I'm not banded yet, but I have concerns. I'm wondering if significant weight loss has affected anyone's relationship with their spouse / significant other. I'm in recovery and I've seen a lot of marraiges / relationships break up when 1 person goes into recovery because the dynamic of the relationship changes and co-dependency issues arise etc... I'm married and concerned since my husband married me heavy.

Just curious....

Maria

I'm pre-op but in the past when I have lost weight yes it does change!

It depends on you and your mate.

I have had boyfriends who feel more secure with me being big because they are insecure.

If you love him unconditionally and he loves you things should be fine.

Ok Maria, I will lay my experiece out on the table....

I married very young at 17, and was very small. After the birth of our 2 girls I gained a ton of weight, and it hurt our relationship.

Now since I have lost the weight, our marriage has completely changed. I have self esteem and confidence now and he does his best to knock it down, and hurt me. I am ready to walk if changes aren't made. Now I know that I deserve better. Next month is our 13th anniversary and I am ready to call it all off.

So I am thinking I will be another marraige that bites the dust after surgery. But everything happens for a reason, and I need a change in my life.

Good luck.

Thanks for your honesty Brandy.

You're more than welcome. I think any change in a person can change the dynamics of a marriage. I just thing wls has given me a self love and self respect I did not have before.

I think any change in a person can change the dynamics of a marriage.

Its true -- any sort of 'personal growth' can trigger a host of feelings IN THE OTHER PERSON.

I've been married for 28 years and my marriage is about as stable as they come. But, I realize:

• We're both 'middle-aged' and that can have it's own brand of drive-by insanity.
  
• I've been obese for more than half that time.
  
• We -- like all couples -- have a certain comfortable complacency that could get dislodged

So...we've already made a pact that at the first sign of problems, or feelings like something is going awry, we will head straight to the nearest counselor!!

In fact, this summer we enrolled in a Marriage Matters class at our church -- mostly newlyweds and engaged couples -- we've been happy to learn that we did manage to learn a lot of GOOD communication skills on our own (well, through God's help!) over the years. But no one is ever TOO good to benefit from education.

Maria, I think you're smart to think ahead.

Brandy Girlfriend, I'm sorry you're going through this. But it sounds like the issues are more his than yours. Sounds to me like he has a lot of fear! Still -- its none of my business, but 13 years and 2 precious daughter is a lot to have at risk.

Is he aware there's a problem and willing to work on it? Because if he's 'been there' and stood by you while you struggled with a weight problem, maybe you'll be able to be there and stand by him while he assesses where he is and how he feels about everything.

Been married 17 years. Have an incredibly solid relationship. My weight has affected only the venues of our love-making but not the act itself. We're looking forward to a bit of spontaneous elevator sex when my weight drops. Going up!

My husband expressed concerns not about me becoming interested in other men, but in men "looking" at me. He has nothing to worry about, yanno? I love him so deeply that if Sean Connery and Sam Elliott were offering, I'd turn them both down.

If we find ourselves heading for a bump in the road, we'll chant together and use the problem as a springboard for growth. We've done it before!

Darr

Its true -- any sort of 'personal growth' can trigger a host of feelings IN THE OTHER PERSON.

I've been married for 28 years and my marriage is about as stable as they come. But, I realize:

• We're both 'middle-aged' and that can have it's own brand of drive-by insanity.
  
• I've been obese for more than half that time.
  
• We -- like all couples -- have a certain comfortable complacency that could get dislodged

So...we've already made a pact that at the first sign of problems, or feelings like something is going awry, we will head straight to the nearest counselor!!

In fact, this summer we enrolled in a Marriage Matters class at our church -- mostly newlyweds and engaged couples -- we've been happy to learn that we did manage to learn a lot of GOOD communication skills on our own (well, through God's help!) over the years. But no one is ever TOO good to benefit from education.

Maria, I think you're smart to think ahead.

Brandy Girlfriend, I'm sorry you're going through this. But it sounds like the issues are more his than yours. Sounds to me like he has a lot of fear! Still -- its none of my business, but 13 years and 2 precious daughter is a lot to have at risk.

Is he aware there's a problem and willing to work on it? Because if he's 'been there' and stood by you while you struggled with a weight problem, maybe you'll be able to be there and stand by him while he assesses where he is and how he feels about everything.

He is unaware there is a problem, and blames alot on me. He is becoming pretty emotionally abusive. I went to the er last week with possible appendix they were schedualing surgery and he got mad at me and left me there alone.

