gladness, sorrow for sin, and hope for eternity. I connect with God on a very visceral level. I move with the music and my whole being comes alive with praise.   I heard some old curmudgeon say that music has become idolatry in church, that we worship the music. He's probably not very musical. I always feel like I'm most connected to God when I'm singing. Music leads and points the way to God.   Listening to incredibly beautiful voices soaring in harmony or alone can bring me to tears and I worship the one who gave us such incredible gifts. Art can do the same thing to me.   I've also written two songs, or should I say they wrote themselves and I woke up with them. Now that was a shock. Especially the first time it happened. I'm used to my husband waking up with songs and following me around the house and even into the bathroom singing them to me before I've even had a chance to clear my throat. So when I woke up with a song, I couldn't wait for him to wake up! Payback time!   Actually, that first time, I woke up with the melody and was trying to think what song it was, because I often wake up with songs in my head, and then I started hearing the harmony and after playing it for my husband on the piano, realized I'd composed it and hadn't heard it anywhere else. A few days later the words started coming. Everytime I thought I was done writing the words and would get up to clean the house, a new verse would come to me and I'd have to sit down to type it out. It was like trying to get out of the bathroom when you have the stomach flu.   The songs were praise songs. One is supposed to someday be performed by my church choir (Living Springs Community Church). The other one may be performed by the Roseland Christian School choir. The director there really likes the song.   I'm 57 years old. Writing songs was not a gift that I knew I had. To have it come out now and to have some very talented choir directors like them and work on arranging them astonished me.   God is full of surprises like that. He likes to give us good gifts. He wants to make use of our gifts. Sometimes he awakens gifts we didn't even know we had.   The second song God gave me this past spring. It's based on Phillipians 4:11-13. It's been a mainstay for me while going through lapband surgery and making the lifestyle changes to accompany it. It also plays through my head when I smell my rotten moldy basement that we won't be using for a year or two while we slowly renovate.   It plays through my head when I think of how the funding to keep me in my job might not be available next year, that the new vendor might not want to employ me. It plays through my head when I'm stuck at home all the time because we've no money to go anywhere or buy anything.   These are the words:   Don't wanna be a superstar Don't need to drive a brand new car I am content   Yes, I am content no matter what my circumstance I am content no matter what my lot. I know what it means to live in want or have plenty. I know the secret of being content Is I can do all things Through him who strengthens me. Yes, I can do all things Through him who strengthens me.   Don't need to have a mansion or wear the latest fashion I am content.   Yes, I am content, etc.
 

