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About this blog

my journey to gorgeous 160lbs again!

Entries in this blog

 

dresses

Fri I went to drop off pap work & he saw me in brown tank top w plunging neckline ...I said I had to get back to new recruit (Cute)one)..he called screaming....but 1st tried to controll himself. When I called Sat he was gentle when I said"still mad @ me?":whoo: Mon he was v subdued @ mtg til I started gazing @ his mouth, ear lobe, eyes,& finally...nipple....then moved from behind the chair so I could gaze @ his fav spot!...called back & fourth sev times bec he was turned on!
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control freak mother, secretive behavior,& obesity

Mom's controling beh has cost me a lot in life, including my weight issues, secretive behavior, not moving forward w my only sweetheart, the love of my life, Alissa said I behave the way I do w food to stuff my emotions and not feel them...since last nite I 've been teary eyed, I told him to-day that I owed him an apology, that I know I had been difficult for the last month & it had nothing to do w him, it had to do w my mother and how controlling she was & she wanted me to pack up & go to India to live w her, he got very soft & heard me out. He didn't say a word later when ralph left the room he just lay his head back & closed his eyes, he looked drained. Alissa said there is a link between emotional eating & controlling mothers & overweight daughters. People w eating disorders also love secrecy...that's why I love to eat in private, don't open up about my emotions, finances and more...in pathetic efforts to control my life. She said the best thing I could have done was cut off w her, & it's true since my visit to Mumbai,I've gotten worse w my eating....& my relat w him has gotten bad. bec I'm afraid to let anyone in..I'll lose controll of my life...that's my fear! Sartaj Aunty s/w me on Tues & was very supportive of my relationship w him, she asked me why 14 yrs & I told her because it wouldn't have been fair to him to have my kids come before him. He didn't deserve that. Now I have the time to devote & make him #1 in my life. She is right when she said my kids have a right to their own lives just as I had a right to mine at their age & I still resent toxic Mom for expecting me to go take care of her...what damn nonsense!:mad: She shared w me how Zafar her brother told her that at our age life moves very fast. She is also right that I have a right to my own happiness & not to care what people think bec when push comes to shove they don't really care...they are too involved in their own lives! She asked me why I was hesitant & I told her bec he's a control freak @ work...again she wisely said"a man's different in his personal life...don't apply that to how he relates to you"
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WALK

he called yesterday & to-day from cell I did not ask where he is ...at all...... but to-day I told him I was going to be away Fra & Sat..."alright" he responded ...not happy...almost wondering where I was going...but did not have the guts to ask! Now he knows how I felt!:heh:    
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7/24/07

TUESDAY 7/24 I LOOK THINNER:clap2::kiss2: 150LBS BY LABOR DAY :)BRUNCH:3 TURK MEATBALLS & SAUCE 200 LUNCH:TERIYAKI CHICK 160 = 360 2 PLUMS 90 = 450 SNACK: GRAHAMS 100 = 550 5.30 NOT VERY HUNGRY :clap2: DINNER: TERIYAKI CHICK 160 =710 WEDNESDAY 7/25 BRUNCH 3 TURK MEATBALLS& SAUCE 200 LUNCH CHICK CORN SOUP 200 = 400 DINNER TERIYAKI CHICK 160 = 560
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2/21 230

I love my band! Now it's v obvious I lost weight . Yesterday I weighed 230!HA HA HA! THE BLACK PANTS I BOUGHT FROM TARGET ARE NOW LOSE!
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walking log

sat 8/25 to lincoln sun 8/26 mohawh w barkley, ab lounge 2 sets, pm walk w Kathy mon 8/27 mohawk to hiram to terry w kathy:car: tues 8/28 mohawk w kath hiram terry claas mohawk:clap2:
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HOW FRAGILE!

