So Ready For Positive Changes!

[fairee 82]

I don't even know where to begin. Since I began my journey, there have been way too many negative changes in my life. I'm having so much trouble keeping positive!

It started this summer, July, when my adult son (32 yr old) was picked up during a heroin bust. I was glad that he was busted, not dead. I knew he was an addict, I had applied my tough love to him for the past 4 years. We would go months and months without any contact. It broke my heart, but I couldn't condone what he was doing.

Well, after he was busted, I was the only one who had any contact with him. I was the only one who visited, wrote him and put money on so he could have money on his acct and so he could call. I talked to his lawyer and was there for every court date. I don't pay his bail cause I couldn't. He was busted with a group of 35 others in what was the largest bust in this area. They were making examples of all of them. He got lucky and only had a possession charge.

Anyway, his jail time was very expensive for me, I live on my SS disability only. Anyway, he was released OR and ordered to outpatient rehab. What this meant to me, is a 32 year old roommate in a 1 bedroom apt! I took him in because he had no where else to go.He found a job about 3 weeks after moving in. He doesn't have a license so now in addition to having to drive him to his NA meetings, his outpatient rehab, and any other court mandated events, I also have the pleasure of driving him back and forth to work (4:30 AM-4:30 PM)

Son is issue #one for me.

Number 2 is my semi ex hubby. We have been separated for over a year now, but we are friends. Before son moved in, he pretty much had the car most of the time. (I don't like driving or going out too much) This way he was able to run his errands and mine too. It was working great for us. Now he never gets the car and it's frustrating for him. He can't get his own cause he too doesn't have a license.

Last month he was in the ER 3 times before finally being admitted to the hospital because he was having problems breathing. He ended up staying here also because he was afraid to be on his own b/c of his breathing.

Well.................. now fast forward to this week. I have finally hit my breaking point with these two! Ex wants me to move back in, he thinks since I've been there for him for all of this, then I must be ready to move back in. Uh, NO! And my "wonderful" son has now fallen in love. She is a sweetie yes, but she lives with her mom and dad so all of their time together is now here at my place . She spends the night, both sleeping on the living room floor.............. oh yeah, did I forget to mention her 2 yr old daughter who also comes with them??

I like this girl and I think her daughter is cute but I need my place back!

I have been mentally getting ready for this big lifestyle change and have been trying to be more positive. That is all going out the window right now. I quit smoking (3 months yay me!) and I have had the worst cravings in the past week. But I'm staying strong!

I am proud of what my son is doing to turn his life around but geez! I thought it was my time now!! I can't wait until he moves out! And I will be staying here not at ex's, this is my home and I love living here.

Thanks for listening to me, I don't have anywhere else I can put this out there!

[mrs kaje 347]

Why are you letting an unlicensed driver use your car?! If he crashes it, won't it void the insurance?

[fairee 82]

Thank you for your concern mrs kaje. Yes I know, if he ever is in an accident or stopped, it will create major problems. However this is something we have decided to take a chance on. Not the smartest move I know, but it's been this way for many years. And honestly, something I dealt with 9 years ago.

I am more stressed by my son and the loss of my freedom in my own home.

[msfranjul 3]

That stinks that you are going thru all of this but I understand u being there for your son... Maybe alleviate some off your plate some how... Ur bf needs to get his license so he can get his own car or better yet have them both take public transportation that way they get to what they need and u can have some free time... Did u already have ur surgery or are u waiting to?

[2goldengirl 2,076]

I hate to say this, but I agree, what were you doing letting an unlicensed driver drive your car?

And why are you allowing son basically take over your life? You drive him everywhere and now you are putting up his GF and her daughter, if only on a part-time basis.

Boundaries. You need them. I understand that you're trying to help, but between not-quite-the ex and addict son and his GF, they are taking up your time, your energy, and your gas money. Enough! There is a fine line between compassion and co-dependence. Who owns the car? You? It's your life, your car, your limited income - and your time to start saying "No".

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Any day that you wake up on this side of the dirt is a good day. Family sure is messy. I would suggest that since your grown son is working, he needs to be paying rent. If he says he needs to save up money for a place, open a joint account with him so that you have a right to look at it, and insist then that he starts putting a months rent into the account every month - and not just what he feels like. Find out what the going rate is for a two bedroom place in your area and figure that that is as much as he will probably have to pay someone else.