Don't Forget the Gifts

Thursday, August 20, 2009   Don't Forget the Gifts     In a lot of ways I've been using this blog to take inventory--particularly inventory of those things that have contributed to my food addiction. But no inventory is complete without looking at those areas of strength that I can draw on to help me successfully manage this disease.   How do I do that without either false modesty or hubris?   I think for this post I'll stick to one trait I believe God has blessed me with and uses in ways that sometimes leaves me in awe. I believe in certain areas, God gives me vision and persistance in pursuing it. I do some footwork and God opens a door. I do some footwork and God opens another door. Eventually the vision gets passed to others who then bring it to fruition. These are usually in areas of ministry.   Today was a day in which one such vision came to fruition. A few years ago I became aware of a system of raising and teaching kids called Love & Logic. I'd heard about it in passing, then while searching for a speaker for a parent involvement seminar I saw something about a person who gave talks on Love & Logic. I had funding for him to come and talk and I also purchased books to give to parents who came.   I became convinced that I and my school needed to adopt Love & Logic as their system of discipline rather than the somewhat haphazard and often old school methods I'd been raised in like hollering and arguing and lecturing that are even more ineffective with today's children than they were with me.   Today, after four or five year of footwork, our entire teacher inservice was devoted to training in Love & Logic. Our new principal is squarely behind it, a veteran Roseland school teacher who was sent to week long training in Love & Logic through funding I'd uncovered gave the presentation using materials purchased with funding I'd uncovered. The vision has taken on a life of its own, and Roseland will be much better for it.   Many of you have checked out the video of Arthur Patrick, now called Testimony of a Student, http://www.WeAreRCS.com/testimony-of-a-student, that I included in some previous posts. I knew some of Arthur's story and had worked with him for four years bringing up his math and reading scores. I knew he had made tremendous progress and I thought his story might be worth telling from a public relations viewpoint.   I tested Arthur and compared his entrance scores in fifth grade to his current scores, interviewed his mother and foster mother, and wrote up their story for the promotions committee. Another member of the committee, who'd been hearing about Arthur from me and who was making these videos for Roseland wanted to interview Arthur for one of the videos. If you've seen the video, you know what a powerful story it turned out to be. This video was used at our 125th anniversary celebration and has become a powerful fundraising tool for the school.   Arthur, by the way, after his story was made known, was given the Most Improved Academic Achievement Award by our local district councilwoman. He was surprised with it at graduation. I cried. He was also given a scholarship to an Entrepreneurship Camp this past summer.   This time the results went way beyond what I'd only vaguely envisioned.   I've said before that ideas fly from me like confetti. Every once in a while one of them sticks and grows and takes on a life of its own. I'm not sure what my part in that is. Sometimes the vision for what could be is given to me so clearly and other times its vague, but I believe God uses me as a catalyst. I can be relentless, like water dripping on stone, for a cause I believe in. I can stay focused and even organized enough to do the footwork when God gives me the passion to pursue a vision. I know when the vision is God-breathed when God keeps cracking doors open for me to walk (and sometimes push) my way through.   Getting the lapband has some of that feel to it. It took from June 2008 to June 2009 to go through the process of getting approved. It had been on my mind a lot longer than that. I kept doing the footwork because I had a vision of a healthier me, a me that would be able to continue to pursue visions for what my students and what their school could become.   In the process I acquired another vision: a vision for what telling my story as a recovering Christian food addict, who chose lapband surgery as a tool in that recovery, could do for other Christians and for those who are not yet Christian, as well as what it could do for me and my recovery.   Again, my ability to focus--even hyperfocus--when I am passionate about a vision kicked in. I've come up with a post almost every night since before my surgery. Many people not only view my blog on this site, but I copy and post it to two other sites as well where it is read by many people. I've heard from enough people to know that my blog is helping many, and even those not affected by food addiction have found inspiration.   And God gave me another gift. He's allowed me to use my gift for writing, to dust if off, polish it up, and let it shine before other people. People like to pretend that they just write for themselves. The fact is, when we write, we are always envisioning an audience. Thank you for being my audience.   Vision, passion, persistance, catalyst, writer--God's good gifts.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
 

Half Way There!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009   Half Way There!     I've reached the halfway point! Whoo-hoo!   Thirty-five pounds lost. Thirty-five to go. People are starting to notice. The ones who know I've had lapband often seem hesitant to say something. Others seem puzzled. I've also been growing my hair out and its quite long. So they don't always know what's different about me or what to choose to comment on. Plus, people are no longer sure whether its OK to comment on someone's weight. Complementing someone on losing means they were too heavy before. I enjoy watching people's faces and seeing their dilemma over what to say if anything.   For a while, it was like the fatter I got, the shorter I cut my hair. Now its long enough to put into a Pebbles Flintstone pony tail. All I need is a bone. That was definitely not a cute look when I was heavier, but I kind of like it now. It gives me an instant facelift. Its also cool on these hot days. When its down around my shoulders and framing my face it feels like a soft cloud. I love my hair right now.   Found an outfit in my closet from a few years ago that I hung on to that fits me right now. Kind of Hawaiian. I wore it to a meeting with some coworkers who haven't seen me since May. It was fun to wear something I haven't been able to wear for several years.   I've been looking for clothes at thrift stores to supplement some of my older clothes. I have no intention of spending much money on clothes that might not fit for long. I don't like to shop very much and searching through racks and racks of poorly organized clothes drives me a little crazy, but it sure saves me money.   I did go to one store that's run by mostly Dutch people. Now there, I think they measure the clothes to get the size if its missing, all sizes are in the right place, clearly marked, and you could eat off the floors.   I like reinventing myself. This is just exterior stuff. Its like playing dress up. New body, new clothes, new hair.   Changing the inside, that's a little more work. But I'm doing it. My health is better. I'm off 3 1/2 scripts and 2 supplements. My neck is giving me less trouble. I'm sleeping better.   I'd also say that I've really been dealing with all the issues behind the eating. Guilt, shame, resentment, codependency, ADHD/ADD, emotional eating. Complex issues that all affect compulsive eating.   But today was for celebrating. For counting my blessings. For thanking God for 35 pounds lost and getting half way to goal. Yea God. Yea Cheri. Hip, hip, hooray.
 