THU WHEN HE CAME IN WAS UNCOMF...WHEN HE WAS LEAVING HE WHISPERED THAT HE WAS PLAYING THAT NITE...AS HE BOLTED OUT THE DOOR!:car::rolleyes WAS MOVED TO SEE ME THERE I TOOK BARKLEY W ME
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I WANT TO WEAR:

WHAT I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT TO WEAR: 1. SHORTS & TANK TOP. 2. BERMUDAS, 3. MY BLACK JACKET 4. HALTER TOPS. 5 MY RED DRESS:clap2: 6. MY BEIGE DRESS:D 7. SIZE 2 PANTS 8. ALL MY PANTS BAGGY
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walking log

thu 8/2 elip fri 8/3 walk sat 8/4 walk sun 8/5 walk mon8/5 walk:whoo: tue-- wed--:rain: thu walk to holb fair fri-- sat 8/11 walk:scared: sun 8/12 walk mon 8/13 walk:clap2:
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My Darling Love is the gift you give yourself

12/6/07Went to Pru affair... Bart came up to where I was sitting & hugged & kissed me.... he still can't get over how Chris & I split up after all these years. I miss him....Yesterday I woke up from a dream where he was holding my head in his arms with his cheek on top of my head...there is not a day that goes by that I do not sense him wanting to kiss me. 11/27 I still miss him... there isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of him. Last night I dreamt of him & I called him "my darling" & he smiled happily, told me he drove the Bonneville to work, because he had to meet me,I smiled & mentioned the Bayport office & he rolled his eyes & shook his head. then i told him about the sign...I was v tired after the Stratus class...went to sleep & woke up @ 1.30am. somehow it came to me that Arindel & Vizzi broke up too before they got married...another needy guy!strange but true thought. I want to desperately hear his voice but I will not call him...let him think this one thru.....I saw his pic in the libor mag w Mohsin Zandehieh he looked very angry   A few weeks ago I dreamt of him & when I saw him I ran up to him held his face in my hands & kissed his mouth. Somehow I know we will end up together...I'm sure he's missing me just as much as I'm missing him. We are souulmates...we were and are meant for eachother!
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INSECURITY