I am so close to the edge I am afraid if I stay I will loose me.

he got mad at me and left me there alone.

He couldn't handle the stress of you being ill or he's just a putz?

Does he have addictions that distract him? Not to pry, but he sounds a lot like my former husband (1983-1988) who thought it was better to go look for pot than to help me move from our upper floor apartment to a rental house.

Where were his priorities? In his bong.

Darr

He couldn't handle the stress of you being ill or he's just a putz?

Does he have addictions that distract him? Not to pry, but he sounds a lot like my former husband (1983-1988) who thought it was better to go look for pot than to help me move from our upper floor apartment to a rental house.

Where were his priorities? In his bong.

Darr

He is an a##hole plain and simple. He was mad because it was going to be 2 hours and I didn't tell him that. He had tv to watch!

No he isn't a pothead, he is a tv addcit as far as I am concerned.

He is unaware there is a problem, and blames alot on me. He is becoming pretty emotionally abusive. I went to the er last week with possible appendix they were schedualing surgery and he got mad at me and left me there alone.

I am so close to the edge I am afraid if I stay I will loose me.

Most importantly, you need to be safe!! No question.

But, let me poise this question before you. Anger is a 'blanket emotion'. Meaning it isn't a stand-alone thing it always, always, ALWAYS is a cover-up for something else.

The most common culprits are LOSS of CONTROL and FEAR -- combine those, FEAR OF LOSS OF CONTROL and it's a biggie!

I'm a bi-polar II....high-functioning, low-symptoms. But I 'suffered' a lot before I was diagnosed...at times thinking I was losing my mind. It was amazing to me that my usually mild-mannered husband became angrier and more belligerant the sicker I got!!

I found it especially hypocritical because he was very solicitous of his mother and her mental health issues. UNTIL MY counselor asked me to ask him to come in to help ME. She asked him if he was aware that he got angry. He was. Then she explained the above thought to him -- and asked, "What was he covering up with the anger?"

He began to cry and admitted that he was terrified something would happen to me -- that I might die or commit suicide or have to be institutionalized for periods of time -- leaving him and the kids alone.

You might say, "So you thought yelling at her was the best choice?"

No, of course not. It's not a tho't out choice, it's just a reaction.

So, I'm not trying to play arm-chair analyst, I'm just offering you a glimpse of what COULD be going on on the other side and the suggestion that it might be worth looking into....as much as you can and remain safe.

Oh, yeah -- my husband got mad and left me in the ER once because I was filing my nails while my son was getting his nose stitched up! LOL

What appeared 'unconcern and nonchalance' to him, was me being practical -- I knew I'd be holding and nursing an injured toddler the rest of the night and I had a knick in my nail that I didn't want to scratch him. Bottom line -- he was use to women who freaked out at every little thing, so to him, my level-headedness somehow made it seem like I didn't care my child was hurt.

Incidentally, that was HIS first trip to the ER for stitches, but about my fourth -- he eventually learned to calm down himself! LOL

Gosh, we're all just so frickin' complicated, aren't we? It's a wonder anybody ever stays together.

He is an a##hole plain and simple

I'm so sorry. To quote the movie, "The Mummy,"

Nasty little men like you always get their comeuppance. Always.

What goes 'round, comes 'round. He'll find that out, huh?

He is an a##hole plain and simple. He was mad because it was going to be 2 hours and I didn't tell him that. He had tv to watch!

No he isn't a pothead, he is a tv addcit as far as I am concerned.

Ah....he probably externalizes everything then....

"That cop gave me a ticket." instead of "I was speeding."

"That teacher gave me an 'F'." instead of "I didn't study."

How is he with the kids? Better? Worse?

I'm so sorry. To quote the movie, "The Mummy,"

Nasty little men like you always get their comeuppance. Always.

What goes 'round, comes 'round. He'll find that out, huh?

Yes, as soon as I grow a pair and leave!

My marriage is as strong as ever. 10 years and going strong.

The only real knock on effect that my weight loss has had, is he has lost weight (he eats what I eat, and we go for runs together)

Both of us have had the surgery...My husband in April and me in July...So far the only thing we have seen a difference in is our sex life. And it is for the better.

I'm so proud of him, and he of me...it's amazing to see the changes in a person that I thought I knew everything about...he's so much more handsome than I thought!!!

Best of luck to you.

Rain