Eating Resentment

Tuesday, August 18, 2009   Eating Resentment     Resentments. Everyone has them. Sometimes they fester and turn into an infection. They can poison your mind, poison your outlook, poison your whole life. I have mine, but one of the blessings of being ADHD for me is being unable to carry a memory long enough to build a resentment. Usually.   I can almost always see the pitiful, miserable motivations of the people trying to hurt or undermine or control me or a situation. Those, I think, are the things that tick me off the most--put-downs, sabotage, and attempted mind or behavior control.   Generally I let go of that anger, except when, because of a relationship of some sort--relative, co-worker, friend--that person makes a regular habit of it. Over time, though I may have trouble recalling specific incidents during good times, if that person does something again, the anger that comes up triggers my memories and the new resentment gets piled on the old. I have to say that I don't keep friends who hurt me. Relatives and co-workers aren't so easy to get rid of.   Even then I tend to practice the philosophy, "Leave them alone and they'll come home, dragging their tails behind them." (Sorry, Bopeep)   However, repeated stupidity, bad decisions, or actions that impact how I live my life, things that can't be fixed by "I'm sorry!" are some of my worst resentments. A lot of times there's nothing I can do to change what happened. It just seems so unfair that I have to live with the consequences of another's bad choices.   When those choices turn out to be a pattern, then I could kick myself for not acting sooner to confront the pattern of behavior or for not taking back responsibility for what's been mismanaged before it ended up causing so much damage. I trusted where I shouldn't, ignored warning signs because I hate confrontation, and I didn't take my power back before major damage occurred.   These are resentments that I practice letting go, but I do it like you drop a yo-yo and let it spin on the end of it's string. Should that person behave in that way again, I can yank that yo-yo right back up into my hand and feel that resentment all over again.   I hate confrontation and generally avoid it at all cost. I'm not good at it either and am seldom able to really get down to the nitty-gritty and and hold a mirror up to that person so that they see for themselves the trouble they've caused. That's because I'm not God. I just want to, and sometimes do, yell at the person. Then, of course, instead of looking at themselves and maybe changing at a core level, they get mad at me and feel self-righteous. Or I say very little and my anger comes out in time by being mean over little things. Or I just avoid being around that person unless there's a lot of other people around to cushion me from them.   Normally, I'm able to talk about other's problems and tend to freely over-give advice like a food sample server at Costco--except when I've been hurt. Then I can't seem to find words to tell that person how much I've been hurt or how angry I am about that person's actions or words. I pretend that it made no impact.   That's not all bad. I pull up my big girl panties and start repairing the damages and getting my life back on track. I don't get mired down in recriminations.     The fact is that life is a much better teacher of lessons than I am. Sometimes I'm able to speak up and say what needs to be said. But its not my gift. What seems to work for me is praying for that person. I pray that God will teach them the lessons they need to learn--that they will develop insight into themselves and see what changes they need to make or actions they need to take. I pray the same for me. That can be a very scary prayer because you never know how God will do that.   In the past, internalizing that anger at people I love would drive me into the food. I ate my resentments. And they didn't taste good or digest easily. To use an old saying, "It sticks in your craw."   Until God unties my tongue and gives me wisdom in "carefronting" people, I find that praying for them works a lot better than eating. I'm seeing changes in people without my input. When I keep silent about an issue and don't give feedback or advice, or tell someone that I have no idea what to say or do, or I change the subject, that person is left to deal with it him or herself. I give them no target to attack.   When I was in Alanon, a sponsor taught me the resentment prayer. I had to say 3x in a row, 3x/day, "God bless (?) twice as much as me and grant him/her health, happiness and prosperity." I often then went on and prayed the Aaronic blessing on them: God bless you and keep you and make his face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you, and give you his peace (not exact wording but that's ok.)   The fact is, the people I resent may have caused harm to me, but I have caused harm to them with my resentments, and more than that, I've caused harm to myself. I forgive them, not for their sake, but for my own. In forgiving them I make amends to them but also to myself. I want God to bless me and keep me and cause his face to shine upon me and be gracious to me and grant me his peace. Resentment just gets in the way.
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