:paranoid O.k. First I've always had a low self esteem. Mostly when it comes to MEN and sex. I guess because I don't like my body especialy after having kids and gaining weight with each of them. My Dh has never seen my body completly naked since I had kids. And I know he doesn't understand why I've gotten shy towards having sex. I know if i lose weight this belly will drop down and become even uglier. A apron my mother calls it. My issue is this...I'm already feeling a little resentful that my DH will pay more attention to when I lose weight then he did before . I'm worried I'll end up feeling like he likes me better after I loss weight. Does it bother anyone when their partner looks at other naked movies/pis whatever. What if I come to find out my DH isn't attractied to now. This has been very hard to write, even harder to click the submit botton. Please handle w/ care.

Thanks, Tina

I would concentrate more about being the better, healthier you! I don't know of many men who don't google at other sexy women when they can, huh Greg. Obviously, you're doing this for you.

I remember just before my surgery a friend told my DH, isn't that great she's having this surgery for you, I said, "hold it, I'm doing this for ME!", and it's still the reason I had it done. If you DH loved you heavy, he will love the healthier, slimmer you even more.

Pat is right, don't worry about that now. If after you lose all your weight, you DH wants you to look better, let him give you a TT for Christmas or something. The most important thing right now is you and your health. By the way, since I have lost weight, my DH looks at me more, but with a beautiful smile on his face.

((hugs))

We know that the largest sex organ is skin. Not the dangly bits, or the hidden bits, but the skin. The most important sex organ is not the dangly bits, or the hidden bits, but the brain. One of the things that you need to do is convince yourself that you are sexy NOW. Trust me, I know what I’m asking of you. Think about the things that make you feel sexy, it might be a fab perfume, or the caress of silk, or something totally unique to you.

One of the things that helped me was bellydancing. Yup, I was the fattest bellydancer in my troupe, but I’ve been generally the fattest everything… Part of belly dancing is the attitude—you have to make people believe you are hot stuff. By pretending that I was hot stuff I finally convinced myself that I actually am hot stuff. You may not believe it for a long while, but like with any skill, after you practice long enough, you will have that skill.

Trust me, once you start practicing this new skill, the skill of being sexy, your DH will be have no need of porn…

My DH teases that his problem isn’t that he’s overweight, but that he’s oversexed….

Tina,

Good for you for writing the questions and having the courage to click the submit button.

I doubt very much there is anything any of us can say that will change your mind about yourself. The person I think you need to talk to is your husband.

The concerns you bring up are all very important- and you deserve to have some answers to them. It's very, very hard to talk about these kinds of things. I tend to "freeze" when I have to talk about some issues...I've gotten a lot better now that I feel better about myself. The way I brought up issues to a boyfriend or even just a friend in the past is to write them a letter. Give it to him, and then arrange a time when you can talk about it after he's had time to give it some thought. Make sure the kids are in bed or at a babysitter. This is a very important talk to have, and it may save your marriage and I bet it increases your self esteem.

Good luck, and you are a worthwhile, beautiful person who deserves a great sex life no matter what you weigh or how your skin looks.

Megan

Thanks all...............

Everyone I know is thin or have an awful 10lbs to lose(boo hoo) So theres no understanding among them.

I think theres some underlying issues that need to be addressed between DH and I.

And I think It needs to be resolved before an surgery happens.

Thank you all so much. It's so helpful to hear from other (heavy) women.

:kiss Tina A

I am self-conscious about my body. I don't parade around nekkid, sex in the dark is MUCH more comfortable, not that we ever have a chance for broad daylight sex since having children, and I am always hiding under large loose clothing, under the sheets, behind the bath towel, you get the idea. It's not a matter of privacy, it's because I know what I look like and I don't like it. I noticed a swollen red/purple stretchmark near my hipbone when I looked for the bruise after banging my fat belly on the seatbelt...long story, leaning over the seat to close the door...anyway, gross! My belly and thighs are covered in them and I get boils on the stretchmarks. Talk about sexy. These are REAL confidence issues that affect MY intimacy with my husband, and my confidence in his attraction to me. I am sure you share similar issues.

I am prepared for the hanging skin, the loose skin, the gross skin, and the necessary tummy tuck and thigh lift to come, but I am afraid to admit that when my husband starts ogling my improved body, I will resent him...he is attracted to me thinner, but not fat. That will make me mad.

