I think we all have a picture of what we look like in our heads. (I could be wrong on this, I just discovered that not everybody had a radio in their heads. Big shock on my part…) Whether this picture is correct and accurate or a gross misrepresentation of our true physical body is often a factor in our weight. I know that I always thought I was fat, even when I was “normal” sized. Part of that for me was what the scale said, part of that was from the tapes from my childhood. Fat and ugly, fat and ugly, fat and ugly. In my mind I was always a size 24, even when I was a size 7.

Even when I was an athlete, I thought I was fat. Of course, because I was fat, I couldn’t be an athlete. Mind you, I wasn’t actually fat, I was a size 11, and for my body type, well I looked damn fine. Probably part of the mind picture was influenced by the size of my bust, and thanks to my dear mother, I felt like a circus freak. Because the scales said that I weighed 190 pounds, I was told that I was obese. I was told that I needed to exercise more. Mind you, at this time of my life, I was doing judo for 4 hours a week and tae kwon do 10 to 15 hours a week. I was in some serious butt-kicking shape, but I believed that I was obese, I believed that I was fat.

I recently went through some photos with my son from when he was a baby and I could not believe what I looked like. I wasn’t fat, and I sure didn’t look like a circus freak. I looked like a “normal” sized person.

I am using those pictures to build a new “head” picture of myself. A picture of what I want to look like, but this time I hope that I can have an honest and accurate picture of myself.

I don’t want to have the band installed, go through all the hard work involved with this tool, and then fail because I don’t have a true picture of myself. One of the tools I plan to use is the knowledge of the size of my clothes. I know that in those pictures of my baby I was a size 12/14. I wasn’t fat, and once I regain that size again, I won’t be fat then either.

I would like to know how other are changing their “head” pictures, how they are changing and adjusting to their new sizes.

Keri, I don't know what to tell you. It might be worth a look to check back and examine old pix of yourself at various weights, if you can remember what you weighed when. I know that you are rapidly losing weight, so the changes for you are probably dramatic.

Maybe if you look at your before and now pix it will help you see where you are going, based on where you've been. You are probably discovering new features, like suddenly the contours of your face are different, that your nose or chin have more definition.

Maybe you need to spend some time examinine pictures of yourself with a loving but critical eye, noting the detail and definitions, becomeing every more familiier with your new face. And by critical, I don't mean "if you did this better" but more in keeping with the definition of critical in the art critic sense, in a detached sense.

Thanks Vines, for your invaluable words of wisdom. I will have to just look around for some picts. I was noticing that I don't have a whole lot of pictures...I just hated being the biggest person in the picture.

Okay, I just saw this thread. Not sure how I missed it!?!?!? Great topic! I love your picture Vines. You look great!!

My problem is the exact opposite of all of you. I look at pictures of me NOW & say - "Who is that?!? That is NOT me!!!" I still see the thin me that I was when I got married. I have my wedding picture on my wall & when I think of myself in my head, I picture myself as that person. This fat suit I wear everyday isn't for real & I'm just wearing it because it won't freakin' come off!!

Am I totally messed up? Am I not seeing myself for who I really am? At my highest, I was 100 lbs. over weight!! I was and still am OBVIOUSLY fat!!!

Body Disphormia is REAL!! I do the same thing to my husband when we're in public. I ask him all the time if he'll compare me to someone that I am about the same size as. He will point out someone & they are BIGGER then I think I am. BIGGER!! We had to stop doing that because my poor husband felt bad...

I cant remember a time in my life that I felt happy with myself. I grew up chubby and still to this day people call me chubby cheeks. I have lost huge amounts of weight several times and have always put it back on, but even when I was at my smallest(for like 5 mins) I always thought I still looked fat. I had a saggy belly from when I was 17 when I had my first baby and I always tried to diet that saggy belly away and not finding out till years later you cant do anything about the loose skin. I have suffered from anorexia and bulimia. I tried all the pills and the diets. I used to take Epicac(sp) after I ate. I went through terrible times trying to get thin. I dont know if I will ever truely be happy with myself, but I do know this...for the first time in my life I feel kinda comfortable. I remember how disgusting I felt when I seen the scales hit 90kg, but now I am back down to 90 I dont feel as fat as I used to.

I wish I had self confidence and this image that just oozed self assurance, but I dont. I am the girl that cant say No.

I really do wonder how different my life would have been if it hadnt started puit with me being chubby because for the last 16 yrs my life has been one diet after the other, one bout of depression after the other and hiding away so noone would talk about my size.

I am not a nutcase and I hope you guys dont think I am for what I have typed, I just wanted to really get out how much we struggle because of our body image.

Another thing I just thought of...Is it like this for other people??

When I first got the surgery I dreamed of the day I would hit 100kg and get under it. I said to myself please just let me get there and Ill be happy. Well I was realllllllly happy when I reached it but I realised it wasnt enough, so I couldnt wait for the day when I hit 90kg, well I have done that now and I am still not happy, I want to get to the 70s, my final goal was set at the start by myself and the surgeon at 80kg. Now I am getting closer that is not enough...I want more. Am I ungrateful or what??

Pictures of me 6 yrs ago starving myself and lost 50kgs. Lasted about 4 months before I started putting it back on again and ended up where I was before surgery. There is one of me when I was little aged 5 yo and the last one is at a similiar time with my other half. I thought I was sooooo fat is those photos.

Okay Crystal. I have truly been avoiding this thread as it is so hard for me to look back and miss my old self. I have looked at the picture I strive for. I cry. I whine. I moan and whimper about wanting to be no longer fat. But darn it, this thread keeps going and popping up in my new threads list, so maybe that is a sign that I need to look at my "picture" of what I want to be again. Some of you have seen it in my thread I did about 6 months ago and did a side by side for the low bmi's and the critics. Anyways, I told you I would post it for a week then delete the thread. I didn't delete the thread (Kathy begged and I gave in) but I did take those horrid pics down. Someday, I will participate in the before/after picture thread. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it just yet. Not brave enough maybe. I know I have lost 65 lbs but I just don't see it. I don't think I have lost any weight visually. Maybe this is my ultimate demon. In anycase... here goes....

I look at this now and sigh heavily. At the time, I thought I was a bit chubby. Now, I can only hope and wish that I can get this back.

This picture was taken Spring Break 1997. This was only 6 years ago. I weighed 155 in this picture (but I had a lot of muscle tone). I had already had my son and he was 6. I had just lost about 60 lbs from gaining it. (I think this one was the 3rd time I had lost my big gains). The elasticity in my skin was forgiving. Not quite so forgiving now, but then again I am on the 5th (and last) time of losing the weight.

OMGosh!!! Jenna you are beautiful in that picture...I could only dream of looking that good in a two piece. You are one beautiful lady and you are getting very close that weight in the picture. Keep up the great work!

Well I was realllllllly happy when I reached it but I realised it wasnt enough, so I couldnt wait for the day when I hit 90kg, well I have done that now and I am still not happy, I want to get to the 70s, my final goal was set at the start by myself and the surgeon at 80kg. Now I am getting closer that is not enough...I want more. Am I ungrateful or what??

I would not say that you are ungreatful. I would say that you've had a taste of success, and now you want more.

I figued it was time to bump this thread. There are several current threads talking about this, and I thought it was relevent once more.

I'm really glad you bumped this, Jack. I wasn't here when a lot of these people posted, but I happen upon their posts from time to time in my searches and really enjoy what they have to say. Then I look for more recent posts and it makes me sad that they aren't here.