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the mom factor

My B day was really nice this year. My kids were awesome and my cake rocked! Although I gained 2.5 lbs over the long weekend (I already lost 1.5 of it by this am) but ya know.... It is no biggie because I am really working hard and I will hit my next mini goal by the end of the month ( to get <241). Back to the B Day.... If anyone is reading this, I welcome your input... I am one of 4 children. I was "given up" when I was 14 years old. "Given up" meaning that my parents gave me up to custody to the state of michigan. I was not a troubled teen, and not ever in any legal trouble. Plain and simply put my parents really never loved me and I sincerely believe that. I was the only one of the 4 children given up by the way. My oldest sister is 8 years older than me and she and her husband petitioned the court for guardianship of me. After about 6 months in foster care, I was sent to live with them in Texas. It took me until this past year to finally put the hurt away and try to reconcile with my mom. My dad died last year and I think that that was the major factor in my decision. I am now 37 years old, so I did not have ANY contact with my parents for 22 years. ANY at all. I never got to speak to my dad again since that day in the courtroom when I was 14. I reached out to my mom. I really do want her to be my mom. I want to believe that she is not a monster anymore. She remarried a nice man, and I really love him. I invited them to come stay with me for a week earlier this spring and they did and it was nice. My kids got to meet their grandparents for the first time. O.K... This is where my B Day comes in.... This was my first B Day since reconciling with my mother and I did not even get a card. She called me on my day, but not even a card. I sent her and my new dad both cards on their B day's and a $50 gift card to a steakhouse. That was alot for me to give, as I am not rolling in the dough but I wanted them to have a nice gift from me. Two things exasperate (sp?) this in my head..... She sends my older sister substantial amounts of money constantly. I am talking so far about $10 k that I know of. No, I don't want her $$ but I don't know how you drop loads of $ on all of your kids and not even send a card to one. She calls both of my sisters all of the time. She never calls me. If I don't call her then we don't talk. I have told her that I want her to call, and hinted that it was hurting my feelings that she calls the other girls and not me but it does not change. Also my oldest son, her first grandchild to graduate, graduated this year. No card. She says she sent a card and a check, but when I told her that it never arrived she did nothing about it. He was pretty hurt by this as well. This is hurting me really bad. It is really reminding me alot of my childhood. I was always left out. Maybe it will help that I wrote that down. I did not sleep last night. I keep checking the mail, even today to see if a card arrives. It is pissing me off that I am letting this hurt me so much. Onward with the weight loss stuff.... I haven't missed a single day of excercise in 3 weeks! I am up to 25 minutes on the dreadmill at 3.3 mph with a 3% incline. I am very proud of that. I can also do the second level of aerobics on my workout dvd (even if I am ready to pass out when I am done, it still counts). O.k... enough drama.
Kathi

Kathi

1
 

hit the mini b-day goal

I hit the mini goal that I was tryinig for, two days ahead of schedule!!! I was trying to get below 245 before my B-Day (this Thursday) and I did it!!!!! This morning I weighed in at 244. I have been doing good everyday. I am keeping below 1000 cals, and doing the intermediate level aerobics daily. I am finally seeing progress. Well, it is about damn time! I still haven't added the crunches yet, but that is my goal for later this week. I am loving wearing clothes that haven't been on my bod in about 8 or so months... It really feels great! Including what I lost pre-op my grand total is -21 lbs. only -11 since banding, but at least it is starting to finally come off. It is gonna be tricky to eat a piece of cake and still stay under my 1000 cal limit. I am definately foregoing the ice cream (even the "light"),. My 13 yr old daughter (Stephanie) is making my cake. This will be her first attempt at a cake, but all of her other cooking is excellent so I know she can pull it off.
Kathi

Kathi

3
 

looking up

O.k... that funk didn't last too long... I am back to positive and feeling great about my loss. I finally (after alot of tinkering) have discovered that it takes me eating less than 1000 calories a day to lose. I also have to have a solid workout at least 6 days a week. I lost the weight that I had gained last weekend from the little bit of cheating that I did at the casino... I know that I still am coming up way short on my loss, but today i realized that I haven't weighted this "little" in about 8 months! I actually reached my mini goals of doing the intermediate level aerobics, AND I got to get some bins of clothes out of the attic and I can fit into the size 18 jeans! Yeah!
Kathi

