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ramblin' ramblin' rambin'

Nothing special planned for the weekend. I was going to spend some quality time with WoW, World of Warcraft, if everything co-operates. Hope to get a movie in on Sunday afternoon.   I spent about and hour this afternoon trimming bushes and waging war against the blackberries. Oh the Blackberries! Nothing says "abandond property" like blackberries! Sure the English Ivy will take over almost as fast, but some how it looks genteel as opposed to abandonded and unloved. But I topped off the giant yardwaste bin (not composing because of the blackberries) and a medium sized garbage can (again, not composting because of the blackberries.)   It's almost 3 am and I'm wide awake. I've been up since 7am and good grief. Kind of figures that the day I take a break from testing I'd be up all night. I don't care! I'm making a break from the Tyranny of the Jug!   Still no word from Chris at OHSU, I had called thrusday morning and left a message, I had hoped that she would call, but no such luck. *sigh*   I heard back from my niece tonight. I strongly suspect that she too has Cushing's. She saw her PCP, and he send her to an Endo requesting RUSH testing. She actually saw the Endo the next day. Doesn't look good, Her hump isn't humpy enough, she's not weak enough, her stria isn't red or wide enough, but he did order some blood tests and a UFC.   My son came home bragging that he'd gotten to see a Pirate rock band at the local mall. Every Friday they have live music on the stage, as well as several other nights, and tonight they had a group called Captain Bogg & Salty Spud and his girlfriend BabyGirl (I"m working on a new nickname for her, this week I'm calling her BabyGirl) bought all their CDs and had a really great time. Apperently they group had a FisherPrice, My First Mosh Pit... When I ripped the CDs to my harddrive it came up as Children's genre, so there were lots of kids in the audience. So there you go.   I'm detecting a theme to his latest gifts to me.. Pirate CD (but not pirated one ), pirate playing cards, pirate rubber ducky, and my very own tooba pirates... Well, I'll be well prepaired for International Talk Like a Pirate Day, Sept 19th. (I'll be having my 3rd anual Pirate party... on 9/16, since ya can hardly have a rip-roaring Pirate party on a Tuesday Depending on how I feel tomorrow I might see if I can get my husband to take me to the SeaFair Pirates landing. Yeah, like I can handle the crowds... LOL!
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

4
 

freaker/tweaker

I've had three of these episodes now, where I'm a freaker/tweaker for 2-4 hours, but it seems longer.   I just need to know that someone else experiences something similar to this, to know that I'm not alone.   I become frantic, frenetic, like every molicule in my body is vibrating at double what it should be. Can't think, can't make a coherent sentence, can only shake and pace and move and tweak. The first time I was a little euphoric, but the last two times I felt out of control in a bad way.   I don't doubt that If Iwas in public when this happens that I'll be arrested for public intoxication use of meth, or speed or crack. And not in a good way either.   This goes way beyond being "normally" Cushie energetic. There is no way I can get anything done, it's all I can do to not start screaming or yelling. I spent over an hour walking in a circle in my kitchen. I'd get dizzy, so I'd switch and walk the other way. I ended up leaving the house and walked around my block twice, at a speed-walker pace, crying all the while, tears streaming down my face. I'm sure the neighbors were alarmed at my erratic behaviour. *I* was alarmed.   When I"m in the teeth of one of these episodes I cannot hold a rational conversation. I can't even follow a simple one, not really. I repeat myself. I'll say the same thing two or three times, usually the end of the sentence I'm trying to say.   I also get TERRIBLY thursty, and end up drinking a couple quarts of water in one go.   Last week when this happened, I was in the middle of my 32 hour blood draw, and ended up with an ACTH of 59 and 60. Chris at least got to see how bad I was, at my very worst.   I called Chris, not sure how I managed to punch the buttons since my hands were shaking so bad. She told me to start yet another UFC, do a salivary, and get a blood draw at the end of the UFC. I dont' want to test anymore! I wanted it to STOP! I don't want to have another one of those episodes EVER. But all Chris could do was tell me to test. Of course, I wouldn't have ever thought to test while I was in the middle of that. Even though it's happened three times now, it would have never occured to me to test.   When I had regained my brain, after I stopped tweaking, I told my son that he was going to have to make me a drink. He was going to have to feed me rum until I stopped tweaking. I know that alcohol and Cortisol "eat" each other. I just feel like I cannot go through another one of those episodes. I just cannot face it. I know it is a danger signal to think in "black and white" concepts, but I'm just so terrified of those episodes.   But what also frightens me is the thought of the crash that is bound to follow, either this afternoon or tomorrow. Where I'll lose conciousness, where I'll have "extreme weakness" with the crushing pain of the headaches and the back pain will burn my very soul.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

4
 

benign breast mass

well, the mass in my breast is benign. The whole process was so painful, and I ended up with tears streaming down my face as she mashed my breast in the machine.   I don't know if there will be a bruse, but I'll be surprised if there isn't one.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

4
 

Ah-hah, mystery explained

Q: I'm just wondering if we know why we don't lose weight. Why we can't lose weight? As you know, I spent a month at less than 700 calories a day, an managed an impressive 1.5 pounds lost. Which I promply gained when I went to 1000 calories a day. Can someone point me to some links? (and also hopefully break it down so I can understand it when I'm in a brain fog.)   Is it true that excersize increases cortisol levels or production?   This is the information I got from my Cushing's board http://cushings.invisionzone.com/index.php?showtopic=17111&st=0&gopid=145400entry145400 (might need to register to view the thread.) LynneC is one of the long time Cushing's board member, and a great all-around resource.  
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

3
 

AI part II

Well, I feel like I've been put through the wringer.   For a couple of weeks I was on a heck of a High. Or at least it feels that way. Sunday I was raging around for no good reason, felt like a bear someone was poking with a sharp stick. I've learned that a crash soon follows these rages, but crap! Monday I couldn't sleep and got up really early on Tuesday but felt really tired in the afternoon. I took a nap, and new a crash was eminent.   Oh man, but I sure wasn't expecting the crash I had. I rarely remember having any dreams when I nap, but yesterday was way out. New I was introuble in the dream. Got freezing cold, terrible drunk feeling with the spins and everything. I woke up and dry heaved for a while, terrible itching. But the worst was having the right side of my face... melt, along with slurring speach.   I had my son call Chris, and my husband. Chris had my son drive me to the ER and to not wait for my husband to get home. So my boys took me, and I waited in the ER for almost an hour to get a bed, and I waited almost 2 hours before I was able to get something to help with the nausia and the seering headache and flank pain.   They did a CT of my head, and it showed no problems. All in all I spent a almost 6 hours in the ER.   I placed several calls to various doctos, but no one as called me back yet.   I sure wish I knew what was "urgent" and what is just bad.   So, I've had three of thse in the last while. Two trips to the ER in the last four weeks. This one was worse than the last one.   I've been High for the last couple of weeks, and except for the bad parts, like the rage and anxiaty and general pissiness, I prefer the Highs to the Lows. I think being High for so long made the crash all that harder because I was hit bottom so hard.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