Insecurity It sounds like he is very insecure.. I have been with my husband for 13 years and Married for 12 of those years.. it got ugly between him and I when I was fatter. I felt that he lost respect for me, Since my surgery I am down a lil over 60 lbs .. (girl you have done awesome with your band!) but my husband has been so clingy lately. This surgery has made my relationship with my husband way better. Hang in there and maybe seek some counseling? I don't know but I wish you the best.. honestly I know being married ain't easy... It sounds like you are the one that is changing and not him. You mentioned that he never gives you compliments and I wonder if he did that before? I would guess not and if he didn't you really can't expect him to do things differently now. I think we are not supposed to make any life changing decisions too soon after a major event in our lives (a death, a birth, a financial windfall etc)and I think WLS is one of those things so if I were you I would put out some feelers to him about conseling or at least just try talking to him about how you feel and find out how he feels. Give it all you've got cause good men are hard to find. Your advice is right on - I would also add this. It it impossible to change someone else - the only thing we have power over is our own actions. I have learned to be more tolerant and understanding over time. I hope that Laura's husband will adapt and regain his self-confidence so that they can grow old together. This is going to sound ridiculous, but he is acting this way because he loves you. He probably was secure in you being a bigger girl because, well society puts us last, you have accomplished such a huge loss in a short time, it's a shock for everyone. You are probably primping and glowing all over the place, and that gets his attention, don't kid yourself, but he doesn't want it to get anyone else's attention. Just do your best to make him feel secure, and if it is something that won't blow up... ask him what he thinks. I know it is hard to seperate when someone is working things out with themself or a personal attack. Remember, whatever negative comes out of his mouth is HIS emotion that needs work. Just love him, but because this is such a drastic change, you guys are going to have to kick up the communication. You're a doll! Great Job!!!   To me, it sounds like he married the fat girl, and was comfortable with that. It made him feel confident in the relationship because he was "Good Enough" for you. Now that you are losing weight, he is worried that he is no longer "Good Enough", and that you will find a better replacement. I think that a pretty common feeling in couples when someone makes self improvements, or one is obviously better looking that the other. Like with me, I have been overweight my whole life, and am self-conscious about it. Well my wife is a former model, and weighs about 115 lbs.. I have to admit that every time she goes out without me, there is a small voice in the back of my head saying "She's going to find a hot guy, and replace me". My logical mind knows that this is not true - we have the perfect marraige, but it's just something that you can't turn off. I just keep it completely to myself, and would never say anything to her about it. The quickest way to push her away would be to try to bottle her up. It sounds like to me that you need to confirm to him that you ONLY want to be with him, and no matter how much weight you lose, HE is the one you want to be with. If I were in the situation, words like that would go a LONG way towards easing my insecurities. Another trick may be the next time you go out with your girls, get home and tell him that you were thinking about him all night, and then jump his bones   t's great that we feel prettier and more sexy...it's a good thing but maybe you need to show hubby you still have it for him. Telling him would help but with men, sex usually works best!! Maybe you could show him! Well I can tell you that I think he is really just insecure... You are a hottie!   Maybe you need to have a heart to heart with him. Sit him down and tell him how you feel. Let him know that you are proud of yourself for doing so well on your band and you share your pictures here because we can offer you the support you need because we all understand the struggle weight loss can be. Let him know that you haven't changed ~ you're just healthier now. That just means you can live a longer, more fulfilling life with him. Tell him that you married him for better or for worse, and remind him that he loved you at your "worst" healthwise and now you want him to love you now that you're better. If he is hard to talk to, write him a letter. I do this often with my husband because then he can concentrate on my words an not my, um... attitude. It seems to sink in better for him that way.   To be very honest here, I do detect a bit of an attitude with your weight loss, your husband feels he has lost the old you who he loved fat, now that you are thinner he wants you back... His feelings are real for him, don't make him wrong for feeling the way he feels, I think you need to just keep reminding him you love him and would never hurt him...Did you go out with your girlfriends before you lost the weight or is this a new thing??? If it's something new, I don't blame your husband at all for feeling that way...Good luck and hopefully it will work out...   I don't think you have serious issues. I have noticed how insecure my husband is, regardless of how I look. I met him when I was 19 and 'only' 142 lbs. Way back when he thought I was fat. We didn't talk for a few years and then we met again I weight 180 lbs and then I gained and gained and he married me at 230. My highest recorded weight was 286 within the last year or so. Anyway I was insecure for years about how I looked. I've 'only' lost 50 lbs and truly have about 100 lbs before I am at goal...but I wear lower cut shirts, I feel better about myself. I am going to counseling and letting my needs be known. HOWEVER, he never compliments me unless I fish for it. If I say my pants are too big he says thats a great problem to have. Or if I say I weigh xxx now he says 'way to go'. But I never get a 'wow you look great' without fishing for it.   