Once he does that, he needs to be contributing for groceries at least as much as he would be paying in his own place. One place you need to drive him is to get his driver's license. To have two grown men not driving (except driving you crazy) is wrong. What's the matter with them? Does girlfriend have a license? Boy oh boy, it is time to take your life back. Get bold, my bariatric sister and get these people off their arses. If you were,not available they would have to be making their way. I wish you the best and some peace of mind.

[Babbs 14,680]

I hate to say this, but I agree, what were you doing letting an unlicensed driver drive your car?

And why are you allowing son basically take over your life? You drive him everywhere and now you are putting up his GF and her daughter, if only on a part-time basis.

Boundaries. You need them. I understand that you're trying to help, but between not-quite-the ex and addict son and his GF, they are taking up your time, your energy, and your gas money. Enough! There is a fine line between compassion and co-dependence. Who owns the car? You? It's your life, your car, your limited income - and your time to start saying "No".

Amen. These are grown adults you're taking care of. Time to STOP.

Junior is a grown man making grown man decisions. It's time he starts concentrating on his recovery and legal problems and trying to get his sh*t together so he can get his own place where him and his girlfriend and child can spend all the time they want there.

It's not easy, but to be successful with this surgery you have to learn to put yourself FIRST and set boundaries. Until you do that with these grown men in your life, I'm afraid you'll struggle.

Time to take control of the situation and start putting your foot down with these people!

[Djmohr 6,965]

Hon,

I feel so bad that you are going through all of this with the kids and ex. We will always be there for our children. I swear they never seem to leave home for good and we all know that if our children need us we will be there.

All that being said, you absolutely have to draw the line or you will be taken advantage of. For me that line would be drawn at his now girlfriend and child staying with you too.

Honestly I would first sit your ex down and say, I care about you but we are separated and ultimately headed for a divorce. I understand that you are not feeling well but, you must have other family that can help. I need to focus on both our son and myself. If I don't focus on myself, I won't be here to help anyone in the future. Give him a short window to get his act together and move on. That means the car too. You would be held liable if he gets in an accident and you knowingly let him drive your car. What may seem convienient now, could be very inconvenient and costly if something happens. This is stress you absolutely do not need.

Then I would sit my son down and tell him how much you love him and are thrilled that he is getting clean help him understand what you are willing to do to help him but what you absolutely expect in return. Explain, you are not well and need to focus on getting well. That means he can stay there but he needs to prove he is putting away money for his own place. It also means that his girlfriend and daughter cannot sleep there. Give him some parameters around her visiting. Tell him you love him and hope he understands that you need to get well too and this is what you need to make that happen.

Then, you need to stick to your guns and focus everything you have on you. Changing to this new lifestyle is not a small thing at all it takes a long time to make these changes and a lot of trial and error.

I wish you all the best. I know you can do this. You must get healthy!

[Threetimesacharm 1,400]

You are in one word an "enabler" why would anyone let their son AND his girlfriend sleep on her floor!! Tell them to grow up, get out and get their own place! Driving him to work, take the BUS.The ONLY one who can change this so called negative in your life is YOU!! Kick them to the curb and get on with YOUR life!

Counselling is highly suggested.

[Chanti_ 27]

So easy to say what we would do in your situation. 'Kick them to the curb' etc. But we are not in your situation are we? I'm sure that the stress in your life right now must be overwhelming.

I can imagine you are worried about your son experiencing a relapse if you put any demands on him. Perhaps you can start small. Say, negotiate with him that his girlfriend is welcome for visits but she can not stay overnight more then once a week. Suggest perhaps that they could spend some overnights at her families' residence instead.

He is working, and he does need to be contributing to your household expenses. You have not specified but hopefully he is. If not, you have to try and have a frank discussion with him about contributing what is fair to each of you.

Does he need to live with you as part of some court ordered situation? If not then he needs to make a plan to move out. Your small apt cannot hold you, your ex, your son and his gf and her baby. This sounds like it has been a months, not weeks long situation.

