I'm not sure if anyone else struggles with this, but I REALLY do. I drive myself, and everyone I know, crazy with this question. I find myself asking strangers sometimes, if the conversations makes it's way there (which I know how to drive that, lol). So, that's what I'm doing here, too. Please don't judge me harshly

I wanted to be one of those people who set their goal and succeeded to get there. I find that I'm not one of them, and that magic number is elusive to me. So the commentary in my head goes like this, day after day, all day, every day:

- I haven't reached my goal....I'm going to have to DO something.....

- Maybe this is all I'll ever lose, and that's OK

- No, you had a goal, you can do it.....

- Well, you look good. You wear a size 10

- But I could wear a size 8! And, my BMI is still high. So I must be FAT.

- You aren't that fat, all your bones are sticking out and it hurts when you bump them.

- Well, maybe the weight would just come off my thighs, not where I'm already bony.

- That's just stupid, you never had thin thighs. Just be happy.

- Yes, that's right. I can be happy like this, my life is great. Just shift my goal a little, be realistic!

- But wait, AM I being realistic? Maybe I'm just giving myself an easy out.

- Yeah, you are just giving yourself permission to go into maintenance. After all with a BMI of 28, you are overweight. Better kick it up a notch.

And on, and on, and on. It's exhausting! So, am I fat?? It's not a rhetorical question. The surgeon says I'm good to go. The dietitian at my docs office says I'm not fat, and just go into maintenance. She said most people end up with a BMI around 28, and that it is successful. I'll be honest, I don't exercise, (bad knee) and I think that's one thing that I could do to impact it. Also, my calories creep up on the weekends, and I know that's also impacting it. So, maybe I could get there, but I've been on a plateau and I haven't lost in months, even when I was doing those things.

The real question is, am I fat? Not compared to the weight I was (I think people who know me always have that point of reference), but compared to normal people. How important is the number to all of you? Thanks for listening!

I wish I had more time to reply. Maybe I can come back later...I'm wondering if your "I'm fat" tape plays because as you stated "if I'm being honest I don't work out and my calories are creeping." (Something to that effect)

Sometimes instead if taking behavioral action on these stinkin thoughts, we just play the self deprecating tape over and over. Just something to observe.

If you're saying you "should work out" as part of your recovery and you are not working out, then you go through the mental exercise of shoulding on yourself...yuk. Lol.

Am I making sense?

I think there could be some truth to this. I know I should work out. I go through spurts where I do, and I feel better for it. I'm irritated because walking would be the simplest thing to do, and every time I try, I pay for it in pain. I need a knee replacement and I'm putting it off. If I don't overdo it, I have little to no pain. However - I know there are plenty of other things I can and should be doing, but I have a zillion excuses for not doing them, and "I don't feel like it" is at the top of the list, lol. I have no illusions about it. Thanks for your thoughtful response - I appreciate it!

You look awesome, no fat anywhere! My brain used to tell me you aren't that big andI was. Don't let it drive you crazy. Honestly, you look as if you've been that size all your life.

I was morbidly obese for over 25 years. Glad that's over, lol! Thanks for your kind words

I think you look "normal". And "normal" in my book is not fat. I think a bunch of us hope to look normal someday (I'm early in my journey so that's one of my goals). Normal = not fat, normal clothes, don't stick out in the crowd, don't panic about fitting into a seat somewhere. You look healthy, thin and normal. I've struggled with what's my goal. I say 165 based on BMI but it's been almost 30 years since I weighed that. I have so far to go but one thing I've figured out, is this surgery definitely didn't fix my brain. The negative messages that play in my brain helped the vicious cycle that helped me weigh 325 pounds. I really, really, REALLY want to wake up someday and just be "normal". Normal in my brain and in my appearance. You look wonderfully normal to me! I have bad knees. I already meet criteria for a total knee replacement at 45 (although my goal is to delay that to 55). I love, love, love water aerobics. Not sure if you've ever done them but it really does burn calories and helps tone muscles. I can do some land exercises but I'll pay for it in pain. Exercise might get you where you want to be. But man, I'd kill to be a size 10 (maybe not kill but....).

Gurl, not even a little. You look totally normal. I think it's a pretty common pitfall to get caught up in the numbers. I, like you, wanted this surgery to be healthier, more mobility and to (hopefully) extend my longevity. Overall, just to be healthier.

