I don't know why! But this topic is stuck in my head today and no matter where I am on the forum someone brings it up:

Does it really matter how big you were when you started to take this journey? Should I be more ashamed of myself then someone who weighed 330 lbs. Instead of my 380 when I started? Should I feel like I have committed some kind of crime against myself or mankind because I was at a higher weight when I started then a 250 lb member that goes on about how ashamed they are about who they were..

Isn't it the most important thing that we have all in fact started to take an interest in our personal health and well being without making others feel like they should hang their heads in shame because they started higher then you did....Maybe not intentionally saying it but it comes across that way!

I thought that as a family we would be there for each other and support each other even if you have 50 lbs. to lose. To you it is a huge amount. I understand that we all have our own mindset about how we look and how we feel about ourselves.

Then on the other hand does that make me special because I have almost lost 200 lbs. Should I have been on some show for extreme obesity...i just don't get it.

I don't get that people are afraid to show who they are becoming with pride. Keep the past where it is. In the past and Celebrate what you are becoming or have become.

When do we celebrate the good that we have all done..When do we stop feeling like we don't deserve it or that I am a failure even before I start because I weighed this much....

This is real life not a script to be followed. This is you and me. Real people..Real health issues and have had the courage and grit to work hard to fix ourselves and stand out.

We are all different as I said but I am not going to feel bad because I was more obese then you when I started this trek. And I don't like it when others without realizing it make me feel bad because I was.....

Oh my @@Mississippi Girl that was too much praise. Thank you for sharing that I at least had a share in helping you somewhere along the road! That brought tears to my eyes!

@RJ'S/beginning I'm not sure if there is a specific post that bothered you, but I hear what you are saying. I think that in general, there is still such shame associated with obesity and that people are discriminated against on many levels. This leads to feelings of low self-worth. Each of travels a unique path, and so you never know what others have encountered that make them feel the way they do. Some people think they are fat with a few pounds to lose, and others tolerate being truly obese without feeling that way. That shame factor is as unique as all of us are, and it's sad, because we all need to let go of it.

At any rate, I was one with a lot of weight to lose. For me, I felt like that huge amount made my journey a little harder because it is taking longer....but then I remember that it's hard no matter what weight you are at, or where you started. You have to do this, every day, all day, if you want to succeed.

You are great example of success and great role model on the boards. You live and own it, and have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Edited April 30, 201412 yr by MichiganChic

I recently posted hugs to someone that was feeling that shame you described. Shame is an emotion that has wrecked my weight loss attempts many times. If we are feeling that way, I think it is something we have to get over or we will never get to our goals (no matter what our final weight). I was impressed with the person that posted for the bare honesty with which she brought her pain to the group.

Perhaps I am totally misunderstanding what you are saying, but personally, I am completely embarrassed when people ask me how much I've lost. I was proud and excited when it was 30, 40, 60 pounds, but now at 100+, I simply smile and tell them "a small person", "half of you" or simply "way more than I should have had to".

I never suffered with low self esteem before but I am noticing that the more I lose and the smaller I become, I am focusing more and more on my flaws. I don't mind having my picture taken as much as I used to (with the exception of a picture this weekend where I swear I look like the Michelin tire guy if he was pink), and I am thrilled with my progress, but I am not where I want to be quite yet.

I am extremely goal oriented and very competitive. Can't help it, it's just my nature. Getting to goal has proved to be a challenge for me, almost an addiction. I'm sure that's just as unhealthy (in a different way) as allowing myself to get as large as I was, especially as I have adjusted my goal down when I reached my original goal both in weight and in clothing size a few months ago. When I got there, I just wasn't happy and even at ten pounds less and one clothing size smaller, I am still not happy with where I am. Getting there, for sure, but not there yet. I need a focus or I will end up right back where I was.

Remembering where I started and hating how far I let myself go reflects NOTHING on anyone else. Being unhappy with ME is not at all a detriment or judgement on (general) YOU. As for leaving the past in the past? HELL TO THE NO. Remembering what I was before will keep me fighting for never getting there again. I gained 4 frakking pounds this weekend (long, stressful, on my feet for more than 36 hours, etc.) which turned out to be Water, but that sure as sh!t was an eye opener about what I was stuffing in my gullet and put me right back on track this week.

