Hi all,

Without going into full details (too tired and too long for right now) my husband and could not have kids of our own. We tried for several years to have kids (inutero, invitro, et al.) and only recently decided it was time to stop trying. I'm 44, he's almost 40.

Some friends of ours' daughter (they had her when they were VERY young) just had her children taken from her by child protective services. Because of the circumstances, our friends (the biological grandparents) are not eligible to take custody of the children.

My husband and I have been asked to adopt the youngest of the children (he's 15 months old.) We want to help them, but this is not a situation of fostering until the biological parents get their act together. This is going to be termination of parental rights and adoption. So . . .

How old were you when you had your children?

How old is too old to start a family?

If you or someone you know had children later in life and could do it over again, would you? Do you think or have they said they would?

Does anyone here have experience with adoption?

Does anyone want to offer advice or perspective on this?

My mind keeps going to the good parts like Christmas and Halloween and birthdays and school plays and it sounds really good. But then I have to remember it's the every day stuff that is the reality. Get up, get dressed, get to school, do the homework, clean your room, take a bath, getting the flu, breaking the china, spilling milk on the carpet, bla bla bla.

I know there's a lot of work involved. That part I've got figured out. What I really need is some discussion of the pros and cons of having children. Is it worth it? I know every mom who loves her kids will say yes, it's definitely worth it but, would it be worth it if the kids weren't yours? Would it be worth it if you had to start from scratch at 44 years old?

I need some perspective here.

Donna~

I've read this thread with interest...I applaud your willingness to consider adoption. My children are the most wonderful, frustrating, fulfilling part of my life, and I wouldn't give them up for the world. I was a single mother from the time they were 12 & 14 on, which is really hard, but they are also what got me through the tough times. I think you're being very wise to try to get the pros and cons from people with experience! I wish you wisdom and guidance from the Lord as you make this decision and peace with whatever that decision is.

Emily

Sorry all, I have to chime in.

As someone who's talked to Yoda in great lengths, I want to jump to her defense in saying that *I* don't think she meant what she said as you took it. Saying what she said to you, by PM, was probably for the best, as it obviously isn't a popular opinion, at least not 'publically'.

Has anyone said it's probably not a good idea, or that they are, or know of someone who did something similar, and wish they hadn't? Noooo. Do some people think it? Damn rights. And c'mon... "have a good one :)" ? Why can't that be sincere?

Are you going to be up to driving lessons when you're 60? Or walking him/her down the aisle when you're 70? Maybe you are. Lots of people have and do. Will you be a best parent she could ever get? Probably!! If you're up to the challenge, I say go for it. I'm 25, and I *know* I couldn't handle a baby, even now, or probably ever.

I'm not saying that that's wrong. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. Obviously you've got lots of love to give, and this baby is very deserving. If it feels right to you, do it.

I'm soooo not the person to be giving advice, especially about this and I know that, so please don't be offended by what I said. I'm just blabbing random thoughts about this.

Good luck with what ever you choose. :hug: <-- and that is sincere.

Donna,

I am a single mother to my adopted 3 year old. She came home from Guatemala when she was 9 months old. I was 37 when she was born. I am blessed in that my parents have retired and moved in with us to help raise her.

I have found that, at 40, I have less energy than some parents, but that is also due largely to my weight and poorly-controlled diabetes. As I lose weight and my sugars are in better control, I enjoy her more each day.

Is it worth it? So far, yes! I asked myself the very same question when I was debating giving up my comfortable come-and-go lifestyle as a 30-something physician to pursue an international adoption. I finally decided that I NEEDED her in my life as much as I WANTED her. We have been a blessing to each other, I think.

Good luck and God bless.

I wanted to start an open discussion about what I used to laughingly call "the parenthood bait and switch!" -- They tell you how great it is so you'll be lulled into joining the mommy club, because misery LOVES company!

For me, it really wasn't a choice. I was born to be a mom. My life would not have been complete without children, and I always knew that. Even as a little girl, I loved babies. I played with dolls long after my peers had lost interest.

At the risk of getting bashed, I have to say that if you are really agonizing over whether you want to do this or not, then maybe "the mommy club" isn't for you. And you are very smart to realize that it isn't all little yellow ducks on the wallpaper. It's countless nights with little or no sleep, walking the floor with a crying baby. It's blood and poop and vomit and crayon marks on the walls and all kinds of things that cost major $$$. Your life will NEVER be the same again.

I think this child deserves a set of parents who are dying to be a mom and dad. Two people who feel like this is not just an opportunity, but an answer to their prayers. If this describes you and your husband, then I hope you will not let anything stop you from going forward with the adoption.