I think it is wrong for others to point out your CONFIDENCE and say you shouldn't have it. There is nothing wrong and it is absolutely necessary that we change with this journey. So what if you think you are a sexi mamma etc... YOU ARE!!! And if you go out with friends its because you aren't embarrassed to be in public anymore. You are entitled to your life and friends and getting away. HOWEVER if you are ever unhappy goto counseling before you do anything. And if after counseling it doesn't work you've done your best.   If anything goto counseling to deal with your emotions on this, you can't fix him but you can fix you!   You look great and be proud! He sounds pretty insecure to me. I'd make sure you let him know how much he means to you, and no matter how much you change on the OUTSIDE, you are the same person INSIDE, and your love for him won't change. BUT I would address his insecurities and jealousy with him, let him know how it makes you feel and see if he offers up WHY he feels that way. Worse can scenario...maybe some marital counseling would do you both some good. It always helps to have a neutral 3rd party listening in to the he said/she said thing. It definately sounds like insecurity on your husband's part. Men are so funny, just last week I told my DH that I was going to a Christmas party and he got so upset but didn't really show it so I was like, OK. The next day I got a long voice mail on my cellphone (very unexpected) that took me by suprise. When I confronted him about it, he told me straight out that he was the jealous type and wasn't use to me getting all this attention. Who would have thunk it, after 10 yrs of not knowing this?!?!   I appreciated him for telling me that because my DH has always displayed confidence and never a jealous bone in his body (at least I thought). Anyway, I have started to judge my words with him a little better than before, I didn't mind telling him about someone hitting on me or making comments about my figure because of the person he is but now I don't do that. My DH is great, he has been my #1 cheerleader before and after WLS and I am greatful for his support. I wouldn't want to do anything to make my hubby feel insecure. Seeking counsel is the best advice anyone could give you. My WL has definately changed my DH but for the better, he was already the greatest and now he loves the confidence WL has given me. Hi Laura! I have experience everything that you have experienced and have been married 21 years. I was skinny when he married me and just continued to gain weight over the years. We hardley ever had sex but once every month in a half or hugged or got affectionate. I missed those things so very much. My husband would still want to have sex but it was more me because I didnt want to because I felt fat and thought I looked horrible. I still do have a problem with wanting to have sex just becuase I still feel fat and ugly. Dont get me wrong I love to have sex and we have it more often then we did before and it seems the more sex we have the more comfortable he feels about me going out. Its kinda funny how things are sometimes, but give it a chance and they will work out. Men sometimes need more reassurance then we do. When I had my surgery in Feb. 06 he continued to tell me that I would leave him and I continued to tell him that I love him and would always love him unless he just became more of an a**hole. Well he became more of an a**hole and we had to do some serious talking to save our marriage. I did begin to go out with my friends once a month as well and would feel like I just needed a break from the kiddos and everything eles. Everytime I step out the door to go out he gets upset and jealous and I have to reassure him that I love him and its just something he will have to get use to. We now go out together but I still make time for my friends as well. I go to Therapy once a month and my hubby will be going with me soon because I feel like its more his issues then mine. My husband sometimes will catch himself with the jealously stuff but I tell him that we have come to far in this marraige and that he just needs to trust me and that he shouldbe happy that I have more confidence and that I feel healthy. Sorry to keep carrying on but I know that things will work out for me so I believe they will work out. Keep your head up and try communicating more I've lived this from both sides. My husband has had the same weight issues all his adult life that I've had. Up and down, up and down. We met each other about four years ago when we were both in the going down phase (although I now weigh about 60 lbs less than when we met!). He was at the perfect weight for him when we met.   When we moved in together, and eventually married- we both started putting the weight back on. Mine leveled out at about 10 lbs more than when we met, but his continued to climb. He decided to join a gym and start dieting and it FREAKED ME OUT. I was so worried that he'd get thin and would not want to be with his fat wife anymore. That's when I started looking into lapband. I knew that if I didn't do something about my weight- my insecurities would kill our marriage, even though he never made ONE.SINGLE.COMMENT about my weight.   Then the tables turned. He was sure I'd leave him when *I* got thin- or possibly nag him about his weight. Neither happened- because I love him no matter what weight he is. Not only is he a handsome devil, he's the kindest, most wonderful man I've ever met.   My point is, insecurity does funny things to us. Change makes insecure people even more insecure.   I hope that this is just a phase for your husband, as it was for my husband. Eventually, my husband learned that I wasn't going anywhere and he's back to his ol' secure self. I honestly don't know how I would have acted, if the tables were turned, because of my HORRIBLE insecurities.   I hope that the two sides of the story helps!
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The 4 Secrets4 secrets to Weight Loss Success the Diet Books Don?t Tell you

