I'm really frustrated with my best friend and I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about it so I came here to rant into the abyss.

She said some hurtful things that I'm having a hard time letting go of. Every time we speak she comments about needing to get on track with her diet so that I don't pass her up. It sucks! I didn't realize that my role in our friendship was being the fat one and I guess it's important to her that it stay that way. She is also overweight but has never been morbidly obese. My current weight is probably about where her highest weight has been but she is less right now. Every time we speak she asks me how I'm doing with my weight loss and asks a lot of detailed questions most of which I'm happy to answer as we've been friends for 10 years. Then 2 weeks ago, she sent me a text saying that she doesn't want to talk to me right now because watching me lose weight and looking better is upsetting to her. She said it is triggering her eating disorder of which I was unaware. I responded compassionately even though I was upset and told her it was ok for her to be honest with me about her feelings.

I expected to give her some time and space and see how things go but she texts me almost every day with something sad and horrible about missing her mom or depression or anxiety or her wife or her son's behavior problems and it feels like she's leaning really heavily on me. This might just be a season in our friendship were she needs more support than I do right now. But it's hard for me to hang in there when she says unsupportive things to me and then expects me to just keep responding to 2am texts. Luckily for both of us she lives in another state so she never has to see the look on my face when she makes those comments.

I only told 5 people about my surgery: my mom, my 2 sisters, my husband and my best friend. She lives in another state and we probably only talk about once a month these days. I was counting on her as part of my support system.

She is going through a lot, like all of us. She suffers from depression, struggles with money, has some family issues and lost her mom a year ago. I love her and I worry about her. It makes me sad that I feel like our friendship is not healthy for me.

I don't think I can really claim credit. I'm sure I read it somewhere but I can't remember where. Might have been Boundaries by Cloud and Townshend.

I found a one pager in it. There are plenty of articles going into more detail. Looks like it originated from Stephen Covey. I really like it.

I found a one pager in it. There are plenty of articles going into more detail. Looks like it originated from Stephen Covey. I really like it.

Yes! Wow, you are good at the research!!

I found a one pager in it. There are plenty of articles going into more detail. Looks like it originated from Stephen Covey. I really like it.

Having said that, I read it a little closer and my brain has definitely changed my memory of what withdrawals were. I thought they were times of being needy eg when you feel down and need a shoulder to cry on, or you have to back out of a commitment with a friend coz you're not feeling up to it. Whereas in that table, withdrawals are more negative behaviours. Huh, interesting!

Hmm first thing that comes to mind for me when I hear " withdrawal" is becoming agoraphobic, staying inside your home because people and crowds frighten you. Did you know agoraphobia actually stands for " fear of the marketplace"? A liberal arts education teachs you a bunch of useless but interesting trivia.

Like another poster said, moving on from a friend is hard.

You just gotta do what's best for you. Your goal is probably to be more physically healthy AND mentally healthy. There comes a point when that person can become so toxic that it may negatively affect your progress. That's not being selfish, it's finally thinking of yourself for once.

Thanks for your thoughts guys. To update, I spoke with her today and was gently honest with her about my feelings. I said I understood if she couldn't be part of my support system in this but that I really needed her to not be overtly negative about my body or my choices. She responded by saying that I was being frivolous with my money considering that I'd probably need a bunch of plastic surgery to fix all the "hanging skin" I'm going to end up with. She must've been holding on to that one for a while.

I'm making the healthy choice not to contact her. Turns out that for my own self preservation I can't support her through whatever she's going through mentally right now. I hope things change for her down the road and I'm leaving the door open for our friendship to heal if it can.

I didn't say this so thanks for letting me say it here:

But do you know what just pisses me OFF?!?! Frivolous with money?? Guess who decides that? Me and the person I'm married to FFS. Also, for her information my husband, who has lost 75lbs and looks sexy AF, is pretty on board with my decision to get new boobs down the road! And she is the epitome of a money waster. Spent the inheritance from her mother (25K!) to get necessary training and certification for a new career/starting her own business. And guess who's not working right now because she's decided, 9mo later, that it's not really her "thing" Now THAT is frivolous. I saved my own life with my money thanks very much, *insert immature name-calling here*

Sounds like your friend needs a therapist. I once was a bridesmaid in a wedding where another bridesmaid bowed out, because they could handle seeing our friend get married when they were still single. Exact words. They wanted everyone to know and understand how difficult the wedding events and dress shopping were for them.

Seriously, if your friend doesn’t address her issues and keeps making you feel bad for your successes, then she’s not being a very good friend to you. As friends, sometimes you gotta be the cheerleader and sometimes you get to be the one they’re cheering for.

Wow. Sounds like you've made a healthy choice. Her sniping sounds like it was just shots in the dark to try and hurt you, so don't give them share of mind. This surgery is anything but frivolous!

I would definitely create some distance. She sounds very toxic and your success depends on surrounding yourself with supportive people. This lady is not rooting for your success. Sounds like it’s time to move on

Standing alone is far better than being around people who do not vslue and support you!?

Thanks for the update. Good for you for taking care of YOU by distancing yourself from this unsupportive person, and also for being kind enough to leave the door open for the possibility of the friendship to heal at some point in the future. Hugs.