3
 

swinging High

I'm now higher than not, but not yet high enugh to do more testing.   It's sort of facinating, in a Dr. Spock sort of way, to watch every mood, every physical symptom, charting it to determine where I am. Sometimes I wonder if people are really supposed to be so in-touch with our bodies, and othertimes I wonder why everyone isn't so in-touch.   The last two weeks have been physically difficult. I've been in a low, but thankfully not as low as I was in June. No adreanal failure, knock on wood, but I was very low nonetheless. The last couple of days I've had terrible kidney pain, an 8.5 or 9 on the 10 painscale. I suppose I should have called Dr. L, but I didn't. I'm so tired of doctor visits, I want a normal life. But I have no idea what that is like. I remember when I was in my 20's that I had so much energy, so much ... life. I can only hope that the headaches stop once I have the pit surgery.   This morning when I got up my face was very puffy. My eyes looked like I have a bad case of poison oak, which in a very weird and twisted way is a good thing because it lets me know that I'm going to be a screaming maniac soon. The bruise from my last accupuncture treatment still hasn't healed, but then again, I am not really expecting it to since it's only been a week.   I have the will to do things, which is another sign that I'm heading high. Yay! But unfortuantely, I don't have the stamina. The lows leave me so weak. I'ts like I have Addison's on top of the Cushings, which is all part of the magic of Cyclical Cushings. I either have too much or not enough. Overdose of cortisol or withdrawl from it, with now a week or so in the middle where I feel somewhat normal.   I've done a few load of laundry today, which is great for several reasons, the least of which is that I need clean panties! The key is to not over do, which is such a delicate balance. When I feel good I want to do all the things that I don't have the energy to even think about when I'm low.   I suspect I have a CSF leak, which considering I haven't had the surgery is a bad thing. Well, a CSF leak is never a good thing, ever. Last month while we wer in Seaside I had the leaky feeling, and again on Sunday. It just isn't normal to have your nose suddenly leak when you bend over. It usually happens when my headaces are at their worst, and then I'll do something like bend over to pick something up off the floor, or I'll sweep up something into a dustpan... and then I'll feel something tear loose and my nose will run. It doesn't taste like snot, sort of salty and bitter. Again, it's weird to be so in-touch with my body that I know when the flavor of my snot is wrong.   So, the wather is supposed to be getting hot, just in time for me to be heat intolerant. Funny how that works. Oh well, it will all to my stress.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

3
 

down 5 pounds this week

Ok, I have to laugh, really really hard. I had all the fill removed from my band, because of the nausia I've been fighting, so I don't have the extra protection from over-eating. (the band is purely restrictive) I've been on a rip-roaring High and so I expected to be gaining weight. I also have been drinking Rum and light fruit beverages, becuase I wanna. I've also been eating ice cream and pasta. Yes, that's right, I've been eating pasta this week! Pasta and bread, everyday! :hungry:   I'm down 5 pound this week. :cool:
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

3
 

performance enhancing drugs...

It seems like the only sports stories I hear about are the scandals involving professional athletes and steroids and/or performance enhancing drugs. It got me thinking. How can I personally relate these stories with my life?   Imagine if you will, that I am a world famous athlete. I’m one of the world’s top baseball players. Never mind that in reality I’m recently 44, 5’4” with frizzy hair and I’m shaped like a baseball… Why, even my face is shaped like a baseball… Anyway, someone gets suspicious… my bat’s on fire, and I hit for the cycle almost every game! Hey battah-battah!   My batting average gets better and better, until finally, the baseball commission finally has no option, they must test me for steroids and performance enhancing drugs. Bad news for me! The blood tests come back and my testosterone comes back “freakishly high” and I’m clearly on steroids… They are even starting to affect my life off-field, getting into fights…
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

3
 

Holy meth-addict Batman!

I got my resutls from Chris yesterday, before I became a raving lunatic.   7/21 299 7/22 292 7/23 171 7/25 61.2   So, I'm not surprised that I felt so horrible when I dropped. I had a drop of 230 in a matter of days. I have no doubt that I dropped further than that.   I am still working out when I'm High. I thought I had figured this out perfectly, but as it turns out, I apperently get really 'roid ragy *just* after I peaked.   Previously I've been testing just one day, when I felt I was at my highest, when I was at my most crazy pissed-off lunatic. If this last testing phase holds true, where I tested for several days starting when I thought I was entering my High, then I should be testing before I think I'm High, I should start testing when I'm swinging High.   It might be that when you think you are swinging you are actually higher, and when you think you are high, you are dealing with the flood of cortisol in your system.   Just a thought anyway. But I also have heard other cyclical cushies say that the thought they were low when they were high.   I really think the only way to know when you are where is to test. If nothing else, it gives you a baseline so that you know that when you feel X, your numbers are probably within Y range.   Now, as to being a lunatic yesterday. Holy meth-addict Batman!   Yesterday morning I still felt really bad, nausious, back hurting like a mutha-fucker. I spent all weekend sucking down phenegrin and vicodin. Well, not so much the pain killers, just power through that pain, but then it got the point of am I nausious because of the pain, or am in in pain from the nausia? That didn't make any sense, how could one be in pain from the nausia, so I figured the pain was making things worse. Anyway. I felt like dog-pooh all weekend. Friday was really bad because I felt like I had my HIGH and Low both together. I felt so bad no WoW for me!   I did manage some PvP in the battle grounds, I lost my Blood Guard rank with Palan, and I really need to work on getting my tier 1 Beastmaster kit. But I ran some lowbies through some dungeons to help them with their quests. Mike was amazed that I was able to one-shot just about everything in the Wailing Caverns. I really want to both work on my Beastmaster Kit, but I also want to drag Karada up so we can do instances together again, where we both will get benifit. :clap2:   Ohh, nothing like a little ADD thrown in the mix! Okay, back to yesterday. ... I felt crappy all morning, then about noon I started to feel better, then by 1 or 2 in the afternoon I felt GREAT! I mean, really, really good. I had lots of energy, but by 3... I started feeling like I had almost too much energy, if that was possible. Like I'd had 2 or 3 Red Bulls one right after another.   Time seemed to dialate, like I was moving faster than everything around me. I tried to type out something on my Cushing's board, to see if anyone had similar symptoms, but I couldn't type, my fingers were moving too fast, and it was just ... wrong. I had way more energy than I should have.   I went for a super fast walk around the block, I was almost running, but power walking for sure. Then I started in on the yard work again. Then I made my son get the presure washer out and move it so I could pressure wash the front and side walk ways. I was completely out of control.     I crashed out for a couple of hours, until about 8pm, and then was up for several more hours. I went to bed about 1:am, but I was still buzzing. I didnt' want to get up because Iwas enjoying snuggling with Mike. I missed him while I was sleeping outside.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

2
 

how much worse?