The 4 Secrets to Weight Loss Success the Diet Books Don’t Tell you:faint: by: Meri Raffetto RD Weight loss plans come in all shapes and sizes. Some are fad diets that are too restrictive to follow more than a couple of weeks, while others are provided by professionals that make customized plans for us. All of them give us some guidelines on what we should and shouldn’t eat to ultimately reach our weight loss goals. No matter how many food plans we try, healthy or unhealthy, there are some fundamental things you must know in order to be successful in a weight loss program that, believe it or not, have nothing to do with food. 1. Readiness- Are you ready to make change in your life right now? How would you know? The reason many weight loss plans fail is because people are not truly emotionally ready for change. In order to have true lifelong weight loss you have to commit to trading your old habits in for a new, healthier lifestyle. This has more to do with readiness for change than a desire to shed pounds- there is a big difference. The good news is, as you start on the journey to change these old habits you will be amazed how much better you feel physically, psychologically, and emotionally. This is the place where the people who have experienced long term weight loss have entered and want to stay. When you are truly committed to changing your lifestyle you will achieve lifelong weight loss and so much more! Ask yourself a few questions. Are you ready to make permanent dietary changes for you and your family? Are you ready to start exercising regularly? Are you ready to defend your new lifestyle changes to those who are undermining your efforts? Don’t fret if you aren’t completely ready to dive into change. This is the stage to keep up the learning process by reading articles and gathering information. You will know when the time is right and that will be when you answer an unequivocal “Yes!” to the above questions. 2. Developing a vision. When I ask people what their goals are for a weight loss program the answer is always, “to lose weight of course”, or “to lose x amount of pounds”. It is crucial to have another more, heart-felt reason to lose weight other than losing pounds and appearance. This is because when times are tough, and they will be during any change process, you will need a heart-felt or internal reason to lose the weight to keep you motivated. Losing weight for appearance is ok but it is an external reason and will not help to keep you motivated for long. In the past my clients have chosen things like, being able to play with their kids, running a marathon, backpacking trip they have longed to go on for years, and a big motivator is often a health condition. I call this your vision. It is imperative to take a few minutes to learn what your vision is. What is important to you that you will be able to achieve with weight loss? Write this vision down and plaster it everywhere so you always see your end goal and it will always help to motivate you further when times are tough. 3. Self Talk – is yours negative or positive? Unfortunately it’s true that we are our own worst critics and like hearing any critic it often leads us to failure because we believe the critic is right. Furthermore, we start to believe things are true that are absolutely not true. For instance, if a child is told they are a klutz from an early age they will likely always think they are a klutz. We believe what we are told repeatedly. What do you tell yourself? One common statement I hear a lot of these days is, “I can’t eat carbohydrates because once I start I can’t stop”. This is a belief that you have set up from constant defeating self-talk and once you believe it then no doubt you will act it out. However, there is no scientific reason why a person would not be able to stop eating after having a bite of carbohydrates. Your belief makes it your reality. So whenever you hear yourself say I can’t do something or any other self-defeating talk. Stop yourself and change the sentence to a positive. For example, I realize that carbs have been a challenge for me in the past but I can eat a portion and put the rest away for later. Keep working on your own positive reinforcement by being gentler with yourself and tell yourself all that you CAN do. 4. Be prepared for change. All weight loss programs require us to change a habit yet no one warns us about the process of change. The first thing to know is that the beginning of change is difficult and uncomfortable. This is because it forces us to get off autopilot and focus on our new behaviors. Luckily it takes about 21 days to make a new habit and the uncomfortable part goes away and our new habits become autopilot. For example: Imagine you get your dream job and it requires that you have to get up at 5:30am. Yikes! You normally get up at about 7:30 am. So, what do you think will happen that first morning when the alarm goes off at 5:30? You aren’t going to feel so great and your body is going to beg you to get back into your warm bed! This will go on for about 2-3 weeks until your body stops fighting you and realizes this is the new habit. The same thing will happen to you when you change eating and exercise habits. Just expect a little resistance and keep going! Your new healthy changes will eventually become your new habit. You just have to keep at it.
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Your weight loss =

