Some of you noticed the joke thread was gone. Well, I posted that thread as an impulse, but the next day I felt stupid so I deleted it. But too many people noticed it gone, so here it is again. We can always use a good laugh! xo

http://www.flashbugga.com/media/treadmill.wmv

http://www.fugly.com/media/download.php?cat=MOVIES&id=765&sort=&order=&rating=&per_page=

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/treadmill.wmv

Donali - those are funny, but were you looking in my window?

How do you get a bear to go for a swim in the winter?

You cut a hole in the ice, put frozen peas aroung the hole.

When the bear goes to take a pea,kick him in the ice hole!!

hehe

Great new avatar Greg!

You need to try this ! Have fun!

History Exam...

Everyone over 50 should have a pretty easy time at this exam.

If you are under 50 you can claim a handicap.

This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really remember about what went on in their life.

Get paper and pencil and number from 1 to 20.

Write the letter of each answer and score at the end.

Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put your score in the subject line!

1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?

a. On the floor shift knob

b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch

c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?

a. Capture lightning bugs

b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing

c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?

a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk

b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled

c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?

a. Blackjack

b. Gin

c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?

a. Suntan

b. Leg painting

c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?

a. Studebaker

b. Nash Metro

c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

a. Strips of dried Peanut Butter

b. chocolate licorice bars

c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar Water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?

a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up

b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing

c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?

a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key

b. Woven straps that crossed the foot

c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?

a. Consider all the facts

b. Ask Mom

c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?

a. Smallpox

b. AIDS

c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"

a. SUV

b. Taxi

c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?

a. Old Blue

b. Paint

c. macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?

a. Part of the game of hide and seek

b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores

c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?

a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring

b. Princess Sacajewea

c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?

a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high

b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window

c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?

a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum

b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items

c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?

a. Meatballs

b. Dames

c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?

a. The Ink Spots

b. The Supremes

c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?

a. Tony Bennett

b. Xavier Cugat

c. George Gershwin

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

ANSWERS

1. On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.

2. To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam Iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Ma caroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today..

----------------------------------------------------------------------

SCORING

17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who should share their wisdom!

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is getting keen.

0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences.

Send this to your friends with your score in the subject line!

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny start ed his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into t! he woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

SCIENTISTS PROVE THAT DIARRHEA IS HEREDITARY.

It runs in your jeans.

Whipple daddy That sounds stinky to me!!!

Betty, I knew all of those!!

Extend your right leg. Make clock-wise circles. Continue.

Now, write the number six with your right hand.

Which way is your leg going?

To all you new avators Paula whippledaddy and rebecca! YOU ALL LOOK GREAT!!! I hope I didn't miss any one!!

I think I forgot Greg....

My friend sent this to me this morning

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she

>goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos

>all over his arms answers.

>

>She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

>

>The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements

>in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

>

>The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and

>points to a Harley in the driveway.

>

>The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

>

>The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man

>in your club under the table."

>

>The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

>

>The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs

>of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm

>shooting pool."

>

>The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been

>picked up by the fuzz?"

>

>The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been

>swung around by the nipples a few times."

You're too funny Greg!

Things to Ponder

>1 Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

>

>2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

>

>3. The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only

expects you to kiss his ring.

>

>4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone..

>

>5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in

the bathroom.

>

>6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the

drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

>

>7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of

course,

there's shipping and handling, too.

>

>8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the

impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

>

>9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a

large trash can.

>

>10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip

me

off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal

Fluid."

>

>11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription

for

Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned

building.

>

>12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he

was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him

rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He

said,

"Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"

>

>13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

>

>14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never

point the wrong way.

>

>15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear

loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I

wouldn't

have signed up in the first place!

>

>16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just

"chunky dunk."

>

>17. But the early bird still has to eat worms.

>

>18. The worst thing about accidents, in the kitchen, is eating them.

>

>19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to

tell

the difference.

>

>20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could

simply press "Ctrl-Alt -Delete" and start all over?

>

>21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you

haven't fallen asleep yet.

>

>22. My wife says I never listen to her...at least I think that's what

she said.

>

>23. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

>

>24. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but

they

can in prison?

>

>25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have

started with something called labor!

>

>26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Thanks, Betty, for ripping open my incision. Ouch, my side hurts.

Kinda XX rated proceed with care

hair Removal

You don't have to be a woman to appreciate this story.

I guarantee it will have women (men too) laughing out loud!!

This is allegedly a true story, and if it's not it should be.

As Beth told the story...

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal -

the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and

now . . The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night.

I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.

I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean

bathroom.

It was one of those cold wax kits.

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?

I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe

I can figure out how this works.

You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out.

It's two strips facing each other, stuck together.

I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing).

I go one better:

I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees.

Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

I lay the strip across my thigh.

I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad.

I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin

extraordinaire!

With my next wax strip, I move north.

After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one

with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The

Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my front and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek.

(Yeah, it was a long strip.)

I inhale deeply. I brace myself.

RRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind! Blind from the pain!

Vision returning.

Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip.

Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed?

Do I hear crashing drums?

OK, coming back to normal again.

I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony.

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.

But why is there no hair on it?

Why is the wax mostly gone?

Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?

Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.

I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip.

I touch.

I feel.

I am touching wax.

I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!"

And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby."

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is

now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up

until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.

I know I need to move, to do something.

So I put my foot down on the floor.

And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vag area? Sealed shut.

Axx? Sealed shut.

A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to shit anytime soon.

Your head just might pop off."

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next.

Hot water!

Hot Water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and

get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?

Wrong.

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture

prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment.

And I sit.

Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having

them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub.

In scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

So now I'm stuck to the tub.

I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely

she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good

to start a conversation with "So my axx and womens private are stuck to the tub."

She doesn't have a trick.

She does her best to suppress laughter.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the axx - "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks.

She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night.

She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is.

"You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co.and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know.

You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth."

"While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax

off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than

covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry

shaving the sticky wax off!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other

subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion

provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming

"It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we

hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is

still there.

So I shaved the damned stuff off.

Hell, I was numb by that point anyway.

And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.

Never know when a moustache might start to come in.

Tonight, I attempt hair dying.