Shame

[Nhope 146]

My mother stopped by my house for some last minute planning before my surgery on Friday. As she was leaving, I started to cry and she was lovely and hugged me and said all the right things. It was very sweet as those kinds of moments don't happen often anymore. However, what I realized I was crying about was not fear about the surgery or the future, but shame. Shame that I'm about to turn 54 and I am so overweight and so unable to maintain a healthy weight that I'm having surgery. Shame that I don't have the will power or the magic key that I KNOW doesn't exist. Shame because my parents always pushed me to lose weight and keep it off and I could never do the second part, and now I have somehow failed them. Shame that I'm doing something I swore I'd never do, and shame because I feel like I'm being punished for having failed all those other weight loss attempts (hundreds of them, literally)

And yes, know that none of this is rational, I know the reality of my situation, but I was surprised to find that deep sense of shame still existed.

Thank you all for being part of a place I can just go and vent.

[Berry78 4,259]

Uhhh... yeah.. no.

Obesity isn't my fault, or your fault. It is a problem with society, the food supply, technological advancements, and the like. Chemicals, hormones, drugs.. our bodies are bombarded from conception with so many unnatural substances that we aren't adapted to.

Surgery is our one opportunity to level the playing field. It's a shame only that you perceive this as anything other than that.

[MowryRocks 679]

I can understand how you feel. I wrote a blog for 8 years about busting my butt to lose weight and promising myself that I would never have surgery. Well, last year I had it. My only regret now is that I let myself get in my own way for 8 years.

It's ok to have emotions about it, but dang...you're doing something, the only shame is in the not trying.

[DropWt4Life 957]

I agree with Berry78. Do not feel ashamed of not being able to lose and keep the weight off. Millions of people are going through the same thing. That is why the weight loss industry is a multi-billion dollar industry. Have this surgery, and keep your head up. With this tool, you will lose weight and keep it off...Keep telling yourself that, because your self talk is an important tool as well. Good luck on your journey.

[ProfessorSlim 115]

It's ok to have all these emotions, then sort through them and realize that you are worthy of doing whatever you need or want to do in order to be healthy and happy. Be kind to yourself!

[mytime4me 83]

19 hours ago, Nhope said:

Shame that I'm about to turn 54

...there is no shame in what you are doing. How can you be ashamed of being BRAVE, FIERCE and willing to drastically change your life to help better your health? The who, what, why and how we've got here doesn't matter anymore...all that matters now is the when....when we have the surgery, when we hit our goals, when we are much more healthy than we are today. Chin up.

I had my surgery last friday (28th)- I went through something similar feelings. I psyched myself up enough to walk in the OR and then went to sleep. When I woke up in pain - I started to feel that remorse and shame sink back in. As soon as I got up to walk, I realized, I CAN DO THIS and as soon as I was pushed from recovery into my hospital room, my nurse walked in and said "CONGRATS, you have done something most people are too scared to do". Its the little things. Its not easy for sure, but neither were the years leading up to us getting to this point, right? CHIN UP. YOU GOT THIS!

Keep us posted. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!

-Allison

[heycrystal2052 430]

I did feel a sense of shame, my shame was directed towards myself. I was ashamed I was slowly depriving my body of what it could be at its best potential, shame on me. I actually had a moment where I saw a very overweight child and I broke into tears , I felt horribly for that child. I was that child, I was that teenager, I was that adult. I felt shame for many things, but at the end of the day, you'll find your strength and will be very proud of the decision you made. You will teach, inspire, and be the rock someone will need, someone who wants to achieve a better way of living. Things will be okay!

[FluffyChix 17,409]

At 54, I can relate to all you wrote! Often times, it's a bear to wrestle with that sinister, inner critical voice that is used to convincing us that we are "less than," or are somehow unworthy of living life because of our "failure" to obtain/maintain a so called "normal" weight. I totally get that feeling of needing to apologize to someone. Ugh, as I meet with my doctors and tell them of my WLS goal, I do feel a sense of shame--projecting what I think I see in their faces (indictment of supposed weakness). I know you will figure out how to move past this--cuz it is important to acknowledge your own feelings/emotions, then alternately empowering to replace those old negative, critical tapes with positive, affirming tapes. We can never change the past, but we can rewrite the present. Cuz life is a present, a gift, you know? And don't we deserve to have an inner voice that affirms ourselves and speaks the truth, instead of lies?

[XYZXYZXYZ1955 675]

In addition to what everyone above said, I just want to say {{{hugs}}}. Let your rational mind dominate your feelings here, because it's right. This isn't a magic fix, this is a tool to help us fight the fight more evenly and have a chance of winning for a change. Why wouldn't we do it?

[makemyownluck 785]

You've made the choice to have surgery to stop yourself from yo-yoing and to give you a lifelong tool to success. There is absolutely no shame in that.

I had feelings of sadness when I had my surgery. Mainly that I had waited so long to do it - and I was 32 at the time! I had a sleeve and I'm having an extremely rare complication now so I'm revising to gastric bypass. I lost 150 lbs with my sleeve and was still obese because I was so heavy to start with. Now, I'm just looking forward to feeling healthy again (it's been a long, rough year of sickness and diagnosing my complication) and losing all the weight I intended to lose when I had my sleeve.

We all struggle. Even "skinny" people struggle. Being overweight is due to so many factors, none of which can be changed at this point. Did I contribute to my own obesity? Sure, but now I'm working on resolving it. Being sad does nothing but keep you feeling bad about yourself, and you are a strong person to take all the steps needed to get to your surgery date. I congratulate you on the hard work you've put in so far and wish you a fast recovery and great success in the future.

You haven't failed a thing! You're still alive to keep fighting! <3

[blizair09 3,250]

On 8/1/2017 at 2:27 PM, Berry78 said:

Uhhh... yeah.. no.

Obesity isn't my fault, or your fault. It is a problem with society, the food supply, technological advancements, and the like. Chemicals, hormones, drugs.. our bodies are bombarded from conception with so many unnatural substances that we aren't adapted to.

Surgery is our one opportunity to level the playing field. It's a shame only that you perceive this as anything other than that.

This.

Obesity is a medical issue -- plain and simple. No one would feel shame about seeking treatment for cancer. No one would feel shame about seeking treatment for a broken bone. And no one should feel shame about seeking treatment for obesity.

Embrace the surgery. Do what you are supposed to do every day. Be successful. But most importantly, be healthy and happy.

All the best to you!

[Nhope 146]

Thanks, everybody. I check in at the hospital tomorrow morning at 9:15, surgery scheduled for 11:15.See you all on the other side!!