How Much Weight Have You Lost? Your weight loss =   1 pound = a Guinea Pig 1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts 2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs 3 pounds = an average human brain 4 pounds = an ostrich egg 5 pounds = a Chihuahua 6 pounds = a human skin 7.5 pounds = an average newborn 8 pounds = a human head 10 pounds= chemical additives an American consumes each year 11 pounds = an average housecat 12 pounds = a Bald Eagle 15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs 16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain 20 pounds = an automobile tire 23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year 24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice cream 25 pounds = an average 2 year old 30 pounds = amount of cheese an average American eats in a year 33 pounds = a cinder block 36 pounds = a mid-size microwave 40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg 44 pounds = an elephant’s heart 50 pounds = a small bale of hay 55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner 60 pounds = an elephant’s penis 66 pounds = fats and oils an average American eats in a year 70 pounds = an Irish Setter 77 pounds = a gold brick 80 pounds = the World’s Largest Ball of Tape 90 pounds = a newborn calf 100 pounds = a 2 month old horse 111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year 117 pounds = an average fashion model (and she’s 5’11”!) 118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica 120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month 130 pounds = a newborn giraffe 138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year 140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year 144 pounds = an average adult woman (and she’s 5’4”) 150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary 187 pounds = an average adult man 200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds 235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger 300 pounds = an average football lineman 400 pounds = a Welsh pony   For example, a loss of 128 pounds means you’ve lost “almost a newborn giraffe”, or: (10) dozen large eggs (4) dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts (2) Chihuahuas (2) Guinea pigs (1) elephant penis (1) average 2-year-old (1) human head (1) rack baby back ribs   and one final statistic: the average person laughs 15 times a day. I hope I’ve done my part to keep that count up!
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YOUR LIFE

