Here's something I wrote last year. I wonder how many of you can relate to this. I also wonder what happens when you have a band, and no matter how much you want to compulsively eat, you can't... you know, when you're actually forced to face your deamons? I think that I've actually faced my deamons... at least I'm pretty sure I've identifed them.

When I was about 10, and for a few years, I went to my aunt’s house every Friday after school. I’d get off of the school bus, walk into her house, sit down in her big red rocking chair, watch television, and she’d bring me whatever I wanted: comic pages from daily newspapers, puzzles, iced tea, hot tea, dinner, Snacks, deserts – anything and everything. I felt like a king – or at least a prince – sitting upon my throne, being tended to by my adoring servants. Even more, I felt the unconditional love my aunt showed me with every act of kindness.

Of all the different things she cooked for me over the years, my absolute favorite was Aunt Kathryn’s Vegetable Soup. I’m sure in the scope of great world culinary achievements it was nothing special, but to me, it was the best stuff in the world. I can remember so many cold Indiana winter nights, sitting in that chair, reading comic strips, drinking hot tea, and eating that delicious vegetable soup.

Fast-forward 12 years. No more rocking chairs, no more servants, no more kingdom. Nobody showing me unconditional love -- at least not in a way I could perceive it as such. food had become a formidable surrogate. After all, who needs love, acceptance, or validation when chocolate ice cream can make you feel the same way? I weighed over 400 pounds at this point, and was obsessed with food. I had been attempting to make “the” vegetable soup for some time, but it took me a couple of years to find the perfect combination of vegetables, meat, spices, and simmering time. Finally, there it was – Aunt Kathryn’s Vegetable Soup. I made it and ate it daily after I first learned how. Every bite became a memory of a time when life was better, when I had no worries, when I was loved and unconditionally accepted.

I remember the day I realized I wasn’t just fat, and that I didn’t just love to eat, but that I had an uncontrollable compulsion to eat. I made a crock pot full of soup, sat down on the couch, turned on the television, and ate a bowl. Then I ate another, and another. Finally, feeling somewhat satisfied, I sat there and half-watched television. I kept thinking about that crock pot of soup, still three-quarters full. It bothered me, for some inexplicable reason. It ate at me. It made me angry that there was still soup there, and that I wasn’t eating it – as if I were wasting one of life’s great opportunities. I had another bowl, and then another. Disgusted with myself, I poured the rest of the soup in a plastic bowl and put it in the back of the refrigerator. Two minutes later, I was standing in front of the refrigerator, drinking the entire bowl. Then I shoved handfuls of the vegetables and hamburger that were left into my mouth until every last drop of liquid and every last morsel of food was gone.

A great calm filled my body. My mind was at rest. And for a few minutes, at least, my pain was gone. I didn’t feel desperately alone. I didn’t feel incomplete. I didn’t feel self-pity or self-loathing. In fact, I only felt one thing -- blissfully full.

I can definitely relate to the emotional eating you describe. To be honest, even though I'm banded, I sometimes still do it, but on a much, much smaller scale. I don't quite feel the compulsion to overeat in the same way I used to. Sure I do have the desire to eat more than I need. But the experience of having overdone it a few times with the pain and salivating and even PBing keeps me from attempting to eat beyond the full sensation my band gives me. So there are times when I know that I would like to eat more and that I can't. I just accept it and I usually move to a place in the house where I never eat and I do not feel the compulsion. Then too, because of the band I cannot eat some of my favorite binge foods such as bread. I also went to therapy right after I got banded which helped me work through some of the main sources of emotional pain. That was a big help, too. This whole band journey has been an emotional one for me. I had to deal with some of my hardest issues in therapy and that was painful. There is the elation of weight loss, the frustration with plateaus, the hard work of learning new coping strategies. But it's all worth it. It's gonna be OK.

