Okay... so I have this story to tell.....

I get a call tonight from a friend (we will call her "Jane") in absolute TEARS and huffing and puffing and groaning. After I get Jane somewhat calmed, she tells me she is divorcing her husband (we will call him "John") because he had an affair.

I WAS FLOORED!! They had a MAGNIFICENT relationship and he was very loving and attentive to her. John seemed to truly love Jane without reservations.

Here is what happened:

At first John was not supportive of Jane having gastric bypass (she had it before she and I knew about the band option). Anyways, Jane had gastric bypass about 2 years ago. When Jane had the surgery she was 387 and 5'7" tall. She was a bit big and I was one of her only friends that have stayed friends with her through the entire thing. I knew how badly Jane wanted this for herself. We talked about all kinds of things and she felt that this could make her marriage stronger by being healthy, living longer, and a better sex life. Anyways.... John became a somewhat supporter but did not really ever get into it. He didn't say no, but he didn't really oppose it in front of her.

Jane had the surgery and is today about 195 lbs. She looks AWESOME!!!

Jane found her husband sleeping with another woman. She MET the woman!! (longer story, but she actually came to her house to ask Jane to leave John) As it turns out, John is no longer sexually and physically attracted to Jane. She is no longer large enough he says!!! He said he wanted to tell her that he was a "chubby chaser" but was embarrassed. He said he was no longer happy in the marriage intimately and wanted to seperate. He said that he preferred her sexually as a large woman and now that she is forced to be smaller, he is no longer attracted to her.

She asked about their current sex life. He said that he did have feeling for her and wanted her to be happy, but that he would "imagine" her as she used to be.... big.

When he had been confronted about the affair, he went into the office and got a letter he had written to her trying to explain his feelings. He said he was planning on telling her this weekend. (labor day weekend, when they were at his parents house for a mini vacation for 4 days!!!) Not the best timing in my book, but he is a man remember. His mother and her get along very well as her mother died 5 years ago from heart disease. So he thought it would be the best place to tell her so she had someone "like a mother" to support her. He had already bought a return ticket, returning 2 days before her.

She was puzzled because he used to hoot and holler with his friends during football games at the cheerleaders and the sexy commercials. So she asks him... he says, "well that is what they expected from me, so I gave it to them. I didn't want them to think I was wierd but I really find it disgusting to be with a 'thinnie'." He told Jane that he did not want to lose their friendship. He told her that he did still love her and wanted to remain friends. He said (and has been) giving her free reign on anything she wants in the divorce so far. They have a 19 year old daughter and had been married for 23 years. He says she is his best friend and does not want that to change but does not want to be romantically involved with her. It has been 2 weeks now. He is not dating the girl he cheated with but is dating another girl.... a BIG girl. He is remaining true to his word in wanting to be friends. He is not fighting about anything.

Now, some background on John.... He is successful, intelligent, somewhat good looking for an older guy (once you really get to know him), a great personality to talk to, 5'9" tall and about 190 lbs with a medium build. Not skinny, not big, just a guy.

Jane is a mess but coping. She says that John has NEVER lied to her before. I believe that because he didn't strike me as the "sneaky" type. But, she had NO clue about the affair. It wasn't the ONLY reason, but one of the major reasons Jane did the bypass was to be more attractive for her husband. She called me because he had brought over the divorce papers (and gave her just about everything). She says he has been very sweet and seemed concerned about her, but is distant for anything intimate. (and she admits to trying)

This is obviously the shortened version.... the whole saga actually went on for hours on the phone.

SO MY QUESTION TO YOU IS:

Do you believe John??? Or is he just an asshole?

Irony certainly is a bitch huh???

You have to look at the reason why he cheated. He wasn't getting something he felt he needed at home.

Do not know if I agree with that...

I have a good friend, who is marreid to a wonderful woman, who gives everything to this man, even sexually. They have a nice home , both have good jobs, very happy marriage, 2 beautiful children, he loves her dearly and will never leave her but he just cheats! Period! Always has and always will. I think some men are programmed that way regardless if they are getting everything they need at home. If my husband cheated there is no way in hell I would allow him to blame it one me because of something I was not giving him at home so. I'm a damn good woman who gives 100% to this marriage in every aspect, there is no way the blame would be put on me for his cheating ways. Penni please do not tell me that your man cheated on you because of something he was not getting from you at home.. You do not believe that do you?..You are a damn good woman, his cheating is not your fault

In my book if my man is not getting what he thought he needed at home, then Bye Bye, do not let the door hit you in the ass, if he is not happy then move on but do not cheat and do it, be a man and let me know you are unhappy and want to be with other woman and leave gracefully without hurting the other person.