Instead of focusing on what others think about us, we can focus on what we think of ourselves. An entire arena of potential unhappiness is dissolved when we simply stop worrying so much about what others think of us. With this one shift, you'll have the freedom to try something and then change your mind if you don't like it. You won't be worried that people will judge you for quitting, even when your goal in quitting one path is to pursue what you hope will be a better road. You can try and fail, and get right back up to try again if that is what your inner guidance says to do - without worrying that others will be gossiping about your initial failure. What do people know of your deepest aspirations and dreams, of your faith and hopes and unrealized potential? People usually only know what they can see, if that.   If we try to please people's judgmental perceptions and opinions all the time, we'll be spending a great deal of our focus, energy, and other resources on a superficial dance of outer appearances that ultimately dissolves. So many of the things we do that keep us from being happy, and so many of the things we don't do that would make us happy, come from concern over what other people might say or think about us.   Many have disregarded their deepest goals because they didn't want to disrupt whatever plans their family had made on their behalf. Some may have been scheduled to go to college, but found something else that was their true calling. Yet, many would squelch that inner passion and longing, just so nobody will get mad at them for going against expectations. Entire lives have been built on trying to please and impress others, with entire dreams for true happiness left, lost and abandoned, by the roadside.   What's important in living a happy life is to have what you need and want, and not what other people will be impressed by, or what they think you should need or want. And your other job is to strive to keep your needs and wants in harmony with your higher nature, and with the deep inner wellspring of soul wisdom that knows exactly what you truly need in every moment. Of course, it is fine and well to listen and take into account the advice of those whose opinions you respect, yet, once you are officially an adult in society's eyes, your life is your responsibility. Don't let others bring you down!   Maybe you were born with a talent and love for playing musical instruments, but your macho father pushed you to spend your after school time in sports. Maybe you had spiritual or artistic aspirations that were squelched by those who wanted you to focus on endeavors they thought were more important. Maybe your parents wanted to be grandparents, and you decided to have children to fulfill those expectations.   I remember years ago, while I was living in the monastery, my grandmother tried to convince me to marry and have children. Her main reason that one should have kids was so you'll have someone to take care of you when you're old. What a gamble that is: spend two decades of your life slaving away for a child you may not even want, with expectations of great rewards in the distant future - and hope that you don't end up with a Goth freak who hates you and runs away from home, or one of any other variety of possible outcomes that might keep you from getting your expected returns from this substantial investment. So many unwanted situations come from this one quality of caring too much about what other people think of us.   Even if you spend all your efforts to please everybody, truthfully, in the end, none of that really matters so much. You may do everything that people want you to do, and then do one thing wrong, and find yourself being harshly judged anyway.   I first learned not to let others bring me down as a child, when my family moved from a simple, poorer city into a much wealthier suburb. My sister and I experienced a great deal of prejudice from the other children, most of whom were much more well-dressed and well cared for than we were. Of course, children can sometimes reveal the more animalistic tendencies of the untamed human nature, and I experienced many encounters with young ones who thought they could bring themselves up by pushing others down. Although this was not a pleasant experience, it did teach me to hold my own in life, and to not let others bring me down - try, though they might.   For several years, until finally moving into the more pleasant and friendly waters of junior high school, I experienced being somewhat of an outcast. Although the experience was often challenging, during this time, I also gained some precious blessings. Unlike many of my fellow classmates, I was not so focused on social hierarchies or childish spats. I learned to enjoy being alone. I became more inwardly focused, and found a certain peaceful enjoyment there. I learned to watch the world, and to listen to my inner soul, even though I didn't call it that at the time.   This inner growth prepared me, by age twenty, to make the biggest leap of trust that I'd made up till that point. After being brought up as an atheist my whole life, I left right in the middle of college to pursue a monastic life. I moved into the ashram of my guru, Swami Muktananda.   For me, leaving college to move into an Indian ashram at age twenty was definitely an unexpected twist - not only for me, but for my friends and family as well. After all, this took place in 1980, long before topics such as spirituality, yoga, gurus, or meditation became familiar and prevalent in society. About the only spiritual books you could find in those days were pop-psychology paperbacks and old, occult-style books. Moving into an ashram was simply not an acceptable choice to make in our suburban town.   Yet, I thank God that I found the strength to follow my heart's calling, in spite of having to take the heat of other people's burned expectations. In fact, because of the independent spirit I'd developed during my childhood years, I really didn't feel very much heat at all. I was inwardly guided to take this surprising step, and nobody was going to be able to keep me down.   The next ten years of monastic life transformed and uplifted me from the inside, out. I thank God every day that I was able to follow my own guidance instead of relying on the group mentality of my society at that time. From this successful leap of faith, I learned that you don't need to have the approval of everyone else in order to be happy. Therefore, my suggestion is to keep your focus on what you believe is right, while remaining open to any helpful suggestions that come from those around you.   Even to progress in our spiritual evolution, we have to have some detachment from the opinions and expectations of others. For example, if you have evolved to a point of seeing beyond certain limited perspectives, well, you can be sure that people who still have those limited perspectives aren't going to want you to come around and mess with them. I remember years ago when, if I mentioned to someone that I did yoga, they would look shocked at my doing something so weird, or they may have made fun of me for doing something so strange. Of course, now yoga is all over the place, but if I had waited to enjoy its benefits until the rest of society caught up to it, then I would have missed the best opportunities of my life.   Although you may find it beneficial to fit into whatever culture and social system you've taken birth into, you don't have to be limited by such structures in your own mind, heart, and soul. Don't let others bring you down.   For example, if you believe that death is not bad, but is rather the passing of a soul into heaven, or back into its original nature, then don't let the anguish and sorrow of others keep you from trusting your higher vision when someone you know passes over. This is where the dual awareness explained earlier can also come in handy. You can use the idea of dual awareness to feel and express the appropriate sadness for having lost someone, while also remaining anchored in faith and trust that all is well, and that the person is cradled in God's Loving Hands.   Don't let others keep you from singing the song you are here to sing in this grand symphony of life. Find your song. Find your essence. Find your dreams. Find your greatest destiny. Find your path of harmony, and you'll also find spiritual happiness.
luvlif