Donna B, In regards to the suger-coating remark by Yoda I will say that I tried to be as honest and sincere as I could be. I now know Texas family code like its my favorite book. If the state of Texas terminates the rights to this baby the family has no recourse, its over, done. It also opens the door for anyone else to challange thier rights to all thier children, including any they may have later. Once they have been deemed unfit by the state of Texas, it will always be open for question. Not that its easy to have someone deemed unfit. You can be a convicted prostitute in Tx and still win your kids in court. As I said before it took me 3+ years to win in court. The first time my brother showed up drunk and his wife was so high she couldn't stand still. They both straight up told the judge they couldn't pass a drug/alcohol test. Guess what? They beat me that day. I lost the first time out because I didn't wait the full 6months before I filled against them. The ruling was overturned while we were in mediation 1 hour later by a higher judge, but I gotta tell you it was awful. The great thing is you don't have to go thru any of this. If you and DH decide to go thru with this most of the legal hurdles are done. The actual adoption portion of my case was a breeze. Home inspection and going to court on adoption day. I cried, so relived to be done with that part, it was so awesome to have her name changed to mine just before she started pre-k. I just didn't want any confusion, I wanted her always to be known as Hannah A. It is a hard job, I work full time and I sometimes feel my best friends and my neice are raising her more than me, I always get to be the heavy, freak out inside when she displays behavior that reminds me of her sisters or her birth mom, and get to deal with my brother when he decides to pop up with the 3 girls he has left to "visit" which is code for sit on my couch and shoot daggers at me with his eyes. Shes half black for goodness sake and not even his, but that didn't stop him from dragging the whole thing out in court as long as possible. I just do my best to keep her from thier poison, avoiding them whenever its possible. I have been honest with Hannah about her adoption as age appropriatly (sp sorry) as I can. Moving away is not an option for me, I work for my Dad and he needs me, so I am in essance a sitting duck. Its all worth it, I have never once thought I made a mistake doing this. She is the love of my life. I saw someone mentioned in one post that you might be concerned about what trauma this little boy has been thru and what kind of special needs he may have. It might take a while to teach him to trust you or to learn coping skills (appropriate behaviors) or he may just take to a stable family like a duck to water. You can't tell at that age if your blood children are going to have ADD or ADHD, mood or personalty disorders, and if you start teaching coping skills early on your giving them the skills to deal with everything life is going to throw at them. I know I made this post very personal and I apoligize if its a little too long. This is a subject that is very close to home for me. Please let me know how it all works out and know that I am saying a prayer for yall. Candy

Wow Candy, what an ordeal!!! I am so glad you go her though!! She is so lucky to have you!! My sis was sitting on pins and needles for a whole year (Pennsylvania) to see if the 16 yr old-got married before the birth-to the birth father-because she is catholic--was gonna come knocking on the door and take the baby back. Thank goodness she never did! I can't imagine my family without Krystal (Kristi) or as she used to call herself "Kippy"...lol.

Don't feel bad about leaving her during work...truth be known, when they are young like that they don't need you as much as you think....its when they reach the teens that they need you...that is when i quit my job, when the oldest became teens and i was afraid of the influence of the neighborhood...it was difficult (never had been a stay-at-home-mom) but I can tell you that they are wonderful, loving, considerate teens today!! (the 9 yr old...hmmm....she is either gonna be a Rhode Scholar or a serial killer, she is on the fence.....LOL)

You know some use their powers for good and some for evil, scary huh? I am happy for your Kippy and your sister, some things are divine aren't they? As for the work thing when she gets a little bit older she can be with me at our store, but for now shes just too little and more of a pain in the kiester. She begs to stay with me now, we will see when I put her to work. he,he,he. Child labor, still legal if its your kid. We live out in the country so its not too bad, although the drugs are everywere and alot of our teens have way too much free time on thier hands and not nearly enough supervision. I commend you on quitting your job and staying home to take care of your teens, those are some tough years. Candy

I have three soon to four adopted children. I can say that We started lateish 33 and I al 39 bringin home our last little girl! All of ours have come from texas. Texas is a great state to adopt from. Their laws are all for the adoptive parent. If the rights are terminated correctly and the appropriate days are waited (it used to be 3) it was done and over with. They also terminate grandparent rights usually .

Our firt three were with aprivate agency in their special needs program. And our 4th will come from DFPS. We have been pleased with the DFPS - escept for the amount of time it seems that everything takes

Would I do it again IN AN INSTANT!!!! Do they tire me out OH!!! YEAH!!!!! But my biological little girl does too (sometimes ok most times) she is more challenging than any of my special little ones!

You will kno what to do! Good luck

Jane