I do believe there are men out there who do like heavy woman but it is no reason to cheat because your wife lost weight.

"you lost weight" makes the same amount of sense as "it just happened" - absolutely none.

If you don't want to be married - then don't be married. Don't try to blame it on the other person.

It's those damn pheromones!

But seriously, this brings me to something a really hot guy told me back in the old dating days. We had been "dating" for a couple months before it occurred to me that our entire relationship was in the bedroom. When I asked why we never went out, he was very honest. He said sex with me was better than all the skinny girls put together, and all guys love sex with fat girls but they're too embarrassed of what their friends will think. He found me extremely desirable but was embarrassed to be seen with me. He also believed the reason heavy women are so good in bed is because they are so desperate that they give the best blowjobs, which is something I never even did for him, so he apparently had a lot of big girl sex for that comparison study.

That made me open my eyes to all the different guys that passed through my life in my 20s. I was a prude back then (probably why the wild woman came out later.) Lots of hot guys tried getting me in bed but it was rare to be asked out on a real date. So that guy hurt me terribly by what he said, but he actually helped me tremendously at the same time. I stopped getting used that day - from him and all the other guys that were too embarrassed to be seen with me.

The sad thing is I was about a size 16 or 18. For a tall girl, that's not extremely huge. I look at pics and WISH I looked that awesome now.

Michelle, I am not saying I feel like it was my fault he cheated. I am saying that it takes two people to work at a relationship and keep it going.

If Jane's John thought he wasn't getting something at home he FELT he needed then he would of course look elsewhere instead of talking to his wife. Some people do that. I didn't mean all couples are like that. But for the most part what I have seen that is the reason for someone cheating. I am not saying Jane didn't give him her all but obviously it wasn't what John wanted or felt fulfilled his needs.

He was a jerk for cheating period. I am saying that there are always two sides to every story. He obviously wasn't happy and most times the wife is the last to know.

It is sad all the way around.

John and I are great now. Counseling works wonders.

John and I are great now. Counseling works wonders.

I'm so happy to hear that..great news

Okay, first of all the use of the words "chubby chasers" was our words (jane and me) not John. So I am sorry if this offended anyone but I don't particularly find it offensive as a big girl. But I do apologize if it offended anyone.

On to John, he was NOT having any type of intimacy with his wife during the affair. He IS guilt ridden and DOES feel bad. He is doing everything in his power to try and make this better. He doesnt not love her anymore, he just is not happy on an intimate level. He does want to remain best friends with her but does not want the intimacy. Realizing he can not have the marriage and cheat, he was ending the relationship. In his eyes, it was better to let her move on with another man rather than keep her in a relationship where she wasn't happy intimately either.

Jane is doing okay. She is confused though as she thought divorces were supposed to be nasty. And he is being VERY accomodating on her every whim. He doesn't have to be, but she says she really thinks he is wanting to be that way. She believes him. I believe him. I am NOT saying it is justified and neither is she. She agrees that the marriage is over, but is glad it is not a realization 10 or 15 years from now. She does think she can recoup from this. She does think she is young enough (she is 48) to enjoy another relationship. The kids are out of the house, she is looking great (and I mean great!) and she has a fantastic sense of humor and is fun to be around. She is VERY sad that the marriage has ended as she loves John. But..... she is also saying she is grateful that he came to this realization now. Granted, he cheated on her before he told her. That was wrong. VERY wrong. But.... he did have the intentions of telling her the end of the marriage was here and cared enough about her to tell her with a support group for HER, not him. The cheating part sucked, but she is more devastated that he would have been happier had she not lost the weight. She is more upset she didn't KNOW this, so that she probably would have felt more comfy in her own skin. She merely thought that John never complained about it, but would prefer thin.