Also like you, I am now totally caught up (read: obsessed) with the numbers. I am off almost all my meds. I wear smaller sizes. I am at a much more manageable weight and all I can think about is how much more I need to lose. Logically, I know I should enjoy my success and not stress so much. I guess it's a learning process, but I am quite sure we need to acknowledge and accept the success we've had to date. A good ole atta girl, if you will.

I'm thankful for this thread I have been dealing with the same issues.

As people compliment me on my weight loss I find that instead is just acknowledging

the compliment I tend to add "yeah but" I need to loss so much more.

I'm working on accepting myself and my journey as a marathon not a sprint.

Edited April 16, 201412 yr by gourmetone

both of you look great!!! wow...you all have achieved some great results..hats off to you...

Hi there,

You look good to me. Everyone is different and goal weight and BMI is such a personal issue!

My Dr. told me that people with overweight BMI who exercised were healthier than those with normal BMI that did not. My takeaway is that my Dr. considered overweight BMI healthy enough and getting to normal BMI is a vanity goal.

To me, the bigger struggle is staying at goal weight, whatever that is for you. It's so easy for weight to creep back on and a little creep over time can mean big gain down the line. Once that goal weight is set, it's important to stay there.

I think we all have remnants of the fat brain, and physical reminders that we were once obese. My skin is looser than I'd like and there are flabby areas that are not going away without surgery. But overall, I'm happy with my look. My skin is not bad enough for me to want surgery.

Lynda

I agree, BMI does seem to be a personal issue. I'm an RN and rooted in science, so it's hard for me to let go of the number that's a gold standard in medicine. My common sense side tells me to forget the science on that one and look at the whole picture, but the 30 year nursing history doesn't want me to. I really think that's part of my struggle. My surgeon says I'm good to go, but I see my primary care doc sort of struggling with it like I do. He wants to tell me to get to a normal BMI, then in the next breath he tells me not to worry about it. So, I think you are right, it becomes a personal thing.

The other thing playing in my mind IS about maintenance. I think it's already hard....I've been maintaining while actively trying to lose! I'm a bit panicked that I don't have any wiggle room, and that I'm going to start going the wrong way. I've learned a lot over the past 16 months, and I know I need to eat 800 calories to lose. And that is with or without exercise. It's no mystery why I was so obese - combo of bad habits and super efficient at storing calories. I need to figure out how to maintain now. I think FYE said it - I'm probably in maintenance now, and it's the increased calories on the weekend keeping me at this weight. Guess I need to see what it averages to over a week, but I know it's not much.

Anyway, this conversation with all of you is quite helpful to me. It's given me some perspective while allowing me to think about what's really driving the crazy tune in my head. Thanks for your response (and I always enjoy hearing what you have to say!)

I think you look great.

My surgeon told me that once you hit about 28 BMI - you really have addressed the "health issues" of being overweight.

It is so tempting to constantly compare ourselves, but I feel strongly that we need to come to peace with our looks... for heaven's sakes before having plastics for skin removal. When I did my research, the people who were most unhappy with their results were ones that actually never had peace/comfortable in their own skin after weight loss.

The thing is, everyone has flaws... we just see them more in ourselves than in others.

You look great to me! My issue is that I am below goal and my skin is so jiggly! I'm 67 and don't want plastics. Just had internal surgery 1 1/2 weeks ago and can't exercise yet! Wonder if I am losing muscle mass.

@@MichiganChic

By your photos you don't appear fat. I'll say that no you are not. I think the real question is could you lose more weight for better heath? Only you can get those answers from medical professionals. Get your body fat % checked, get your blood panels checked and perhaps do start some kind of fitness routine. Everyone should have some kind of fitness routine regardless if they are overweight or not. That said, you look really great to me. But it should be about so much more than how we look. Good luck.

Diva, great points. I should have said I am fortunate to enjoy really good health, other than the knee. I was a pretty healthy fat girl, too, but weight loss has improved everything. My medical team has deemed me healthy, so I suppose that's why I turned to the question of looks, trying to decide whether or not to stress about losing more weight. I was thinking that my body is fighting losing more, and if my medical team says I'm good to go, then maybe it was time consider that this was good enough. I just didn't want to give myself an "easy out" in case I didn't see something others see. It's as if I'm accustomed to misery when it comes to my weight, or something. Almost like I'm wondering if I have the right to feel good about this weight?

