Ya'll I'm scared. Like real scared. Like don't know what to do, crying scared.

I don't like being fat but I really don't have too many health problems yet. Just high cholesterol, I snore, I get tired easily, and my legs fall asleep a lot. I know other health problems are coming but they're not here just yet. Vanity is definitely a part of why I want this surgery but so is peace of mind. I'm tired of worrying about my health. Today it's high cholesterol but tomorrow it may be cancer. I lost my sister, my mother, and my grandmother to cancer within a 7 year period so cancer is consistently on my mind. My mom and sister were relatively healthy and thin and they still died so I know it's only a matter of time before my bad weight and bad genetics meet up. It's like a ticking time bomb and I'm always looking for it to go off.

But the complications of this surgery, when they happen, are pretty horrible. And I don't think a lot of us make peace with that really. We just assume they're not going to happen to us. At least that's what I was doing. I can only speak for me. Now I'm really thinking about what I could be putting myself though and I just don't know. What if I'm the leak, the abscess, the stricture, the pneumonia, the excessive swelling, the blood clots, the 1001 things that could go wrong. By God's grace people like Iggy are here to tell us their stories, they have overcome, and they're way better but they went through hell and none of them think the surgery was worth the benefit. No one ever says if they're overall health is better but I'm guessing it's not since they're still being treated for the complications.

Then some people don't even get those benefits. They're losing 20 lbs in 3 months, they're still hungry, they don't have a lot of restriction, etc, etc. WTF?!! All that money, time, and pain and you don't get the benefits? I know most people do but some don't and that's another negative I have to weigh. What if I go through all this for nothing? That would be so freaking awful.

But the only alternative is to call off the surgery and try to lose the weight on my own, again, like I've tried 100s of times before. But even that's scary. What if I call off the surgery and I'm still in the same place next year, and the year after that, and the year after that, until I look up and 10 or 20 years have passed, but now my health is awful and I'm 100 lbs heavier and I'm living in regret for what could have been if I had just had the gastric sleeve performed back in May 2013.

It's so much to think about and so much to consider and my fear vs my wants are blocking my prayers. I just don't know what to do.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense but I just had ot get it out of my head. I'm hoping someone else has been crazy like this, or is currently freaking out themselves, and understands what I'm going through.

Hugs.

I blamed my self too but the sleeve its just a tool, look at all the effort we have to do for the rest of our life's (pre-op and post op). This is not a tummy tuck or lipo. I guess I would feel more like a "looser" if I don't have the surgery. I am just tired of being fat I walk and its like a marathon I need energy! I want to take a picture without hiding, I want to enjoy life I am ready May 20th

...Then I worry if I will regret this, if looking at all that skin will look worse to me or make me look old, and I worry if I quit, and dont do it I will regret that every day as my health will take a hit. I feel like a loser for not losing it on my own, and am afraid of being ill post op and cant be involved with my activities, I did not even see myself as fat till I saw some pics and was horrified. I guess we get good at deciving ourself.

I totally understand--and I can't tell you what a relief it is to read your words and realize they are SO similar to the round-and-round recording that's been playing in my head ever since I went to my first WLS seminar two weeks ago.

Here's how I feel about it. In everyone's life, we have choices. We do the best we can, at every moment, to make choices that we *believe* will bring us pleasure/happiness/success, etc. Sometimes we find that those choices lead to exactly what we expected; sometimes the results are difficult or less than perfect. There's no point in punishing ourselves after we make the choices; we did the best we could with what we knew at the time.

Personally, I have spent almost 25 years making choices that felt (or tasted) sooooo good. All those delicious, creamy, sweet, spicy, greasy, satisfying, addictive foods; all those times I decided "nah, don't feel like exercising, pfffft I'm fine the way I am"...well, they've all caught up to me, and they've brought their friends. Exhaustion, arthritis, depression, asthma, acid reflux--it's quite the party, and I hear heart disease, diabetes and high blood pressure are thinking of RSVP'ing sometime soon.

As terrified as I am sometimes of exactly the list of things you named (leaks, hair loss, recovery pain, and on and on it goes), I am a million times more afraid of the future I see before me if I DON'T get sleeved. I'm like a Christmas Eve Scrooge, with the dark Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come looming over me. I know beyond doubt that if I don't take this step, sooner or later, my obesity will rob my kids of their mother. It will steal me away from my future plans of retirement and travel. It will put me six feet under, with who knows how many years snatched from me, too soon. That will happen. I know it in my adipose-tissue-smothered bones. I'm out of options and I am not going to change unless that change is imposed on me by something stronger than myself.

