My gastric sleeve surgery is scheduled for October 22nd. I've been lurking on the site for months though and am grateful for all of the support that is out there; only 2 very supportive people in my life know about my decision. I am about 3 days into the pre-op diet. I am a coffee fiend and a smoker and the withdrawal from both the nicotine and caffeine that my surgeon requires feels like poo; so much so that the diet isn't even fazing me. I've gone back and forth between cranky and lethargic and weepy and anxious. I understand that this is normal. I thought to myself, "Why are you doing this!?" I thought I would remind myself and share with all of you.

I've always been fat. I never used words like curvy or fluffy because they just don't do these rolls and blubber justice. Also, because I just couldn't bring myself to romanticize something that I've always hated; my body. I went on my first diet program at the age of 15 and over the course of the last 22 years I have spent thousands of dollars on infomercial exercise devices and weight loss tablets all so that I could lose and gain the same 150lbs over and over and over. It's crazy how I managed to become comfortable being uncomfortable. Last year, I got a sassy short haircut and while running my hand along the back of my head, I felt a fat roll....on my head. Not my first, of course, but a great dawning began. I realized that my highest weight and largest clothing size had been consistently growing over the years. The pile of smaller clothing that I one day hoped to wear again was made up of garments that were no longer fashionable and began to outnumber the clothes that actually fit. I realized how tired I was after attempting to play with my young child and felt immense guilt at just how many activities I begged out of due to my weight and lack of endurance. I realized that it was becoming increasingly difficult to wipe my own behind thoroughly, especially in tiny public bathroom stalls. I realized how much of my thoughts revolved around food and how ashamed I felt to even raise a fork to my lips in front of others. I realized much of this while carrying a basket of laundry to from the basement to the top floor; I had to stop on the ground level to catch my breath.

Why am I doing this? Because despite how big I am, I feel really small. This was certainly not the plan. I am tired of being a slave to food and I am tired of the bondage of this body that doesn't reflect who I really am. I don't recognize the lady in the mirror and I don't like her. I am doing this because I am ready to stop limiting myself. Because I want to live and not exist.

Please share if you will. Why are you doing/did you do this? What moments were really memorable in your decision making process?

Being healthy, happy and regain self confidence again. I want to get my old self back and be the best role model that I can be for my 3 little girls. I want to eat to live, not live to eat. Most people that I have come to know in the last few years only know the fat me. They don't even know that I used to be a size 4 to 6 in past years. So, as my weight goes down, I will literally get to go shopping in my own closet! It's amazing that if you hold onto stuff, it comes back into style again eventually. Ha ha! When I reach my goal weight, then I will reward myself with a big shopping trip.

I want to see respect in the eyes of others.... More importantly I want to respect myself.... And once again love myself.

I want to eat to live instead of living to eat. I don't want to let it control me anymore. I want to be able to hike the Grand Canyon and have children one day and be with my husband for many many years instead of dying from a heart attack at age 40. I have always struggled with my weight - we dieted as a family all through my childhood from age 7. I want my life to be more than the unhappiness and depression I feel when I look in the mirror. I want to be able to love my husband with my whole heart, which of course, requires me to love myself first. I'm 26 years old and I can't walk up a flight of stairs without being winded. So I'm having surgery in hopes that I can wake up every day and look around at the world with wonder as opposed to waking up every day and simply existing. Good luck to you guys ????

I am having surgery the 22nd as well! I started my pre op diet on Wednesday. I've lost about 10 pounds so far on the liquids. It took me a long time to get to the point that I was ready for surgery. I used to look at surgery as a cop out. But now I see it is just a tool. I went to a different doctor last year but backed out because I did not feel comfortable with the place. It took me 8 months to talk myself into finding another doctor. I'm so glad I did. I have never been more ready for anything in my life. I am tired of my weight controlling my life. I'm ready to regain control. I know it's not going to be easy, but that's OK. I know it will be worth it!

Good OP.

You asked: "Why are you doing/did you do this? What moments were really memorable in your decision making process?"

Frankly, I was desperate. In my late 60s, I had suffered some health and stress setbacks the previous year and a half and gained considerable weight. I simply could not fathom any form of satisfactory retirement (next year) and had no idea how I could manage to lose as much weight as I had to lose (nearly 100 pounds). I also knew that even if I lost the weight I'd never maintain the weight loss -- since I NEVER HAVE BEFORE.

I remember telling someone I was just so f**k**g disappointed in myself.

In the end, I really had no other options. I'd tried all the others (at least 40 diets throughout my life, lots of weight lost and regained). I kept thinking of the famous Einstein definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I'm not insane. And I'm not stupid. And I don't have time to mess around anymore. So I did this.

I want my life back.

I was tired of being the "funny fat friend" and the fluffy grandma. I just wanted to be me. I hated shopping, photos and dreaded seeing old friends because of my embarrassment over my size.

Flash forward, I'm healthy , happy and outgoing again. I must admit , my sleeve is gift I gave myself.

Edited October 13, 201411 yr by JanetPRN

I was tired of being the "funny fat friend" and the fluffy grandma. I just wanted to be me. I hated shopping, photos and dreaded seeing old friends because of my embarrassment over my size.

Flash forward, I'm healthy , happy and outgoing again. I must admit , my sleeve is gift I gave myself.

Oh my! Your pre-op phobias are exactly like mine!

Good luck to all of you having your surgery on the 22nd my husband and I were sleeved on the 22nd October 2013. I have lost 107lb and he has lost 109lb. It's life changing.

Happy life changing day! It's going to take some time and frustration to get everything worked out but it comes together eventually. We've ALL been there. Attitude is EVERYTHING! When I woke up I basically couldn't wipe the stupid grin off of my face. Reach out to us with any questions. I found this forum to be such a relief. I could relate to so many. Happy Days!!!