Hi, I guess there is a need for us to talk about intimacy (yes and even sexual) issues, I know I do. I have a very lonely marriage. Can anyone relate?

Do not be embarassed or apologetic about introducing the lapband issue into your discussions with the rest of us at LBT. The simple truth is that the loss of weight which you will experience thanks to your band will inevitably introduce certain emotionally linked issues into your life apart from those connected to your relationship with your wife.

Most of us find that weight loss is much more complicated than simply arranging for the installation of a device which will cut off our greedy guts behaviour and thus result in a fabulous new normo body. We may find, as you have done, that our families (in your case your wife) are threatened by our weight losses.

Many of us find that though we have shed bunches of weight we still find ourselves thinking of ourselves as fatties. We can often shed the weight more easily than we can shed the insecurities, the self-destructive self-image, and the self-loathing, I guess.

Nina,

Thanks for the post, you are very kind!

I have my wife in a medication / couseling regimen for 5 years now ,with two hospitalizations over the period. I understand ( a necessity!) the role of enabler and must constantly be conscious of the tendency to be "drawn in" to the problem, even through an act of love as strange as that sounds.

Your very correct about the stones, you must learn to love even when it is not reciprocated. Early on I did think love could make it alright and conquer all. I have since learned that while I still believe this true I now know it can take a lifetime, but still worth the effort.

I am commited to protecting my children and must , even against their own mother many times (i.e. Mommie Dearest). However, I hope that my choice to remain will teach the value of family, however dysfunctional

Thanks for the kind words regarding vows....but I made a promise not only to my but some even larger that us.. with his help we'll stay the course

Take care,

Agnot

Banded 11/19/07:)

Agnot,

I can't say enough that your are a outstanding man!! I will continue to pray for you and your family. God is present and constant help! Keep up the fight & speak VICTORY!!

Much Love,

Nina

Get a boyfriend! Sex is so important to your happiness. If your husband was gay before he met you, he is attracted to men. Even though you are religious, you can't change who hes attracted to. I am not saying divorce him, if you guys get along well and have been married for so long, but you should take care of your physical needs.

My husband does not like me on top, I will ask him and he will let me but then he looses his erection so we only do on my back and doggie style. When he is on top I feel like he is about to smother me with his chest and I can't really move and do not feel as sexy as I do when I am on top. So lately I have been faking orgasms and during the week I do my thing.

To top it all off we only do it every other Friday because of his schedule and mine are very different until the Fridays that the girls go to their dad's house and we can relax.

When I brought it up he said that he does not feel manly when I am on top. I do rather be on my back than to have to sit on him while his erection vanishes.

My husband actually loves it when I am on top. I was not comfortable doing that for years because of my weight, I was afraid I would crush him. But, men being the visual beasts that they are, he loves it because of the view and easy access to my breasts, etc.

That's what I thought-men liked it but I guess I got the one that doesn't

This all just makes me so sad to think that so many of us have been and still are in loveless marriages. My first marriage ended after 4 years. I didn't even realize how bad it had gotten until I began dating again. To be able to feel sexy and wanted again.....I'm now in my second marriage and we've been together for 22 years. He is my best friend and lover. Yes the sex has gotten less over the years but we never go longer than a couple weeks. (and this is rare) Nume130, my heart goes out to you. Just know the best thing you can do for your children is to take care of their mother, then you can give even more of yourself to them. (and yourself)

Wow! This thread needs to be revived. I just discovered it. It's great to lose weight and feel sexy again!

I've been reading this thread for several days and have been too chicken to post until now. I have been married 21 years and have 3 kids...7,5,4. We adopted the first two and then, surprisingly turned up pregnant. After conceiving my daughter, my husband didn't touch me again till about a year and a half after her birth. We have probably had sex 8 times in the last 4 years. I have tried lingerie, crazy costumes, weekends away, etc. I suggested marital counseling, he refused. Last October I wrote him a letter expressing my confusion and hurt. Asking if there was someone else. He insisted there wasn't and told me he just "wasn't a sexual being" anymore. He promised to "work on" getting more sexual. Well, we had sex in November (it was horrible with him losing his erection, not looking at me and I don't think he came) and since then....nothing.

So in June I insisted he seek counseling...partly because of the lack of intimacy and partly because he has been semi-depressed and acting very unhappy. His depression has improved but our sex life hasn't. I have offerred to go to counseling together, but he says he isn't ready yet.

Last week, with me lying next to him in bed, he was playing with himself. When I asked him why he didn't approach me, he said I don't know. I feel like I have been betrayed. He's wanted to kiss and hug me on occasion since this episode and I feel angry when he tries. I told him today that I'm not happy, my needs aren't getting met. I was calm and said, I am happy you are getting counseling and things are improving. I want to believe things will change and we can have hope but I am scared to put my heart back out there. Then he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about which infuriated me, though I said nothing. He said "you better be careful or I am going to check out". Now he isn't speaking to me. I am just so tired of trying and tired of rejection.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I just wanted to let you know that I hurt just reading your words; you will be in my prayers. Marriage, and especially sexuality in marriage, are supposed to be "safe havens" where you can be free to express anything. It's so hard to put yourself out there when you've experienced rejection in this area. All I can say is if at all possible you should try to get into counseling with him. It is desperately needed.

mizzupoodle: Sounds like your man checked out long ago. Don't let him put you on a guilt trip by making threats like that! He obviously has some issues that he's dealing in those counseling sessions. The fact that he's excluding you says pretty much that right now he's only interested in his problems - and is not taking any responsibility for your pain and frustration and doesn't care that you're hurt and confused. You can't get things worked out when you don't even know what the problem is.

You should go for counseling on your own too. Seriously. This isn't a pi$$ing contest. You need to survive whatever is coming too. This marriage isn't just about him. And your children deserve both parents. Not just you and not just him. You owe it to them to work through whatever the problems armay be. They deserve a happy mother. If you won't do it for yourself (and you should) then do it for your children.

Once things are a little clearer to both of you, then you can work on counseling togther. Sometimes if it is a good counselor, all it takes is one or two sessions. Seriously!

Thank you for your kind replies and the suggestions. I am going to go ahead and seek counseling for myself, what do I have to lose? It might really help. I am so confused right now, I don't know what is right and what is wrong. Am I wrong to expect him to be part of my sexuality? Sometimes I think I should just be grateful I have someone who works hard and doesn't knock me around. Am I crazy to want more?

It's just so lonely and so humiliating.

I've been thinking of separating but want to exhaust every option before I take that step. I was banded in Mexico on the 25th of July. I went alone, he stayed here with the kids. I did get a quesy feeling on the night of the 26th when I called home and I couldn't get ahold of him till about 1:30 in the morning central time. He said he had a sitter and went out with his buddies. Honestly, I was a little hurt that he didn't care how I was and had made it impossible to get ahold of him if I needed him. I never used to doubt him, but now I am.

He is sleeping in the basement tonight, he's so angry.