I am in my late 20s and obesity has mostly prevented me from seriously dating my whole life. I just hit the 29 BMI milestone, 4 months post-surgery, so I am choosing to venture into online dating for the first time. There is a guy I really like who I am meeting for coffee. Obviously he has seen realistic profile pictures, including full-body shots already. I am really tempted to ask him "are you alright with me being ~25 lbs overweight?" but I really should not do that right? How many dates in should I mention the surgery? Do I need to warn him that surgery is a big tool but there might be a chance of regain down the road?

Honestly, I wouldn't mention anything about your weight...or being overweight on the first date. Kind of thinking maybe that subject would be best left to another time. Let them know the real you ?

So I am 30 and I have been dating now too. I took 5 years off and as the weight started going down I decided to try again. I started dating again around October so I have had lots of experiences as I had Surgery last May. I'm at a BMI of around 40 right now but at the beginning of my journey I had a BMI of 78.

As long as your pictures are not edited or in a special light don't even ask him. You are hardly overweight now! I know you are tempted to ask him that but that will just show to him that you are insecure about it. Be proud of who you are and how far you've come and just let your personality shine through on the date.

As for telling them about the surgery...that is up to you. For me, I am VERY open about the surgery and will tell a stranger I met on the street how much weight I've lost and that I had the surgery. I tend to let conversation flow and determine if I want to share it with him yet. It usually comes up though when I tell them I can't eat and drink at the same time or that I can't use a straw. They usually ask why and I tell them I had weight loss surgery. No one has seemed to care at all.

As for a chance for regain that is COMPLETELY unnecessary. Someone who is super skinny has a chance to gain weight. There is ABSOLUTELY NO need to go into that. If they are curious they can look it up on their own accord but DO NOT mention it. That's putting a seed in their mind that you are planning on regain.

I tend to focus on my accomplishments so far. The guys I've been out with have been impressed with my efforts and are super supportive of me and my journey. The guy I'm going out with now always tells me how proud he is of me. He gets lots of chances because I feel like I'm always sharing a new accomplishment or realization about my weight loss. It's one of the biggest things going on in my life so I talk about it a lot. Haha

I know how exciting and scary and frustrating dating can be...especially when you are overweight. Good luck to you!!

Do I need to warn him that surgery is a big tool but there might be a chance of regain down the road?

Well 1st of all you should get rid of this kind of thinking. Unless you mean like when you're 60 you might regain. If you think this way and even give it a chance in your mind, you will allow it happen and you shouldn't!

Secondly, no you probably don't need to admit to him unless you feel like you want to. It seems like most people on this forum are against sharing their journey, and that is fine, you don't need to explain it to people. But then there are those of us that want the world to know how we've decided enough is enough and we wanted to change our lives so badly that we sought-after a potentially life threatening surgery to give us another chance.

Even though I'm one of those people, I would not bring it up as a talking point, I woul talk about it if it came up some how.

Hope that helps! And Congrats on your journey!

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No, don't say anything about your weight. That will make you look insecure. He must be attracted to you or he wouldn't be meeting you for coffee right? It is up to you if you tell him about WLS. I would probably not bring that up on a first date. If it develops into something more, then you will probably need to tell him. Just see how it goes.
I find it is best to not "over share" information.

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I personally wouldn't bring up the surgery! He's definitely interested in you, since y'all are meeting for coffee I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself or the date! Now if it came up on a date and you/he were to mention any kind of surgery, I wouldn't hesitate either, if you're comfortable sharing that information.

In my opinion, the right man will think it's awesome that you care so much about your health that you chose to embark on a life-changing journey! I'm in my early 20's and I can definitely see a shift in my dating life. I'm more confident and more willing to get to know a man now after my surgery and weight loss. I'm not willing to completely invest myself in something just yet, I want to focus on myself and getting to my goal before giving my attention on anyone else, lol!

Just be confident in yourself and let your personality shine through. Good luck!!

I am single and have dated through a lapband and now sleeve- My strongest recommendation is to never talk about about your weight or surgery on a first date or honestly any date! Any guy you go out with is there to meet you in the present- not the old you or the future you. If eating healthy and working out is important to you - highlight that so you can see if you have that in common. There are so many things to talk to get to know one another. Asking him if he minds that you are overweight shows insecurity in who you are as a person. Stop doing that! You are more than a number on a scale... get out there and meet people just as you are~ and don't make apologies.