Kathi

1
 

girl gone mad

I had been doing so good with having a positive outlook over the past several weeks, but it went away. The reason it went away is: I had been weighing every morning. I got on the scale one morning and it said 247. WhooHooo! But the next day, 249 and the day after that 251. I was shocked and horrified. I have done NOT ONE THING WRONG. I have been VERY good about eating correctly, drinking correctly and I exercised every day for the last 3 weeks. AND I AM GAINING!.... There is no way that is humanly possible. I do not understand this one bit. I have never had a problem losing weight in the past... only problems keeping it off. I am starting to think that I have a medical condition that I am not aware of. Anyways... I am still VERY committed to myself. I have stayed on the straight and narrow with eating properly, journaling, exercising and drinking water. I am not going to weigh myself more than once a week if possible, because this upset me so much. I am also getting really frustrated seeing everyone's losses add up and I am still doing so poorly. And I know that I am not cheating with junk food or overeating. I am journaling every bite I take. EVERYTHING! It's enough to make a girl go mad!!!
Kathi

Kathi

2
 

fear of the weekend

I am feeling so much more positive about myself now. I was worried that the weekends would make it difficult to stick to the healthy eating and exercise. In the past when I am home, I tended to fall off the wagon. I have been a good girl. I have exercised, ate properly and was generally more active around the house and with playing with the boys. I hopped on the scale this morning and have lost 3 pounds since last Wednesday (today is Sunday). Yeah for me! Food Journaling has been key for me... I either go under or over if I don't log everything. It is alot more convenient to do it online with Weight Watchers than it was when I was keeping track on paper. I think that I will stick with WW after my initial 3 months expires. So far, worth the $$. BTW.... clothes a tiny bit looser, I think I can switch to the higher level aerobics this week.
Kathi

Kathi

1
 

Up and rolling...early

Today is Friday!!!!! Other than a meeting that I don't want to attend this afternoon, I have an easy day ahead (I hope!).   I had a rough start to the day, I was awoken at 5am by the sound of a transformer behind my house blowing. I got out of bed and grabbed a flashlight, got dressed and went outside to make sure it wasn't just a breaker. Well I ended up showering in the dark at 6am, at least I had hot water still. I went off to work, but my poor kiddos had nothing to do until 10 am when the lights were fixed. It's just a good thing that it didn't happen in the heat of the day when it is 100 outside!!!:embarassed:   Now, usually when something goes wrong, I really let it disrupt my life. I won't be able to concentrate on my diet schedule (yes, I have to have a schedule to keep myself going like eating at the same times each day) but I will let a disruption in the norm turn into an excuse to forgo the diet for the day. BUT... I am very proud of myself because I kept the food issue on track, had my slim fast shake and didn't blow it by using comfort food. I even used my morning break at work to lock my door and do aerobics.   OOOHhhh, on another positive for myself (as I pat myself on the back) I have not eaten my total points allowance on Weight Watchers for the entire week!!!! I get 30 food points per day and I have been trying to keep it around 25, and I DID IT!!!!
Kathi

Kathi

2
 

Lets rock

O.k.... This is my first journal entry, although I have been banded since April 19, 2006. To date I am down 5 pounds.   I have run through the gammot of emotions for the last couple of months. I have spent alot of time depressed about getting the band, and wishing that I had an alternate surgery. I am sick of thinking that I spent $11,000 to lose 5 lbs.   I finally have seen myself pull up from my slump over the past two weeks. I joined Weight Watchers online, and journal my food like a MoFo. I started REALLY exercising almost daily. I am finally proud of myself again.   I am working towards: a) doing the harder level aerobics dvd being able to finally fit into the fat clothes in my closet c) being able to get into the next lower size in the attic d) doing crunches again e) doing my measurments again and actually seeing the numbers decrease.   O.K.. that was alot of mini goals.:clap2:   I remember how good I can make myself feel when I try hard enough and put the energy into myself.   Obviously for this to work for me I have to make it work, because it sure ain't is easy to lose as I thought it would be. Silly me.:Banane20:
Kathi

Kathi

1
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