The last couple of weeks have been rough, and they are getting worse for me. I feel like I'm on a high steroid taper for asthma, but instead of tapering, it's getting worse, and I'm not talking any steroids.   I also look like I'm on steroids. And it's getting worse. When I shampooed my hair yesterday, I had enough leftover hair to make a mouse. I've always had really super thick hair, but now its falling out fast. I'm freaked out, which doesn't help my stress levels.   But probably the most disturbing thing is that I'm turning into a screaming harridan. I am so close to bitting anyone's head off for no good reason other than they looked at me funny. I'm afraid to go out into public for fear that I'm going to really hit someone.   I feel like I've hit critial mass, but things are getting worse.   I've tried chamomile tea, bio-feed back, walking, but nothing is helping. I'm pissed off at the world and ready to pick a fist-fight over a parking space.   This is NOT me! I'm normally so laid back that I'm practially asleep. My husband was 30 minutes late lastnight and I was ready to rip him a new one.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

2
 

My complete list of NSVs

Here is my complete list of NSVs (non-scale victories) today. Since I am not seeing any change in the scale, I decided that I needed to review my progress, to see how my life has changed since March 14th, 2005. Because I was so distraught earlier this week because I listened to the damn scale, I decided I needed to list them all in one place.   If you are not currently tracking your NSVs, I really want all y'all to start tracking them. Besides, when we are all invited to the Oprah show we need to have some evidence besides what the scale says, right?   My most important NSV is that I haven't died from respiratory failure.   03-27-2005, 11:04 AM I finally have an NSV! my rings fit again! And I don't have the terrible edema problem I developed over Christmas any more! Woot! Two NSVs for week two!   03-29-2005, 08:18 AM This is a gi-normous NSV. I haven't used my inhaler in five whole days! As many of you know, I have terrible acute and chronic asthma. Five days before my band installation, I had to be taken to the ER via ambulance. My asthma was one of the main reasons I got the band, that whole prospect of death by respiratory failure just didn't appeal to me. (..."I want a death by misadventure) My book bag doesn't seem as heavy as it was before I was banded. (and I do almost all my walking with that book bag) It doesn't hurt to stand at the sink when I do the dishes anymore. I believe it is because I can get closer to the sink because my tummy is smaller. I've lost an inch from my waist! Speaking of inches lost, I've lost a total of 11 from my entire body.   03-30-2005, 06:29 PM another day, another NSV! I ran up a flight of stairs this evening. I didn't even realize what I had done until after I had done it! And my had my 20 pound backpack on. I wasn't even winded when I got to the top either!   New crop of NSVs 4/5/05 Okay, one of the women in my math class wanted to know how much weight I’ve lost. “You’re looking good! How much have you lost?” My purple robe fits me! My jeans slide off my butt!   New NSV 5/7/5 Monday will be my eight week bandiversary. All my pants have been very baggy, so today I tried on a pair of pants I haven't been able to fit for 4 years and I could button them! Size 22 black jeans.   05-10-2005, 07:44 AM Sunday night I woke up because I was laying on something hard. I figured that I must have rolled over on a book or something like that. (I sometimes fall asleep reading). I felt around in the dark, but I couldn't find anything that didn't belong in my bed. The hard thing? it was my ribs.   05-19-2005, 11:20 AM the other day the weather was on the wet side, so I zipped my jacked. Just like that, without even a second thought, zuup up the zipper went. And then it hit me. I. Zipped. My. Jacket! No wiggling, no struggling, no thought! Holy weight-watchers Batman!   05-24-2005, 11:56 AM I got a great NSV Sunday night when I got home. My sweet son wanted to know how I was doing, with the band. We've been apart since I got my band 10 weeks ago. He said I looked really good, and that my face was full of life, and that I was glowing. Then I had to chase him down the stairs and out the front door, and around the truck. I RAN down the stairs, I RAN around chasing him until we nearly collapsed laughing!   06-21-2005, 10:09 PM Today I wore a pair of jeans I haven't been able to fit into since 2002. Today I walked 15 minutes to and from the restaurant for lunch, and I wasn't winded, and I didn't need my inhaler. Today I took a walk with my son and he had to tell me to slow down (of course the silly boy wasn't wearing any shoes...) Today I went grocery shopping after work, and then DID NOT collapse on the sofa all night.   06-23-2005, 11:23 AM Another day, another NSV. Today, not only am I wearing for the first time, a shirt I got for Christmas, but I RAN FOR THE BUS. Yes, you read that correctly, I RAN for the bus. It's not like there wasn't another bus in 5 minutes... but I RAN. Me! and I wasn't winded either! Heh, sure, I'm happy with all my NSVs but a part of me is wondering when I'm going to start having some weight loss!   06-26-2005, 09:40 AM And here I was, worried that I'd never have any NSV when I started this journey... Today, I needed a belt! Now, I'm not in any real danger of pulling a Jonathan in the grocery store, but my pants are uncomfortably loose. I didn't even think that was possible! So, I dug out an old belt that I haven't been able to wear and it fit! 1 notch down, 13 more to go!   07-13-2005, 08:29 PM Major NSV time! I had to get a pair of Khakis for my trip to NY this weekend. I was told "brown khakis" which don't really exsist... Anyway, I digress. I tried on a pair of 22, thinking they might fit. Nope, too baggy. I tried on a pair of 20s! They were on the baggy side! I got a pair of 18s, and they fit! I fit into a size 18 today!!!!! Okay, I didn't buy them because they were not pretty, but I could put them on! Oh my gawd, oh my gawd, oh my gawd! A size 18! I haven't been able to squeeze my pretty little self into a size 18 since my baby was small! Oh sure, my jeans aren't a size 20, but still! It looks like I'll be bringing some clothes to the Las Vegas Bash after all!   07-28-2005, 10:17 AM Okay, I apparently gained 3 pounds but I lost another notch on my belt! Woot! Maybe the best one of all... This morning I realized that I will never go hungry again. (it's a wolves thing)   08-07-2005, 11:28 PM This weekend at the Beach I discovered that forgot a jacket. So I had to buy a new one. I picked up a 2x and it fit fine. A little roomy but that's okay. Wait a second... The sleeves are a bit long. Let's try the XL. I know, I know, an XL? That’s crazy talk. Hey! This XL is pretty roomy... but the sleeves fit. So, I had this totally insane idea... What would happen if I try on a Large? oh, it's never going to fit, it won't even zip up. Nah.. I'm too fat for a LARGE. oh my gawd, she's actually going to try to put on a LARGE jacket??? What, is she nuts? Is she a glutton for punishment? No! She's the proud owner of a powder blue fleece Long Beach Washington jacket!!! SIZE LARGE   8-11-2005 I am not hording food anymore.   8-14-2005 I just realized that on my cross country flight to Syracuse NY I did not need a seatbelt extender. Not only did I not need one, I actually had wiggle room in my seat.   8-21-2005 Well, my NSV has to do with my hording. I gave 2.5 big black lawn & leaf bags of clothes to the help house. I was going to bring them to the bash, but I felt that they were more needed here. I got rid of them while packing to return to exile.   8-22-2005 back to school, and I fit into the desks so well my tummy doesn't even touch the table! No squishing into the desks!   8-25-2005 I just realized that I didn't have any trouble with the change in altitude or the change in heat this year. For the last 2 years going from temperate Seattle to the extremes of Pocatello were very hard on me. A week after being here I ran up 2 flights of stairs in the COB without being terribly winded or needing my puffer. I also have been handling the heat just fine. Of course, having an AC sure helps...   8-30-2005 I had to go buy a big skirt for my Middle Eastnern Folk dance class... Yeah, they don't want us to call it "belly dancing" here, they feel it has "negative connotations." Yeah, what ever, it's belly dancing. I went to several stores trying to find a skirt that would match the requirements, let alone worry about the size thing... So at the 4th and final store I found one, a cocoa dip-dyed skirt. The biggest one was a LARGE, so I wasn't too hopeful. But I was brave and went to try it on. IT FIT! I just bought a size LARGE skirt. Not 2X, not XL, but just LARGE!!!   Mind you, when I bought my Large jacket, I really suspected that the label was wrong, that it had been marked Large in error at the factory, an that it was some sort of cosmic joke on me. Sort of like that pair of size 18 pants that I was able to fit into (didn't buy but that's a different story). I felt that was in error as well. Maybe it wasn't an aberation, maybe it's the truth.   I feel like I have no restriction at all. I still haven't lost any more weight, but I'll take my size shrinking.   My other NSV is a medical one, and has to do with my leg skin graphs. In about 2001 I had a revision of one of my skin graphs from my motorcycle accedent. Every day since the revision, I had to wrap my leg in an ACE wrap to give it support so it wouldn't blow-out. I had such bad edema that if I didn't wrap it, it would buldge out quite a bit because of the nature of the graph. I stopped needing to bind my leg a couple of months ago. I simply don't need to any more, no more edema problem.   9/1/2005 My knees doen't rub together when I walk anymore. My belly roll is squishier and hangs a bit lower. This is an NSV because it is proof that I am loosing fat.   9/12/2005 This past weekend was the Bandster Bash in Las Vegas. I had to tighten the airplane seatbelt. Sure, I've lost 3 pounds since 2/29, but I'm trying soo hard to not focus on that. Focus on needing to tighten the seat belt.   At the Bash this weekend, I got several pieces of clothes. Okay a whole new wardrobe. When you wear your own clothes over and over, it is really hard to notice any difference. I mean really hard. I've been working my way into several pairs of pants that I haven't been able to wear in years and they are size 22. Yet at the bash, I found size 18 pants that were comfortable. What gives with that? Anyway, I have a few pairs of size 18 that are comphy.   9/15/2005 I've been looking at my body fat % and my current Fat Free Mass. If I don't put on any more muscle mass, and stay current where I am, I only need to lose 55 to 70 pounds, not 70 to 100 pounds. I think that's counts as an NSV. Of course, if I can manage to put on 15 pounds of muscle like NanaHarly (Pat in Virginia) did, then I only need to loose 35 to 50 pounds! Woot! I know what I'm going to focus on!   