He evidently likes what he see's in your pictures

I don't see any need to mention anything about your weight - past, present and definitely not in the future! Get to know this guy, have fun, and if thing develop further then cross that bridge when you come to it.

I really don't think you should date until you are at least 6 months post-op, a year would be better. Not just you but any weight loss patient including myself.

If you waited all the things you feel you need to confess on this date would be a non issue.

You would be at goal, no need to talk about your weight. You would know your sleeve and be able to eat almost normal portions. You would know your sleeve works and wouldn't feel the need to confess that you might be fat again. You would just in general have more confidence in dating.

Don't tell this guy anything about your surgery or really anything super personal until you know he is going to stick around.

I don't know what part of the country you live in but no dude in the Midwest or the south is going to care you are 25 pounds overweight. That damn near slim in these parts.

Edited to add..

In the online dating world, a coffee date is not a real date. It is just a tool to determine if you are the person in the picture and if you are worth dating. So don't read too much into it.

Edited May 25, 20179 yr by OutsideMatchInside

On 5/23/2017 at 9:53 PM, Dashofpixiedust8 said:

I tend to let conversation flow and determine if I want to share it with him yet. It usually comes up though when I tell them I can't eat and drink at the same time or that I can't use a straw. They usually ask why and I tell them I had weight loss surgery. No one has seemed to care at all.

Emphasis mine. This will be the biggest eye opener for many people. Really glad to see you "get it" so easily. Not just related to dating, but in just about every other situation also. The only time that it must be told is in the interest of medical history.

I don't go around talking about my vasectomy or shoulder reconstruction because most people just don't care. Unless it affects them directly, it's unimportant.

To the OP, I have no advice. I never dated when I was fat. I was already married and we got fat together!

I mentioned something aboutbthe fact I used to be fat to a guy, because we are taking about food, planning dinner or something and I was like nope that's how I got fat in the first place.

He said "well you look good now, who cares about the past."

Men care about what is in front of them, they don't think the way women do.

Think like a man, live in the moment ????

@OutsideMatchInside That's the experience I've had. The guy I'm seeing now knows how much I used to weigh and when I told him he said "I didn't know you then, but I know you now, and you are gorgeous. I'm so proud of what you have done"

Your weight is irrelevant. Attraction is about more then that. Worry about whether you like him, not the other way around.

Thanks everyone! The date went well. The only unexpected wrinkle was that he volunteered the information that he used to be overweight and he talked quite a bit about his exercise/nutrition routine to keep the weight off. On the one hand, it seems great because it would be natural to open up to him about my own struggles at a later time. Having said that, I also wonder if a guy as attractive as him would be interested in me if he didn't used to be overweight. I like him alot but I just feel like I want a shot at guy who has never had weight problems.

Anyways, this thread is turning out to be quite a therapy session for me. I appreciate all the words of wisdom from those who have gone through this.

Thanks everyone! The date went well. The only unexpected wrinkle was that he volunteered the information that he used to be overweight and he talked quite a bit about his exercise/nutrition routine to keep the weight off. On the one hand, it seems great because it would be natural to open up to him about my own struggles at a later time. Having said that, I also wonder if a guy as attractive as him would be interested in me if he didn't used to be overweight. I like him alot but I just feel like I want a shot at guy who has never had weight problems.

Anyways, this thread is turning out to be quite a therapy session for me. I appreciate all the words of wisdom from those who have gone through this.

I'm glad the date went well but I had to respond to "wanting a shot at a guy who never had weight problems"...

I'm sorry but what? I don't want to sound harsh but weren't you just worried he would judge you for previously being overweight and now you are doing just that to him.

If you like him then like him. Just as it shouldn't matter that you WERE overweight it shouldn't matter that he WAS overweight.

Weight is not everything...it shouldn't be anything when trying to find a romantic match.

If he is nice, fun, and you are attracted to him then just see where it goes.

I would hate it if someone didn't give me a chance just because I used to be overweight. I'm sure you would hate it too...