My husband and I have been married 21 yrs, together 23 yrs. Our kids are 16 and 20 both still living at home. I actually started this journey in Oct. 2012 at 242 lbs. but I aquired a big client for my business and had to put surgery on the back burner till after the first of the year. My dad passed away in June and for some reason it made me take a good hard look at my life, health and appearance. I went back to my Dr. shortly after and re-started the process for VSG and had surgery in Sept. I lost 25 lbs. from Oct. of the previous year so I was 218 the day of surgery. My husband was against it at first but when he realized I was going ahead with it, with or without his support, he changed his mind and supported me 100%. He is a wonderful man, great husband and father and loves me unconditionally, always has since the day we met. My family loves him and his family loves me. Sounds like my marriage is perfect right? Wrong.

In May I reconnected with a former co-worker who came to work at one of my clients businesses. We have been friends for over 17 years working on and off together about the same amount of time. Years ago we determined there was a attraction to each other but never acted on it due to the fact that we were both married. When we began working together this time it took about a month before we realized the attraction was still there, stronger than ever and very foolishly started an emotional relationship. Lot's of intimate conversations at work, texting, phone calls but no physical contact other than a few kisses now and then. In a nutshell he is different than my husband in so many ways and quite frankly it's my main attraction to him. My husband is very non-communicative and it has always been a struggle to have any conversation with him. He is a simpleton, very easy to please and requires little maintenance as far as his needs are concerned. Not real big in the motivation department, happy with the 9-5 routine. The other man, on the other hand, is very verbal, great conversationalist, complex and shares my off beat sense of humor. He always has side projects going on to challenge himself and improve himself financially. We have an agreement between the two of us that things got a little to heavy and have scaled back our relationship. We don't talk as often and have stopped all phone calls and texts. He has encouraged me to work things out with my husband and we agreed if things are meant to be between us, it will happen.

Here's my problem. I am diligently trying to work things out with my husband but I can't get this man out of my head. I can't drop my client so I won't have to be around him a lot. That's not an option right now financially. I have been seeing a therapist for 3 months now but I'm still in the same place I was when I started. I love my husband but I can't forget how this other man makes me feel. I know it's not because of my weight loss that this man is attracted to me and I'm not going thru a mid-life crises. This man was attracted to me when I was heavy and tells me all time my weight was never an issue to him, we just click so perfectly and that's the biggest reason he's drawn to me. He is in the process of a divorce that will be final in the next few months.

WTF is wrong with me and why can't I get this guy out of my head? My marriage wasn't perfect before all this **** started but it wasn't bad either. Is it a simple case of falling out of love with one person and falling in love with another. I've never dealt with anything like this before, not even any marital problems other than a few arguments about my husbands drinking (he's cut way back on his drinking and no longer drinks at home) but for the most part I've had a very happy and fulfilled marriage.

Any input or advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Couldn't agree more with many of these posts, including M.Rev's thoughtful advice, but especially Nurse B when she says don't divorce your husband for another man. Be together with him or divorce him because of the relationship the two of you have together - forget the third party who just seems to be plugging the gaps of what's missing in your life. If you were happy with your husband, would you have given the other man a second look?

My ex-husband had an emotional relationship with a colleague that turned into a full blown affair. When I found out, I could deal with the sex but I couldn't cope with someone else being the one he turned to, talked to and spent time with rather than me.

But I knew that I didn't want "her" to be the reason my marriage failed, I wanted to know why he had done what he did and if there were things we could fix. So we tried, took time to work through things and I had therapy. And once I got past being hurt and territorial (I didn't want someone to take him away from me), and stepped back, I realised our relationship wasn't really what I wanted or needed any more. After 29 years, I saw that I hadn't been happy and that I deserved more.

He was shocked when I ended our marriage because, by that time, he had stopped seeing "her". He thought that was all it would take for me to let him stay. But he hadn't done enough to keep me by changing his behaviours ... Post affair he went back to the old ways and didn't see that if he/we changed nothing, one of us would cheat in future because the old issues remained unresolved and neither of us were really any happier.

