Here's something I wrote last year. I wonder how many of you can relate to this. I also wonder what happens when you have a band, and no matter how much you want to compulsively eat, you can't... you know, when you're actually forced to face your deamons? I think that I've actually faced my deamons... at least I'm pretty sure I've identifed them.

When I was about 10, and for a few years, I went to my aunt’s house every Friday after school. I’d get off of the school bus, walk into her house, sit down in her big red rocking chair, watch television, and she’d bring me whatever I wanted: comic pages from daily newspapers, puzzles, iced tea, hot tea, dinner, Snacks, deserts – anything and everything. I felt like a king – or at least a prince – sitting upon my throne, being tended to by my adoring servants. Even more, I felt the unconditional love my aunt showed me with every act of kindness.

Of all the different things she cooked for me over the years, my absolute favorite was Aunt Kathryn’s Vegetable Soup. I’m sure in the scope of great world culinary achievements it was nothing special, but to me, it was the best stuff in the world. I can remember so many cold Indiana winter nights, sitting in that chair, reading comic strips, drinking hot tea, and eating that delicious vegetable soup.

Fast-forward 12 years. No more rocking chairs, no more servants, no more kingdom. Nobody showing me unconditional love -- at least not in a way I could perceive it as such. food had become a formidable surrogate. After all, who needs love, acceptance, or validation when chocolate ice cream can make you feel the same way? I weighed over 400 pounds at this point, and was obsessed with food. I had been attempting to make “the” vegetable soup for some time, but it took me a couple of years to find the perfect combination of vegetables, meat, spices, and simmering time. Finally, there it was – Aunt Kathryn’s Vegetable Soup. I made it and ate it daily after I first learned how. Every bite became a memory of a time when life was better, when I had no worries, when I was loved and unconditionally accepted.

I remember the day I realized I wasn’t just fat, and that I didn’t just love to eat, but that I had an uncontrollable compulsion to eat. I made a crock pot full of soup, sat down on the couch, turned on the television, and ate a bowl. Then I ate another, and another. Finally, feeling somewhat satisfied, I sat there and half-watched television. I kept thinking about that crock pot of soup, still three-quarters full. It bothered me, for some inexplicable reason. It ate at me. It made me angry that there was still soup there, and that I wasn’t eating it – as if I were wasting one of life’s great opportunities. I had another bowl, and then another. Disgusted with myself, I poured the rest of the soup in a plastic bowl and put it in the back of the refrigerator. Two minutes later, I was standing in front of the refrigerator, drinking the entire bowl. Then I shoved handfuls of the vegetables and hamburger that were left into my mouth until every last drop of liquid and every last morsel of food was gone.

A great calm filled my body. My mind was at rest. And for a few minutes, at least, my pain was gone. I didn’t feel desperately alone. I didn’t feel incomplete. I didn’t feel self-pity or self-loathing. In fact, I only felt one thing -- blissfully full.

Bandayed, this was just bumped by the spammer. Jonathan didn't bump it.

What is this world coming to when even a specified forum isn't safe from spamming?

Geesh

I have been reading this site for a long time but today is the first time I have read anything that hit this close to home. I have compulsions from hell sometimes. I had fill number two on Weds and now have enough restriction that I can't binge anymore. I am doing my best not to eat things I should not. It is still tough. Been to therepy some time back for these problems but didn't seem to help. Been thinking of trying a journal.

Any thought on that anyone??

I think a journal is a great idea. If you're honest with yourself in the journal you should be able to see patterns and trends. Even if you don't get relief from a compulsive behaviour, if you decide to go back to therapy, the journal will be a valuable tool for your therapist. I started keeping a food journal which has been both useful and enlightening.

Been thinking of trying a journal.

Any thought on that anyone??

I think journalling is great. I've been doing it off and on since I was about 12. In the last 2 or 3 years, I started an electronic journal on my computer. Not a blog because it's a file kept on my computer and not in cyberspace. But I really feel it keeps me sane. No, I'm not on the verge or anything. But, it does help me sort out stresses in my life and help me to see things more clearly. I use it as a coping mechanism for those everyday stresses that can get you down. I keep a separate food journal simply because it's on a separate program on my hand-held/PDA.

Anyway you want, if you think it can do some good and you'll be consistent in doing it.........I say go for it! :typing:

Good piece...It hit home!

Shawn