Nancy

You know I think it took me a really long time to get to this point myself and I still feel the denial now and then.I never thought of myself as a compulsive eater.I always made excuses about my eating. I hide when I ate. I think that made me feel like it was unknown to the rest of the world ...and all I was doing was hiding from the reality that I had a problem with eating. I would talk about being on a diet during the day eating salads and healthy food and as soon as I got home from school or work I would eat junk to get rid of the cravings.. I guess it was more like a binge most of the time.Or I would take it to extreme the other way and not eat for days, I guess this was like a punishment to my self for the guilt I felt. I would think food is your enemy and you can't eat anything(all or none... I guess). I really hope my band will give me the reminder that I should eat to live... not live to eat ....

Yes, Jonathan, I hear you! Food is so associated with comfort. I remember my grandmother not ever having a lot of $$. But she would make homemade light bread and cream gravy and that was the most delicious feast in the world to me! You'll still be able to eat most of the foods you enjoy, just smaller portions and you won't feel miserable or angry with yourself afterwards. Getting in touch with your feelings can be tough, but it is also empowering and releases you from a lot of self-made prisons. You can do this!

Wow! Been there and done it (or should I say ate it?). But, you know what? We're all in this together (or will be on Jan. 31), and we're gonna beat it!!! BTW, your writing is very good.

Good piece Jonathan!

And oh so true!

My, today I was doing good til lunch. I remember how Lisa said she threw away her raviolis, I just can't throw it away. I was alone I said to myself just throw it away. After taking a few bites I did.

Mom saved everything, leftovers..tiny tupperwares of stuff all good. She was a great cook and taught me everything about cooking, even my sisters are jelous of how I cook.

The one thing that sticks is how proud she was cause I'd eat 8 pancakes..german buttermilk pancakes driping with syrup and jam. She'd bost about it like she was proud.

That's something I never boast.

On the soup I sit salivating...being of Ukraine desent, we had pots of Borscht(not beet soup) everything is pre-fried then put in the soup....

Jonathan that's a very moving piece. I think most of us can identify with your experience; I know I can behaviorally, even if I never articulated what I was doing.

Being banded puts only one obstacle between the compulsive eater and food--a physical barrier. If a compulsive eater is determined enough that barrier can be gotten around. I know there have been times that I've eaten a surprising amount of soup for a bandster.

There is clearly some mental work that has to be done. What the band gives me is time between that compulsion and the satisfaction of it to redirect my attention until the compulsion passes. And over time, the compulsions have almost completely disappeared because I've learned that stuffing myself gets me (and has always gotten me) absolutely nothing I can't get elsewhere. I have the blessed distraction of a loving supportive husband and two very active little girls. If one lives alone I think this would be a lot harder lesson to learn and therapy could be extremely important.

Physical pain is a powerful motivator, and overeating solid food is something you're not likely to do more than once. The tricky thing is not making that vat of soup in the first place because you'd probably be able to consume a goodly portion of it even after being banded.

Just asking... have you read the sticky that Donali wrote: 'A Tool for Dealing With Emotional Hunger'?

If you havent, I encourage you to. She gives wonderful insight on what to do for emotional hunger INSTEAD of eat. Ive re-read it dozens of times and find somthing new each time I read it.

Until I read Donali's article (and what you just wrote) I never realized how big my problem was and most of all, that it was even considered a problem. Wow!

Good luck!

Jonathan, thank you for posting that piece. Yes, I think most of us have experience that compulsive eating experience or some form of it...that's why we're here. I know that especially during the last years of my unhappy marriage, I would continue to eat all evening. My stomach would protrude and I would be miserable, but I couldn't seem to stop.

Now with my band I have to totally rethink things...like when I shop. I have to remember that there is no reason for me to buy "value packs" of anything. I have also become much more selective on what I buy because whatever I eat, I want to thorougly enjoy it, not just stuff something down there (like I could if I wanted to!). My band forces me to face this challenge. Sometimes I get frustrated, but then I am thankful for my band.

