I am in my late 20s and obesity has mostly prevented me from seriously dating my whole life. I just hit the 29 BMI milestone, 4 months post-surgery, so I am choosing to venture into online dating for the first time. There is a guy I really like who I am meeting for coffee. Obviously he has seen realistic profile pictures, including full-body shots already. I am really tempted to ask him "are you alright with me being ~25 lbs overweight?" but I really should not do that right? How many dates in should I mention the surgery? Do I need to warn him that surgery is a big tool but there might be a chance of regain down the road?

1 hour ago, forgetmenot said:

Thanks everyone! The date went well. The only unexpected wrinkle was that he volunteered the information that he used to be overweight and he talked quite a bit about his exercise/nutrition routine to keep the weight off. On the one hand, it seems great because it would be natural to open up to him about my own struggles at a later time. Having said that, I also wonder if a guy as attractive as him would be interested in me if he didn't used to be overweight. I like him alot but I just feel like I want a shot at guy who has never had weight problems.

Anyways, this thread is turning out to be quite a therapy session for me. I appreciate all the words of wisdom from those who have gone through this.

Dude, you are not ready to date.

You want to date someone that has never been overweight like they are some kind of prize. They aren't.

People are more than just their weight or outward appearance. What if they have never been overweight, but they struggled with depression? What is they used to be a Wrestler and struggled with bulimia? What if they have social anxiety? People are made up of all kinds of different flaws.

Hopefully this dudes runs from you as fast as possible. He deserves someone that values him as a person, just like you want someone to value you. You are already looking at him as tainted just because he used to be overweight.

I can't believe I just read this dumb #$#@.

1 hour ago, forgetmenot said:

Thanks everyone! The date went well. The only unexpected wrinkle was that he volunteered the information that he used to be overweight and he talked quite a bit about his exercise/nutrition routine to keep the weight off. On the one hand, it seems great because it would be natural to open up to him about my own struggles at a later time. Having said that, I also wonder if a guy as attractive as him would be interested in me if he didn't used to be overweight. I like him alot but I just feel like I want a shot at guy who has never had weight problems.

Anyways, this thread is turning out to be quite a therapy session for me. I appreciate all the words of wisdom from those who have gone through this.

What the heck is this about?? And coming from someone who understands what it's like to struggle with their weight, this is incredibly hypocritical!

Sounds like you're looking for a trophy not a relationship.

WOW!

My favorite job! Playing devil's advocate!

Ok, so me thinks she doesn't want to date a former fatty because of one very prominent reason we all went in for the surgery.

The 95% chance of regain!

We don't know if he has kept the weight off for more than a couple years. If he has, that's wonderful, and the chances of him continuing to keep it off are much better than 5%

But, if he is a new loser, then statistically speaking, he's gonna fall off the wagon, and possibly drag a girlfriend down with him.

On the other hand, if he has a girlfriend with a tiny tummy that will keep up a healthy lifestyle for a lifetime, and he can benefit from that too. The question is whether the girlfriend wants someone with whom she can work on issues together, or whether she prefers to fly solo (or even find someone that naturally eats well, and that can help keep her in line).

And, even though the date went well, maybe she just isn't attracted to him for insubstantial reasons, and figured maybe it's to do with his history.

This is a good point too about possible regain.

Edited May 26, 20179 yr by 1poundatatime

17 minutes ago, Berry78 said:

The 95% chance of regain!

We don't know if he has kept the weight off for more than a couple years. If he has, that's wonderful, and the chances of him continuing to keep it off are much better than 5%

That would work if she didn't say...

3 hours ago, forgetmenot said:

I also wonder if a guy as attractive as him would be interested in me if he didn't used to be overweight. I like him alot but I just feel like I want a shot at guy who has never had weight problems.

But she did. She doesn't have any real material concerns she is being superficial and looking for validation from other people.

Anyone can gain weight, even a WLS patient. Anyone can have a grabber and die. These aren't really valid reasons not to date someone unless a person is a coward and if they are that kind of coward, welcome to a really lonely life.

Edited May 26, 20179 yr by OutsideMatchInside

It makes me sad to think anyone would feel that someone who has lost a substantial amount of weight isn't a good catch...

In a genuine loving relationship that doesn't matter. I gained 60 lbs since getting married. My husband loved me the whole time and he loves me the same now that I'm losing. Finding out someone lost a bunch of weight shouldn't be a deal breaker and the fact that it is would be a giant relationship red flag for me.

Alright so no part of me holds the view that I'm too good to date someone who is formerly or currently overweight. But since 3 or 4 consecutive members interpreted my words that way, then I should accept all the blame for my lack of eloquence particularly with respect to the last sentence.

Just to provide a little bit of context, out of the dozens of encounters I've had so far, the only ones who were interested in getting to know me further were overweight guys and the coffee date guy. A few of the overweight guys even explicitly told me that they prefer someone thinner but couldn't attract them and have to settle with me. A few of them insinuated the same thing and at a speed dating event, the organizer even told me to assume this was true for all interested guys (guess I am not invited back there again). Except for the handful of jerks who explicitly mentioned my weight, I have been pro-actively conversing with all of the interested guys but as expected, most are not going to work out due to preferences over hobbies, smoking/drinking, distance, kids, pets, etc.

My concern was that maybe the coffee date guy still has an overweight mindset in the sense that he prefers someone thinner but still considers himself unappealing to those women and has to settle with me. In fact, I should retract that last sentence altogether and replace it with "I wish I had the assurance that this particular guy would still like me regardless of his past weight history".

Anyways, hopefully that clarification soothes everyone's anger. If not - apologies in advance.

1 hour ago, forgetmenot said:

Alright so no part of me holds the view that I'm too good to date someone who is formerly or currently overweight. But since 3 or 4 consecutive members interpreted my words that way, then I should accept all the blame for my lack of eloquence particularly with respect to the last sentence.

Just to provide a little bit of context, out of the dozens of encounters I've had so far, the only ones who were interested in getting to know me further were overweight guys and the coffee date guy. A few of the overweight guys even explicitly told me that they prefer someone thinner but couldn't attract them and have to settle with me. A few of them insinuated the same thing and at a speed dating event, the organizer even told me to assume this was true for all interested guys (guess I am not invited back there again). Except for the handful of jerks who explicitly mentioned my weight, I have been pro-actively conversing with all of the interested guys but as expected, most are not going to work out due to preferences over hobbies, smoking/drinking, distance, kids, pets, etc.

My concern was that maybe the coffee date guy still has an overweight mindset in the sense that he prefers someone thinner but still considers himself unappealing to those women and has to settle with me. In fact, I should retract that last sentence altogether and replace it with "I wish I had the assurance that this particular guy would still like me regardless of his past weight history".

Anyways, hopefully that clarification soothes everyone's anger. If not - apologies in advance.

Ahhh, this I understand and do see where your coming from. Disregard previous posts

I'm sorry you've had such terrible dating experiences. Those guys who said they prefer someone thinner, but would settle for you are losers.

As for the coffee date guy... if you enjoyed meeting with him and he seemed like a nice guy, then meeting up again! It isn't fair to judge him based on those other guys and the only way to really get to know him is to spend time with him. Meanwhile, I think you have to trust that he is genuinely interested in you unless he doesn't something that indicates otherwise!

Even if the overwhelming majority of men are jerks, it is that rare bird that isn't that you are looking for. They are out there

Give Mr. Coffee a chance. You'll figure out soon enough if he seems to be settling, or if he truly likes you.