This kind of reminds me of an incident several years ago that totally broke my heart. I had brain surgery and my circle of friend totally gathered around me and my family. One friend was missing but no one made a big deal of it. Turned out, she was also in the hospital for a major surgery but didn't let anyone know because she felt that her issue was not was important as mine and didn't want to pull the focus away from what I was going through. I totally wanted to kick her ass. My need at the time took NOTHING away from her need. It wouldn't have mattered if she had just had an infected hangnail, what she was going through was just as important as what I was going through as were her feeling and emotions surrounding it.

What am I saying in all this rambling? What I am going through physically and emotionally has no bearing on what you are going through and should not make you feel better or worse. Hopefully, we can all empathize with each other even though our weight loss journeys (sorry @@Madam Reverie) are so unique to us individually. Again, perhaps I am misunderstanding, and I totally missed any comments that might have made you feel bad about where you started, but why allow a stranger on the internet validate or discredit you?

So yes, to me, it matters. I love love love that it doesn't matter for you, though. <3

I will echo a lot of what lipstick lady says. I am embarrassed by what I looked like when I started. It doesn't mean I judged what anyone else looked like. How I feel about me has nothing to do with how I think about anyone else. We are always nice to other people than we are to ourselves anyway aren't we?

I'm just starting this journey, but I can see both sides. The shame, wow I had to shed 120 lbs how embarrassing. Flip side, I LOST 100 lbs and I'm so happy!

Do you think perspective changes over time? I will gamble that it does, and eventually it will no longer matter either way.

RJ's/beginning,

I hope to lose over 100 pounds. I'm very fortunate in that I'm 6 feet tall so I carry the extra weight very well.

Most humans seem to have a bulit in need to compare themselves with other humans. Whether it's looks, height, weight, type of vehicle you drive, house you live in, and on and on and on. Back in the caveman days, probably fights broke out over who's cave was better?

I think that's why I love my four legged "children" so much. They don't care what I look like, what kind of car I drive or what kind of house we live in. I provide the shelter, food, Water, vet care and they provide the unconditional love.

Kathleen

@RJ'S/beginning I'm not sure if there is a specific post that bothered you, but I hear what you are saying. I think that in general, there is still such shame associated with obesity and that people are discriminated against on many levels. This leads to feelings of low self-worth. Each of travels a unique path, and so you never know what others have encountered that make them feel the way they do. Some people think they are fat with a few pounds to lose, and others tolerate being truly obese without feeling that way. That shame factor is as unique as all of us are, and it's sad, because we all need to let go of it.

At any rate, I was one with a lot of weight to lose. For me, I felt like that huge amount made my journey a little harder because it is taking longer....but then I remember that it's hard no matter what weight you are at, or where you started. You have to do this, every day, all day, if you want to succeed.

You are great example of success and great role model on the boards. You live and own it, and have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

No it was not anyone specific comment..They were not meant for me or anyone else. It is a situation of self loathing that I read in comments several times lately that got to me....I hate it that we are so destructive to ourselves and some of the remarks made me think that I am wrong to not be more ashamed of myself as I was heavier then a lot of patients on here....

This self abuse leads to negative results and helps no one go forward.....I just think that it is something to be so proud off and give yourself the slap on the shoulder you deserve.....We have all paid dearly for this in one way or another with the goal of improving our health and fixing our brains...

Come on guys give yourselves a break and Celebrate where you have come so far..Be proud of it....Own it too!!!! That is all I am saying!

I recently posted hugs to someone that was feeling that shame you described. Shame is an emotion that has wrecked my weight loss attempts many times. If we are feeling that way, I think it is something we have to get over or we will never get to our goals (no matter what our final weight). I was impressed with the person that posted for the bare honesty with which she brought her pain to the group.

That is what we are here for to be supportive to everyone when they are down and out.... I just don't like the way they see themselves and it bothers me in a way because I started to see myself worse in my own eyes then I saw myself before......

