Hey Everyone,

I haven't posted here in some time. I'm still dealing with the loss of my husband. It has been almost 6 months. When he was diagnosed in January I was almost at goal but now I've gained 40 pounds back. OH LORD.. I'm so ashamed but I swear. I don't eat a lot but I take in a lot of liquid calories and I can't seem to stop. Three cups of coffee every morning made with my Keurig which I use milk in each cup. I do use skim milk but I would think that each cup of coffee has around 250 calories. Milk, creamer, etc. I drink a shake for Breakfast, and lunch, then I eat a meal around 5 pm. I don't have trouble with food. I never eat fast foods at all. But the stupid coffee!!! GOD HELP ME! Frappes... THE DEVIL! Also, fudgesicles. Now these fudgesicles have 80 calories... but when you can't stop eating them...... ugh. I know what I need to do but I can't do it. I need control. I have been walking everyday. Doesn't do anything to keep the weight from coming back. I've gained 22 of these pounds since I buried my husband in June. It just keeps coming and I can't stop it. I'm so out of control. I'm going to gain it ALL back!!! I never thought I would be back here. I was 300HW, LW 168, CW 212. Going right back to food for comfort as I've always done. I miss my husband so much!! I know he wouldn't want this for me. Taking care of him for 6 months and seeing him suffer so much. I know I need counseling as well or something but this weight gain... it just keeps coming everyday. I still don't get how I'm gaining so fast. I would have to take in 3500 calories over the 1200 I need a day to live and maintain. AM I really taking in 4700 a day!???? NOOOOOOO!! I don't get it. Help... I need some sample menus from you all at goal... some advice... some diets you are doing. Just give me a plan to go by. I can't remember how I ate before.

Thank you!!! The pics attached are me at my lowest, six months ago, and now.

Edited November 30, 201411 yr by Lisa's Hope

First of all, sorry for your loss. Have you found a grief support group? Check your local yellow pages.

Try reducing your coffee intake to 1 cup a day. I don't think it's the amount of calories you are taking in, just how your body reacts to the additional calories you are giving it.

Lastly my rule of thumb has always been don't bring anything in the house I can't eat without bingeing. Don't let those fudgesicles in the house.

I really don't know what can be said here to offset what you are going thru and how tough it must be to deal with such a loss. So sorry for your loss.

But aside from the grieving, you have stated all your pitfalls and potential weight gain issues. You know what is putting the weight back on. So I got nothing. You have to stop doing what you know you need to stop doing. Start with scrapping the coffee. Replace it with some Protein drink to fill you up. Or drink the coffee bitter with not creamer.

Possibly with your loss you have developed too much solitude and sedentary idleness. Get out and get exercise.

At least if any grieving thoughts keep creeping back in, you'll be burning calories and building up endorphin's.

You're situation is textbook sliding back into old habits, (with the obvious additional depression triggers) Get a grip and get your life back in control. You can. It will get better. Life does go on.

Thanks Ann for your support. Yes I've been posting about this. I think 3 post since my husband died. Yes, it is ultimately up to me. I was hoping to get some advice from the veterans about food and what they are eating this far out. I'm 2 1/2 years out so things are different with my body than it is with yours since you just had surgery in August and are still in the "honeymoon" phase. I did lose a 130 pounds. Tragedy in someones life especially since I watched my spouse suffer and be ate up by cancer can do this to someone. I wasn't asking about my mental state. Things change when you are further out. But thanks again for taking your time to post and tell me this. I appreciate it. I thought the vets forum was for people that are one year out and more? I was asking for help with the types of food and meal plans.

You seem a little judgemental. I wouldn't be that way If I were you. It is easier to gain this far out.

Edited November 30, 201411 yr by Lisa's Hope

Lisa. I am 3 years out. I know exactly what you mean about changes a few years down the road. I have not lost a husband but I too have suffered losses and emotional stresses. I can give you some advice ...for what it's worth. Message me if you'd like to talk by phone I r something.

Oh and calories math is a lie. It is way more complicated than that.

If you don't want "judgement", what did you ask us to do but judge the foods you eat, the exercise or lack thereof? No one here wants what is bad for you but we're telling you, like your surgeons' office should do, a counselor should do, the same things that you will pay them for. They're going to ask why you aren't following them or trying them.

I have to reiterate what others said. I agree that while it seems harsh to you, they are asking you the same questions any counselor or your surgeons' office or dietician is going to do. You know the behaviors, you've stated them. What about trying 5:2 or going back to your original diet? What about exercise?

Lisa. I am 3 years out. I know exactly what you mean about changes a few years down the road. I have not lost a husband but I too have suffered losses and emotional stresses. I can give you some advice ...for what it's worth. Message me if you'd like to talk by phone I r something.

Thank you for your understanding. I messaged you. I really need advice on what you are eating this far out. I appreciate the support.

Oops. I didn't realize this was posted in the veterans forum. Sorry for horning in.