Three years later, was it the right thing? Yes. But only because I tried to fix it first before I ended my marriage and because I did it for the right reasons - not the affair but because we just didn't work any more.

So that's my advice for what it's worth. Set aside the other man, he's a symptom of your unhappiness of your life with your husband. Put the effort into talking to your husband, be honest and don't hide how close to the edge you are. Give him a proper opportunity to make things better. If you do all of that and either he fails to step up or it's still not right for you, then be honourable and leave him. Don't mess with someone else, it won't help.

My only regret is that my ex didn't do me that courtesy before he went off and had an affair. If he had, I would have listened and we might have got over things together before the added complications of betrayal and no trust were added to a sad situation.

Thanks everyone for all the great advise. After reading over and over again how I needed to remove the third party completely and work on my marriage, I am doing just that. I have realized how much I do still love my husband and I don't want to leave him. I have opened up to him and surprisingly he did with me. We have had some serious discussions about how we both feel and in the process have discovered each other again. All this is far from over but I feel we are on the right path to recovery. I put the skids on the other relationship once and for all and feel so much better, but still very guilty. I'm not sure if I will tell my husband about it. I want to but don't want to hurt him just to relieve my own guilt. Hopefully we will get thru all this ugliness and when it has passed our marriage will be better than ever before.

Couldn't agree more about not telling him - that's just to make you feel better - what would it do to him and you efforts to make this right going forward?

The very best of luck, we will all be rooting for you x

This might not be the popular opinion but here it goes. I was in an unhappy marriage for 16 years. I stayed for all the wrong reasons. I "settled" for what I thought I deserved instead of what I really wanted. Three years ago, and while still married, I met a man that I knew was my soul mate. He was married at the time too. Three years later we are both divorced and married to each other. I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. People don't change. I spent the better part of my life trying to make someone change and it never happened. Life is way too short to "settle". Follow your heart and be happy!

This might not be the popular opinion but here it goes. I was in an unhappy marriage for 16 years. I stayed for all the wrong reasons. I "settled" for what I thought I deserved instead of what I really wanted. Three years ago, and while still married, I met a man that I knew was my soul mate. He was married at the time too. Three years later we are both divorced and married to each other. I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. People don't change. I spent the better part of my life trying to make someone change and it never happened. Life is way too short to "settle". Follow your heart and be happy!

Don't disagree, and since it took me THREE times to find someone to STAY in love with how could I.

BUT... now is not the time. Your mind is in a fragile state and you do not - cannot - make clear decisions now. And no matter what get counseling for yourself... first.

I also think it's the grass is greener syndrome. Of course man 2 is perfect.. they all are in the beginning. You leave your husband. ..newness wears off...and you are stuck wondering what you did to your life. Think about your kids. They are older but it doesn't make it any easier. They might not ever forgive you. Plus when they marry and have your grandkids where do you think they see going to spend holidays and time? The best least it will have to be split. Your husband may be a simple man. .but he has loved you got 23 years. That counts for something. I felt I was falling out of love one time. I decided to reconnect with my husband bc he is a great man and father. I can't imagine my life without him now. I can't imagine sharing my children or grandchildren bc I left a wonderful man in your words bc he is simple. In the end is your choice. My thought in any decision and life choice I make: when I am old and rocking on my front porch reflecting my life. ..what do I want those memories to be?

I think everyone has made great points. I don't want to be redundant but I will mention something I didn't see mentioned. You touched upon excessive drinking on your husband's part. You might want to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I know a lot of people find these type of meetings "cultish" but some find some good info and perspective. Just my perspective as an woman who grew up with an alcoholic mother, not drinking at home and "cutting back" doesn't always solve the problem. Just a thought. I completely agree though #1 - make no major changes this close to post op #2 - end your marriage only if it is completely irrepairable, not for someone else #3 - definitely give an honest shot before walking away - that means no contact or as little as possible with the other man