Insecurity

It sounds like he is very insecure.. I have been with my husband for 13 years and Married for 12 of those years.. it got ugly between him and I when I was fatter. I felt that he lost respect for me, Since my surgery I am down a lil over 60 lbs .. (girl you have done awesome with your band!) but my husband has been so clingy lately. This surgery has made my relationship with my husband way better. Hang in there and maybe seek some counseling? I don't know but I wish you the best.. honestly I know being married ain't easy...

It sounds like you are the one that is changing and not him. You mentioned that he never gives you compliments and I wonder if he did that before? I would guess not and if he didn't you really can't expect him to do things differently now. I think we are not supposed to make any life changing decisions too soon after a major event in our lives (a death, a birth, a financial windfall etc)and I think WLS is one of those things so if I were you I would put out some feelers to him about conseling or at least just try talking to him about how you feel and find out how he feels. Give it all you've got cause good men are hard to find.

Your advice is right on - I would also add this. It it impossible to change someone else - the only thing we have power over is our own actions. I have learned to be more tolerant and understanding over time. I hope that Laura's husband will adapt and regain his self-confidence so that they can grow old together.

This is going to sound ridiculous, but he is acting this way because he loves you. He probably was secure in you being a bigger girl because, well society puts us last, you have accomplished such a huge loss in a short time, it's a shock for everyone. You are probably primping and glowing all over the place, and that gets his attention, don't kid yourself, but he doesn't want it to get anyone else's attention. Just do your best to make him feel secure, and if it is something that won't blow up... ask him what he thinks. I know it is hard to seperate when someone is working things out with themself or a personal attack. Remember, whatever negative comes out of his mouth is HIS emotion that needs work. Just love him, but because this is such a drastic change, you guys are going to have to kick up the communication. You're a doll! Great Job!!!

To me, it sounds like he married the fat girl, and was comfortable with that. It made him feel confident in the relationship because he was "Good Enough" for you. Now that you are losing weight, he is worried that he is no longer "Good Enough", and that you will find a better replacement.

I think that a pretty common feeling in couples when someone makes self improvements, or one is obviously better looking that the other. Like with me, I have been overweight my whole life, and am self-conscious about it. Well my wife is a former model, and weighs about 115 lbs.. I have to admit that every time she goes out without me, there is a small voice in the back of my head saying "She's going to find a hot guy, and replace me". My logical mind knows that this is not true - we have the perfect marraige, but it's just something that you can't turn off. I just keep it completely to myself, and would never say anything to her about it. The quickest way to push her away would be to try to bottle her up.

It sounds like to me that you need to confirm to him that you ONLY want to be with him, and no matter how much weight you lose, HE is the one you want to be with. If I were in the situation, words like that would go a LONG way towards easing my insecurities. Another trick may be the next time you go out with your girls, get home and tell him that you were thinking about him all night, and then jump his bones

t's great that we feel prettier and more sexy...it's a good thing but maybe you need to show hubby you still have it for him. Telling him would help but with men, sex usually works best!! Maybe you could show him!

Well I can tell you that I think he is really just insecure... You are a hottie!

Maybe you need to have a heart to heart with him. Sit him down and tell him how you feel. Let him know that you are proud of yourself for doing so well on your band and you share your pictures here because we can offer you the support you need because we all understand the struggle weight loss can be. Let him know that you haven't changed ~ you're just healthier now. That just means you can live a longer, more fulfilling life with him. Tell him that you married him for better or for worse, and remind him that he loved you at your "worst" healthwise and now you want him to love you now that you're better. If he is hard to talk to, write him a letter. I do this often with my husband because then he can concentrate on my words an not my, um... attitude. It seems to sink in better for him that way.

To be very honest here, I do detect a bit of an attitude with your weight loss, your husband feels he has lost the old you who he loved fat, now that you are thinner he wants you back... His feelings are real for him, don't make him wrong for feeling the way he feels, I think you need to just keep reminding him you love him and would never hurt him...Did you go out with your girlfriends before you lost the weight or is this a new thing??? If it's something new, I don't blame your husband at all for feeling that way...Good luck and hopefully it will work out...

I don't think you have serious issues. I have noticed how insecure my husband is, regardless of how I look. I met him when I was 19 and 'only' 142 lbs. Way back when he thought I was fat. We didn't talk for a few years and then we met again I weight 180 lbs and then I gained and gained and he married me at 230. My highest recorded weight was 286 within the last year or so.

Anyway I was insecure for years about how I looked. I've 'only' lost 50 lbs and truly have about 100 lbs before I am at goal...but I wear lower cut shirts, I feel better about myself. I am going to counseling and letting my needs be known. HOWEVER, he never compliments me unless I fish for it. If I say my pants are too big he says thats a great problem to have. Or if I say I weigh xxx now he says 'way to go'. But I never get a 'wow you look great' without fishing for it.