Shame does not work but it does effect us in a negative way.......I feel bad but somehow it got to much for me this week. I think because I read it in a number of posts....Self loathing for the past....It has to be put in its place... the past....I understand. I feel the pain for others....But can't help thinking that maybe I did not feel bad enough about myself before I did this....I don't know.....It is just weird for me to explain today. Yesterday it seemed easier!

I'm only bothered when people question the WLS decision of a 210 pound beginner (like I was). I was well in the obese category and was experiencing most of the health issues that others are trying to avoid. That being said, I don't think anyone voicing their own journey and negative self-image should impact any of us. I think we know we are all in this together.

And RJ--we love you!

I will echo a lot of what lipstick lady says. I am embarrassed by what I looked like when I started. It doesn't mean I judged what anyone else looked like. How I feel about me has nothing to do with how I think about anyone else. We are always nice to other people than we are to ourselves anyway aren't we?

I never said that anyone was judging anyone else...I said that it got me thinking about a whole lot of stuff about myself and how terrible people feel about themselves even after they have gone forward and started to fix it......I think that it is a good thing to not forget where you started. But I think too that you should celebrate the new you emerging and not hold on to the painful way we thought about ourselves.....You are no longer that person as I am not!

Like I said maybe it is because I just got home from the hospital after a 6 day stay from another complication...I don't know...I just feel so bad that people loath themselves for who they were in size. They never robbed banks, killed people or caused injury to someone.. .But they treat themselves by their thinking worse then some who have done all these things....

I just want to see everyone enjoying the trek....Not continue to beat themselves up over it.....It is just who I am!!!

Edited April 30, 201412 yr by RJ'S/beginning

I'm just starting this journey, but I can see both sides. The shame, wow I had to shed 120 lbs how embarrassing. Flip side, I LOST 100 lbs and I'm so happy!

Do you think perspective changes over time? I will gamble that it does, and eventually it will no longer matter either way.

Boy I hope it does eventually! Or do we just replace one demon for another....I just don't know!

I'm only bothered when people question the WLS decision of a 210 pound beginner (like I was). I was well in the obese category and was experiencing most of the health issues that others are trying to avoid. That being said, I don't think anyone voicing their own journey and negative self-image should impact any of us. I think we know we are all in this together.

And RJ--we love you!

As I said it can be as bad the other way as well.....I just think like I have repeated over and over again..To celebrate the new emerging you and don't pick on her/him for their past....( I am referring to self destructive thoughts ) Not what someone else says......

We have endured enough pain and we can all express it but if you are almost there and you still think you are a horrible person and cannot get past the past......It just makes me feel so bad! That's all!

I'm there with you Teachamy -- I'm right around the 210 mark at 36 BMI. I just don't want to hear that "but you're not that big" comment so I'm not telling a lot of people before surgery. It's my decision to stop this weight gain cycle and improve my health before it gets so bad it makes the surgery more risky.

I do have to admit, when I told my 20 yo son I was having the surgery, he did say "You're not as big as you think you are..." and it made me smile. He loves me a lot and thinks I'm too hard on myself. Of course, it doesn't sway my decision because he's my kid and doesn't get a vote, but, it still felt nice that he could express he cares.

I'm there with you Teachamy -- I'm right around the 210 mark at 36 BMI. I just don't want to hear that "but you're not that big" comment so I'm not telling a lot of people before surgery. It's my decision to stop this weight gain cycle and improve my health before it gets so bad it makes the surgery more risky.

I do have to admit, when I told my 20 yo son I was having the surgery, he did say "You're not as big as you think you are..." and it made me smile. He loves me a lot and thinks I'm too hard on myself. Of course, it doesn't sway my decision because he's my kid and doesn't get a vote, but, it still felt nice that he could express he cares.

When I was 210 I went to WW and was scared to death about my gain...I did not have any other options at the time that I knew about..If I had I would have taken it even then.....Now these procedures are becoming more in the public eye as they see a need to help us in our fight...

Trust me @@Ginger Snaps I would have done it then like you with no guilt......Your one that has caught it before it gets really unhealthy...I admire that in you!