I was tallking to my DH on the phone and I casually crossed my legs. HOLY SH*T!!!! I CROSSED MY LEGS!!!!!   9/17/2005 As of today, I have had 46 NSVs. That amazes me. Today's NSV is that I dropped a .5% in body fat.   9/27/2005 I had an NSV this weekend of a sexual nature. Let's just say that I'm not as bulky.... My forearems and calves have amazing definition. My low belly is shrinking, and starting to gain some definition.   10/1/2005 My 50th NSV is that I am no longer The Great Crystal Dam in the bathtub. There was room on both sides of my hips in the tub! At this rate I'll have to invest in some rubber duckies...   10/2/2005 Spoke with my mom on the phone last night. She said it has been years since my voice sounded so strong. She said there wasn't any breathiness at all. I guess after years of severe asthma, I'd developed a sort of wheezy -breathy sort of way a speaking.   10/22/05 I had a fitness assessment done yesterday. While my aerobic fitness score wasn't very high, 22 out of a scale of 20-50 (needs work), my over all fitness level fell into the Fair range, and my blood pressure is in the Fit range. (mind you, I've always had good BP, except for the first few weeks I'm back in SE ID due to the altitude and heat change)   10/27/05 I am offically no longer Morbidly Obese, but simply Obese. Today my BMI is 39.6, so I might not even qualify for the surgery, if not for my co-morbidities, which are all under control.   My second NSV for the day is that I have been invited to dance professionally at a Greek restaurant here in town. It will be fun to be able to put on my resume that I'm a Professional Belly Dancer.   11/5/05 All my pants are starting to look like giant clown pants, none of them fit in the butt or thighs anymore. If I didn't have this damn thick waist, I would really be in honest size 18 jeans.   My black leather jacket is going to have to be retired soon. It's rediculously large on me now. The sleves alone now hang past my finger-tips and it looks like I could smuggle a medium sized ham in each shoulder. So I tried on my big winter coat, and now it really is my huge winter coat. It's about XX too big. It's fully reversable a suede stadium jacket, with lepord fake fur on the other side. I love this jacket, but next year, some other lucky bandster gets to love it.   It's important for me that last winter before I was banded I couldn't zip the black leather jacket up. There was a 2-3 inch gap that just wouldn't meet. While the stadium jacket fit, it was pretty snug. Not any more!   11/10/05 Lastnight I was using my laptop. In my lap. This means that I HAVE A LAP!!!!! Woot!   11/14/05 When I sit on the floor or in a hard chair, I feel the bones in my butt. Not only my tail bones, but other bones (probably my pelvic bones?) as well.   11/17/05 Okay, time to bump the thread. Last night while Iwas talking on the phone to an old friend from high school I again casually just crossed my legs. Without thinking about it. I know I've done this before, but it's a mind thing I think.   Other NSVs include belly dance stuff. My DH won a few auctions on ebay for me, a couple of B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L belts, a gorgous silk veil and a pair of harem pants. The pants looked impossibly small, even with an elastic waist. I just knew that they were NOT going to fit, but being the glutton for punishment that I am, I attempted to put them on anyway.   They fit! They are too shere to wear without a skirt, so that will have to be next on my list of things to get. The other victories around dancing are some of the skinny ones are asking me for help, since they cannot get some of the moves quite right.   I'm also getting really excited about dancing at the restaurant. I'll do that once I get home after Thanksgiving, and I complete my costume. I still need a top and a skirt I mean, I just bearly broke out of MO, and I'm going to be a fat professional dancer. What am I thinking? I mean, what am i thinking, other than I'm dead sexy and a fine belly dancer.   11/19/05 Okay, Thursday I passed up free donuts, and this weekend I've been busily working in my yard now that I'm home. Raking big fat soggy leaves, clearing flower beds, and the like.   DH is amazined at my level of energy, and so is son. I guess I'm a little amazed too, since for the last several years the only energy I've had at this time of year has been spent trying to breathe or something aerobic like reading or playing video games. I've gotten used to a more active lifestyle in ID with all the walking and PE/dance classes I attend. I routinely walk up several flights of stairs with my heavy bookbag, where this time last year I was using a rolling bag, and needing to take the elevator because my asthma was so bad.   12/09/05 Well, tonight I make my semi-professional debute again!   We had our dance department dance review Wednesday night, and pix will be forthcoming. We were great, several people told us that we were the best group on stage, so that was awesome!   I went out on stage, in front of an audience of maybe 300 or 400 people, and I OWNED the stage. I wasn't the slightest bit nervous, and I'm quite amazed at that, believe you me! I made eye contact with many of the audience, and I had the biggest smile on my face the whole time. Not only did I look like I was having a great time, I WAS having a great time!   The next NSV is my costume... my top was a crop tant top that I've added bead work too to make it sparkle. But the important part of that sentence is CROP TOP! Yes, that's right, I was wearing a belly shirt on stage, exposing my ample belly to the public, with my surgery scars clearly visible! And I did it on purpose!   Okay, this next one isn't an NSV, not really, and it properly goes on the "Skniny Bitches" thread, but here it is We had just come off stage after doing our two numbers and we were all still amped up on adrenalline. We were talking about how we had done, bla bla bla. A group of ballet dancers were there, I mean, right there and one of the skinny blond said to another skinny blond the snottiest comment I've heard in a long time. Okay, all the ballet dancers were skinny blonds, but that's besides the point. She said, in a loud voice "well, at least we weren't shaking our Bon-Bons." In the snottiest possible voice mind you. So, I simply said, with sugar in my voice, "well that's because you can't shake your Bon-Bon." And then I smiled so sweetly at her. (then she said that I was probably right, and the group of them walked away) So, I suppose that makes me a fat bitch, but I just decided that I wasn't in the mood to take crap from anyone.   So, the next part of the Bellydancing NSV is that I'll be dancing againg tonight at a local restaurant, and yes, I'll be dancing for tips, so Big Paul, you'd better leave now so you get here in time, and yes, you'll probably need to take out a second mortgage   So, finally, I'm doing this when I weigh 240 pound and not waiting until I get closer to goal. I'm doing this at size 22/24 and not when I get to my goal of 12/14   12/22/05   I'm less invisible. Last year at this same time I felt so invisible when walking through the halls at school. Now guys hold the door open for me, and men and women smile more at me. Perhaps they just needed a couple of years to get used to me, or perhaps I am more self asured and confident. Confidence attracts confidence.   This time last year I could not breathe. I was in and out of the hospital and making near daily trips to the ER, having several nebulizer treatments every single day. Since I've been home just about a week, I've used my inhaler much more often than usual of late. I've used it 3 times in a week.   This is a weird NSV, but I finally have doctors seriously trying to figure out why I'm not having the sort of weight loss I should. I guess I had to go on the Supermodel Diet for a month before they would take me seriously.   1/4/6 Today I went skiing for the first time in 5 or 6 years! Woot! It was a lot of fun, and I fit into my ski pants from 5 or 6 years ago. I'm so happy! Okay, this was a MAJOR NSV for the DH too because he went skiing too! Spudboy and I had to talk him into it, but he did it! I'm so proud of him!   I didn't use my puffer once while skiing, but was wicked cold because my gloves weren't good ski gloves. Oh, and I didn't have a water proof jacket either...   So, 3 for the price of one.   1/13/06 I just got back from several days in DC, for a scholarship symposium and job fair. I have a conditional job offer for when I graduate, if I can obtain a security clearance! Woot! That's an NSV, since it would be a major job!   I have a whole string of NSVs, the very most important one is that I went to DC WITHOUT AN INHALER. What's more, I didn't even need it. This is super significant because this time last year, and for several years prior, I couldn't go anywhere without at least 2 inhalers on my person. I had an inhaler in every single piece of clothing that had a pocket. Last year this time I had spent 10 days of the Christmas vacation in hospital, don't know how many trips to the various ERs. I didn't even realize that I didn't have an inhaler until the puddle jumper from Salt Lake to Pokey, AFTER my trip was almost done. I was constantly being mistaken for a much younger woman, and when I would talk about my son, people assumed I was talking about a baby or a very small boy. Oh if they only knew!   1/18/06 In class yesterday I realized that my belly wasn't even touching the desk in two of my classes!   2/7/06 I had two NSVs this week. One is that I went to a party where I only knew one person. Big deal? Yup, big deal since I am terrified of groups people. It's not like they are spiders or kittens or something like that, but I have avery difficult time with groups of people I don't know, I'm very shy. (yeah, who would believe that?) But I went to the party, and I was charming and talked to everybody. I don't think my husband would have recognized me....   The other NSV is that I've accepted that I'm not going to lose weight. Not until this Cushing's thing has been addressed or resolved. But because I've accepted it, I don't have to stress over it. I don't have to beat myself up any more.   Oh wait, one more NSV, I need to take my watch to the Jewlers to have one of the links removed from the band!   3/5/6 Well, I haven't had that many NSV's lately, or if I have, they have been lost to me.   I need links removed from my beautiful watch, and I can wear more of my rings. I have to stop wearing one of my rings because when my fingers get cold (winters in SE ID are COLD!) it flies off my finger! Woot!   So, 3 NSVs for Feb 06!
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More Cushing's ramblings