The more I read people's responses, the more I'm remembering why I did this to start with, and just looking good was not at the top of my list. I agree with the fitness regime, and if you were my patient, I would also recommend that. Excellent advice! Thanks so much for your response!

You are BEAUTIFUL! Own it! Enjoy it! Revel in it! Please stop torturing yourself over the BMI number! I will probably never reach a "normal" BMI number. I don't care as long as I'm healthy and feel good in my body. That being said we are both in the same maintenance boat together. Struggling to reach a certain number and take off the last few lbs. I also have bad knees but not ready for the knee replacement yet. Do you still have cartiledge? If so Synvisk injection really helped me and that was pre-weight loss.

@@MichiganChic I understand completely trust me! But from my standpoint you look normal and thin and healthy. So as you say your medical team says that you are then no need to worry. (((hugs))) Be proud of yourself, you have achieved what you set out to do.

I think you look "normal". And "normal" in my book is not fat. I think a bunch of us hope to look normal someday (I'm early in my journey so that's one of my goals). Normal = not fat, normal clothes, don't stick out in the crowd, don't panic about fitting into a seat somewhere. You look healthy, thin and normal. I've struggled with what's my goal. I say 165 based on BMI but it's been almost 30 years since I weighed that. I have so far to go but one thing I've figured out, is this surgery definitely didn't fix my brain. The negative messages that play in my brain helped the vicious cycle that helped me weigh 325 pounds. I really, really, REALLY want to wake up someday and just be "normal". Normal in my brain and in my appearance. You look wonderfully normal to me! I have bad knees. I already meet criteria for a total knee replacement at 45 (although my goal is to delay that to 55). I love, love, love Water aerobics. Not sure if you've ever done them but it really does burn calories and helps tone muscles. I can do some land exercises but I'll pay for it in pain. Exercise might get you where you want to be. But man, I'd kill to be a size 10 (maybe not kill but....).

The good news is that if you do what you should, some day you WILL wake a thin woman. When I was heavy, I would wake up every day and the first thought that entered my mind was that I was still fat, and the obesity wasn't just a bad dream. Now I wake up every day thrilled to be a size 10. I can feel my bones and I love that. That's a few fleeting seconds of thought each day, but it does help to get things off to a great start. I am happy to be normal, and my definition is pretty similar to yours. On some levels my brain can see that I'm normal...but it's almost as if I can't shed that recurrent 30 year nightmare of obesity...like this is too good to be true. So when I factor in the science of a BMI, it adds credibility to the notion that perhaps it 's not true. Hence the crazy train in my brain, lol.

Incidentally, my highest weight was also 325. Somehow I managed to lose 75 pounds on weight watchers a few years ago and gained back "only" 55 of it.

Thanks for your thoughtful response and kind words. And good luck to you - you'll get there!

Um yes.. yes you are still fat or what is referred to as "skinny fat" work on your muscle tone as you start to feel stronger the "am I still fat" thoughts will disappear. They did for me, hope this helps get those thoughts out of your head.. You're a very pretty lady sometimes out thoughts and fears sabotage our success.

Thank you for your honest response. And see, you agree with my doubting brain

Gurl, not even a little. You look totally normal. I think it's a pretty common pitfall to get caught up in the numbers. I, like you, wanted this surgery to be healthier, more mobility and to (hopefully) extend my longevity. Overall, just to be healthier.

Also like you, I am now totally caught up (read: obsessed) with the numbers. I am off almost all my meds. I wear smaller sizes. I am at a much more manageable weight and all I can think about is how much more I need to lose. Logically, I know I should enjoy my success and not stress so much. I guess it's a learning process, but I am quite sure we need to acknowledge and accept the success we've had to date. A good ole atta girl, if you will.

I work and live in data and science, and it's very easy to get caught up in numbers. After all, I'd never make a decision at work without some statistical data to back it up. I also think as I was losing, the focus was always how much farther I had to go. Initially I set a goal, but never thought of it as set in stone. I knew that I'd have to see when I got closer. I don't want to look like what I call a "weight loss victim", meaning someone who is just too thin and gaunt and can't see that about themselves. Now that I'm at this point, shifting my focus is more difficult than I thought, but I will say that this thread has been really helpful to me. Hearing what others think truly does provide some perspective for me. We should both enjoy our success - we earned it! Thanks for responding, and I appreciate your encouragement!