I think it is wrong for others to point out your CONFIDENCE and say you shouldn't have it. There is nothing wrong and it is absolutely necessary that we change with this journey.

So what if you think you are a sexi mamma etc... YOU ARE!!! And if you go out with friends its because you aren't embarrassed to be in public anymore. You are entitled to your life and friends and getting away. HOWEVER if you are ever unhappy goto counseling before you do anything. And if after counseling it doesn't work you've done your best.

If anything goto counseling to deal with your emotions on this, you can't fix him but you can fix you!

You look great and be proud! He sounds pretty insecure to me. I'd make sure you let him know how much he means to you, and no matter how much you change on the OUTSIDE, you are the same person INSIDE, and your love for him won't change. BUT I would address his insecurities and jealousy with him, let him know how it makes you feel and see if he offers up WHY he feels that way. Worse can scenario...maybe some marital counseling would do you both some good. It always helps to have a neutral 3rd party listening in to the he said/she said thing.

It definately sounds like insecurity on your husband's part. Men are so funny, just last week I told my DH that I was going to a Christmas party and he got so upset but didn't really show it so I was like, OK. The next day I got a long voice mail on my cellphone (very unexpected) that took me by suprise. When I confronted him about it, he told me straight out that he was the jealous type and wasn't use to me getting all this attention. Who would have thunk it, after 10 yrs of not knowing this?!?!

I appreciated him for telling me that because my DH has always displayed confidence and never a jealous bone in his body (at least I thought). Anyway, I have started to judge my words with him a little better than before, I didn't mind telling him about someone hitting on me or making comments about my figure because of the person he is but now I don't do that. My DH is great, he has been my #1 cheerleader before and after WLS and I am greatful for his support. I wouldn't want to do anything to make my hubby feel insecure.

Seeking counsel is the best advice anyone could give you. My WL has definately changed my DH but for the better, he was already the greatest and now he loves the confidence WL has given me.

Hi Laura! I have experience everything that you have experienced and have been married 21 years. I was skinny when he married me and just continued to gain weight over the years. We hardley ever had sex but once every month in a half or hugged or got affectionate. I missed those things so very much. My husband would still want to have sex but it was more me because I didnt want to because I felt fat and thought I looked horrible. I still do have a problem with wanting to have sex just becuase I still feel fat and ugly. Dont get me wrong I love to have sex and we have it more often then we did before and it seems the more sex we have the more comfortable he feels about me going out. Its kinda funny how things are sometimes, but give it a chance and they will work out. Men sometimes need more reassurance then we do. When I had my surgery in Feb. 06 he continued to tell me that I would leave him and I continued to tell him that I love him and would always love him unless he just became more of an a**hole. Well he became more of an a**hole and we had to do some serious talking to save our marriage. I did begin to go out with my friends once a month as well and would feel like I just needed a break from the kiddos and everything eles. Everytime I step out the door to go out he gets upset and jealous and I have to reassure him that I love him and its just something he will have to get use to. We now go out together but I still make time for my friends as well. I go to Therapy once a month and my hubby will be going with me soon because I feel like its more his issues then mine. My husband sometimes will catch himself with the jealously stuff but I tell him that we have come to far in this marraige and that he just needs to trust me and that he shouldbe happy that I have more confidence and that I feel healthy. Sorry to keep carrying on but I know that things will work out for me so I believe they will work out. Keep your head up and try communicating more

I've lived this from both sides. My husband has had the same weight issues all his adult life that I've had. Up and down, up and down. We met each other about four years ago when we were both in the going down phase (although I now weigh about 60 lbs less than when we met!). He was at the perfect weight for him when we met.

When we moved in together, and eventually married- we both started putting the weight back on. Mine leveled out at about 10 lbs more than when we met, but his continued to climb. He decided to join a gym and start dieting and it FREAKED ME OUT. I was so worried that he'd get thin and would not want to be with his fat wife anymore. That's when I started looking into lapband. I knew that if I didn't do something about my weight- my insecurities would kill our marriage, even though he never made ONE.SINGLE.COMMENT about my weight.

Then the tables turned. He was sure I'd leave him when *I* got thin- or possibly nag him about his weight. Neither happened- because I love him no matter what weight he is. Not only is he a handsome devil, he's the kindest, most wonderful man I've ever met.

My point is, insecurity does funny things to us. Change makes insecure people even more insecure.

I hope that this is just a phase for your husband, as it was for my husband. Eventually, my husband learned that I wasn't going anywhere and he's back to his ol' secure self. I honestly don't know how I would have acted, if the tables were turned, because of my HORRIBLE insecurities.

I hope that the two sides of the story helps!