I'd rather have saggy skin that makes fwappity noises in a strong breeze--and get to live 10, 15, or 25 extra years--than be morbidly obese with skin as snug and shiny as a beach ball. I may end up looking older than I am; but I'll get to BE older than I would without the surgery. This is my best chance. It might be my last. I have to make it count, and I have to grab on to it with both my chubby mitts and never, ever let go.

That's what I keep telling myself when I get scared. It seems to be helping, so far.

"The greatest mistake we make is living in constant fear that we will make one."

John C. Maxwell

We can do this!! We'll come out on the other side, and when we stumble, we'll get up stronger than before, because the mistakes will teach us what we need to know.

Hang in there!

I am there..I fly out May 2 for surgery on May 3 by myself to Mexico..leaving a 9yr old and 1yr old at home with my husband...my family doesn't know because I don't want them to worry..so only a couple of friends and my husband have any idea what major change I am about to undergo. I am thrilled most days..terrified on others..just reminding myself of all the things that I will be happy about when its over...

The roller coaster of emotions BEFORE the has been amazing to me!

I've been doing better the past few days, calming down somewhat as the day gets closer and closer.

Maybe all of this is to prepare us for the roller coaster of emotions that will probably happen AFTER the surgery!

Best wishes to everyone!

Wow these are my exact emotions thank you all for sharing im not sleeved yet im going for my 5th outta 6mo nut requirmeent per highmark and im a mess happy sad excited scared all at the same time .... I guess ill keep pressing forward...good luck all!

Recovery isn't easy either but over time it does get better

I copied this. Thanks for the i. Insight and honesty. I have some life stuff happening and the doubts are trying to attack me, yet again. Plus I did a search on storing the drain tube and found yet more people with yet more complications. For this to be such a low risk surgery, you can't tell from all the people with problems. I think the low risk is of death, which you rarely hear about, but all the other complications are showing up left and right. Uggghhh!!!! Thankfully they don't last more than a couple of months - which is easy to say but obviously hell when you're going through it. After the initial adjustment or healing, everyone seems to be fine.

I wish I could just have the freaking surgery tomorrow and not stress myself about it.

I totally understand--and I can't tell you what a relief it is to read your words and realize they are SO similar to the round-and-round recording that's been playing in my head ever since I went to my first WLS seminar two weeks ago.

Here's how I feel about it. In everyone's life, we have choices. We do the best we can, at every moment, to make choices that we *believe* will bring us pleasure/happiness/success, etc. Sometimes we find that those choices lead to exactly what we expected; sometimes the results are difficult or less than perfect. There's no point in punishing ourselves after we make the choices; we did the best we could with what we knew at the time.

Personally, I have spent almost 25 years making choices that felt (or tasted) sooooo good. All those delicious, creamy, sweet, spicy, greasy, satisfying, addictive foods; all those times I decided "nah, don't feel like exercising, pfffft I'm fine the way I am"...well, they've all caught up to me, and they've brought their friends. Exhaustion, arthritis, depression, asthma, acid reflux--it's quite the party, and I hear heart disease, diabetes and high blood pressure are thinking of RSVP'ing sometime soon.

As terrified as I am sometimes of exactly the list of things you named (leaks, hair loss, recovery pain, and on and on it goes), I am a million times more afraid of the future I see before me if I DON'T get sleeved. I'm like a Christmas Eve Scrooge, with the dark Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come looming over me. I know beyond doubt that if I don't take this step, sooner or later, my obesity will rob my kids of their mother. It will steal me away from my future plans of retirement and travel. It will put me six feet under, with who knows how many years snatched from me, too soon. That will happen. I know it in my adipose-tissue-smothered bones. I'm out of options and I am not going to change unless that change is imposed on me by something stronger than myself.

I'd rather have saggy skin that makes fwappity noises in a strong breeze--and get to live 10, 15, or 25 extra years--than be morbidly obese with skin as snug and shiny as a beach ball. I may end up looking older than I am; but I'll get to BE older than I would without the surgery. This is my best chance. It might be my last. I have to make it count, and I have to grab on to it with both my chubby mitts and never, ever let go.

That's what I keep telling myself when I get scared. It seems to be helping, so far.

"The greatest mistake we make is living in constant fear that we will make one."

John C. Maxwell

We can do this!! We'll come out on the other side, and when we stumble, we'll get up stronger than before, because the mistakes will teach us what we need to know.

Hang in there!

Hi cerenatee,

I just wanted to come back and post my progress.

For me, deciding to have surgery in the first place was a roller coaster. I finally got off that rollercoaster when I decided to have the surgery - but that just meant getting onto a different rollercoaster!

I went trhough a couple of weeks where I was very fearlful and undecided, but I kept moving forward - stayed on my pre-op diet and continue going to all the appointments. I'm doing better now. I have started to focus on the things that weight loss will allow me to do, that I can't do now.