luvlif

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2/16

He was abrupt & rude to-day when I called.... then I remembered that's how he behaves when I'm upset Later I stopped into p/u checks....him & her were argueing.... he had his arms folded across his chest...(defensive) she didn't look too happy to see me ...what no sweetie pie smile? I BET SHE'S PISSED ABOUT 5% & HE PROBABLY GAVE IT TO HER ABOUT CANCELLING MY APT & SHIT STIRRING....I HAD TOLD HIM SHE ONLY TOLD HIM A 1/2 TRUTH ON SAT... YESTERDAY I MENTIONED IT AGAIN" My darling " I said quietly he got it.HIS LOOK SAID "I LOVE YOU"..then rubbed his face like he does when he's caught in a lie....she was bullying him BUSTED!
luvlif

luvlif

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3/26

Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inhibitions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten
luvlif

luvlif

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You Know Your a Bandster When....

You Know Your a Bandster When....   *I have a date" does not mean your going out. *You have baby food in the house and no baby. * "I'm a loser" is a good thing. * All of your silverware says Gerber. * "Welcome to the other side" doesn't include death. * New clothes fall off in a month. * You get excited about hand me downs. * The scale at Wal-Mart no longer says "one at a time please". * getting wrinkles is a good thing. * "Just water for me please". * Hitting the "Century Mark" is actually a good thing. * You can be touched by an angel and still not be considered crazy. * When your rear end no longer looks like a mudslide. * When the word lap has nothing to do with a strip club. * Other women are calling you "bitch" behind your back. * When you are glared at in the plus size department because you don't belong there". * When you really don't have a thing to wear. * You have to prove you are the person on the drivers license. * You start being in the pictures not behind the camera. * You want to hug everyone fat and hand them your surgeons card. * You are never parted from a bottle of water * When you order a doggy bag at the same time as your meal. * Being too small for your britches. * When the only way your nipples are where they belong is to roll them up, position them with your bra and secure with a ponytail holder. * When you go pick up your child at school and all the other kids say "WOW, your mom is hot!" * When you got to the mall a take the first available space instead of circling 20 minutes for one closer to the door. * You truly are a "cheap date". * When one drink makes you flipping floozy! * When you run to the door and don't hear a flapping sound. * You flip your shirt to show complete strangers your scar. * Vitamins feel like a meal. * You go from a 56DDDD to 32AAA in a year and didn't have a breast reduction. * You've just lost 100 lbs and run into a high school friend who asks "did you change your hair?" * You can cross your legs... both of them * Instead of a Wonder Bra you need a Wonder Where They Went Bra * When your obsession from food turns to your scale. * They no longer call 911 for the Jaws of life to extricate you from a turnstile. * No more velcro shoes * "Checking for leaks" no longer includes your panties * When your stairmaster is no longer used for drying your fine washables * Your mother says "You don't eat enough" * When your doctor looks you in the eye and says "I know you will have sucess with this." * Having sex your husband complains that your hip bones are poking him. * You can wear corderoy pants without igniting a fire * When you wave and your upper arms wave back * You safety pin your underwear * Someone phones and thinks your husband is sneaking around with some skinny mistress * Cannot blame the cat for shedding * The kids wonder what happened to the cake and cookie god..did he die???     Things I want to accomplish on this journey Cross my legs without having to tilt to oneside wrap a normal size towel around myself Have more energy-Check Work out in a gym Look at myself in the mirror and not crinch-Check Buy a Purple Harley Stop putting off tomorrow what I can do today Tuck my shirt in Wear a belt- Shop at MACY'S for my "You've Finally Made It Outfit"
luvlif

luvlif

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2/26

went to Macys last night & bought a suit for tomorrow night. I look good in it! I had a few phobic moments before I tried on the pants(18 w) remembering last yr & how 20w wouldn't fit before the awards dinner & how upset I was. 2 common signs when I eat: 1. My nose runs after 3 bites 2.I look @ a big plate of food & know I can't eat it
luvlif

luvlif

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YODA

"Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try." ~Yoda
luvlif

luvlif

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192.5lbs by july 4 = 8 lbs a month

4/4 : weight: lbs lost: goal 225 4/11: weight: lbs lost: goal 222.5 4/18: weight: lbs lost: goal 220 4/25: weight: lbs lost: goal 217.5   5/2: weight: lbs lost: goal 215 5/9: weight: lbs lost: goal 212.5 5/16: weight: lbs lost: goal 210 5/23: weight: lbs lost: goal 207.5 5/30: weight: lbs lost: goal 205   6/6: weight: lbs lost: goal 202.5 6/13: weight: lbs lost: goal 200 6/20: weight: lbs lost: goal 197.5:D onederland 6/27: weight: lbs lost: goal 195   7/4: weight: lbs lost: goal 192.5 7/11   8/1:184   9/5:176   10/3:168   11/7:160   12/5:152   12/14:150!
luvlif

luvlif

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3/25 likin' how I look!

Overeaters Anonymous lessons to remember on this journey: (Mostly from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)   "It works if you work it!" "Half measures availed us nothing."   "Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfection. We are not saints. We claim progress rather than perfection."   'The Promises' If we are painstaking about this phase of our developmet, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole atttude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that [our higher power] is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.   Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
luvlif

luvlif

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