Friday I meet with an Endo, finally. I will be going to Seattle this week, and I have the appointment with my husband's Endo. (Husband is diabetic, and this is his doc)   I tried to make an appointment with the Endocrine Clinic at the UW, but they wouldn't even talk to me without a referral from another Endo and a wad of test results. My Aunt wanted me to go there right off, but they wouldn't even talk to me.   I'm sitting here in near tears because I'm so jumbled up I don't even know what my feeling are, but none of them are happy and light. My husband doesn't totally understand why I'm in a panic, because he comes from a medical family. He and his sisters feel that since I haven't been officially diagnosed, then there is no point in worrying about anything. Since no tests have been run, what's the problem?   I know that part of my grief comes from my past history with doctors not taking me seriously, until something really serious has happened. I had kidney stones, and they sent me home because I "just had a back ache" When I brought in the stones they at least had the good grace to be shocked. And that is just one of many examples of doctors not believing there was something actually wrong. When I had a collapsed lung, the pulminologist told me my only problem was that I was fat. I had an oxygen saturation on room air of 82, but because I was fat, not because my lung was stuck to itself. Like I said, doctors don’t’ take fat women seriously, that or they just don’t take me seriously.   I’m afraid that this new doctor will just see a fat woman and just tell me to lose weight. It’s not like I haven’t tried to lose weight, I mean crap, I had the Lap Band put in last year, and since the end of March, I’ve managed to lose 15 pounds net. Yes, I am very, very glad I was banded, but it’s been hard watching people lose 100 pounds who started with a similar BMI. I spent a month at about 700 calories and managed to lose 1.5 pounds in a month. Of course, when I went back to 1000 calories, I gained 10 pounds in a week. I’ve managed to lose 5 of those pounds.   I’m scared that they won’t find anything wrong with me, that I’m just another head case. I’m afraid that once again I’ll be told to tough it out.
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Heading down to OHSU tomorrow--bring it on!

Hi Campers! (hi Crystal!)   Ok, I'm heading back down to OHSU in Portland tomorrow early morning. I have to be there at 8 am, so we have to get a very early start.   I just wanted to give all y'all a quick heads up. I had a mid-line placed on Friday (it was pretty cool learning to draw my own blood) I'll be doing blood draws every 4 hours, I'll be meeting with the neuro-surgeon Tuesday, and I still don't know if I'll be having the CSS Wed or not. Because I hit a High on Thursday, they had to scramble to fit me in and get me tested while I'm still High.   Keep your fingers crossed for me that my High stays all week. Hopefully this means that I'll be in for brain surgery really soon! Yes! Hopefully this means that Pitunia will be given her walking papers and that unwanted B*tch will be history!   So, here's hoping I'll be like the majority of other Cushies, I'll have the tumor out and then drop 40-90 pounds in a matter of months!   Anyway, I'll be gone for a week, so there won't be any update in my journal while I'm gone.   bu-bye!
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Boozin' boozin, just you and I!

