I thought I finally wanted this surgery. I've been following the pre-op eating plan, quit smoking Aug. 20.

Today I mentioned something, I don't remember what, to my neighbor while we were sitting outside. It was something about the operation. He said to me, "What are you afraid of?" At first I was indignant. However, that question has been on my mind all day.

I went and bought a pk. of cigarettes. I smoked one and it was disgusting. I lit up another on and took a drag, and that was disgusting. I put it out and now I'm posting.

I'm still on my eating plan.

I realized that I'm afraid of giving up control. After the surgery, the weight will start coming off rapidly, I expect.

What if I want to slow things down? What if I don't like being thin? I'm just not used to being thin any more.

I was thin years ago. But, I've spent many years until the present time as "the fat lady." The people in my life who I care about have been very nice and accepting of me as fat.

My head is spinning. What is up w me? I don't know what's going on.

Any comments, suggestions, insights, or just plain ole help is appreciated.

Thank you

P. S. My surgery is scheduled for November 14.

Talk to a bariatric psychologist about your feelings. It is a head thing! Make a list of reasons you want the surgery, and a list of ways being fat is 'serving' you. Compare them and see if you get any revelations.

That's your fear trying to talk you out of it. It's the worst enemy we all have within ourselves (I think big people beat themselves up more than any other!) trying to convince us to give up on our dreams.

Don't listen to that.

You would not be scheduled for surgery if you didn't know this was the best thing for you. You just WOULD NOT be this far in the process.

You better flush those nasty cigarettes down the toilet before they tempt you again. And don't ever pick any up again. They will NEVER make you feel better about anything. Not ever!!

Don't be afraid of your future. The future is uncertain no matter which path you chose. But when you start losing those pounds, you're gonna feel SO GOOD. Your friends may treat you differently. I'm going through it with a fat friend of mine. She's starting to get a little dry with me and I think it's because I'm shifting into "smaller than her" territory. It happens. If my best friend can't support me right now - then she's NOT MY BEST FRIEND.

Change is always good. Anything you lose along the way will be replaced with something better. KNOW IT!

Of course you are scared. We are all scared that haven't had the surgery. It is really, really normal. I can't even watch the Youtube videos of the surgery because is scares me to death.

This surgery isn't just about vanity and looking good, it is more about having a better quality and longer life. If you have not experienced the following health issues yet, high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, cancer, arthritis, planter fascitis, sleep apnea, the chances are you will eventually.

Unfortunately, I waited too long to lose the weight and have severe arthritis in my hip, sleep apnea and I am pre diabetic. Now is the time......when I get scared I think about all of my health issues that can be reversed with this surgery. The health issues immediately reminds me that it is too scary not to have the surgery.

The great news is you quit smoking. How wonderful is that?

Thank you for your replies.

SassyTink, Yes, I do have some health issues related to my obesity. I have edema in my legs and feet, RA in my feet, arthritis in the rest of my body. I have sleep apnea.

Thanks for getting my mind off of how I'll look and back onto my health issues.

makemyownluck, You are so right. I wouldn't have even signed on for this if I didn't think that I needed it in the first place.

I didn't mention that I signed into wl surgery programs in the past and have always dropped out. One reason being, or so I thought, b/c I didn't want the roux-en-y. Well, now I got my wish: My insurance now covers the vertical sleeve. And, here I go again, talking myself out of the operation.

I'm going for it.

Thank you everyone for helping me out here.

Everyone is scared. I kept having this dream that they would wheel me into the OR and I would change my mind. My surgery day came and when they wheeled me in, I didn't change my mind. Personally, it has been the best decision I could have made. Seven weeks later, 30 lbs lighter, my knees no longer kill me ever time I stand up. I'm actually seeing a light at the end of my long weight loss tunnel! I still have a ways to go and I know that it's not always going to be easy, but finally being able to say that I'm not morbidly obese after only this short among of time has been worth it.

Remember the sleeve is a tool. If you want to gain weight back there certainly are ways to do it. Obviously for health reasons its not recommended! You will always have choices.

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Thanks, snochick. It's funny your mentioning that dream. Today, as I was thinking about this, I had a fantasy about being wheeled into the or and changing my mind at the last minute.

From what I am reading, it seems like what I went through today is normal.

Right now I feel like I'm back on track with this program.

Again, thanks everyone.

I had my surgery on Aug 19th. On Aug 1st I weighed 307lbs, with the help of a pre op liver reduction diet, the day of surgery I weighed 286, now as of today I weigh 262. People asked me why do I want to have the surgery now, just stay on the pre op diet?? I ate food for a hobbie, now I exercise for a hobbie. The surgery is just a tool , you have to want to improve your health, and stick with it. Just like I have so far, I have reaped the benefits. You owe to yourself !!

I'm in the starting stages with all the appointments and totally get what you are saying as far as the fear goes. There's always the fear of the unknown and taking this step is a big decision. I know it has been for me as I've been researching this for over 10 years and am still fearful. Your friend had a good question that I'm going to think about, too "what are you afraid of"... am I afraid that my hips won't hurt and wake me up at night? - NO; afraid that I will fit comfortably in an airplane seat? - NO; afraid that I won't be able to ride certain rides at an amusement park? - NO; afraid that I won't be able to use food for comfort? - YES (it's always been my method for handling stress which is obvious by the weight on the scale this morning at the doctor's - heaviest I've been in about 14 years). I could go on and on, but I guess what's I'm trying to say is yes, this is a SCARY, BIG STEP but from what I'm reading here on the boards it TOTALLY WORTH IT! I'm looking forward to following your journey...of which fear, I'm sure, is a totally reasonable feeling.

I too start my pre-op diet tomorrow for two weeks. I am scared, excited, doubtful, relieved and unsure all at the same time . I know I have wanted this surgery for a long time and I believe it is the unknown that I am so fearful of. I start thinking of all the things that my life and families revolve around. Cook- outs, family dinners, day out for lunch and shopping ... On and on I could go. How am I going to handle not going out for dinner before going for a pedi with my girlfriend ? Those are the fearful things to me. Learning to live without food for a hobby, boredom cure, emotional release....

I have my protein power mix, skim milk, sugar free jello ready for tomorrow. Wish me luck! My surgery is September 30' 2013