Also, I struggled with the question if I was changing the journey that maybe I needed to take without surgery. Now I'm looking at surgery as closing the door on a life that has become unacceptable to me. (I of course I know the results are still up to me, but I'm taking permanent action to not live this way anymore.)

My limited obese life had been acceptable to me for far too long. When I look at the progress I've made to this point, I feel sorry for my old self, that I could not have climbed out of the hole that trapped me into thinking it was OK to live like that sooner. BUT! I'm thanksful I'm not trapped there anymore! And I am proud of myself for working my way out of that hole and facing a new, unknown future.

Thank you again for starting this thread. I needed it, right when you posted it.

My surgery is less than 1 week away, and I'm as ready as I will ever be.

Dawn

I think Dawn hit the nail on the head. Life really is just one rollercoaster after another, when you think about it. And whether things are going perfectly or we're in a slump, the key is that it's always changing. Hopefully the "ups" are bigger and longer-lasting than the "downs".

<---free hug, take one!

My surgery is less than 1 week away, and I'm as ready as I will ever be.

Dawn

Mine is 1 day behind yours, the 8th, and I'm still struggling somewhat. I took my hubby to a WLS seminar so he could learn about some of the health risks of obesity. He left there wishing I could have that surgeon operate on me. Uggghhh. Then my son doesn't understand why I don't save $2000 and have continuity of care by waiting 6 months and letting the VA surgeon perform my surgery. Uggghhhh. And my finals are this week. And I have to move by June 30th. And I just got a cold sore in the middle of my bottom lip. I FREAKING DON'T NEED THIS!

~breathe~

I've done my research, I've made my plans, and I'm having this surgery. You couldn't pay a thin person $2,000 to be fat for 6-8 months so there is no way I'm saving $2,000 and staying fat for another 6-8 months. The VA doctor will get to operate on me if I have any complications. Yipee for him. I've decided I don't want to be a paralegal anyway so freak a grade. There are a 100 apartment complexes in this city, I'll find another one. And full bottom lips are juicy.

Life is too short for this.

You've voiced a lot of my fears. I just have to think that this is a move forward. I've gotten to the place where just walking is painful, even though I exercise several times a week. It's somewhat of a gamble, but I have to believe that it will come out in my favor and I'll be able to make a change and eventually have some energy and be able to walk and do things with my family. I think everyone has some fears but we have to weigh the pros and cons and for me the pros are compelling.

Thanks all for posting and best of luck with your upcoming surgeries

Hi

I think you have gone to the next level and graduate to this new stage of progession. I too felt just the same as you. Is been a month and one day since I had surgery and I am still learning at each stage of this lifestyle change.

Hi It's Dawn again... just checking in. I overcame my fears enough to go to the hospital, and get ready for the surgery. I was anesthetized, but the surgery was not performed. The doctor found too much redness in my stomach by scope, to continue with the surgery. They are talking about 8 weeks from now... but I'm not sure I can go through all of this again. Today I'm thinking this was my closed door and I can be good with that. Wow! What a process! I've learned a lot about myself and I've grown is so many ways. For now, I will be continuing my weight loss journey without surgery. Best to everyone!

Would love to hear updates from those of you on this message who have now had the surgery. I'm dealing with the fears that many of you voiced (my surgery is scheduled for May 31). Would appreciate hearing your state of mind now that you are on the other side. Thanks!

Well, I will give you my update..I had surgery on May 3 so I am 9 days post op. My incisions have almost completely healed up..but my abdomen is still pretty sore when I lean to my right side especially. I still have some gas issues when i drink too big of a gulp mainly. I have less energy than before. I can take a shower and get ready to go but feel more like laying down than going out afterwards. I am struggling to get all the required protein and fluid in..I am getting about 50-60 oz of fluid in..including 16oz of protein shakes. I have had 2 crying episodes over not being able to eat but today is Mother's day and I had to watch my family chow down on my favorite pizza while i was sipping on a protein shake that I am absolutely sick of. I have pureed some progresso chicken pot pie soup and its good but I can only take about 2 tablespoons of that before I am miserably full. Now...I have lost nearly 10lbs since surgery and 22lbs since starting the pre-op diet..this is what I am using to combat the mental issues I am dealing with about the food. I have lost half an inch in my waist but no major changes..My husband swears my face has thinned out a bit so I guess that is good. I am losing at about a pound a day. I am sure this will taper after I get off this liquid diet. Realistically, if you are afraid of pain..don't be..you will have some but its controlled by meds...but you have to be mentally prepared to handle the social eating situations..thats the hardest thing for me now. So good luck..