Oh! We all are bloody-well boozin! (chorus from my favorite Victorian Drinking song.)   One of my weird personal observations is that when I'm in a High I also want alcholic beverages. I mean, I almost crave them.   I'm not now, nor have I ever been an alcholic, but I'm certianly predisposed to being one. My Greatgrandfather was, my grandfather, my dad and 3 out of my 4 sibs are alcholics. Because I've always know of my family history, and the possiblilty of being predisposed, I've always been very careful with my alcohol use.   When I'm on a High, alcohol has little if any effect one me that I can feel. No Buzz for me, no tipsy feeling no nothing. As an experimnet I'm gonna see if I can find some of those personal use alcohol tester that I've been told they sell at convinence stores. When I'm in a Low, I don't have any desire to drink.   I just thought this was very interesting.   Drinking Alcohol May Correct Stress-Hormone Malfunction http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/36/12/20-a A new study has linked an abnormal response in stress hormones to alcoholism and proposes that for a person with alcoholism, drinking alcohol may actually "correct" the abnormality.   The reward of a euphoric response to alcohol that most people experience is known to be related to the release of stress hormones. A new study suggests that people who are alcoholic may actually drink alcohol for its apparent ability to help correct a dysfunctional stress response.   The study reported two significant findings: First, some patients recovering from alcoholism, even after prolonged abstinence from alcohol, continue to have a significantly suppressed stress-response system. Secondly, their systems appear to be hypersensitive to serotonin. The study is described in the May issue of Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research.   According to the authors, some patients who are alcoholic respond differently from nonalcoholic patients to stressful situations that involve the brain’s serotonin system and may drink alcohol under stressful conditions in order to "correct" their brain’s response to the stress.   Subjects recovering from alcoholism were given fenfluramine to cause an acute increase in serotonin activity. This was then suspected of causing increased activity in the subjects’ limbic-hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (LHPA) axis—the system of interconnected brain structures that becomes especially active in response to stress—leading to secretion of the stress hormone cortisol by the adrenal glands.   "Our major finding," said researcher Robert M. Anthenelli, M.D., "was that alcoholics who had been abstinent for an average of more than four months had a twofold greater cortisol response compared with nonalcoholics following administration of fenfluramine." Anthenelli, the study’s lead author, is an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Cincinnati College of Medicine and director of substance dependence programs at the Cincinnati Veterans Affairs Medical Center.   He said the finding is surprising in that it contrasts with most other published reports indicating a blunted or unchanged stress response in patients who are alcoholic, with shorter periods of abstinence.   "We also found that the stress-hormone response in recovering alcoholics did not return to baseline levels as quickly as it did in age- and race-matched nonalcoholic control subjects. In other words, it appears that some of our recovering alcoholics had difficulty turning off the fenfluramine-induced stress response."   While the authors did not directly speculate on the implications of the findings, other researchers have. "It is reasonable to speculate," said Stephen Woods, M.D., professor of psychiatry and of neuroscience at the University of Cincinnati, "that there are physical consequences of this." Whether the change in the LHPA axis is the result of prior brain differences or is a consequence of former consumption of large amounts of alcohol isn’t yet known, Woods said in a press release issued by the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse.   "An interesting clue, however," Woods suggested, "is that the elevated cortisol response is reminiscent of what has been observed in individuals who have never before experienced alcohol, but who are considered at high risk for developing alcoholism. One possibility, therefore, is that the prolonged elevation of cortisol following fenfluramine is characteristic of certain alcoholism-prone individuals and can be observed either before they ever drink or after a prolonged period of abstinence."   "We propose," said Anthenelli, "that this may represent a trait marker of alcoholism . . .that could distinguish subgroups of alcohol-dependent people or those who have a predisposition for alcoholism from people who do not."   Woods thinks that the findings may suggest that the reason some people drink more alcohol and eventually become alcoholic "is that a ‘defect’ in their LHPA response to serotonin is ‘corrected’ by alcohol. If this were the case, then alcohol would have a greater degree of reward value for those individuals than for people who do not have the same ‘defect.’ "   "Stress Hormone Dysregulation at Rest and After Serotonergic Stimulation Among Alcohol-Dependent Men With Extended Abstinence and Controls" can be accessed on the Web at www.alcoholism-cer.com by entering "Anthenelli" under "Author." {blacksquare}     -------------------- Oregon 5-day work up 4/24 UFC 214 on 6/21 UFC 299 on 7/21 UFC 292 on 7/22   Cyclical Cushing's   If it walks like a platypus, talks like a platypus, looks like a platypus, it must duck because it has a duck bill and besides, platypus are too rare around these parts....   UFCs crucial For Tyranny of the Jug Pee into the hat
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1 year bandivarsary

HI Campers! (Hi Crystal!)   Well, today is my one year bandivarsary. Not a single expectation I had before my banding has materialzied at least when it comes to weight or size, but perhaps the evaporation of my asthma symptoms (yay me!) makes up in some small measure for not losing weight. (that whole not-dead thing goes a long way I think)   I have lost a net of 30 pounds since being banded. I've lost 15 pounds since April 2005, which is hardly impressive.   This last year has been quite a ride for me. Right now I'm not even bothering to try to lose weight, I'm just concentrating on maintaining. And I'm doing a very good job of that. Someone on another board told me that they were disapointed that I've given up, that I wasn't even trying, so of course I would fail. But that's just it, I haven't given up and I haven't failed.   I don't think the band failed me either. Or maybe I do. I dunno. I know that I was very angry that I wasn't able to lose weight. I was well on my way for a while to developing my first eating disorder -- this summer and fall I was completely obsessed with counting everysingle calorie trying to lose weight. (tooth paste does not have any significiant calories, BTW) I spent a month at 700 +/- 100 (okay, mostly - ) because I couldn't lose weight at 1000 or 1200 or higher. I lost 1.5 pounds that month I was too tight.   I thought I had developed a leak, but it was just a case of an interventional radiologist who didn't have enough experinece letting out more fill than he was putting in...   It's hard watching everyone pass me by. It's hard to watch folks who started out with similar stats to me loose 10 sizes to my one size lost. It's hard to watch them lose so much more in pounds that I feel like I ever will. But at least I've recorded every one of my NSVs that I've ever noticed, which does help. After all, when I'm invited to go on Oprah when i finally do get things figured out, I'll be able to share more than pounds lost, I'll be able to share the life I've gained.   So, since I badger everyone at their bandivarsaries for their favorite NSVs, here are my favorite ones right now.   My top ten NSVs in no particular order. I didn't die from resperatory failure. Probably my biggest NSV, that whole not-death thing. Probably my favorite one too.
I have wiggle room when I fly, and I don't need an extender anymore either. (is that one or two?)
I've run for the bus without even thinking about it
I've been able to chase my Spudboy down the stairs and out into the street before having to stop becaue I was laughing so hard
I've started bellydancing again, and I'm a professional bellydancer too now.
I no longer have a "breathy" quality to my voice, but I'm told it's strong and clear now. (no more asthma!)
I am no longer The Great Crystal Dam in the bathtub
I can cross my legs. HOLY SH*T! I can cross my legs!
donuts no longer have any appeal
I have realized that I will never go hungry again. (it's a wolves thing)
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Cushie fun day in Portland