Good luck to you Jonathan!

Oh yes... I can definitely relate... I spent a lot of time with my grandparents while growing up and the visits were all about food... love... food... a pinch of inappropriate behavior by gramps... and then more food to help me keep the secrets. I know this is when I developed my eating compulsions and I have lived with them every since.

Now... I still have those compulsions... but the band saves me from my mind most of the time. As much as I want to eat a big plate of food... I simply can't without experiencing much discomfort. I pray that I am learning to find comfort in other ways but until then... my lovely band helps me stop. You are going to love your band Jonathan... and it will honestly help you even when those compulsions do prey on your mind.

Jonathan,

I don't have time right now to read your story. I have A large bowl of Chicken soup calling me back into the kitchen....BOY OH BOY can I relate to this.

The Demons went easy at first when I got banded. Then I got way to comfortable and they came in the back door and tried to overtake me again and the battle has been on since. I know for a fact I am winning but its not easy and I will never again become comfortable. I know its a life long battle to eat right and I am determined to fight it till the day I die. ( after that I think they only serve salad in heaven...never seen a fat angle)

Thanks for sharing jonathan...Between you and whippledaddy I don't know who is more elegant of a writer.

This is a humorous memory that I think some of us can relate to...

when my son was in kindergarden their assignment for "Grandparents Day" was to write something that they enjoyed doing with their grandparents, then draw a picture of it. Then the teacher posted these things on the bulletin board for ALL to see.

Several of the kids wrote that they enjoyed playing board games, going to the movies, working in their garden, reading books together - with their grandparents.

But, MY son wrote (the only kid to write THIS) that the ONE thing that he enjoyed doing with the Grand's is..... "We cook and eat together!"

I can DEFINITELY relate!!! Usually I wasn't "hungry"....just looking for "something"...not sure what.....and grabbed the first thing that wasn't moving!! Not sure why we do it....if we knew we'd be thin and rich!!!

But, according to the Cambridge dictionary, the definition for "compulsive" is: "(adjective) doing something a lot and unable to stop doing it: a compulsive liar/thief/eater, compulsive gambling, a compulsive eating disorder. (adverb) too much and in a way that shows you are unable to stop: She exercises/cleans/works compulsively."

If only we could do as the adverb does in a POSITIVE way....exercising, cleaning, working compulsively...instead of eating compulsively.....!!!

And used as a noun (compulsion): "compulsion (DESIRE) a very strong or uncontrollable desire (to do something repeatedly): For many people, dieting is a compulsion. [sentence] I seem to have a constant compulsion to eat.

I suppose any COMPULSIVE behavior is not good. We just need to find a middle ground.....and when we do, let each other know about it.....but I think the closest we've come to it is by being banded.....not a miracle cure....but the greatest "tool" they've invented since the fork!!!...the root of all our evils....heck...we don't even need a fork half the time!!! Who invented that darned thing anyway??? But maybe now we can use the fork for good and not evil...for healthy and nutritious "compulsive behavior".

Thanks for the memories Jonathan.....Good luck to all on our journey to a new life!!!

Nancy*

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Hey Jonathan. I definately can go overboard but never really considered my self as a compulsive eater. I do sometimes get that feeling though that I am missing something great in the world if I don't eat it all. I try to rationalize and say it will be good later. 2 oreos now, 2 tomorrow is still 4 oreos. But then I just have to eat the 4 (or more) right away b/c I just can't defer the want. I unfortunately (or maybe fortunately so I don't seek it) don't get the feeling of peace afterwards, I am just so disappointed in myself and guilt ridden. I will say that since being banded I am restricted from this type of behavior since I rarely get a compulsion to overeat cottage cheese (LOL) but the feeling of unrest sometimes rears it's ugly head...I just try to go to bed, or leave the house when it happens................I think alot of us are right there with you buddy. BTW, great to see you here again!