John is NOT saying he does not love Jane. He is NOT being unemotional about this. But he does not want to waste her or his time in a situation where he feels he will never be sexually satisfied on a intimate level. And he does not want to sneak around having affairs. He says he has never had an affair on her. She believes him. I believe him. The affair that did happen was circumstance easy and was weak on his part which he fully admits and is extremely apologetic. The reason why the "other woman" had come to the house was because John had told her that he did not want to continue the sexual relationship they built over the past 2 weeks behind Jane's back. He said he needed to have a few months of not seeing "other woman" in order to deal with the current situation. The "other woman" took this as her cue to tell Jane to force the few months into immediate. NOT the way it happened. John has nothing to do with the "other woman" now.

He admits he was not going to tell her about the cheating. But because he did not want to make things worse for Jane because of his own shitty choice. He totally admits it.

He is getting the divorce, he doesn't HAVE to be cordial, doen't HAVE to give her everything. But he is.

I guess you have to know John. He is VERY sensitive and I know this is tearing him up too. He does love Jane very much. I can see where he is trying to save Jane more than himself because generally that is the kind of guy he is.

This whole thing has me very confused though. On one hand I hate him for cheating and being an asshole.... on the other hand, I respect him taking the responsibility and the blame. I hate him for hurting my friend. I miss him because he was my friend once too. My loyalties lie with Jane, no doubt about it. But I do know that Jane was the "friend maker" of the relationship. His parents are more her parents. He has no siblings. So part of me feels sorry for him that he has no one to talk to.

The saga continues. But I wanted to let you all know that Jane is a very strong woman and is also empowered by this. (even now). She is sad, heartbroken, but does know she will survive this.

I told her I put this on here with fake names. Ya wanna know what she said to me?? "I wish I would have read the same story before I had the bypass. Maybe then I could have been armed with knowledge of how he felt/thought/desired rather than just supporting me as a person and what I wanted. Maybe it wouldn't have changed my mind, maybe it would have, but at least it wouldnt have been a brick upside my head!"

(((((SIGH)))))

I totally believe that is why he cheated. But how completely selfish of him! I would be crushed if my boyfriend only loved me for physical appearences only. I hope he doesn't. That's terrible. I can't offer anything else that hasn't been said here. Even I don't want to end up "skinny" - skinny for me? YES! But skinny for me would be a 14-16 and I'd be hella happy if I can get there. I'm currently a 26-28 heading into a 30 before banding. That was my concern - for gaining more! I love being a plus sized lady - I just didn't want to end up SUPER PLUS sized lady. Such a sad situation - sorry I can't offer more here

For those of you who are following the "jane saga". Jane turned frustration into EXERCISE! She is now a health nut and goes to the gym for "social pilates" and has made a whole new network of friends. She still isn't dating. She admits this holiday is going to be hard. But...... SHE LOOKS FANTASTIC!!! She is now down to 180 and very toned. She had been battling a saggy skin issue but it is going away with her Pilates!!

"John" is still with the larger woman. He still has guilt and checks on Jane often as a friend. Jane is happy that John is happy and has said that her New Years Resolution will be to dive into the dating world, nothing serious, but casual dating.

Will keep you updated.... I am completely intrigued with her attitude and strength by now.

Thank you Princess for our own little "To be continued..." soap opera. I can't wait for the next installement!

I just found this thread.

To quote Keanu Reeves...

"whoa."

thanks for the update

De Larla ...little offended at the comparison to Nig*** Don't think you meant anything by it...just struck a bad note so I thought I would tell ya.

And the saga continues.....

Jane is doing fantastic. She continues to be at a healthy weight (around 170lbs now). She has been involved heavily in divorced weight loss support groups. She tells me that manyyyyyy people had the same thing happen to them. She feels blessed that John was so honest with her and the charade did not continue for long. She and John are still friends and they even go to dinner for chats.

As for John, he is no longer with the larger "other" woman. I guess this other woman saw how fantastic Jane feels (I guess there is a side story that the two women have actually struck a friendship and have been talking a great deal) and has decided to have a consult with Jane's surgeon to be approved. John decided to end that relationship.

Its funny though huh? Some women worry about gaining weight after getting married being viewed as bad for their marriage and some women have to actually deal with losing their weight as bad for their marriage. I just thought this was ironic.

I admire Jane for being so strong and positive. At first I had my doubts that she was really portraying her true feelings... not no more.

Plus, Jane started dating another bypass patient that she met in the waiting room at her doctors office! It has been 2 weeks now and she is very happy.

Wow, what a story! I am glad your friend is doing so great!

Go Janey Go Janey Go Janey