This last Thursday was Cushie fun day for those of us who were down testing, (and Jaimie too!). So that meant Jamie, Monica and me, as well as my non-Cushie friend Traci.   We went and had girlie, girlie manicures and pedicures at a beauty college. What a treat that was... We were originally going to go to one place, but when we got there, we decided to try a different school.   One of the things I do to amuse myself is play "Hump or no Hump" where I try to figure out if someone has a hump, and if they do, do they have any other Cushie symptom... One of the women at the school, looked mightly suspicious to me, and I pointed her out to Jamie and Monica. Since Monica nad i were wearing short sleved shirts, our white stockings for our PICC lines were right there, out in public and everything. She wanted to know if we were in a club or something, so I opened my big mouth and blabbed all about Cushing's, and why we were in Portland.   Turns out this woman had most of the Cushing's symptoms, but like a good girl listened to her docs when they told her that her only problem was the was fat and lazy Monica and Jaimie are WONDERFUL Cushing's Ambasadors, and they gave this gal all the contact information so she could lean more about Cushing's   After we were done with our Ambasador duties and our beautie treatments, we headed out to try to find someplace for lunch. After getting lost a few times, and not finding any restaurants that suited our needs, we finally found a Bosnian grocerie store with a deli. The food was DELISH! and we all swapped slices of our sandwiches. Everything was really yummy, well, I have to take everyone's word that the eggplant was yummy, but there you go on that. After we filled our tummies, we went grocerie shopping and bought all sorts of wonderful European treats. I got a spice mix that I'm going to try tonight, I have no idea what's in it, because none of the ingreedients are in English.   We had such a great time, Monica was out of her Low by this time, and I'm convinced that the Dex helped mitigate the worst of my Low that I swung into on Wednesday. (stupid cyclical grrr)
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Calling Turtles to action, once more into the fray!

When i started this, I thought it would be a trivial matter to get diagnosed, and then treated. Oh, if only it had been that simple.   It's been a real struggle. Doctors who feel that they know best, doctors who won't test because Cushing's is too rare, doctors who won't test because they have a stick firmly wedged up their butt.   It's so hard to read about seeming everyone else's successes, to know that until I get this tumor out of my head I will never have any success losing weight. I go away from LBT, and yet I am drawn back. Perhaps it is because I keep hoping that I too will once day have success, that one day I will be a size 14, not a 24.   I wear the same clothes I wore before I was banded.   But at least I know I have answers. I must hold onto the thought that I will have success.   But it is harder still for me to know that other people are not seeking answers. That they are content to accept the band as yet another failed gimic. That they are not willing to push against the resistance that doctors put up.   Is anyone else fighting!? Or am I alone in this? Fight Turtles! Fight!
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World Domination!

I'm High again I just mowed the front yard and weeded part of my rock garden and watered the rock garden and cleaned the rust off the 3 different types of hoes and cleaned the rust off the spade and the fork and cleaned the fern and mulched two flower beds and watered the lilacs... and two days ago a trip up from the basement needed a rest in-between all last week I was weak and tired, could hardly do anything but sleep I still don't feel "strong" like I will later in the week if only I didn't have theses lows, can you imagine how much I could get accomplished? World domination!
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Mediterranean Diet

Ok, I saw a new local Endocrinologist yesterday, mainly because I needed some local support, someone to locally help me interpret lab results and the like.   I also wanted to see if he could help me come up with an action plan so I don't end up in the ER any more because I crash so Low.   Well, he ordered yet more UFC tests because he didn't believe the other test results :eek: because they are too high, and I don't really "look Cushing's." Cushing's is a biomedical condition. No one says you don't have high bloodpressure because you don't "look like you have high-blood-pressure..." And no plan of action to keep me out of the ER either...   ANYWAY...   He decided that I need to lose weight (ya' think???:faint:) So, he wants me to do the Mediterranean Diet. I suppose that would be ok, but it seems to be very high in Carbs, which as a bandster, I have problems with on several levels, not the least being difficulty eating them :hungry:. But it calls for drinking wine, but I don't drink wine :clap2:, especially red wine, I just have never been able to develope the taste for it.   But I thought I'd share, since it sure gave me a laugh. Ok, so yesterday it was more hysterical laughter, but laughter still...
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Cushing's in the News

My Cushing's was found because I refused to give up finding an answer about why I couldn't lose weight. Weight issues are one of the more obvious symptoms of Cushing's.   Anyway, right now I'm on a cortisol High, and I'm testing. Keep your fingers crossed for me to get really high numbrs. One more high number and I'll be on my way for my Pit surgery!   http://www.49abcnews.com/news/2006/j...hings_disease/ You will need quicktime7 to play the video, but you are offered a download.   I continue to believe that some of my beloved Turtles are also Cushing's. Especially the ones who've mentioned that they have new stretch marks, etc. Because almost all Cushies are fat, if not MO, I suspect that there will be a higher proportion of Cushies who've had "failed" WLS. That their choice, no matter which WLS they chose fails them because food is not our issue.   I had a therapist who specialized in eating disorders tell me that I didn't have any eating disorder, and that baffled him, because he'd never run accross someone who was MO who *didn't* have some sort of eating disorder. :guess Turns out I have a BRAIN disorder :mad:   I told my DH yesterday that there is a significant portion of the population that need a second Pit surgery because they often don't find a cure on the first go. Then he started singing to "my boyfriend's back" substituing 'the bitch" for "my boyfriend" in that silly way he has :clap2:. He makes jokes when he's uncomfortable, but his song was sure appopriate! I really was a bitch yesterday, pissed off at the whole world.   We sat outside lastnigh for more than an hour, just enjoying not being hot. He sprayed the swing down with the pressure washer, playing more than anything, but it sure was hot. While we sat out there, I explained to him why I get like I get when I'm on a High. He knows some of it, but he didn't realize all of it.   You see, when I get on a High, I for the most part, feel really good. Except for the being a major bitch part that is, wanting to throw dishes and tantrums. But I basically feel physically good right now, except for the chronic headache. I have ENERGY, which is something I don't have when I'm on a Low. When I'm High, I have the drive to tackle all the big projects that I want done, like painting and gardening and pressure washing and basically taking over the world. And because I only feel like this for a few days or a week at a time, I feel that I *HAVE* to get busy and get things done because in the past I didn't know how long I will be able to feel this way. And I get mad at Mike and Spud because they don't share my sense of urgency.   I suspect because I have figured out my cycle, or think I have anyway, I might be able to mitigate this sense of urgency. Until I have my surgery and am cured anyway! I'm hoping that this will be so soon. But until then, I feel very confident that I'll be able to tell the Guys that I'll be feeling good again in 10 days, and that they'd better be ready for the next project. :biggrin1: I'll be able to give them a schedule so they can prepair for the next round. So they can start getting ready *now* instead of having it sprung on them with no warning :bandit
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temper temper

