Hi there. I have a kinda touchy situation going on right now and I'm not sure how I should handle it. My ex-brother-in-law passed away this afternoon VERY suddenly & VERY unexpectedly (he & my sister have only been divorced less than a year, and have been pretty close since). Anyway, with the holiday on the fourth and my surgery scheduled for the 5th, they will prolly have the funeral on the same day or a day or two after (at the latest). He is/was a really nice guy, but I don't think I would really be missed if I weren't there, and I am really, really looking forward to getting my sleeve done.... would you cancel surgery and go to the funeral, or just send your condolences and get sleeved? I don't want to come across as an unfeeling bi*** either. UUUUUGGGGHHHH, I'm so confused!

Thanks for any suggestions you might have...

If it were me, I would go ahead and do my surgery.

Send some flowers and a card and HAVE YOUR SLEEVE DONE on schedule. This is about you and not to be mean or hateful sounding, he techincally isn't family anymore. Perhaps you will be able to go to family visitation or send food to the home. You sleeve is more important and unless it was immediate family(mother, father, sister, brother, grand parents, etc) you should keep you surgery appointment. The family is in sock and auto pilot and your presence will not be known, better to wait a few months down the road when you are feeling better and go visit, take some food or a plant or I always write the family a letter of happy memories of the departed. It always seems to brighten their spirits. Good Luck, you will make the right decision for you. IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW, DON'T FORGET THAT!!!!!! (not wanting to come across as mean or cold but it is true.) :-)

Ew, that's a toughy. I guess for me, it would depend if my sister wanted me there or not. We are very close. If she said she needed me, I would be there and push back my surgery. If she didn't care, then I would push right on ahead and get sleeved.

^^I'm with wishes, it would depend on my sister. I know how much you want this, but family (your sister) is more important at the moment. I know HE is not family anymore, but it's about your sister. His family might not notice you there, but your sis will. Surely it wouldn't push you back too far would it?

If she does not care or mind, then go ahead with it. Good luck with your decision.

If you don't really think you would be missed....and you sister would have someone else to lean on maybe you could go ahead with your sleeve. Maybe you can offer to go spend time with her later. Send flowers or a plant now. I don't know all the details...but a lot of people need help later on after all the other people have gone away....after the shock has worn off. If there are kids...maybe you can offer to help with the kids...or some other special circumstances later on in a month or so when you have healed. Just an idea. How far away does she live from you? Make sure if you do decide to do this you explain it to her in detail and tell her how much you love her etc. Good luck with this tough situation!

Good point on the sister. You can tell I am an only child. I kinda just skimmed past that whole "sister" part...

Does your sister know you are having surgery? That, too, might change the dynamic.

I have to say I'm totally with Wishes on this one! Just ask your sister, " Hey sis, I know this is a tough time, do you want me to push back my surgery to be with you? And whatever her answer is, go with it.

first off, I'm sorry this has happened to your sister and your family, however, being that he is your ex-brother-in-law, i would go ahead and remain with your surgery. Send your condolenscense and a card, maybe flowers, but thats about it. . . good luck! Your going to do great with the surgery.

Even though its an ex husband of your sister, did they break up on good terms? Was he like a brother to you while he was married to your sister? How long were they married? Inlawas and Outlaws co mingle a lot. How well did you know his family? All of these are factors. The main factor is your sister and how she would feel. Is your sister making the plans and putting him to rest or is it his family? If its your sister she is going to be seriously stressed. If she needs you, then you should be there. Like Wishes said, ask her what she wants and go with it. I know its all about us with this surgery, but death is absolute, you can re-schedule, he can't.

Unless you are really close with your sister and she needs you, I would not reschedule. I would have a long talk with her to know where her feelings are. Best of luck in these hard times.

You can always stop by the family home and take a dish, drinks or some paper goods, express your condolences and let them know you won't be able to attend.

Like some others have already said, he is no longer family. It might be weeks or longer before you can reschedule your surgery. Unless you are getting TREMENDOUS family pressure to be there, go forward with your surgery.

I don't feel comfortable telling you what to do, only that I had a very bad situation arise with a close friend of mine and I almost cancelled my surgery to be with her. My family convinced me that for once I needed to be selfish and do this for myself so that I would be better able to take care of others down the road. I had my surgery without guilt and haven't looked back. This is the key phrase, if you can have your surgery WITHOUT GUILT! I think that any negative feelings may hinder healing and that's one thing you don't need.

My sincere condolences to you and your family,

Renee`

Thanks everyone for your input... a few questions I should clear up; I am close with all of my sisters, but there's four of us, so that's why I think she won't miss me, she'll have my older sisters for comfort. My bro-in-law was like family, even though technically he wasn't at the time. They (sis & bil) didn't have any children, thank God, so at least she doesn't have to explain anything to any little people. I asked her what she thought, and she thinks I should go ahead with it. I guess they have to do an autopsy since they're not sure why he died and she doesn't expect his remaining family to start looking into funeral homes until at least Wednesday... So, if I 'm home from the hossy by Thursday, maybe by Friday I'll be able to put in an appearance. (Might not be a pretty one, but an appearance all the same! LOL)

Thanks again for all of your suggestions and input, it really did help me make up my mind what to do!

Joining the Losers Bench in ONLY FOUR days!

Thanks everyone for your input... a few questions I should clear up; I am close with all of my sisters, but there's four of us, so that's why I think she won't miss me, she'll have my older sisters for comfort. My bro-in-law was like family, even though technically he wasn't at the time. They (sis & bil) didn't have any children, thank God, so at least she doesn't have to explain anything to any little people. I asked her what she thought, and she thinks I should go ahead with it. I guess they have to do an autopsy since they're not sure why he died and she doesn't expect his remaining family to start looking into funeral homes until at least Wednesday... So, if I 'm home from the hossy by Thursday, maybe by Friday I'll be able to put in an appearance. (Might not be a pretty one, but an appearance all the same! LOL)

Thanks again for all of your suggestions and input, it really did help me make up my mind what to do!

Joining the Losers Bench in ONLY FOUR days!

I think you are making the right decision. Good luck to you and your family. Will say a little prayer for your sister tonight.