However, I am the one pushing him away now, right? It's my issue, because I know my DH loves me and is attracted to me now. As I become more confident and eager and available for his "approval", since now I push it and him away, how can I resent him when I give the "it's okay to be attracted to me now" message?

It's a mind game with me, but I also admit that I am fortunate to have a stay-at-home DH who doesn't care for drinking and partying, trashy mags, porn or any of that. I think I take that for granted and it's something I appreciate alot about him. He will admit to watching a few minutes of "Caliente", some spanish variety show where he doesn't understand a word and has lots of "J Lo" types dancing around...he does like that. hehe, I can live with that.

I am sorry for the difficult time. I hope you and DH get things talked out. It may be a slow change in your relationship, something not fixed easily with one conversation, but at least get it started. Say to him like you said to us, "handle with care", "sensitive subject for me". Glad you hit the submit button. It's good for all of us to talk.

Awwe, Tina, I think you need to spend a weekend with DeLarla. I grew up in sunny Southern California and spent my entire childhood, teens and 20s hiding on the beach under huge t-shirts and shorts. I was so embarrassed about my body. But then one day I decided that THIS IS MY WORLD TOO. This is who I've always been, and who I will ALWAYS be. I have the same rights as anyone else, so I don't hide any more. You have to come to terms with how short life is, then decide to spend the rest of it happy and free from the bondage that hurts you. Now rip your top off and run through the house. Love yourself, hug yourself, embrace life and be free.

As far as your husband goes, that's a tough one considering we don't know the whole story. My gramma once told me something that made a lot of sense about love.

"Do you want to be loved, or be right?" She told me that no men are perfect, and no relationship is perfect. So if you have a guy you love, and he loves you, then you have to make compromises. So only you can decide which things you're willing to compromise on. I would hate for my husband to look at other naked girls - so he doesn't. Ha ha, joke's on me, cuz I'm quite sure he looks at naked girls every chance he gets, he's a man, afterall, but he doesn't do it in front of me.

I'll tell you exactly what I told my husband recently. "Chris, I love you, but I love ME more." Once you love yourself as NUMBER ONE, the rest will come naturally.

Kathy,

I am so proud of you for posting what almost all of us feel I think. What guts! And to you, comes the glory!

If I may, I will share a bit of my story and hope that it will help you feel not alone.

In high school I battled my weight. EXSTREME low self esteem that followed me for a longggg time to come. I never wanted to look like my parents and siblings who were severely obesed. I looked at them on the outside and never saw what I should of at that time, the inside. (knowing what I know now, and after losing my parents, I wish I would of had the wisdom to see it sooner, but alas....)

I did everything, over dieted, over exercised, binged and purged, starved myself. The works. The result.... I had a "10" body. I began modeling. I enjoyed sex and had no quams with showing it off whether it be the beach or a party. I was the ultimate party girl and ultimate fun girl. I settled down to start a family in my early 20's, still with my perfect body. I had a child and worked hard to get it back off. I then had a "9 1/2" but still great.

My energy began to run low and I didn't have the time nor the energy to keep up the lifestyle of constant dieting, exercise and the works. I was killing my body inside for the body outside. I began to gain weight and my husband noticed. He said something. I was apalled. We ended up barely having sex. We parted ways (thankfully) when I was 25. I began to heal from my torment on my body. I began to feel as if I would live at a healthy weight rather than an unhealthy body inside.

I too after 8 years of rising to obesity. Yes, I am now a solid size 18 and climbing. It pains me to look at pictures from nearly 10 years ago and see the change but I am looking at the outside again, not the inside. Everything that happens in our life happens for a reason and shapes and changes who we are today. I can now take each experience and shape myself to who I want to be.

I began to realize that it really does matter who you are INSIDE rather than outside. So many important things come from the inside that portrays you on the outside. It doesn't matter that you have an extra roll or a saggy arm, it is how you feel inside that counts. Your husband, as does mine now (god i love him), will love you for what you gave him from inside. That is what he will see. My husband now is in support of me getting the surgery but only because he knows that it is my decision and what I want. He knows it isn't for him. (and yes, I too have not been naked in front of him in over 2 years so I can relate to you on that).