So, I'm feeling really High, which doesn't help.   I woke up late, not that I have anything to do with my life, but I wanted to get up before it got hot. Husband refuses to sleep with me, so I'm generally pissed off about that. He doesn't want to sleep outside with me, and inside is ... well there is no way I can sleep in the house its so hot. He said there was no room. IT'S THE FREAKING BACK-YARD! HOW MUCH ROOM DOES HE THINK HE NEEDS????   So. I got up late. Took my two full UFC jugs from yesterday into the lab so I could have my blood drawn. They always want it fasting, so no coffee yet for me. Because it's a fasting-draw, it means the my morning is disrupted, because I dont' have my coffee. It's the ritual, more than the caffein, I think.   Get to the lab, they draw my blood. I've been doing back-to-back UFCs since Friday, but they ran out of the containers because I'm pee-ing my brains out. (Is it normal to pee 5000 ccs a day? I think not.) Anyway, this morning they got a shipment of supplies, and the containers they got for the UFCs are 3 counces. THREE OUNCE BOTTLES FOR ME! Ok, that was actually funny.   Did I mention that I got a phone call about 5 minutes after I got up? It was from the breast cancer center. They found a large mass in my right breast.   Obviously, 3-oz bottles are not going to cut it for the pee machine I've turned into, so the other lab-tech drives over to their main office to get the right ones for me. While she's gone, I decide I'll head over to the grocery store to get a latte. I bought some small grocery items, while i was there, some specialty coffee stuff. I got some cash back so could go to the movies to beat the heat.   I go back and get my correct UFC containers, and it hits me that the total at the grocery store was a little excessive, so I double checked my recipt. They over charged me for the maple sugar, by $4! So, I drive back to the grocery store and get that straightened out. I leave the store, and the sugar on the counter. Then I realize I've lost the $20 bucks I got earlier, and the guy comes out with my sugar.   So, by this time, I'm cranky, my head is splitting, my kidneys hurt, and I've just realized I've lost a $20 bill. Oh, and I have to pee. I go to call my husband, wanting him to say something sweet to me, and disover he's forgotten to pay the cell phone bill. In my frustration, I had a temper tantrum, and threw the phone onto the passenger seat, which promptly bounced against the window.... That was the best part of the morning. That I'd rolled up the window.   I didn't realize that my son, who's been driving my car, left me on empty. I don't think I have enough to make it to the gas station. So, he's not going to drive my car again, not for a long while. Oh, and the last time he drove it, he and his girlfriend destroyed my MP3 adapter so I can listen to it through the car stereo.   All I wantted to do when I got home was take a baseball bat to something. Anything. My husband's motorcycle. The broken one he bought for me and refuses to fix. Smash all the mirrors in the house because I can't stant the sight of me anymore. Break every dish in the house, throw all his clothes out on the lawn and set them on fire, take an ax to the shed.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

2
 

facing the facts, facing reality

A few weeks ago I got an e-mail from someone who's been courting me for a job. The e-mail wasn't good, there was a re-org and the postition was elimitated. To put it mildly, I was devistated.   Devistated not only for not getting the job, but it ws a much deeper emotion than was warrented over not getting a job.   I'd been putting a lot of energy into this job hunt. And i realized that what I was doing was trying to run away from the Cushing's. I was trying to do what I do so often, distract...   If I could distract myself with this job, and all the responsibilities that would come with it, then maybe I could convince myself that this wasn't really going on. That I'm fat because... because I eat too much.   Yeah, that's it, I eat way too much, so of course I am fat. I mean, I fill my plate when I eat, and sometimes I even go back for seconds. Never mind that my dinner plates are saucers instead of plates. A bread and butter plate is filled to the brim with dinner is a large meal. Yup, I eat way too much off those plates. I use regular dinner plates for Charger plates, and well, a real Charger is a wonder in it's hugeness.   I have road rage because ... the drivers here are so stupid. It's all their fault. there is no room for error, you didn't plan to merge a mile ago, so it's all your fault I'm screaming at you. Honking my horn at you because you are too stupid to be on the roads. Don't even thing you are going to merge in front of me, and there is no way in hell I'm going to let you pull out of the parking lot. Wait your turn. Oh sure, if I got more than 4 hours of sleep at night, maybe I wouldn't be so furious over everything.   Sure, that's it. It's because I can't sleep. except for when I can't wake up. Or I'm too tired to do anything. And then, of couse, ti doesn't matter how badly you drive, because I don't care. Sure, cut me off, I know you didn't mean to, sometimes you can't help it. Here, I know that spot is tough to get out of, let me wave you ahead of me. That's okay, you go first, you are probably having a tough day.   I thought if I got that job, I could tell myself that it was manageable. That the tumor wasn't that big of a deal. Oh, wait. Tumor. I forgot. Okay, okay, I didn't really forget. I just wanted to forget. And isn't that the same thing? Isn't it just as good? No? Damn.   So, not getting that job really made me step back and take a hard look at my life. No more trying to dstract myself. No more, if I ignore it, it has to go away. I mean, I've always gotten better, I always feel better, I always get in a better mood. Right? Don't I? Well yes, sort of. Except now the cycles are getting shorter and shorter. It used to be that I would go a long time until I finally snapped. Until I started screaming at random people, or worse yet, the people I love. What used to take months to cycle is now taking weeks. I am afraid that it will get to the point where I cycle hard within a week. Wheee! Won't that be fun?
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

2
 

no help for the wicked 7-29-6

Wow, so much has changed since I originally started the thread "no help for the wicked." It was 3 months before I was banded, and I was really struggling with my asthma. I mean, really struggling. Death looked like a real possibility.   I really thought that by now I would have lost if not all my excess weight, I would have lost a big whack of it. I was sure that I would be a size 16 by now, not still 22/24. But that is not in the cards for me. I still struggle with this.   But I suppose I should have clued into the "sudden weight gain" since no one else seems to experience that particular "joy." I've since learned that it's one of the hallmarks of Cushing's, and I've had to come to terms with learning that my journy is not the typical journy.   Someone on a recent thread was commenting on how pissed they were because someone told them that by having WLS they were not doing it "right" that they were not doing it the old fashioned way. That somehow having the band was cheating and so any loss woul be less valuable.   I personally think that WLS is the easy way, because it makes it makes it possible for so many people to actually lose weight and keep it off for possibly the first time in their entire lives. I have absolutely no problem with this being the easy way, becaus I have no need for people to suffer. I see little value in adding suffering and grief to life. It's hard enough without looking for extra hardness to add.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

week's activities for week ending 4/1/06

Well, It's sure been a wild week for me.   I got all moved out of my apartment at Idaho State, and moved back with my husband and son. I've sure missed them. My MIL drove back with me, which is a good thing because I'm doing that "completely blind in the dark" thing. Hard to drive 14 hours, but we did it.   I still have half a dozen bins to unpack, and re-integrate back into my family. I have to go through things and repack things that I don't need. I'll be saving them if I decided to go back to ISU, after everything is taken care of.   Still haven't figured out what my husband did with my main pencil pod with my drawing pencils, nor my main sketch book, but I have a back up set of pencils and sketchbook, even if the pencils are not in a nice contained pod.   One of the first things I did was find out if the local parks departments was offering bellydance. Joy of Joy! They are, and they are offering it at the new facility they built by my house. So I have bellydancing in walking distance! Today my husband took me down to a local Egyptian shop and I bought my first professional dance bra, I'm so excited! I got a gold beaded one, in the Turkish style. http://www.pyramidimports.com/bellydancing/bdbs1004.htm is a pix of the bra I got, but I sure don't have her body! :girl_hug: I was amazed that they had a bra to fit me, but they did, and in stock! I'm so excited. I already have a burgundy and gold belled dance belt, so I didn't buy this one.   I spent the morning clearout out our pantry, getting rid of almost all the grains and open pasta and bread mix types of thing. Some of the packages have been in there for ... gosh, 3 years, and some how, moths got into the flour products. So everything went into my neglected compost/worm bins. I was happy to see I still have some worms hanging out, neglected as they were.   This week I got my date to go to OHSU for a complete test pass.   Wow, what a week.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
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