You didn't. There is a problem with the forum. Its based on # of posts not your year.

Ok, so this is just my personal experience. I am 3 years out in 10 days and what I have noticed is that "compliance" is easier sometimes and harder other times. What I will say is that I have quite recently noticed a much higher drive to eat, and seems to me like the maintenance challenge is not getting easier over time. I think in reading other "vets" sharing, I am not unique in this. The experience at 2-3years post op is a bit different than someone in their first year or so of surgery.

Anyway, you know what needs to happen, but the question is the best way to "reset". First, deep breath. Anxiety over gaining/shame - all those feelings CREATE emotional desire to stress eat. If you can start working on a calmer "get er done" point of view, it will take some of the anxiety out of it and become much more action oriented.

I think you need to know yourself a little. Some people are cold turkey and others need to make small gradual changes and work hard to get one change to stick at a time. I am probably a blend of both, but when I am uber stressed (come on you lost your husband!) I can't deal with cold turkey.

So, I would probably tackle 3 things first - perhaps spreading the changes out by a few days or a week or whatever feels like you can manage. One, start reducing coffee big time. I would go to 50-50 decaf to start with, and then place quantity and time box rules (like, no coffee after 10 am or something like that). have "abused" coffee during maintenance as it gives me a pick up energy feeling and helps combat appetite. That can boomerang on you though, cause tummy troubles AND if you are adding a bunch of sweet junk, can also introduce a bunch of calories and craving inducing carbs. replace it with plain Water or herbal teas.

Second, just stop buying trigger foods - sounds like fudgecycles are yours. for me, it is Protein bars and bread. The bread is really hard because my sons live here now and like sandwiches. Trouble is it calls my name. anyway, if you can make the decision just once - at the grocery store - to simply not buy trigger foods - it is so much easier to resist. Once they are in the house... oh boy!

Third, I would start meal planning/tracking on my fitness pal. When I read your descriptions, it is hard to see that you are eating enough to be seriously gaining (although who knows, right?). My fitness pal or some other tracking tool kinda makes you face reality. I would go back to the basics of planning nutritions meals and Snacks. For me, 4 per day, protein first with veggies is the winning combination. If I can eat that way, my cravings and hunger reduce DRASTICALLY.

Not sure if you have started drinking a bit of wine or other alchohol or having crackers/snacky type foods, but to the extent you can eliminate them - it will really help reduce the feeling of cravings.

So, I am suggesting that you don't need to severely restrict your food, which can be very stressful. I am suggesting that you put some structure around your eating - planned meals and snacks, plan how much water you get, plan to limit your coffee. Plan a snack substitutue for the fudgecycles.

Example, how about 1/2 cup of greek yogurt with frozen fruit. Plenty of carbs, some protein, but a healthier way to get it. Even if if is higher calorie than the fudgecycles, you are unlikely to want 3 servings.... and will be more satiated with one.

So a healthy eating plan might be something like:

Breakfast:

Veggie and turkeY (low cal/low carb) sausage and egg beater omelette

Lunch:

salad greens and salad veggies with tuna or chicken breast. Use a bit of olive oil and yummy white balsamic vinegar dressing

Dinner:

Lean meat

Side of veggies like brussel sprouts, green Beans, etc

small salad if still hungry

Snack:

Greek yogurt with a bit of frozen fruit

anyway, these are just some ideas.

I know this is hard, but I am also sure your beloved husband would want the best for you, including your good health. Worry more about health than strictly the number on the scale and good things will follow.

Once your eating is feeling more solid, then start considering activity and exercise as that can really make you feel better.

Good luck and hang in there!

Lisa -- what about thinking of some replacements for these triggers? Maybe replace the separate cups of coffee and Protein drinks with protein coffee? I drink Click, and there's another called Chike. They're tasty on their own, but you can blend in sugar-free creamers or flavors to make it taste more like an indulgent drink. If you combine the coffee drink and Protein Drinks, reducing your overall quantity in a day, you reduce your calorie intake. As for the fudgecicles, perhaps switch to diet hot chocolate? One packet is 20-25 calories, and you still get that chocolate flavor. If it's the Popsicle you want, maybe switch to 10 calorie sugar-free Popsicles.

I agree with others that you need to take a hard look at this before it gets too out of hand, and while you should have grace for yourself, you should not allow your husband's passing to cause you to make excuses when it comes to your health and eating. Counseling is a great idea, but I've also been very helped by a local GriefShare class. New semesters will start in January. Take one day at a time, and perhaps begin tracking again so you can keep those liquid and snack calories in check.