I may never have that perfect body again, and I may never be without a roll or without a sag somewhere but I will have the perfect "INSIDES" because I am following my heart. I am not striving for a perfect body anymore. I am striving for a better mind, a healthy body, and healthy relationships.

The decision to get the band was my choice, as I hope it is yours. But it is more than that, it isn't about changing your body. It is about making a decision to shape who you are INSIDE.

If you are beautiful inside, you are beautiful on the outside, no matter how large, small, square, round or polka dotted.

As I now sit here, typing, with tears streaming down my cheeks and knowing that even in my choice to share this with you, I have changed and shaped who I am. When you wrote your post and submitted your post you CHANGED and SHAPED yourself. You took a chance, a leap so to say, that there would be others who would share your feelings.

You are on the road to recovery Kathy. Recovery meaning that you will begin healing your insides. Soon, by being healed within you will be healed throughout. In your own time, in your own way, and when you are comfortable you will again enjoy anything that you want. If that involves being nude with your husband in the light, then that is when it will be. When you begin to heal your soul, the rest of you will follow. Emotional recovery and healing Kathy. One day at a time.

I hope this has helped in some small way. Good luck on your travels to healing and may you reach it safely and with speed.

Andretia

By the way: I am still ticked and giggling over the use of the words "dangly bits and hidden bits". LMAO way to go!!!

Okay, beachbabe wrote the initial post, I poured my heart out over my gross skin, so I will take all of your encouragement for me! I LOVE what you said about how we change and shape ourselves, even by doing something as small as hitting the submit button, and just putting it out there. Well said! and so true. Not everyone shares each other's feelings, but we all have something to offer and each person has something to give us, if we listen. Thank you for your encouraging words to all of us who need to hear them!

Beachbabe you mention these issues you have with your husband should be worked on or talked about prior to surgery...I agree 100% that it should be...this seems to be important to you or otherwise you would not have come here and poured out your heart to all of us who you barely know.. I commend you for that

Did you know that some of the insurance companies who cover WLS will make the spouse of the patient go through a physchological evaluation to make sure they are ready for the changes their spouse will go through after WLS both physically and emotionally?

I am in awe about what Andrieta wrote, she is so true in her words. My husband told me the thing that most attracted him to me 15 yrs ago when I was morbidly obese was my confidence. That has stuck with me for years even as I gained more and more wieght. I did not let my confidence die. I held my head high and people loved me for me, for the inside, now those same peole who loved my insides are lovin my outsides too and for those who did not acknolwedge me when I was heavy and now have time for me now because I have lost 80 lbs ..all I can do is feel sorry for how shallow they really are.

You both took your wedding vows seriously Iam sure

Sickness & health

Better or worse

til death do us part.

Your husband loves you now and will love you even more especially when he starts to see how your confidence is flourishing and more so when you are getting noticed by other men Trust me

Thank You All for the positive words.

I read, I cryed and in the end I put my shoulders back, my chin up and said"What about me?" I have a bad habit of letting other people dictate what I think of myself. I'm going to walk forward and let the chips fall where they may. Your right I need to focus on "ME". What I posted doesn't carry the same weight anymore. It doesn't have the same taboo. I feel freer. I'm going to live in the present and as for the future, come what may. Thanks for the pep talk and kind words. I super glued them to my back bone.

Way to go Tina!!! I'm very proud of you and glad you got over your hump..."I super glued them to my backbone" Ha! Well said! Dont' you love LBT?

Hi Tina,

I grew up heavy and even though I had a low self esteem during the school years I have since gotten to the point that I could care less what people think. We have a hot tub in our backyard and live in a 4 plex. Trust me, there have been a few times the neighbors got a little surprise flash. LOL... I love the sun and Water and I came to the conclusion long ago that I have as much right as anybody to enjoy my life. If they think my body is gross than they can look in the other direction. My hubby evidently likes heavy women and I have a bigger fear of what that will bring as I get skinny. His co-workers playfully flirt with me. It doesn't really bug my hubby too much yet but he definitely ponders it. Anyway, best wishes for you and hope you get all your heart's desires. Teresa

Tina, ((Hugs)) girl! I've bumped a thread (80% Divorce Rate) for you to read. Please don't be scared off by the title. But I think you'll be able to relate to a lot of the posts there. Please love and respect yourself! God doesn't make any junk.