Something just happened that my eyes at the magnitude of my obesity. I'm sorry if this is long but I have a mixture of feelings and I don't really have anybody that can really understand me.

I little bit about my history

I have been wanting to get my sleeve since 2014 I had it scheduled for September 4th but for many reasons I wasn't able to do it. I just started again my journey my first appointment with the surgeon is on April 14th and I am beyond happy!!!! I know I need this surgery my bmi is 42 I am morbidly obese but for some reason I had never really seen how fat I am! I have seen pictures and I see myself in the mirror, when I am out and I see somebody that is obese Ian always asking myself if I am fatter or skinnier and I constantly compare myself but I have never really been able to get an accurate idea and I don't feel as obese as my bmi points out.

Today I recorded my daughter giving her first steps but I am in the video and for some reason once I left it recording and I moved to stand up my daughter and make her walk the video switched to slow motion. Once I saw that video of me sitting down and moving around I slow motion it was just a shock!!! I am way fatter than how I see myself a lot more! And it was just very hard to realize how much I have let myself go. I have so many mixed feelings I feel very ugly and ashamed that I haven't been able to have control over this aspect of my life for so many years. At the same time I feel happy that I am finally taking control and I really really hope that I have the strength to make this journey a success.

Sorry about such a long post I needed to vent with people that I know will understand me

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

There was a discussion about this the other day in a group that I'm in (full of sleeve folks) and I said it's like I have body dismorphia but in the wrong direction! I don't realize how big I am. I had no idea I was so big that seatbelts on the smaller planes wouldn't fit across me, or that I was so big I could barely fit on a ride at Disney. I just haven't realized until recently just how big I've let myself get.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

It is quite shocking. It actually feels pretty bad realizing how big I am lets just say after I saw that video today my self-esteem it's even lower than before. I can't wait for my surgery and the new me

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

I had 2 epiphanies, one was at a family all white party... I thought I was white-hot, until I saw the pictures in a frame at another family members house... the other time was walking down my hallway in my house... I couldn't figure out why recently I was bumping into the walls????... I thought maybe I was off balanced or something... but no, my new linebacker shoulders were getting big... up until then I just ok with being "shapely" even after having a heart attack/open heart surgery... so I understand the denial

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G530AZ using the BariatricPal App

I know the feeling...I have been chunky ...in my eyes...it wasn't until I was in a group photo recently I saw how fat I am...not a wonderful realization.

Rationalization is the superpower of the obese. A more common term is denial. We use this superpower to avoid feeling intense emotional pain about our obesity.

Then comes the day when our denial superpower no longer works, and we "hit bottom." The pain that accompanies that thud can spur us into action -- to consider WLS, a last-gap option that seemed too drastic while we could still deny our drastic situation.

Pain can be a good thing.

As many others have stated, I was fooling myself by thinking that I wasn't as obese as I actually was. But, now that the weight is coming off, I find myself doing little things that prove I really was aware of it before, even if I couldn't admit it to myself. A few examples:

I'm always checking out seats/chairs/booths to see if they'll hold me.

I turn sideways when passing people in narrow hallways so that they have enough room to get by.

I always stand in the back of a group photo.

As soon as I sit down on a couch or chair I pull a pillow into my lap to cover my belly.

My husband brought the hallway thing to my attention the other day at the movies. He says, "You know there were at least 2 feet between you and that lady, right?" Nope, I thought I was about to bump into her!

I also understand how you feel. There were a few times in the months before surgery where I saw myself in a picture and I was appalled. Also, there were a few times after surgery when I had lost 60 pounds or so, still about 40-50 from goal when I thought I was darned cute, and then I happened to see myself in a video and I wanted to cry. All that effort and I was still a heffer. When I was about 20 pounds from goal I happened to catch myself walking naked across my living room (don't laugh, lol) on a security camera and the volume of hanging skin and flab put me in tears. I have since hit goal, had plastics, and there are still times when I see an unflattering picture and I'm dismayed by what I look like. Mostly though, while it takes awhile, in the end the result is worth the process it takes to get there.