As for your soon to be ex husband. It sounds like you had a good arrangement prior to all this upheaval. Putting aside the fact that he's driving your car illegally.. he's had a health situation and now he's afraid to live alone, yes? You left him once before as I understand.. so it may be time to lay down the reality again. You are not his caretaker.

Again, these suggestions are easy for me to give, entirely different putting them into practice. I wish you the best of luck in this situation. Try not to let it all come to a head. If you can have calm discussions when you are not angry, it will be much better then if you let everything fester then explode.

Take care of yourself.

[fairee 82]

Thank you every one who has responded/ I appreciate your concern and comments.

I did want to clarify a few things, first of all my "ex" doesn't stay here, he did for a week after the ER and then I stayed with him for a week after the hospital. He is still my best friend and probably always will be. I just can't live with him as husband and wife. My choice. He is there for me in financially and many other ways and I have tried to be there for him as well.

We don't have public transportation in my city, too small.

As for my son, he does contribute, not as much as I would like, but I know he's saving up for a place. His girlfriend doesn't live here but has been here most of the weekend.

I am weak when it comes to setting boundaries, I know this. I am trying to get stronger and I am slowly gaining strength in this, setting rules for my son. The holidays also make it more difficult.

Day by day I will remember that I do come first and I have to get these two out of my brain, they are men and don't have control over me.

I haven't had my surgery, as far as I know it'll be in January. I had to wait until after my 3 mo. quit date 12/16..... and then I have to finish my procedures on my back.

Also for the person who suggested counseling, I have been seeing my shrink for over 5 years.

[Babbs 14,680]

@@fairee

The way I see it, you have 2 choices. Keep making excuses for why you continue to allow these people to interfere with your peace and happiness, or don't and begin to set ground rules and boundaries so you can finally put yourself first like you've said you wanted. Hard or not, those are your options. We all are ultimately in charge of our own destiny.

Good luck and best wishes to you!

[Threetimesacharm 1,400]

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result............what has the counselor done for you in 5 years? I think it is time for a new one!!

Thank you every one who has responded/ I appreciate your concern and comments.

I did want to clarify a few things, first of all my "ex" doesn't stay here, he did for a week after the ER and then I stayed with him for a week after the hospital. He is still my best friend and probably always will be. I just can't live with him as husband and wife. My choice. He is there for me in financially and many other ways and I have tried to be there for him as well.

We don't have public transportation in my city, too small.

As for my son, he does contribute, not as much as I would like, but I know he's saving up for a place. His girlfriend doesn't live here but has been here most of the weekend.

I am weak when it comes to setting boundaries, I know this. I am trying to get stronger and I am slowly gaining strength in this, setting rules for my son. The holidays also make it more difficult.

Day by day I will remember that I do come first and I have to get these two out of my brain, they are men and don't have control over me.

I haven't had my surgery, as far as I know it'll be in January. I had to wait until after my 3 mo. quit date 12/16..... and then I have to finish my procedures on my back.

Also for the person who suggested counseling, I have been seeing my shrink for over 5 years.

[cherri2000 6]

Fairee! I so can relate. My 33 yr old is addicted to pain pills after a horrible accident when he was 17. He has 4 children by two different mothers. I finally left North Carolina, my home, my other children and grandchildren to get away from him and his conniving ways. I am now in Boise Idaho, and I hate every minute of it. I shouldn't say I hate it because it took me getting here to get my surgery scheduled. My date is December 30th. I hope to go back to North Carolina by the end of March- but I won't go back to lose my sanity. It is hard to explain to other people the things you and I have decided to do for our children. I know tough love - I know I know. I live on SS also - but refuse to loan/send/give him any money. At least my ex is out if the picture. Oh yes thats a bright side - lolol

[fairee 82]

Thanks to the kick in the butt that all of you gave me and that I needed, I had a productive talk with my son.

I laid it out for him using the notes I wrote down (so I wouldn't forget)

He said he'd be out of here by the end of the month and he apologized for taking advantage.

He's going to pay for some maintenance on my car and he is arranging for rides to work and to rehab.

I pointed out that once upon a time he was my Bud and we had a great relationship. I told him that I don't want to lose what we are building now.

It was the first time I've seen him cry in a long time.

Now to make sure he does what he says he's going to do