Edited December 1, 201411 yr by VSG AJH

I've started today with getting rid of the sugar creamers and am trying stevia and sugar free creamers (even though I know they aren't good for me health wise) and I finally ate Breakfast for the first time in months. I didn't have a shake but an organic egg, spinach, and 35 calorie sliced cheese. I'm going to try and detox from the sugar. I also made "fruit water" with apples, grapefruit, and tangerines. I would love some strawberries but didn't have any at the store so I will try that next time. The grapefruit is supposed to be good to help detox the liver. I do not have any more fudgesicles at all. That will be the test for me tonight. During the day is easy. I had to MAKE myself eat breakfast. I didn't like it and couldn't finish it but almost all of it. Now for lunch? I just really hate eating during the day. I did have blood work awhile back and my PCP said my metabolism was nill. I am walking now like I said in my first post. Not sure everyone read it all. I am disabled with back issues... won't go into all of that because most people don't believe it anyway but after working 33 years, the Dr's suggested disability and I have been receiving my benefits I paid in over that time for a year now. So walking is great. Although today we have sleet so I will do a walking tape.

Jane, I can't thank you enough! You are so nice to help me out. All of your suggestions are great. I will keep you posted on how I'm doing. I did download an app from my surgery center called "My Newself" which is like my fitness pal. Started logging today.

God bless you and thanks again for all the encouragement.... Oh.. I don't drink at all. So none of my calories are from alcohol.

Edited December 1, 201411 yr by Lisa's Hope

Lisa -- what about thinking of some replacements for these triggers? Maybe replace the separate cups of coffee and Protein drinks with protein coffee? I drink Click, and there's another called Chike. They're tasty on their own, but you can blend in sugar-free creamers or flavors to make it taste more like an indulgent drink. If you combine the coffee drink and protein drinks, reducing your overall quantity in a day, you reduce your calorie intake. As for the fudgecicles, perhaps switch to diet hot chocolate? One packet is 20-25 calories, and you still get that chocolate flavor. If it's the Popsicle you want, maybe switch to 10 calorie sugar-free Popsicles.

I agree with others that you need to take a hard look at this before it gets too out of hand, and while you should have grace for yourself, you should not allow your husband's passing to cause you to make excuses when it comes to your health and eating. Counseling is a great idea, but I've also been very helped by a local GriefShare class. New semesters will start in January. Take one day at a time, and perhaps begin tracking again so you can keep those liquid and snack calories in check.

I will try those. Where do you purchase the Click or Chike? Thanks for your encouragement.

Lisa,

I have also gotten way off track, it's a recurring issue with me, and I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of not letting myself "forget" it once my weight gets back in my comfort zone. For me, personally, I cannot handle sugar in moderation. I know lots of folks can, and being able to have the occasional treat is key to staying on track. For ME, those treats have to be sugar-free, or I get sucked back in and get totally out of control, and it takes ages to drag myself back on track. I've got coming up on 4 weeks sugar-free under my belt, and it's SO much easier to stay on track once I get myself there.

I'll second the suggestion for Click, I love the mocha flavor. You can order it from Amazon, I'm not sure I've ever seen it in a store.

Jane's response is awesome on so many accounts. It truly is about being brutally honest with yourself about what will work for you, vs what's an excuse not to give up something you've become attached to.

I think if you can get 2-3 solid weeks of good eating habits behind you, you'll begin to really feel a difference, and it won't be such a struggle, but the key is to arm yourself with every possible tool you can think of for those 2-3 weeks. MyFitnessPal helps me, journaling helps sometimes, checking in on WLS sites like this one, or blogs that inspire me help keep me focused. Another strategy that's worked for me before is to join a challenge of some sort. MyTinyTank runs 6-week challenges every few weeks on a private Facebook page. Unfortunately you just missed the start of one (Nov. 29), but check out her website for more info (just search for MyTinyTank).

If you're on MyFitnessPal, send me a PM if you'd like to connect there for daily checking-in and support. I'm walking the same path, I'd be glad of some company in getting my weight back under control.

You probably know this already... but one of the ways people regain is that whole "I am not hungry enough to eat a real meal".... so then they are not satiated so that is when liquid calories and little snacky unhealthy foods start sneaking in. Those snacky foods are insideous. It seems like you really aren't eating... but the carbs and calorie count can be astounding.

So, while I understand not having hunger for breakfast and lunch, I think it is important to get at least a small amount of nutrient dense food (ie Protein and veggies in) and it may prevent over eating in the evening.

I say don't buy into the "my metabolism is nil" story. I KNOW I need to eat less compared to other women my relative age/size. Oh well, that is life. Sort of dwelling on that crap is just negativity. We each have to find our own path, and what we need may adapt over time even. I compare this to my orthopedic doctor who told me that he never likes to tell people they have "bone on bone" arthritis. What matters is can they function with a managable amount of pain or discomfort? If they can, who cares what the XRays show.

Relating back to food, I genuinely believe that eating the right kinds of food will help you manage your weight over strict calorie control. If it were just calories, I would have been trim while following weight watchers etc and I never was.

I am one of the rare people that don't track (although i believe in the value of it) because I KNOW that eating healthy foods, in sort of the program I typed up is how I maintain.