I totally get it - I'm your height and my BMI is also over 40. One of the things that started to break through my denial was seeing myself in the full-length mirror a local coffee shop has across from the cash register - got the whole side view and couldn't believe it. Ugh. Never went back to that cafe, but maybe I will once I've lost a bunch of weight.

I'm almost 5 years out. I didn't see my weight and even funnier, as I lost, I didn't feel skinner at first, but other people started looking fatter. I had a lot of body confusion after losing the weight. Took a while to learn to stand straight ( I thought I was but the extra weight had me hunched), walk with my legs together, keep my arms at my side, recognize myself in mirrors, and realize I could fit down an aisle even if someone was in it. Remember that jumping squash in plants vs. zombies? My midsection looked like that as I lost weight. I'm still flabby but overall I'm happy.

Sent from my iPad using the BariatricPal App

Every time my kids and I FaceTime with my family out of state I realize how big I am so I try to stay off the screen. I hate looking at my swelled up face and 3 chins!

You are not alone! The first time I "saw myself" was my reflection in a store window. I was in shock! Then there is always the dreaded family affairs and trying to buy clothes... It's an eye opener for sure... I left many clothing stores in tears many times. Tomorrow is my sleeve day and I can't wait to start my life! Good luck to everyone with your journey!

Sent from my SM-G920V using the BariatricPal App

I am/was the picture taker for years because I have never liked "posing" even when I was thinner.

My 20th class reunion picture had all of the LBD women on the front row (legs crossed) and the heavier women, we filled the back two rows. Most of us were wearing black, low heels and turned sideways.

I still wear black, always have, always will.

My 35th is this year - I may go and aim for the front row - legs crossed with 4 inch heels! I may have to put them on for the picture though. I don't walk well in very HIGH heels.

When I got heavier and everyone had cameras on the cellphone my picture was popping up on FB and cellphones and God knows what else...I still don't like having my picture taken.

I am sure I am on one of the "shoppers at Wal-mart cites". I will say it will be for my weight, not some bizarre fashion statement, hair color or questionable gender.

Totally hits home for me. I have my full length mirrors at home propped up at just the right angle so that I look thinner....or I would probably never leave the house. Talk about gaming and denial! But when I catch a glimpse of myself in a store window reflection, or in the bathroom mirror when I go into the office (I work from my house), or someone takes a photo and I am in it, I am horrified and sink into a deep depression. It's weird. I KNOW I am fat, but I've always thought I was fat - even when I wasn't! So somehow, I keep talking myself into believing I am fat but not THAT fat....that it is worse in my head than in real life. Except that now real life really IS that bad.

Since I decided to pursue WLS and went for my initial consultation, I have been reading so many posts on here, and honestly, I feel worse than ever. It is almost as if I am staring down how far I've let myself go....how bad it really is, and I feel completely disgusted with myself. Like I am repulsive and shouldn't leave the house. I know that is extreme, but it is hitting me hard.

I am still a few month away from being submitted and I am concerned about insurance approval - my BMI is not quite 40 and I don't have the "standard' comorbidities. Honestly, if I don't get approval, I don't know how I will manage. I'm sobered by my reality at this point. Glad I am not alone.

Edited March 29, 201610 yr by FreeTheSkinny66

@@FreeTheSkinny66 - no you are not alone, keep posting. I am post-op and thankful. I will keep you in my prayers, that your process works through, whatever the outcome - keep coming here.

I also really relate to this post......I guess I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I've always known I was overweight but sort of always told myself it's "not that bad"......when I'm out and I see other women that look overweight I always wonder if I'm smaller or larger than her.....I've never asked anyone (haha) but it always goes through my head. It makes me feel crazy! Pictures and full length mirrors always seem to tell the truth.....I do my best to stay out of pictures! I'm so ready to not have to feel this way!!!